The Breakroom
by KarotsaMused
Summary: The Sanzo-ikkou act within the world of fanfiction as best they can. This is where they go when they need a break. Fourth wall? What fourth wall?
1. Break the First

A/N: Disclaimer: Saiyuki isn't mine. Nor is The Great Gatsby. And, though the brand name isn't used, Pepto Bismol isn't my creation. They belong to people who aren't me. Dammit.

Hello and welcome to my turn at beating the fourth wall with a stick. I had fun. And, though I don't particularly like this fiction and it's utterly, completely pointless, I'm told it's humorous enough to merit attention. So. Enjoy it if you will. I poke fun at fanfic authors. Gasp. I poke fun at myself a lot of the time - I'm guilty of everything except the orb/gemstone charge. Everybody's done it at least once XP

Warnings include: Foul language and a very open policy on sex. Don't like, don't read. No real pairing.

...

Somewhere, there is a door. It is unmarked except for a brass number plate and the lens of a peephole. There are two locks, one under the knob and one in it. This door opens into a den - modestly furnished - with a fireplace, two sofas, and a large coffee table. On the coffee table rest more cushions. To the left is a kitchen. The counter is already set with a basket of fruit and a waiting bottle of bright pink medicine. There is a microwave, a stove, a refrigerator, a toaster. The sink is stainless steel, as are the dishwasher and trash compactor. The lights are fluorescent and take half a breath to come on all the way. Everything is spotless. To the right is a corridor with six doors. Four bedrooms, each furnished with a dresser, closet, full bed, alarm clock, bulletin board, and lamp. The personal touches vary between them. Two bathrooms, stocked with every necessary amenity. At the end of this hallway is a linen closet stuffed with towels, sheets, and extensive amounts of first aid supplies. There are six ashtrays in various places, all clean and empty. There are seven garbage bins in various rooms, all clean and empty. The carpet is lush and freshly vacuumed. There are no windows at all. This place is dark, built of rich wood and stone in deep red-browns and slate gray. Even the cloth on the furniture is a gentle, deep color only a few shades from black in any case. The bed-sheets shine with color when moved. The lamps in ceiling and set on tables give off a warm, yellow glow. Pure white light does not reach this place, as even the panes of glass separating the fluorescent kitchen lights are tinted.  
  
There is a slot in the kitchen counter, under a red light that has no switch.  
  
These rooms, at one time, were filled to breaking with awkward tension, quiet apologies and resolute decisions never to speak ever again. As time passed, these rooms saw their occupants relax, accept, become able to meet one another's eyes.  
  
The lock in the door slides back with an easy click, and the door swings open to allow the entrants passage. The first crosses quickly to the food in the kitchen, taking a hefty bite out of an apple with no thought to decency. The two that follow look faintly green, walking slowly and cradling their stomachs. One grabs the bottle of medicine and they both take turns swallowing some of the stuff. The fourth closes the door behind him, taking care to lock it.  
  
"For fuck's sake," the one with the apple growls, "do the imbeciles think I survive on coffee and smokes alone? Humans gotta fuckin' eat!" He takes another bite, pausing only to lick the juice from his hand.  
  
"Yeah? Well at least you don't have to try to keep up with the Vortex over there," one of the sicker ones responds, jerking a thumb at his nauseated companion. "I think we ate more'n our weight this time."  
  
The other nods, holding his gut. "Sanzo, I think I'm all set now. Another five hundred years without food sounds good."  
  
The one called Sanzo snorts and sets the apple core down on the counter. The fourth person chuckles gently, patting the shoulders of the overstuffed men with him. "You'll be hungry in a while; just let your stomach settle, Goku," he comforts. "And Sanzo, perhaps you ought to slow down a little yourself."  
  
Sanzo scowls. "I know what the doctor said. I've been deprived of food all day. I can hold it down." But he stops eating, suddenly looking quite a bit more irritated and morose.  
  
"Oh, Hakkai, you _reminded_ him. How many times was it this week, bouzu?" asks the redhead as he plops down onto one of the couches. He had eaten less than Goku by default; it was always written that way. His stomach settles much faster every time. "I counted seventeen for me. I think."  
  
Sanzo looks away, ready to corrode the metal of the sink with his stare. "Twenty-four."  
  
Hakkai puts a hand over his mouth. "Oh, my. Sanzo, are you sure you're feeling okay?"  
  
Sanzo turns his eyes on Hakkai and leans a little more heavily into the counter. "They always make me tell you 'yes'. But I'm really not."  
  
"Not now at least," the redhead responds, watching as Hakkai and Sanzo come to sit on the couch nearest him. Goku takes a seat on the coffee table, not willing to fight for space. "But that's the perk."  
  
There is a thoughtful pause. "Gojyo's right, you know," Hakkai murmurs after a while. "The only perk, but it is a good thing."  
  
Gojyo pushes himself into a little more of a sitting position, propping his head on the armrest of the sofa. "Well, think about it. I haven't exercised a day in my life, but," he pulls his shirt up and pats his stomach. "Per-fect abs. And I smoke all day with no cancer. Plus, I get all the sex I can possibly handle."  
  
Sanzo growls. "Once the writing stops all the pain comes back. You realize who you've been with because they put you there. And you, you're fuckin' _always_ on top, kappa."  
  
Gojyo grins. "There's no accounting for taste, I suppose. But there's times I'm not. Few as they are. Hell, small price right?" He rubs his nose. "I just gotta worry about those folks who wouldn't mind me getting shot when you're in a bad mood. And eating contests with Goku."  
  
"Let's not forget heartsick love confessions," said boy pipes in, and the group gives a collective shudder. "You get the long end of the stick sometimes but I've heard you be soppiest of us all."  
  
"Unfortunately," Hakkai murmurs, "none of us are safe from such moments. I suppose, though, Gojyo has a point. From Gojyo's point of view."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Gojyo responds, opening one eye.  
  
"There's more to life than sex. When do we get to _that_ bit?"  
  
"Hell yes," Sanzo seconds, already pressing a hand to his gut. "I've been sodomized so often I'm having intestinal problems. Where was _that_ in the contract? I signed up to shoot things and all of a sudden everybody and their grandmother wants my ass."  
  
Gojyo counts on his fingers. "Which reminds me. Twenty-four? Damn! Let's see, I only fucked you...six times this week." He looks around, pointing at the people he remembers. "Ten were Hakkai. And one was..."  
  
Goku crosses his eyes, remembering the eventful and strangely enlightening afternoon. "I don't get it either. Um. I was with Sanzo seven times, right? And then twice with Homura. Which was certainly very strange."  
  
"You two aren't counting original characters and Mary-Sues, are you?" asks Hakkai.  
  
Gojyo snorts. "The monk gets most of those, too. He has busy days."  
  
Sanzo growls. "Not my fault."  
  
"Of course it isn't; we never said it was. How about we change the subject?" soothes Hakkai. "We had a good time on Wednesday, didn't we?"  
  
Gojyo pauses to think back. "Oh, yeah, man! We kicked some major ass in that one! Goku, remember? You did that awesome flippy thing."  
  
Goku laughs. "_Flippy thing_. That's exactly the name for it. That was a pretty fun scene. Getting them all back for Monday, right?"  
  
Gojyo laughs as well. "Always nice to count on a happy ending. The monk got some great shots in. Vicious, but good."  
  
"Whoever wrote that one wasn't pleased with quick, painless death. It was definitely cathartic," Sanzo responds, amusement tinging his voice despite the mood he is still in. His gut aches viciously and he has a feeling the apple he'd devoured isn't going to sit well for long. "Times like those, life's not so bad."  
  
Hakkai nods. "I suppose we earn it after going through all the abuse."  
  
Gojyo slaps his forehead, crying out and twitching. "Abuse! The beatings! The pain!"  
  
"Shut up, you baby. I'm always the one getting captured. Damsel in Distress," Sanzo spits, again dropping into a more morose mood. "There's _more_ to me than this!"  
  
Hakkai gives him a sympathetic smile. "I know. Half the time I come across like a woman."  
  
Goku thrusts a finger into the air. "And we're back to the soppiness again! Or is it the whole thing about Gojyo being on top?"  
  
Gojyo snorts. "I can't help what I'm good at. And another thing. Has anybody _else_ gotten irked over the 'sparkling orbs' thing?"  
  
Hakkai nods vigorously. "Yes! I begin to feel like a Christmas ornament. Where am I hiding my brilliant green orbs?"  
  
"Even the word is ridiculous," Goku chimes in, grinning a bit. "Say it a lot. _Orb_. Orb, orb, orb."  
  
"My eyes aren't jewels either," Sanzo adds, pointing to his face. "People have been known to stare at my sapphires and I'm more than a little curious to know where these gemstones are."  
  
Hakkai snorts. "Probably the same place I'm keeping my orbs."  
  
"I mean," Gojyo continues, undeterred by Goku's laughter, "Eyes are white, pupil, iris. Right? Or is it the retina you see?"  
  
"Ask F. Scott Fitzgerald about that one," Sanzo quips, causing Hakkai to grin. "Orb."  
  
Goku snorts loudly, loving the sound of the word repeated over and over. That last time, Sanzo had said it for Goku's benefit.  
  
Before Gojyo can continue his rant about the difference between an orb and a circle, the red light comes on, accompanied by a sound not unlike a doorbell. Four sets of eyes widen, and Goku quickly snaps his fingers. Sanzo and Gojyo follow suit in a split second, leaving Hakkai to go and get the message.  
  
The red light is a warning, like a fire alarm. It is the herald of inspiration being trapped on paper, in a computer. It is a source of laughter and dread to those bound to the will of the all-powerful, omnipresent fanfic author. The sheets of paper outline plot, characters involved, and rating. It never details anything about the writer. Nobody, nothing is exempt, from the darkest of solo angst to the fluffiest of love declarations. And everything in between, biting, kicking, and Mary-Sues all fair game. As was their curse, being four highly desirable, likeable, and dramatic creations built to strike separate sectors of the female libido and inspire inspiration all at once, the residents of this nowhere-apartment are bound to their assignments on these sheets of paper. They arrive in numbers between five and twenty each day, every day. Hakkai, Sanzo, Gojyo, and Goku deal with them in the order they arrive, enduring many an inept concept of actual sexual practice, various scrapes and bruises, and more physical activity in any and every form in a week than most sapient beings can handle in many months. They never feel the aches and pains until they are released from their fiction, dropped back into the hallway to stagger together into their apartment.  
  
This piece of paper has already come out of the slot, resting innocuously on the counter. The brunette slowly gets up and pads into the kitchen, taking the paper between his hands. As he reads, he lets a hint of a grin slip out. "Oh, _my_."  
  
"What's it say?" Goku asks, a hint of dread in his voice.  
  
"Goku, you and I get to stay in. Sanzo, I think you might actually not mind this one so much."  
  
Sanzo gets up and snatches the paper from Hakkai, ignoring Goku's cheer. As he reads, his expression goes from disgust to mild, vindictive pleasure. "Well, then."  
  
Gojyo, now indignant, grabs the paper away and glares at it. "Wh...oh!"  
  
Sanzo sneers, enjoying this. "Unsettled? A little nervous? A big, strong hanyou like you must not be used to playing uke," he taunts.  
  
Gojyo shoves the paper back at him, indignant but blushing. "Am not! Just surprised."  
  
"Revenge of the pretty blonde," Hakkai adds, smiling at Gojyo. "You didn't honestly think you'd make it very long without another one?"  
  
"Yeah, well...that last time was months back. At least," Gojyo responds, shoving his hands into his pockets.  
  
"That means I _owe_ you, kappa. Come on, let's get this over and done with." Sanzo pushes Gojyo out the door.  
  
As they leave, Hakkai calls, "Never fear! I'm sure one intense, longing look into Sanzo's beautiful sapphire orbs will set all to rights!" From the spot on the couch he stole from Gojyo, Goku laughs like a maniac.  
  
Hakkai shuts the door behind him, but not before watching as Kougaiji and his companions leave their place next door, following Gojyo and Sanzo. The door behind which Homura, Zenon, and Shien reside stays resolutely closed.   
  
Goku gets up and goes into the kitchen, pouring himself a drink of water. "Hakkai?"  
  
"Mm?"  
  
"Do you ever miss, you know..." Goku points to the ceiling, "Mom?"  
  
Hakkai smiles, amused by Goku's reference to their creator as their mother. "All the time. However, this gig has its moments. Fans can be a thousand times more beastly. But they aren't so bad on the whole, really. Depending on which parts of your memory you decide to completely ignore."  
  
Goku nods. "And the fact that none of them or any of their creations have ever, ever gotten their hands on our room keys."  
  
Hakkai shoots an admonishing glare over at Goku. "Now, now," he warns. "Don't you dare jinx it. There are some who have the capacity, and I seriously doubt they'd mind a sequel."


	2. Break the Second

A/N: I'm so weak. Here is the next chapter. Perhaps more will come if I see more transgressions! Har! The reference is from Kurt Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse-Five". I can't help sneaking literary references into my fictions. Waha.  
  
Notes to reviewers at the end.  
  
...  
  
Somewhere, there is a room. The yellow lights are dimmed and the stereo, nestled suddenly beneath the low coffee table, sends signals to the speakers in every corner of the main room. Red jazz dances out, swaying drunkenly through the air. The music curls in wisps and spikes against the walls, screaming and breathy and wordless. It is confined within the cage of this room, but stretches its fingers out under the door, digging its nails into the hall.  
  
The door swings open and Gojyo sinks into the sound in front of him, letting it wash through his brain and nearly collapsing with the warmth of it. He knows the song and sings along, taking the melody in a loving, open-mouthed kiss.  
  
Hakkai follows, wiggling his little finger in his ear. He closes the door behind him and smiles over at Gojyo. "It is relaxing after yet another songfic, isn't it?"  
  
Gojyo cringes as Hakkai makes himself comfortable on one of the couches. "Don't remind me. I spoke the lyrics to you. I said the fuckin' words of the song at you!"  
  
Hakkai grins. "You'd think I'd be surprised that you were suddenly spewing rhyming couplets."  
  
Gojyo thumps into the kitchen, his boots resonating on the linoleum. He ducks his head into the refrigerator and grabs a bowl of leftover macaroni and cheese. "I gotta get the taste of bubblegum out of my mouth," he explains with a grin, rummaging for a fork. "And the grammar! I'm no scholar like you, but..."  
  
"I know," Hakkai cuts him off with a wince. "Many innocent commas gave their lives. Not to mention the rules of tense appeared not to apply."  
  
The redhead swallows. "Yuh, well bad dialogue and bad description seem to go hand in hand," he replies, waving the fork around. "Again with the soppiness, too. I'm sorry I love you so much, Hakkai. It turns me into a greeting card."  
  
"That's three strikes against it. A veritable felony," Hakkai says, ticking three fingers. "Not to mention all those wonderful rhetorical questions."  
  
"Speaking of felonies, where are the monk and entourage?" asks Gojyo, shoving the half-empty bowl back into the fridge. Hakkai decides not to comment on the hygienics of this.  
  
"At the planetarium," he responds simply, probing experimentally at his knee. "You know, I think I bruised myself on that cabinet."  
  
Gojyo grins sheepishly, coming to sit on the opposite sofa. He still has the fork. "Sorry. I was too busy quoting a boy band verbatim to watch where we were going." Gojyo pulls his legs up, sitting cross-legged and pulling his boots off. "You know, for being such a thin little thing, Sanzo's got a bit of a kick. My backside hurts."  
  
Hakkai laughs at that. "Trust me; I know. You have absolutely no pity." He pauses to take in Gojyo's indignant stare and waves a hand at him with another laugh. "He's not one to waste an opportunity. Goodness, Gojyo, I'll be flayed if this leaves a mark."  
  
Gojyo snorts. "Like that'll happen. How many battles have we fought, canon or not, and yet every love scene we do we're perfect? Sometimes they forget you've got a scar."  
  
"Anything to maintain the fluff," Hakkai responds, patting his stomach. "I've got enough inner-torment vignettes to last me another six lifetimes."  
  
The door slams open and Sanzo staggers in, holding his head. Goku rushes in behind him, jogging toward the bathroom. Sanzo leans heavily against the kitchen counter, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. Goku comes back at a dead run, holding an economy-size bottle of painkillers in front of him. Sanzo takes two without water. Gojyo waves the fork at them.  
  
"How did it go?" he greets.  
  
Goku pours himself a glass of water and takes a pill for himself before answering. "I went stargazing again."  
  
"All plain speech. I've got a bitch of a headache. Turn the music off," Sanzo groans, rubbing at his temples. Gojyo frowns at him, but reaches forward and cuts the power to the stereo under the coffee table.  
  
Goku rubs at his wrists. "Had another flashback, of course. Stupid chains, they itch something awful. And it's damn' cold in the cave."  
  
"All the more reason for you to be enamored when Sanzo lets you out," Hakkai responds, speaking softly out of deference to said blonde.   
  
"Yeahwell, I didn't have to be _that_ grateful. No offense, but my personal solar system doesn't revolve around ... what was it? Oh yeah, _'the shock of cornflower hair that reminds me of the warmth I never had_.' I mean, cornflower?" Goku grins. "Spellcheck doesn't cover idiocy, I guess."  
  
Gojyo, who had been mouthing the words to himself, says, "Wait a minute. Cornflower's blue, isn't it?"  
  
"You know what happened as soon as that word went down," Sanzo mutters, running a hand through his hair. "So not only did I have to hear that come out of the monkey's mouth, my hair goes blue. Like my sapphire orbs."  
  
Goku snorts loudly, headache or not. "Sanzo is my sun. My blue sun. In play format. Ouch."  
  
Hakkai and Gojyo wince out of experience and deference. Maintaining mere speech, while very easy for the writer, is hell for the characters involved. They must convey appropriate emotion and action while remaining transparent enough not to merit description. This, among other things, requires maintaining only one pose unless otherwise indicated by sparse cues.   
  
Gojyo chews on the tines of his fork. "I had to hit on another Mary-Sue this morning," he says conversationally, probing at his mouth with the utensil. "And she was one of those tough bitches, you know? Knocked me in the jaw. And of course, the sucker _hurt. _ I think one of my molars has come loose. From a skinny little girl!"  
  
"Was that the one with the green eyes and pink hair?" Goku asks. "She smelled funny."  
  
"Mustard gas and roses," Hakkai murmurs.  
  
Sanzo smirks. "That sounds more like Gojyo."  
  
The redhead raises both his eyebrows. "Vonnegut! I know that one! ...And no. You'll notice that one didn't haul off and give me the what-for. Too many hearts and flowers, that one. This was one with blue eyes and black-and-silver striped hair. Boobs like grapefruits. Cantaloupes. _Watermelons_." As Gojyo speaks, his hands undulate in front of his chest until they stretch out at arms' length. "Gravity-defying."  
  
"They're always unnatural wonders," Hakkai comments, relaxing a little more into his seat. "And the only times the writers ever _describe_ something is when they're talking about the Sues."  
  
Gojyo leans his head back. "Yeah. Gives us a break, though."  
  
Hakkai frowns. "The macaroni and cheese is not giving any of us incentive to sit near you, Gojyo," he remarks.  
  
At Gojyo's questioning look, Goku leans over him and cries, "Cheesebreath!"  
  
Gojyo recoils, but Goku remains behind him. "You're one to talk! What did you have today, raw fish and onions?"  
  
Sanzo swallows the remaining water in Goku's cup and drops it into the sink. "Probably." He walks to the couches and sits next to Hakkai, the aspirin obviously kicking in. "Hakkai has a point, though," he adds, blinking lazily. "I've had to deal with all of your morning breath far too often."  
  
Gojyo shrugs. "We're not supposed to notice it, Sanzo-sama! We're deliriously in love and desperate for a pre-breakfast boink."  
  
Goku grins. "I kinda like that we don't get hangovers when they want us to fuck. Not so bad sometimes." As one, three of them turn to Hakkai. Goku mutters, "Somebody wouldn't know a thing about that."  
  
Hakkai raises an eyebrow. "Since when do you drink, Goku?"  
  
"Whenever I'm supposed to be alone with him," Goku responds, resting his index finger on Gojyo's head. "It's practically a prerequisite."  
  
Gojyo looks away. "Ch. Like I'd have to butter you up."  
  
Sanzo snaps his fingers almost before the light comes on. Gojyo and Hakkai follow suit out of reflex, not even needing to see the red glow from the kitchen. Goku sighs and walks over to the paper, skimming the contents. He grins. "Hey! This one's kinda cool! A day in the life of Hakuryuu. Which means we don't have to work hard at all."  
  
Gojyo grins and slips his feet back into his boots, tying them with practiced fingers. He leaves the fork on the coffee table. "I'm game. Sounds good." He pauses. "Where is the dragon anyway?"  
  
"He's got his own place," Hakkai responds, shrugging noncommittally. "You know how it is."  
  
Sanzo nods. "He's another contrivance to the authors. So, if he's not integral to the plot - and often, he's not - there's no point in him being disturbed." He rubs his forehead and shoves himself into a standing position. "Which is more than I can say for myself. I hope for all our sakes this author at least has the courtesy to tone down on the exclamation marks."  
  
...  
  
Notes:  
  
Blades of Ice: Heeh, well, I thought it was pointless but that's me and my incessant push for higher meaning. I shall try to be easier on myself so long as it continues to amuse.  
  
ChaosDaughter: I hope you don't mind the majority of the inspiration for this chapter was stolen from your review. n.n Glad I make you giggle. Oh, and I sent you an e-mail, and am awaiting that draft X)  
  
Me-Nuriko: I didn't really like the fic at first because, well, I felt kinda preachy. But you guys reassure me. Hee, don't want to make you feel sorry...I just call 'em as I see 'em. I'm guilty of a lot of this too!  
  
p3c: I've basically already said it. Heeh. Hope you liked this second installment as well.  
  
Crimson1: Orb! I've had many an orb-bashing conversation and that was the fruition. Oh, and the keys aren't for sale. I'd be dead before I hit the ground...  
  
Iie Nome: Wish granted!  
  
Elf Asato: Like the mall during Christmas season (Aka from October to February!) Orbs orbs everywhere and not a drop to...drink...I'll stop now.  
  
Pervasive Threnody: Glad you like it, and glad you are like me and don't take yourself so seriously. But never fear - a little Sanzo abuse never hurts anyone. Except, according to this, Sanzo. But that's what the Breakroom is ultimately for. Hoo-ray for circular logic! 


	3. Break the Third

A/N: Hello, it's chapter three. Yay. I keep getting such wonderful suggestions from you all (and, um, my forays into the world of the "Just In" function...) that I shall be supplied with material for quite some time.

_Donnie Darko_ is most definitely not my property. I could never be that good. Wah.  
  
Sidenote: I just read Hellsing Vol. 3. I can't stop drooling on myself, it's that awesome. Those of you who have _only_ seen the anime, you have no idea what you're missing. I sure didn't!  
  
Notes to reviewers at the end.  
  
...  
  
Somewhere, there is a hall. This hall is lit by fluorescent lights hiding behind yellow glass. There are many doors, and the wallpaper matches the carpeting. There is a large set of double doors at one end of the hall. They open at a push, and a woman stumbles through, caught at the last second by a comforting, familiar set of hands.  
  
"Careful, Yaone-san," Hakkai chides, smiling gently. He laughs and coaxes her out of his arms, walking arm-in-arm with her down the hallway.  
  
"My, wasn't that fun?" Yaone asks, smiling over at Hakkai. The brunette nods for once.  
  
"Yes, it really was. Take care of yourself," he says, leaving her at her door.  
  
"Until the next time, Hakkai-san," Yaone returns, smiling brightly at him and slipping inside. Hakkai pulls his room key from his back pocket and is halfway inside his room when the double doors open again. Gojyo and another redhead with rivaling good looks both walk into the hallway, but there is no friendly rapport. Hakkai waits patiently for his roommate, marveling at the silence between them. Gojyo's face is flushed, and there is even a tint of color to the other man's elegant features. When the redhead reaches Hakkai, he swings into the room without another word. Hakkai shakes his head and follows.  
  
"What's with you?" Goku asks. The kid is sitting cross-legged on the couch, halfway through a bowl of cereal.  
  
Gojyo's look darkens. "It must be Make-Gojyo-Uke week or something. Had to let Kougaiji have his wicked way with me for _hours_." He rubs the small of his back and spits, "And the stupid author made it fuckin' _painful_!" With this, he limps off to find the pain pills.   
  
Hakkai sighs and takes a seat next to Goku. "How was your day?" he asks.  
  
Goku grins. "Funny you should mention that. I had a terrible time with grammar again. Sanzo told me, and I quote, 'Your' why-oh-you-are 'cute'. Now beside the fact that it was Sanzo saying this, I had to wonder what he was talking about my cute for." Goku pauses for Hakkai to laugh, and continues, "I nearly broke character imagining myself going out to walk my pet cute. I mean, even _I_ know the difference between the words with apostrophes and the ones without."  
  
"I'm amazed you know the word 'apostrophe'," Gojyo quips, downing the painkillers on his palm and tenderly plopping himself down on the other couch. He rolls onto his stomach with a wince, propping his chin on his folded arms. "Speaking of possessive adjectives, I had to deal with a fiction that didn't have any."  
  
Hakkai raises his eyebrows. "How so?"  
  
"There were wandering body parts in that room. I was being fondled by hands...and the author didn't say whether they were my hands, Kou's hands, Nii's hands... So there were these nebulous blobby things that looked like every hand in the world at once. Which," Gojyo adds loftily, "was most definitely _not_ a turn-on."  
  
"Don't you say that name," Sanzo calls from the bathroom. When he emerges, he is coated in more bandages than the average dead ancient Egyptian. Before the others in the room can react, he growls, "Nii's the sort of freak who whacks off to Frank. Before you ask, it's a sunburn."  
  
Gojyo's jaw drops, insofar as it can between his arms and the rest of his head. "Two things. First off, who the _hell_ is Frank? And second, a _sunburn_?"  
  
Sanzo rolls his eyes. "I couldn't sleep one night and this movie called _Donnie Darko_ was on. Six-foot rabbit." Before Goku can cry out about Sanzo's possession of a television, the blonde snaps, "I asked for one. It's in the cabinet in my bedroom. It's black and white. No, you may not watch it." With Goku successfully deflated, Sanzo continues, "Yes, kappa, a sunburn. I'm pale as ivory, pale as marble, pale as vanilla in every fiction and yet how many hours do we spend in the sun every day? I...forgot my sunblock this morning, so my hands, shoulders, and face are all red as tomatoes. Laugh and I'll shoot you."  
  
Gojyo buries his face in his arms, trying not to let his shoulders shake so hard. Sanzo growls and kicks his hip, causing Gojyo to cry out in pain. "Fuck, bouzu, let a wounded man alone! I've been hurting all _day_."  
  
Hakkai chooses this moment to be the voice of reason. "Now you know how Sanzo feels."  
  
Gojyo frowns and refuses to move. Sanzo sneers at him, but instead goes into the kitchen for a drink of water. "So," the blonde murmurs in a tone dripping with sarcasm, "somebody hasn't told us about his day yet."  
  
Hakkai blushes gently, raising his hands in a familiar placating gesture. "Now, now, my day wasn't all that interesting. I spent a good part of it with Yaone-san. My only problem was, in effect, description favored over denotation."  
  
Sanzo winces. "At least it was only dialogue, right?"  
  
"I had..." here, Hakkai grins sheepishly, "married into the family. There were up to six people talking at once. And the author never noted who said what. It was quite a headache to deal with." He shrugs, adding, "If we had doubts about a line, everybody would say it at once. It's always good to have your bases covered."  
  
"Shut up, you," Gojyo growls, burying his face in his hands.  
  
"Look who's being a big old baby," Goku jabs, empty cereal bowl resting in his lap. "Sanzo and Hakkai put up with it all the time. Bad base pun, by the way. Very bad."  
  
Hakkai smiles. "Goku, you're getting very good at this." The boy beams at his companion on the couch, proud of his abilities.  
  
Sanzo perches himself on the armrest of the sofa over which Gojyo sprawls. "Know what gets me?" he asks, rewrapping some of the bandages over his hands. "When the idiots forget spellcheck and use words that don't exist. I was described as having 'supernal good looks'. That's not a fuckin' word!"  
  
Hakkai suddenly finds his hands very interesting, and keeps his eyes locked upon them for a few moments while he gets his facial expressions under control. Then, very calmly, he looks dead into Sanzo's face and replies, "'Supernal' is a word. It means something along the lines of heavenly or exquisite. Quite a compliment, actually. You'll find it in any dictionary."  
  
Sanzo kicks Gojyo in the rump for laughing at him. The redhead lets out a pained yelp, kicking back at Sanzo. The monk dodges, Gojyo adjusts his positioning on the couch, and both let the confrontation end. "Still," Hakkai muses, his chin on his hand, "they probably meant 'supernatural' but missed a few syllables. After all, what sort of fiction was it?"  
  
Sanzo frowns. "I don't want to talk about it."  
  
Gojyo grins. "Does it explain the sunburn shaped like your leathers?" A resounding impact later, Gojyo groans in pain and murmurs, "Yeah, sounds about right."  
  
...  
  
Notes: Send in the stuff you _hate_ about bad fanfiction! I'll work it in sooner or later, I promise. I want to know what _you_ see that could fit in "The Breakroom" ... what am I missing so far?  
  
Me-Nuriko: You certainly hit the nail on the head, my dear! I enjoy writing this and I'm glad you like reading it.  
  
OptiMoose: In-teresting idea. I think I may take it in a different direction though, if you don't mind. Mwahahaha.  
  
Keistje: Well, in response to your review for Ch. 1, it HAPPENS! Honestly! Don't ask how I know about frequent sodomy because I completely forget how I found that out myself. Now, response to your reply to chapter 2! Morning breath isn't romantic, but it _is_ real. I think the _really_ fluffy bit is when you know your partner has it...but you don't care. Oh yeah, baby!  
  
Sussi: I'll keep going as long as I'm still inspired...cue evil laughter. Bwahaha.  
  
Mei Yanohi: o,o I do not deserve a reviewer like you. The flattery, it makes me blush so hard! Ee. As for the "Your Fanfic Blows" button - I must find one for myself. That's awesome! I think everybody is prone to Mommyitis, the missing of the mothership, yaoi doujinshi artist or not. And really, if they found that out, would it come as a surprise to them? Just _look_ at them. There's a song by...uh. someone. eh. called "More Effeminate than You" and I think it applies...  
  
Sorchafyre: Thanks for helping out! As soon as I read your review I giggled like mad and thought to myself, 'She's got a hell of a point!' So, as you can see, I went for it. Thanks a bunch. I know the fourth wall's been shattered enough it just kind of trembles in the wind, but I'm glad you think I've still got some originality in here somewhere. If I dig hard enough. Eeeh...  
  
Hikari-Neko: Wha, thankee! If you've got any ideas, any at all, send 'em over.  
  
Elf Asato: Why, no, not at all! However, all requests must be filed in triplicate with the top thing that _bugs_ you about bad fanfiction. The first part of that response is bullshit, but the second is a hope. Help me out? Pweeeease?  
  
Mezi: Ee! Good to hear from you - it's been a while. Eh, I've run into a few too many Saiyuki Mary-Sue fics and, surprise surprise, none of them were any good. Dunno about now, but when I found them that was the case. I doubt much has changed. Oh, and nothing about your review sounded wrong to me! Thanks for stickin' with me.


	4. Break the Fourth

A/N: Thank you all so much for your wonderful suggestions! Because some of them involved my reading your fictions (you wonderful, divine, selfless authors!) to see if there's anything to inspire me, and because of the sheer amount of suggestions I have received, I was unable to fit them all into one chapter. So if you don't see yours here yet, rest assured it'll show up somewhere! A lot of your brainwaves mirrored mine, as you sent in ideas I'd already been thinking of using. Glad to know I'm vindicated! Notes to reviewers at the end of this chapter. Enjoy!  
  
.  
  
_"Somewhere, sometime we will be together my love." Said Hakkai. "So dont cry Lirin."  
  
And as the brunet walked out of her life forever, Lirin watched him with tears swimming in her emerald green orbs. She buried her face in her pillow and cryed for the yesterdays they had and the tomorrows he spoke of that could never be._  
  
.  
  
Lirin and Hakkai push through the double doors together, Lirin ignoring Hakkai's innate chivalry in holding the door open for her. She never lets him treat her like a lady, letting him save that treatment for Yaone. Her entire body shakes with pantomimed heaving, leaning heavily against the wall at her side.  
  
"I was half expecting to be carrying your baby after that one," she remarks with another theatrical shudder.  
  
Hakkai smiles, rubbing the back of his head and responding, "My, that _was_ a highly improbable scenario, wasn't it?"  
  
Lirin nods vigorously, fishing for her room key in the recesses of her pants pockets. "Don't worry, though," she says as her fingers close around the cold metal of her keyring, "I don't think Yaone-neechan will get all that jealous s'long as it doesn't happen all that often, right?" With a wink, she enters her apartment and leaves Hakkai to shake his head in the hallway.  
  
He chuckles a bit, shoving his key into the lock on his door and finding it unlocked. Simultaneously wary of trespassers and understanding of some of his roommates' habits, Hakkai enters the apartment and looks around, shutting the door behind him.  
  
"Oi, who's that?" Sanzo calls, his tone tense and curt.  
  
"You left the door unlocked," Hakkai responds in reproachful greeting. "Is there something wrong?"  
  
"Something wrong, he says," Sanzo sneers. "I'm in my room. Get in here and you'll _see_ what the fuck is wrong."  
  
Hakkai does not give a single moment of pause, walking swiftly to Sanzo's room and opening the door. His jaw drops at the sight before him. Sanzo is hunched on the side of the bed, his arms wrapped around his bulging gut. Hakkai can barely articulate a syllable of questioning. "Wha...?"  
  
Sanzo glares at him, daring him to laugh. "Gojyo knocked me up. Male. Fucking. Pregnancy. Wasn't even a woman! I'm not reverting. I'm not fuckin' _reverting_!" Sanzo curls further over his distended belly, wincing in pain. "My back's killing me, I'm having mood swings, and I'm _craving_ pickles and ketchup. And squash. Lots of squash."  
  
Hakkai has to take a moment for himself, unable to even fathom how to return Sanzo to normal without sending him directly into another fiction and praying it's not the second chapter of the one he just left. Hair color changes, character death, gender changes, pregnancies, and major, noticeable wounds normally disappear as soon as the characters in question pass through the double doors.  
  
"Shouldn't be too hard, right?" Goku asks, startling them both. The boy pads around in socks on carpet, unnoticeable to those not anticipating his presence. Hakkai and Sanzo had been occupied enough that Goku had managed to watch the proceedings without making his presence known.  
  
"What would you know about it?" hisses Sanzo, experimentally pushing at his gut to see if it will have any effect upon his waistline.  
  
"It's obvious, right? You said Gojyo knocked you up, so that's the pairing. If the chapter's over, you change the pairing and boom! It's like you're in a new fiction. Worth a try. So," Goku clears his throat, giving a dramatic pause before dropping to his knees before Sanzo. "I love you _desperately_, my sun. Ooh, ooh, take me now!"  
  
There is an instant before Sanzo can react enough to beat Goku senseless. In this instant, any intimation of a change to Sanzo's pant size completely and utterly disappears. Sanzo is so bemused by this that Goku gets away scot-free. Hakkai has to laugh. "My, how inventive, Goku. How did you figure that out?"  
  
Goku grins. "Lucky guess? No, I lie." Goku's shoulders tremble, the slightest intimation as to the laughter he is holding down. "Happened once before. Gojyo had a similar problem. Poor guy just couldn't get rid of his boobs."  
  
Even Sanzo smirks at that mental image. Goku laughs outright at the memory and continues, "See, after I stopped laughing I felt kinda bad for him and..." Goku has to stop talking for a few minutes before he can regain coherency after this fit of giggles. "His boobs were...well, big enough to make his back hurt. So I was helping him get his shoulders back into shape when they went away. So if there's ever a glitch, we figure you just jump the pairing."  
  
Hakkai puts his hand on his chin. "I think I understand. But a massage? Really?"  
  
"The author must have had a really suggestive mind or something." Goku shrugs. "I just know what happened and it worked here too." He pauses and realizes where he is, still on his knees before a sitting Sanzo. Goku looks up into Sanzo's face and cries, "Show me where you keep the television!"  
  
For that, Sanzo smacks him. The tirade is cut off by the door slamming open with enough force to send a tremor through the walls. "Gojyo's home," murmurs Hakkai.  
  
Said redhead squishes through the apartment, pulling his boots from his feet and kicking out of his pants. The soggy clothes are left in a pile near the front door, and Gojyo goes to his own room to grab some dry pants.  
  
"What happened to you?" Hakkai asks upon seeing his friend. "And you know that's not where you leave your clothes."  
  
"Yes, mum," Gojyo drawls, buckling his belt and going out to pick up his pants and boots. He hangs the pants over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom and leaves the boots in the tub to dry out. "Know what gets my goat?" Gojyo asks, poking his head into Sanzo's room.  
  
"You have a goat?" Goku asks, unable to resist being difficult.   
  
Gojyo shoots him a dirty look and continues, "They can't make up their minds on whether or not I can swim! I swam fine yesterday and last week. But I was scared to death of water today. Sank like a brick until I realized the river was," he pats his hips, "hip deep."  
  
"Great. Just fine. Now could everybody leave?" Sanzo gripes, his arms still wrapped around his waist. "We can have a reunion somewhere else."  
  
"Right, right," Gojyo murmurs, complying. "I'm the one who got soaked and he's the wet hen."  
  
Hakkai is about to give Gojyo a gentle word of scolding when he nearly walks into the redhead. Gojyo has stopped dead in the entrance to their little den, staring in silence at the kitchen.  
  
The red light is on. It is flashing rhythmically as a red sheet of paper slips into the air. The red sheet of paper falls from the kitchen counter and floats gently to the floor.  
  
The only word spoken comes in a whisper from Goku's lips.  
  
_"Mom!"_  
  
.  
  
Notes: If you have any more ideas, I beg of you to send them in!  
  
Sussi: Hee. The talking-to-the-author bit has always annoyed me to no end. It will be dealt with accordingly. Muahaha.  
  
Blades of Ice: I always thought of Self-Inserts and Mary Sues as the same thing, just with different names and physical attributes. They're fun as hell to mock, though. Glad you're enjoying this so far.  
  
Lirin: I almost feel bad for taking your invitation! How nice of you - it's a selfless and generous thing you're doing. If I do find anything, I promise I won't be all that harsh - most of the things I'm having the guys bitch about are repeat offenses anyhow.  
  
Tripsoverhercats: Hm. Writing an apology note to Gojyo, eh? While that gives me many mailbox-ideas...nay, I'll hold off. And I agree, putting the Saiyuki boys in Hogwarts or making them all high-schoolers (Note to those who have read "Eights and Aces" - Gojyo _wasn't_! Haha!) isn't often a good mix. Especially the Hogwarts thing. Ew.  
  
Merf: Glad you like it! If anything else makes you twitch, send it in please! _[shameless pleading]_  
  
Elf Asato: You want mpreg? You get mpreg! I had a major giggle fit at your review and couldn't help it. I also agree about the sentence variety thing - I myself am quite guilty of that one, but I do realize how annoying it is. Eeh heh.  
  
Crimson1: Most of my inspiration does come from the fictions I see around here. The sunburn thing, however, comes from being fair-skinned myself. I know how the dynamics are supposed to work for that and yet Sanzo never, ever gets burned. Mwaha. Oh, and my friends all call me the "Grammar Nazi"...it's one of the fortes that makes me very popular when it comes time to have Peer Edits in English class.  
  
Rhoda: Well, instead of LirinxGojyo I went for the even-more-improbable LirinxHakkai. Just because I thought it would be -extremely- weird. I doubt the key would be auctioned you imagine all the servers on Ebay crashing at once?  
  
AliasOfWestgate: -Donnie Darko- is one of my favorite films. So awesome. And yeah, I was reminded of Nii just because Frank is a) a bunny and b) screwed up like crazy. Don't break your brain, please =P Well, I had been thinking of making fun of making the boys into girls and the whole Gojyo-with-boobs thing popped out. Hope you liked that.   
  
Me-Nuriko: Eeee I am _so_ guilty of your peeve. I'll be working it in later because I even bug myself with extensive use of Japanese. Be patient for it =)  
  
Zimus: I had to laugh at the fish/anchor switch, and there you have its cameo. Thanks for the suggestion!  
  
Iapetus: Hello, glad you found this too! Hee. As you can see, I ended this chapter with the lead-in to your first suggestion, and I'm hard at work on the other two. But, my gosh, how can I possibly poke fun at you? I'm going to have to be resourceful...but at least this means I get an excuse to read all the stuff in your archives. (Like I needed an excuse, but this helps me sleep at night! No, really!)  
  
Karu Leonesse: Lol! Parodies, OOC-ness, all shall be prodded. Glad you're liking this.  
  
Shelley: I understand the Goku rant completely. I shy away from him because he is an incredibly complex character and yet so transparent in his everyday actions. You have given me quite a few ideas, so thanks for that. Glad you're enjoying this - hope I gave you a little more trust in the humor genre, even if it might be undeserved...  
  
Plink: Eek! No! Don't _not_ write because of me =( I'd feel all bad. I'm all for _constructive_ criticism...this is just about all the terrible stuff you'll run into in the Saiyuki category if you don't know what you're about to read. Eh. Anyway, I'm happy you like this fic and, well, if you do ever post something please tell me 'cause I'm curious! I'll be gentle - I swear =)  
  
Sparrow319: China, huh? Hope you're having a great time. Glad you're enjoying my little ranting sessions. Waha. 


	5. Break the Fifth

A/N: Glad I'm still pleasing you all. This is too much fun to write. I call it: My Bitchfic. And everybody's bitchfic 'cause y'all seem to be having a good time with it!   
  
This chapter is me making so much fun of myself. Those of you who've read anything in the Yu Yu Hakusho fandom that I've done (If you haven't: **_DON'T_**...except for maybe "Shining Armor" hehe...) will know the instant you get to a certain point in the chapter. I'm so bad, but willing to make fun of myself!! Notes to reviewers at the end. Enjoy!  
  
.  
  
Somewhere, there is laughter. There is comfort. There is love. Tempers are eased, frayed nerves are healed, and the general feeling of goodwill translates into constant smiling. Even on Sanzo. To those unaccustomed, the look is mildly disturbing.  
  
Sanzo, Hakkai, Goku, and Gojyo suffer constantly at the hands of mischaracterization. They are bent into roles their personalities aren't suited to fit, twisted into different genders, different preferences, different mannerisms. The red sheets of paper do not come often, but they are salvation for the men and the others that live along their hallway. Playing the part their creator originally desired, acting as they are meant and built to act is an unbelievable luxury. The high lasts a few days in which everyone smiles and gets along, minor faux pas are ignored, and the world is just right. Everyone is comfortable in his own skin. Gestures of affection are more prevalent. The red sheets of paper are the works of the benevolent entity known best by the name Goku uses: "Mom".   
  
It is because of the resulting comfort in their own skins that the four can stumble into their apartment together in fits of uncontrollable laughter. They are also comfortable in one another's skins.  
  
Gojyo wipes tears from the corners of his eyes, arms thrown over Hakkai's and Sanzo's shoulders. Sanzo lets the limb remain. "I mean," Gojyo gasps, "putting Goku in _your_ body _was_ a great touch." He collapses into giggles again, pointing at Sanzo. "I've never seen you stuff so much food in your face before!"  
  
Sanzo makes a face. "That reminds me," he mutters, dislodging Gojyo's arm. "I'm going to go chug some of the pink stuff." He walks in the direction of the nearest bathroom, reaching up to cradle his overstuffed stomach. Goku's persona may have worn him, but the organs are all his. Because of this, Goku soon pipes up.  
  
"Geez, Hakkai, you don't eat enough. You should have fed me more!" Goku accuses, heading toward the kitchen. Gojyo keeps his arm around Hakkai, taking a few more moments of contact to steady himself.  
  
"How do you do it?" he asks, putting his hand out in front of him. "Took me all fiction to get used to having one eye and now I've got depth perception again. I gotta check to make sure Sanzo didn't cut anything of mine off."  
  
Hakkai laughs, letting Gojyo lean on him for as long as the redhead wants. "I'm sure you would have noticed before now. Should I be checking myself for missing parts?" he inquires in jest. Gojyo leers at him and mutters something incoherent about a packaged deal. The redhead then rights himself, straightening his vest and falling backwards onto the couch. Hakkai watches, left to stare bemusedly at the soles of Gojyo's boots. The redhead just barely misses cracking his skull on the coffee table.  
  
"Be careful," Hakkai admonishes, looking over the back of the couch to check on Gojyo.  
  
Gojyo half-smirks, baring a few of his teeth. "No, no, you're supposed to say 'Daijoubu desu ka,Gojyo?' on account of the writer's gotta show off their Japanese mastery."  
  
Hakkai grins. "Yare yare desu ne. You forgot the honorific I always give you, Gojyo-san."  
  
"Dare ga 'Gojyo-san', 'Kai-kun," Gojyo responds, closing his eyes to laugh. "You now have permission to hurt me."  
  
"You abbreviated my name. Bad Gojyo. No biscuit," Hakkai chides playfully, and puts his chin on his hand. "How, exactly, would we abbreviate your name? Or anyone else's, for that matter?"  
  
"'Kai, 'Jyo, 'Ku, 'Zo, 'Yuu. Um. Kou, Doku, 'Rin, 'Ne? 'Ra, 'Non, and...I have no idea how to shorten 'Shien'." Gojyo laughs as Hakkai gives him an exasperated look. "You're the one that asked."  
  
"Hey, that looks like fun!" Goku exclaims, and is soon sprawled over the couch much in the same fashion as Gojyo, his knees bent back over the backrest and his head dangling toward the floor.  
  
"After a while you start to feel woozy," says Gojyo, and sits up, crossing his arms over his knees.  
  
"My, that looks uncomfortable," Hakkai comments, and Gojyo shrugs, wiggling his feet at Hakkai.  
  
Sanzo pads, sock-footed, into the room and surveys Gojyo's position. "That doesn't even really require being flexible," he comments, sitting right-side-up next to Goku. "If you kick me, you'll regret it."  
  
"Uh-huh. Um. I was talking to the author in a fiction today and..." before Goku can finish his sentence, the other three are making mild sounds of sympathetic protest. Goku grins a little, continuing, "Yeah, well, at least I wasn't doting upon her or anything. Just a pause from the action for a little chat."  
  
"That's so annoying. I don't fuckin' get to answer for myself...it's like being a ventriloquist's dummy," Sanzo gripes, his eyes narrowing. Gojyo laughs.  
  
"It is pretty funny when they only talk to one of us, though, 'cause we just see 'em go all glazed over. Goku here must have looked like a deer in headlights," the redhead jabs, pointing to Goku.  
  
The boy clears his throat. "May I continue my story please kay thanks? ...I've got a funny feeling I'm spending way too much time around preteens. Anyhow - and Hakkai's gonna like this one - she told me I was too adorable to kill. Some lazy-ass apostrophe slept in so now I've not only got a pet Cute but a Too-Adorable as well. Which brings up the question of why she wanted to kill it. I'll have to be really protective of my possessions from now on."  
  
Hakkai laughs at this one, and a few seconds later both Gojyo and Sanzo catch on. "Good one. I must have about fifty Sexys flying around the place if that's the case," Gojyo responds. He pokes his calf and declares, "And now I've lost all feeling to my feet."  
  
"Easily remedied," Hakkai responds, grabbing Gojyo by the ankles and twisting him until he falls over into a position much better for his circulatory system.  
  
"Speaking of sexy," murmurs Sanzo, and Gojyo can't help but cut in.  
  
"Now _that's_ something I never expected out of your mouth. Guess my body had an effect on you, huh?" Gojyo quips with a grin. Sanzo, instead of starting directly with violence, shakes his head in exasperation.  
  
"Before I was so rudely interrupted, I was about to ask about the current and disturbing new trend in fictions today." Sensing he has full attention of everyone in the room, Sanzo continues, "Makeup. Eyeliner, blush, glitter, lip gloss. _Why_?"  
  
Gojyo shudders and curls over his legs in mock-fetal position. Hakkai, still standing behind the couch, pats his shoulder. "We've all noticed the upswing in costumes," says Hakkai, his brows furrowed. "Even when we _aren't_ turned into women, we're wearing makeup more and more often. And it's normally Gojyo who teaches the rest of us how."  
  
The redhead buries his head in his arms. "Ugh! I might just grind my eyes out with a lash curler next time. I'm not even supposed to know what the stupid thing is! Why do I care?"  
  
Goku flops over, careful not to hit Sanzo, and lays full-length on the couch. "Not only that, but we play dress-up a lot. I mean, really really tight leather? On me? I couldn't walk!"  
  
Sanzo nods, giving an irritated growl. "From experience, leather's not the best of choices for living in the desert. But at least my leathers are _mine_."  
  
"Couple a few costume changes with a lot of body glitter and we're practically a Broadway musical," Goku gripes.  
  
Hakkai elaborates on the idea. "Or San Franciscan street performers."  
  
Gojyo nearly bites down on his own wrist. "I've got it. I know why. It all makes sense. Hell, it's happened in a few fictions already. Far more than a few."  
  
"What?" asks Hakkai.  
  
"The pregnancies. The stints with boobs. The costume changes. The makeup. The sappy love confessions. They're trying to turn us into women!" This epiphany earns him a gentle cuff behind the ear from Hakkai. Sanzo is in no position to reach the redhead, so the brunette took some liberties.   
  
"Any bright ideas as to why?" Goku asks wryly through his laughter.  
  
Gojyo obviously hadn't thought of this. "Uh. Lesbians are hot?"  
  
This earns the redhead a few more blows, as Sanzo finds impetus to move overpowering compared to the comfort of sitting still.  
  
.  
  
Notes: Whee! Chapter six is gonna be fu-unnnn...  
  
Elf Asato: Eee you flatter me X) Glad you're enjoying it. The boys seem to be saying "WHY???" as well...  
  
Me-Nuriko: Actually that's a good idea I'd been thinking about messing with. I've just got to figure out how to work it in. Mwahaha. As for the whole mpreg thing...I shudder.  
  
OptiMoose: You have given me _many_ good ideas. Oh, so many. Mwahaha.  
  
Karu Leonnese: Lol, yes, I think you've stumbled onto potential for a running gag...  
  
Iapetus: Darn for eating your reviews!! Oh, and thanks for referring people to me! I so happy now.  
  
Mei Yanohi: Thanks for the input - your review made me giggle and there's lots of potential there...  
  
Zimus: Hee, I couldn't _help_ but put the water thing in. It's too priceless.  
  
Inuyuki: The numbers used to confuse the heck outta me too. Glad you're enjoying this =)  
  
Crimson1: Iapetus gave me the idea, talking about Gunlock and various other Saiyuki stuff that's still coming out. I figured the boys deserved a respite from fanficworld every once in a while =)  
  
Merf: I couldn't help it. Your review got pushed to the front of the pile for its major inspiration fodder. I love you! And yes, the best vampire fic out there is definitely Iapetus'. The only thing it's missing is an update. (subliminal poking)  
  
Lena Claire: Original is good! Original is very good. Lol. I think the weirdest pairing I'm willing to explore was the one I did with Hakkai and Lirin a while back. I actually wrote a fic with Kanzeon Bosatsu/Gojyo once...eh...  
  
Orenda: I'm glad you didn't skip over this story yet either! I sure hope I'm keeping the boys in character for everyone's sake. Oh, and even if the fic ends before you feel you've got something substantial written, I'd like to see whatever you do finish! 


	6. Interlude Sextimo

A/N: This is the chapter where I fuck with you all. I had fun. It's short, so I'm tacking it up as sort of a second part to chapter five. No reviews yet because it's so soon. Enjoy my bout of having way too much fun.  
  
.  
  
Somewhere, a fiction ends, quite to the surprise of the characters involved. Hakkai and Gojyo push through the double doors with confused looks on their faces. Gojyo turns to Hakkai, his mouth open to say something, when he realizes how deeply Hakkai is blushing.  
  
"Wasn't that irksome?" Hakkai asks by way of forcing conversation. His voice is low and husky despite his best attempts to control his breathing.  
  
"Mm. Fuckin' _great_ place for a fiction to end, mark my words," Gojyo agrees, realizing how deep his own voice has gotten. The fiction the two had just finished spent pages in buildup of unresolved sexual tension between Hakkai and Gojyo, palpable and pulsing until the final climax scene. It ended, utterly unsatisfactorily, with the two of them getting caught mid-grope. Though the parting shot had been particularly witty, neither Gojyo nor Hakkai were in any position to appreciate it. The pair are used to the slow, painful buildup. The obligatory release, in this case, had been forgotten.  
  
Hakkai fumbles for his key while Gojyo leans against the wall next to him. Becoming mildly impatient, the redhead reaches into Hakkai's pocket, closes his hand around the keyring, and brings both their hands into the air with a triumphant grin. Hakkai smiles gamely back, trying to ignore the residual flush the fiction left behind.  
  
"Too bad we got caught, huh?" Gojyo drawls, keeping his fingers wrapped about Hakkai's hand. "But you have to admit the possibility means things aren't quite so boring as they could be. Not that I'm sick of you," he adds, letting his grin grow. Seduction is easy, after his having been walked through it so many times. And with Hakkai he is comfortable. And with Hakkai he has an impeccable success rate. And Hakkai is wanting as well.  
  
"Come on, now," Hakkai tries to chide, pulling his hand out of Gojyo's and managing to shove the key into the lock. "What you're suggesting is...is ludicrous. R-ridiculous."  
  
Gojyo grins, cupping his hand over the key so Hakkai can't get to it. "You're stammering. It's not like this is a new thing for either of us. Mutual satisfaction, right?"  
  
"If that's really all it is," Hakkai responds after barely a pause. Gojyo nods, dropping his hand from the key and bringing it up to Hakkai's back. Any further advances are halted by Hakkai's breathy tones of admonishment. "But not in the hall."  
  
Hakkai reaches for the doorknob but Gojyo swats his hand away. "Yes, in the hall." He brings Hakkai's body flush with his own, suddenly aware he has no idea of how Hakkai will actually react. All of the times they have been together, the scenes have been adulterated by the author's perceptions of erogenous zones, fetishes, or even the dynamics of sexual practice in their rawest form. Outside of the coddling world of fanfiction, Gojyo realizes he's stuck with the proverbial square peg, ready to face down the round hole, pun intended. Let it not be said that Sha Gojyo is a man that steps down from a challenge, however, and so he sets about making Hakkai forget their location. He brings his lips to Hakkai's closed mouth, running flesh over flesh in a few exploratory caresses. Hakkai's hands unwrap themselves from Gojyo's arms and tangle in long, red hair.  
  
Easy. With Hakkai, it is always easy. Gojyo foregoes any pretense and grinds his hips against Hakkai's, firmly grabbing Hakkai's waist. The brunette's jaw goes slack in response, giving Gojyo time to regain his scattered wits and plunge his tongue into Hakkai's vulnerable mouth. So easy.  
  
Hakkai gently bites down on Gojyo's tongue. His voice is huskier than before, and his hands are hitching at the hem of Gojyo's shirt even as he speaks. "_Not_ in the hall. Please?"  
  
The redhead's throat goes dry. On the one hand, the prospect of rendering Hakkai senseless and screaming in a relatively public area is a highly arousing idea. On the other, Hakkai had said 'please' in such a tone that Gojyo was hard-pressed -again, pun intended- to give in to the demand. Hakkai sees the moment of indecision and repeats the word between featherlight kisses down Gojyo's neck. Decision made.  
  
Gojyo wraps one arm about Hakkai, grinding their hips together again as his other hand makes its faltering way toward the key in the lock. He manages to unlock the door despite Hakkai's mischievous ministrations, and the two stumble inside the empty apartment, slamming the door heavily against the hallway.  
  
.  
  
Somewhere, a fiction ends, quite to the surprise of the characters involved. Hakkai and Gojyo push through the double doors with confused looks on their faces. Gojyo turns to Hakkai.  
  
"Isn't that...twice now? Hey, d'you think we'll ever get to finish what we started?" he asks, putting on a suggestive tone.  
  
Hakkai presses the heels of his hands to his eyes. "Not now, Gojyo, I've got the most explosive headache." 


	7. Break the Seventh

A/N: Glad you all enjoyed chapters five and especially six. Six still makes me giggle.  
  
I am guilty of mischaracterising Homura. For this, I should be shot. Instead, I write chapter seven. Notes to reviewers at the end.  
  
.  
  
Somewhere, there is a cry of pain. Contrary to all popular belief, the sound comes from Sanzo's throat. He leans heavily into Gojyo as the redhead acts as a crutch, helping him to walk down the hallway toward the safety and sanctity of their rooms.  
  
"I am so sorry," Gojyo repeats, tightening his hold under Sanzo's arms. "I couldn't get to the emergency bottle; there was no time."  
  
Sanzo grits his teeth, shakes his head. "I've lived through worse." Gojyo gets the door open and helps Sanzo inside. "Hakkai?" the blonde calls, his voice steady. "Normally I wouldn't call upon you but I'm in need of a little help."  
  
Said brunette pokes his head out of his bedroom with a cry of, "Coming! What's the matter?"  
  
By the time Hakkai gets into the den, Gojyo and Sanzo have kicked off their shoes and Gojyo is holding Sanzo upright in the kitchen, away from the carpeting. Upon Hakkai's arrival, only Gojyo shows extreme embarrassment. "I tried, Hakkai, really I did," he tries to explain, gesturing to himself and then to Sanzo. "But the story moved so fast I couldn't even sneak in a little lubricant and I think I may have hurt something."  
  
Sanzo bears the explanation with much the same stoic and understanding expression as is on Hakkai. No matter how deft Gojyo has become, there are times when Sanzo must endure him without any artificial aid. It has happened to them all in various circumstances, and whether or not bleeding is intended, the wounds are not healed simply by entering the hallway. Only rarely is Hakkai called upon outside of a fiction, and often this case or one similar is the reason. "Bleeding like crazy," Sanzo adds by way of explanation.  
  
Hakkai moves Gojyo out of the way with gentle hands and lays his palms over the small of Sanzo's back. As he focuses his energy on healing Sanzo, he murmurs, "You'll want a shower, I presume?"  
  
"Un," agrees Sanzo, supporting his weight with his arms on the kitchen counter. He opens his eyes to find Gojyo's face near his own. He scowls at the redhead. "If you apologize one more time I'll shoot you. It couldn't be helped." Though Gojyo does not cease to look utterly miserable, he manages a smile and nod.  
  
Hakkai pats Sanzo's shoulder. "All done. Normally I'd tell you to lay off sex and spicy foods, but you'll be back at work in a while and completely healed anyway." Sanzo snorts and nods, walking unhindered toward the bathroom. As he passes Gojyo, he shoots the redhead one more look. Hakkai notices.  
  
"Hey," he says, reaching over the counter to nudge Gojyo, "don't worry about it."  
  
"I _hate_ doing that. To him or anybody. The description was so thick, though. Everybody knew where my hands were at all points in time. I couldn't help him. I _hate_ doing that." Gojyo rubs his forehead. Hakkai sighs, knowing Gojyo will be morose for as long as it takes for him to realize Sanzo is resilient enough to take it.  
  
Hakkai tries a curious approach to alleviate Gojyo's mood, "Well, at least you're not a canon villain, right?"  
  
Gojyo snorts. "Yeah, at least sometimes writers _remember_ the niceties for the good guys. I'd collapse from stress if I had to sneak lube in every last fiction I did. I don't know how Homura and those guys pull it off."  
  
Hakkai smiles, knowing that setting the redhead off on another rant will help to get his conscience off his back about Sanzo. "Apparently, though, they get the unexpected upside of a devoted follower. Rape equals love if done right."  
  
"That's what I call fuzzy math," Gojyo responds, drawing cocentric circles on the counter. "I mean, trauma? What trauma? Nii stuck me full of wires and it _hurt_ so let's do it again and get married while we're at it!" Gojyo shakes his head. "No, I don't think so. More than that though, that guy creeps me out. You know? I've got reasonable respect for practically everybody here, present company times a bijillion, but not for him. He's just plain weird."  
  
Hakkai nods, glad Gojyo took the tangent and ran. "At least he's true to form." Hakkai is about to say something else when there comes a knock at the front door. It is slow and authoritative and echoes through the apartment. "My," Hakkai murmurs, "That's never happened before."  
  
The brunette goes to the door and, with barely a glance through the peep-hole, opens it wide. The face that meets him is haggard and exhausted, though undeniable power and confidence twists the handsome features. "Homura!" Hakkai cries, "Are you alright?"  
  
Gojyo leans over to catch a glimpse of their visitor. "You look like you've been hit by a truck."  
  
"Aah, Kenren and Tenpou." Homura blinks, shakes his head, and says, "My apologies. I know who you are. However, I can't seem to help using the wrong names."  
  
"That's for sure," Gojyo responds as Hakkai leads Homura into the den. "Those guys live a little further down." He pauses to laugh. "It was really interesting when Goku met Goku, tell you that much."  
  
"What's the special occasion?" Hakkai asks politely, shutting the door behind Homura.  
  
The god of war stands austere and stoic, betrayed only by his state of disarray. "I don't think I've been characterized correctly in months," he murmurs. "It's become so that I'm losing myself to an obsessive, unhinged rapist that uses my name. But I really called upon you because I've lost my Keys."  
  
The subtle capital letter is not lost on Homura's audience. Hakkai brings his hand up over his mouth. "Oh, my. Did you leave them in a fiction?"  
  
Gojyo cuts in, "You're welcome to sit, you know."  
  
Homura strides over to one of the couches with only a slight stagger and gracefully seats himself. "I'm not sure where they are. If I did, and that is the best case scenario, they've been lost forever."  
  
"I hope that's what happened, for your sake," Hakkai responds. But as he watches the body language of the man on the couch, he knows there is more left to be said.  
  
Homura looks down to the hands he has folded in his lap. "The last fiction I experienced had a Mary-Sue," he states, clearly and quietly. "I was subjected to any number of horrors I don't care to name. I wonder if she has them."  
  
In the ensuing silence, Gojyo's shoulders begin to shake. And then his laughter escapes. "I kind of hope she does," Gojyo says, "have your keys, I mean. Because then you get to beat the shit out of her. I'd kill for that kind of chance."  
  
Hakkai grins. "It could be cathartic, come to think of it. I wonder how strong they are outside of an author's protection?"  
  
There is, for an instant, a flicker of the Homura with which Gojyo and Hakkai are more familiar. The moment passes, but both caught the man's expression. The smell of floral perfume seeps under the door and Homura's grin only grows.  
  
.  
  
Goku and Kougaiji push through the double doors in pleasant conversation when Goku nearly runs smack into Homura. The god of war is rising after picking up his keys from a pile of ash on the floor. Gojyo, Hakkai, Zenon, and Shien are politely applauding. Gojyo and Zenon wear shit-eating grins. Forgetting Kougaiji, Goku asks, "What'd I miss?"  
  
Homura nods down to Goku and responds, "Minor target practice. I feel you would have been bored by it."  
  
.  
  
Notes:  
  
Joonie: Sorry for not replying to your comment on chapter four! It didn't show up in time. Eh heh. And I'm pret-ty sure Minekura is female. "Mom"'s a good entityword though.  
  
OptiMoose: Lol! Ultimate Mary-Sue...that is quite a term. As for Sanzo's underclothes, they're most often referred to as 'leathers' so I just ran with it. Perhaps the armwarmers are of a different fabric or something - I never really dwelled upon it... And yeah, the oh-yes-you-two-are-boinking-this-changes-nothing aspect of some fictions bugs me too. I shall see what I can do with it. Hee.  
  
Sparrow319: As for stories I've used, so far I've made them all up. There are various fictions that inspire me, but I've never quoted one verbatim. If I do, I'll be sure to accredit it either at beginning or end of the chapter. Oh, and love triangles are nothing compared to some of the love quadrilaterals I've seen. Polygons know no limits...  
  
Mezi: I'm a goddess?? Really? Cool! (Speaking of, your boyfriend told me he made a shrine to me)...and I'll have to ask him about the Goku/Gojyo in the manga. That's only mildly odd o.O; Glad you're enjoying. Always good to give the giggles =)  
  
Crimson1: I snort when I laugh, too. It's no big ;) Chapter 6 was partly inspired by Groundhog Day and partly by a GetBackers fiction where Ban uses his Jagan on himself. I can't find it for the life of me, but you get the picture.  
  
Merf: Talking before and after the fiction is nothing compared to it running rampant throughout the fic. The one exception I'll make is Tyrne J's "beating people up with sticks!" because that makes no sense anyway. Hee.  
  
Me-Nuriko: The makeup thing is far more prevalent in the Weiss Kreuz/Knight Hunters fandom, but I have seen a few fics where the Saiyuki boys are subjected. Glad you liked the end of chapter six. Heeh.  
  
Inuyuki: Lol, see above response to Me-Nuriko about the makeup. Are you referring to the episode about the city of Tofugai? I've actually _seen_ that one! Is the Sanbutsushin's charge card an ATM card or like a Visa? I didn't think they needed an ATM to use it...  
  
Iapetus: Wow, was I referring to a fiction with the body switching thing? I was um...making it up as I went. Oh well, I'm vindicated again! Wow. Lol I'm glad you liked 'No biscuit'. It's a saying I use and I figured it'd fit. And if Ein ever met up with the Saiyuki boys, Hakuryuu'd have some competition. Ah love Cowboy Bebop. Whee! Amen to all the psychological theories you have - I believe the points you made about making the boys girls. Hope you enjoyed this particular chapter for the continued use of Capitals and characterisation of Homura...and I'll make fun of Vampirefics, I really will. (Glad your writer's block is destroyed! Updates, please!) Finally, as to chapter six, what kind of author would I be if I didn't make fun of myself? I had way too much fun with chapter six.  
  
Karu Leonesse: Yay! I gave you the fall-over-giggles! I consider your brain twisted, love. Glad you enjoyed it! 


	8. Break the Eighth

A/N: Inuyasha, Hellsing, Sailor Moon, Gundam Wing, and the Vampire Chronicles are NOT mine! It'd be crazy if they were, huh? Much inspiration for this chapter came from sf's "A Season In Hell" and thus I must credit her. I humbly bow before the greatness that is sf. I can't get the image of Alucard literally halfway through a door out of my mind.   
  
Sorry there weren't any earlier updates...but I was at ComiCon. Nyahaha! Enjoy this chapter...  
  
.  
  
Somewhere, there is blood. It pours over bare skin, staining flesh and clothing alike. Goku tenderly probes at his wound, hissing in pain. He sits perched on the kitchen counter as Hakkai cleans him up with a wet washcloth. Clots are not forming to stem the flow.  
  
Sanzo and Gojyo look on, sitting with some affects of apathy on separate sofas. Sanzo absently rubs at his mouth, testing his teeth for the sharpness that has long faded. His lips and fingers are stained red. Gojyo's hands are busy unhooking false teeth. He examines the inserts for a moment before stuffing them into his pants pocket.  
  
"Ouch! Hakkai!" cries Goku, trying to clap his hand over his neck. Hakkai takes him by the wrists, shoving the boy's hands down onto the counter with no little effort.  
  
"Wait," Hakkai admonishes, "This is tricky. Sanzo didn't use false teeth for this one. I've got to concentrate."  
  
Gojyo looks at Sanzo's bloodied mouth and hands with a shudder. "Kind of glad my teeth never really respond to that sort of stuff. Guess Sanzo's just sensitive."  
  
"Ha-fucking-bite me." Sanzo rubs his hands on the sides of his robes. No color comes off, but the movement is reassuring. Gojyo laughs.  
  
"I should have left the teeth in, then."  
  
Goku winces as Hakkai cleans out his wound. "What's with the upswing in vampirefics these days, huh? I'm sick of getting bitten so much!"  
  
Gojyo leers at Sanzo. "It's the only way they can get the blonde to seduce you," he responds, putting his chin on his hand. "Aside from that they're mostly not much more than your normal slash anyway."  
  
Goku shudders. "That Alucard guy is starting to creep me out! He's absolutely crazy."  
  
Hakkai smiles. "I don't mind him all that much. He's often at least a tentative ally anyway."  
  
"He's blatant! He's hit on all of us at least twice. Sometimes in the same fiction!" Goku adds. Gojyo laughs.  
  
"He's friendly, then. And at least he's done the biting job so much you hardly even feel it afterward. He never leaves a mark." Gojyo points to his own neck. "I hardly even bruised that one time. While Hakkai's got to play doctor because that novice over there," here, Gojyo points at Sanzo, "got hungry."  
  
Sanzo glares at Gojyo. "You're not amusing in the slightest." He rubs his hands together and mutters, solely for Hakkai's benefit, "Out, damned spot." Hakkai smirks before returning to the work at his hands, and Sanzo continues, "Anyway, you just like vampires _because_ they hit on you. Your pulse is as desirable as mine."  
  
Gojyo grins. "Yeah, but they've got the greatest pickup lines. What was that one, 'I'm going to give you the choice I never had'? That's sex on a stick, right there."  
  
"I'm swearing off carnival food," Goku mutters, making a face. "You done yet, Hakkai?"  
  
"Almost." The man's hands hover over Goku's neck for another instant, and then move to clean up the mess made during the healing. "It will work for the time being. Hopefully the next fiction doesn't involve being bitten there again." He wrings out the washcloth and hangs it over the faucet to dry. "Speaking of crossovers," Hakkai continues, "isn't it amusing we met Gojyo's match? That one handsome monk who kept asking every woman to bear his child?"  
  
Sanzo smirks. "I'll admit that's a much better line than some I've heard from Gojyo."  
  
The redhead splutters. "Hey, that's not fair! At least I'm successful! He hangs out with two gorgeous girls and that guy with the fluffy ears and he isn't getting _any_." Gojyo leans back and puts on a haughty show of checking his fingernails. "Even _that_ guy was getting more action. 'Sit, boy' indeed."  
  
As the others give a collective wince at Gojyo's wordplay, Goku hoists himself off of the counter and says, "Well, I thought that guy's ears were cool."  
  
"Yeah, you couldn't keep your hands off of them," Sanzo snaps back, watching as Goku crosses the room to sit by him. "And for some reason they had me jealous over it, too."  
  
"Personally, I was jealous of the little fox-kit. Shippou. He had a _good_ racket going," Gojyo drawls.  
  
Hakkai shakes his head, coming to sit by Gojyo on the couch. "Yes, whenever he was scared he sought solace in Kagome's bosom. Quite a nice comfort zone."  
  
"Speaking of," Goku says, grinning a little and thrusting his right arm into the air, "Who wants to do another Sailor Moon crossover?"  
  
Gojyo copies the movement, throwing his head back to laugh. "I don't mind the righteous speeches so much, s'long as their skirts blow in the wind..."  
  
Sanzo turns his head away, snorting indignantly. "It gets rather cold."  
  
Had they not been sitting, Goku, Gojyo, and Hakkai would have fallen over. Hakkai regains his voice first. "When...when was this?"  
  
"Just for an instant in one of those fucked-up sugar-high fictions. I'm just saying I pity those girls."  
  
Gojyo has to bury his face in his arms to keep from laughing. Goku is doing an admirable job by biting down hard on his lower lip. Hakkai elbows Gojyo and says, "Well, I'm sure the Gundam boys will keep them all company in therapy."  
  
At this, Gojyo sits straight up. "Those kids are _fucked_ beyond all measure. I thought we had it bad until I met them. The sweet little blonde one..." Gojyo puts his hands over his eyes. "Nope, I'm very happy where I am, thanks."  
  
Sanzo nods, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. Vampiristic tendencies left him little time earlier that day for a smoke. "At least they've yet to stuff us into wedding dresses. Of course, there are always alternate universes..."  
  
Goku squints his eyes closed. "I thought crossovers _were_ alternate universes."  
  
"Yes and no," Hakkai explains, looking a bit confused about it himself. "Crossovers can take place anywhere the author chooses, whether in our universe or the other fandom's or somewhere completely different. Alternate universe fictions can have crossover cameos but normally revolve around the four of us leading different lives in different species, occupations, and ages. At least, that's what I've gathered."  
  
"Yeah," Gojyo seconds, looking longingly at Sanzo's cigarette for a moment before pulling out his own. He pops one into his mouth and speaks around the filter. "Like for example instead of half-breed I could be half-Latino. Which makes me wonder what my other half is if Latino's so noteworthy, but you get the point."  
  
"Lo comprendo. Oop." Goku grins a bit. "Sorry, I did a fiction in Spanish earlier today."  
  
Hakkai smiles compassionately. "We understand. I hadn't used French in a long time and had to get back into the swing of things a few weeks back."  
  
Gojyo leans back, blowing smoke out with his words. "Do you remember the good old days when it was only Japanese? It was easy, wasn't it?"  
  
Sanzo flicks ash into the ashtray on the coffee table. "Be glad we're not as mainstream as we could be."  
  
Hakkai nods. "However, I have read that being versed in many languages is good for the brain."  
  
"Versed?" Goku interjects. "I just hear the words coming out of my mouth. I've got no idea what they mean! It's not like I can control my body otherwise anyway." He shrugs. "At least then if I'm mischaracterized I at least don't have to hear the mush I'm saying."  
  
"Ignorance is bliss, I suppose," Hakkai responds, smiling gamely.  
  
The four jump at a loud, irritating series of beeps. This is not the signal for the red light, no, but the smoke alarm installed over the stove in the kitchen. Instead of rubbing out their cigarettes, Gojyo and Sanzo continue to smoke comfortably. Sanzo pulls out his gun, shoots the smoke alarm, and flicks ash from the end of his dogend into the ashtray on the coffee table.  
  
Hakkai sighs and mutters, "You know, Sanzo, that's the fourth one this month."  
  
The blonde shrugs. "Stop buying them, then."  
  
.  
  
Notes: Anybody else go to ComiCon? That was some fun stuff, man!  
  
Sussi: Glad you're laughing. Hm. I'm actually working on that idea right now because it's got promise...we'll see what I come up with.  
  
Iapetus: I'm going to go build a bomb shelter for myself now. And hopefully I'll never have to use it (Homura remains safe. No really.) The golf-course applause was kind of the effect I was going for at the end of the last chapter - I think you hit the nail on the head. Hope you enjoyed my finally getting to vampirefics...  
  
UnknownHitokiri: This is as close to letting other anime characters into the hallway as I'm going to get. I figure every fandom has its own hallway, no tresspassers allowed. Crossovers, however, are fair game! =) Glad you're enjoying this.  
  
Shelley: Yes, that does seem to be Sanzo's way, doesn't it? I'm just paying attention to the abuse-the-monk trend in "The Breakroom" as well. And I admit it's sometimes fun to incapacitate him. Just a little. X)  
  
Merf: Okay, so it -is- an ATM card. Thanks for clearing up that confusion. You know, it's hard to tell earlier on. Secondly...!! I've seen that image from the manga and I _know_ Mezi's boyfriend has seen it too. That's probably where he got it from...although all I could think of was how cute Sanzo's toes were. XD  
  
Rhoda: Snerking is good! Lol snerking is very good! Both your suggestions have been noted and I'll get to work on them. I figured letting you imagine whatever happened to the Mary-Sue, however, was the best way for that particular chapter to go =)  
  
Joonie: The subtle capitalization of certain letters to add emphasis is something I was mildly poking fun at. It's like in Batman Forever where Alfred says "He took the Car." meaning the Batmobile and not the Benz.  
  
Elf Asato: Thanks! I think it might still be my favorite for subtlety and brain-hurtage...  
  
Blades of Ice: That's exactly what annoyed me...glad I'm vindicated =)  
  
D-Chan: Yay. I amuse you. Sorry if I find that awesome. Glad you're enjoying it and I hope I keep this up to par.  
  
Me-Nuriko: I'm pretty sure "Going Downhill Fast" is the right fic as well - you do your research, my dear! I love Ban to no end, but the proliferation of fluff in the GB fandom makes me shy away - I fear I'm not familiar enough with the characters to attempt anything substantial. But I do have a thing for cow pajamas nonetheless. Heh.  
  
OptiMoose: I think my replies to you could be pages long, so I'll keep this short. Amen to everything. Especially that chocolate Sanzo bit. Hope you like this chapter - I'll work on the heavy issues as they pop up. And, wow, as to the leather thing. I don't think I could possibly think that much on it. I bow to you.  
  
Keistje: Heh, I'm always here for catch-up time! Glad you're giggling. 


	9. Break the Ninth

A/N: Spiderman, Cowboy Bebop, Iapetus' "Midnight Snack" aren't mine. "Midnight Snack" can be found on Iapetus' adult fanfiction site in her profile. I couldn't resist this chapter once I reread it. Reading the fiction is not required, but definitely recommended.   
  
It's official: This fiction has surpassed "Snapshots" in both wordcount and reviews. I wonder what that says about y'all's preferences...  
  
Notes to reviewers at the end of the chapter!  
  
.  
  
Somewhere, there is a struggle. Hakkai smiles at the hands clasped firmly about his arm, though the expression is strained and dangerous. The hands gripping his forearm are delicate, beautiful, perfectly-manicured. These hands are attached to slim wrists, toned arms, an attractive swan-neck, and gorgeous emerald eyes set in a feminine face framed by gentle brunette waves. Her personality mirrors his exactly. Except for the strange quirk that causes her to glomp him unexpectedly. She is his intended soulmate and she won't let go.  
  
Hakkai peels her fingers away from his body one by one, shoving her back through the double doors and slamming them closed, calling out polite farewells all the while. He leans against the doors once he is safe and releases a breath of relief and exasperation. After he and his companions saved four gorgeous damsels in distress, they realized each girl was specifically programmed to be "compatible" with each of them. This was often the case with girls they encountered that came in groups. Hakkai is glad the numbers matched in that particular fiction, rather than having to watch his friends fight one another over some girl.  
  
Hakkai is lucky, or luckier than his companions are. He is afforded some down-time between fictions in which to rest, while the others rush off to please the whims of new authors. He rubs the pinched skin of his forearm and walks calmly to his door, fishing his key out of his pocket and letting himself in. There are two boxes of cigarettes, different brands, on the kitchen counter. There is also a basket of fruit and a pitcher of iced tea. Hakkai shrugs to himself, never questioning the choice of provisions, and pours himself a glass of iced tea. He remembers the fiction and chuckles to himself.  
  
Sanzo had, at one point, gotten down on one knee, clutched the earth-brown hands of his intended beloved, and declared his eternal love in a loud, wretched, sobbing voice. Their identical sets of blue-violet eyes had locked, bluebirds sang, and she had begun to cry. The ensuing kiss was mind-blowing enough that fireworks spontaneously shot into the sky. Hakkai had been drawn into a similar kiss by his partner not long after. Hakkai takes another sip of iced tea to clear her taste from his mouth.  
  
_The best part of that mess_, Hakkai muses, _was the part with Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama._ The heavenly hermaphrodite had made hir presence known after Goku's limiter shattered. His 'girlfriend' had been in dire distress at the time, and his emotions so overpowered him that even Sanzo's wellbeing couldn't keep him from metamorphosing into Seiten Taisei Son Goku. The heretic had raged madly until Kanzeon Bosatsu shut him up. Sanzo had apparently been incapacitated enough not to be able to form a new coronet for his charge, though the blonde monk was fighting fit and able-bodied. Kanzeon Bosatsu, after taking care of Goku, showed uncharacteristic affection and kindness toward hir nephew and his new love, explaining that the four beautiful women were to accompany the Sanzo-ikkou as se had intended from the start of their journey. And then se had explained that Goku's lover was Sanzo's long-lost sister. Cue Happily Ever After.  
  
Hakkai shakes his head, at least glad for the reasonable grammar and spelling prowess of that particular writer. He has far higher tolerance for idiocy that does not translate into mechanics.   
  
He looks up at the familiar click of the bolt sliding back and smiles a welcome at Gojyo. The redhead distractedly waves back, kicking the door shut behind him and struggling to pull cobwebs out of his hair.  
  
"What happened to you?" asks Hakkai, coming over to help.  
  
Gojyo grins lasciviously. "Kinky Spiderman crossover. That Peter Parker knows how to play."  
  
"Need I know the details?" Hakkai responds with mild sarcasm.  
  
Gojyo laughs, peeling webbing from his skin. "It was pretty cool hanging from the ceiling. And the stuff, though it won't come off, is amazingly comfortable. Except the dumbass called me 'Mary Jane' once. That kinda ruined the whole mood." Gojyo makes a face. "And he pulled my hair."  
  
Hakkai makes a few sympathetic clucking noises. "I think I've got it all out. All that I can reach, at least. Now it's sticking to me."  
  
"Sorry 'bout that. I'm still a bit mad he took me for his girlfriend."  
  
"I think it may have been the remnants of Yumiko-san's perfume," Hakkai responds. Yumiko was Gojyo's perfect match. She was not only a half-breed, but had an older sister that was full-blooded. She smoked and fought like a fox. She had a fascination with Gojyo's waist and always had her arm around him.  
  
Gojyo shudders, washing his hands in the kitchen sink. "Don't remind me. Do I really smell that bad?"  
  
Hakkai shakes his head. "Stink of sex now. Take a shower, you."  
  
"Okay, okay," Gojyo responds, putting his hands up in defeat. "I was on my way anyhow."  
  
Hakkai watches him go with a smile and takes his own turn washing his hands. The remnants of spider's web flows down the drain. Hakkai returns to the silence of contemplating his iced tea. He hears Gojyo singing jazz riffs off-key in the shower. He feels the soreness in his arms from constant hangers-on. He waits for someone to appear to talk with him.  
  
Gojyo tumbles out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam some minutes later. Hakkai has finished his glass and is sitting on the couch, idly shuffling a deck of cards. Gojyo nods to him, crosses to the kitchen counter, and grabs the pack of cigarettes designated for him. He lights up and sits on the couch opposite Hakkai.  
  
"How about a card game? No undertones, I promise," Gojyo suggests, grinning around the filter in his teeth.  
  
Hakkai smiles. "Aren't you sick of losing?"  
  
"Hell, out here I might have half a chance," Gojyo points out, waiting for Hakkai to deal. As the familiar game of five-card drones on, Gojyo asks, "All right. I've told you mine. Tell me yours?"  
  
"What are you talking about?" Hakkai asks, setting two cards down and drawing two more.  
  
Gojyo grins. "I call. And name me off the weirdest place you've done a smut fiction. Mine's hanging from the ceiling by a spider-web. That one wins."  
  
Hakkai laughs, far too desensitized to blush at the statement. "Well, I suppose it would have to be...on a rocking horse."  
  
Gojyo raises an eyebrow. "How did you pull that one off?"  
  
Hakkai smiles. "Sanzo's incredible sense of balance. We were in a toyshop and got locked in past closing time. I persuaded him not to shoot the windows out." Hakkai lays a flush down on the table. "Show your hand."  
  
Gojyo grins and sets his hand down. "Four of a kind. Twos, yes, but four of 'em. I _can_ beat you!" They both laugh, though Gojyo's is noticeably louder. "Wow, Hakkai. A fuckin' _rocking horse_. Mind if I ask?"  
  
Hakkai shrugs, responding to the unasked question. "Sanzo got lucky. I'm a whole lot softer than a wooden toy." He smiles wryly. "I was sore for hours." Hakkai deals a new hand and stares stoically at his cards. "Sanzo had to try it on a _real_ horse once, though. I'm glad I just had the inanimate deal."  
  
Gojyo's eyebrows raise almost to his hairline. "Poor animal. And the horse too." He draws another card. "Hello, lovey," he murmurs to his hand. They both hear the click and Gojyo murmurs, "Someone's home."  
  
That someone happens to be Sanzo, followed closely by Goku. The blonde is angrily shaking rice out of his hair. Goku seems to be occupied with flour coating his arms and shoulders. Gojyo snorts at their condition, despite the angry eyes turned his way.  
  
"Pantry," Sanzo offers by way of explanation. "Goku knocked a shelf down. And I think I have splinters in my back."  
  
Goku sighs. "For the fifth time, sorry! At least you weren't floured! All that food around us and I had to concentrate...and I'm so hungry! That was torture." At his last statement, Goku sees the basket of food on the kitchen counter and dives upon it, taking energetic bites of everything he can get his hands on. Sanzo looks hungrily on before swiping a few oranges from under Goku's nose.  
  
The monk demurely scrapes his fingernails under the rind, peeling the fruit and not spilling a drop of juice on himself. He murmurs, "You say that like you had a choice."  
  
Goku pauses in his eating to grin. "Naw, you're still prettier than food, Sanzo-houshii-sama. Just, not by much."  
  
Hakkai hides a smile while Gojyo throws his head back to laugh. Sanzo rolls his eyes and jabs a bit more vehemently at his orange. "Enter the survey, you two," Gojyo prods. "Weirdest place you've done smut. Hakkai called the rocking horse and I've got hanging from a ceiling."  
  
Goku snorts around a mouthful of food. "Uh, top of a bunk bed. You remember that one, right, Gojyo?"  
  
The redhead grins. "Oh yeah. I had to pretend I was asleep on the bottom bunk. Good waste of a half-hour, that." Gojyo turns to Sanzo. "Sorry if everybody else took all the good ones, but you've got to have something to add to the pot."  
  
The blonde pops a sliver of orange into his mouth and chews contemplatively. He normally is not in the mood to play such games, but it maintains certain sanity levels when one is able to laugh at one's ordeals. Sanzo swallows and says, "It was a crossover with Cowboy Bebop. Fucked Faye in zero gravity. Ceiling suspension has nothing on that."  
  
Gojyo whistles low. "Point Sanzo. Wait a minute. Hetero pairing? You on top? That must have been a red-letter day for you."  
  
Sanzo snorts and pitches the empty orange rind onto the counter, digging his fingernails into the next one. "She was annoying as all hell. Had a gambling problem and huge tits. You'd have loved her."  
  
Gojyo grins, rubbing out his cigarette in the ashtray by the sofa. "Not as much as she'd have loved me."  
  
.  
  
Notes:  
  
Iapetus: eff eff dot net sucks for eating reviews like crazy. I love "Kindred Spirits" and "Somewhere I Belong"... Thanks for helping me so much with this and prior chapters of "The Breakroom" - you're invaluable.  
  
Opti-Moose: That thing with subtitles has some promise...I shall definitely think on it!  
  
Crimson1: Aw thanks for the e-cookies, if only in thought. Glad you're giggling.  
  
Unknown-Hitokiri: Of course I read all my reviews! Everybody's important to me, so there. Thanks for the love - it's sent right back! =)  
  
Inuyuki: If you want a good example of a Saiyuki/Inuyasha crossover fic, go read Iapetus' "Kindred Spirits" - that thing had my jaw on the floor all throughout. Glad you like - but...you've got a list of things this fic should detail? Really? Anything I'm missing? =P  
  
GW Katrina: Oh, I blame Iapetus. And then I bow at her feet. We are all guilty of something in this fiction, and nobody can deny that. Even the smallest of typos happens to someone, so don't feel bad. Just keep on laughing =)  
  
Me-Nuriko: Of course I'm referring to that fic. It was one of the first X-parrot fictions I'd ever read and was hooked from the start! Too damn' cute. Glad you still like this.  
  
Karu Leonesse: Don't I know it! I was randomly doodling and a few images (Orb, orb, orb) showed up on the doodle-sheet. _bats eyelashes_ fanart, anyone? Pleeeeease? 


	10. Break the Tenth

A/N: Oh, wow! This is the first fic I've ever written that has gotten reviews that top 100. You guys rock!  
  
Hope I'm still up to par!  
  
.  
  
Somewhere, two mouths smile. Gojyo holds the door open for Sanzo and the blonde murmurs in thanks before entering the apartment. "That was nice," he admits, toeing off his sandals and lighting a cigarette in the kitchen. Hakkai has yet to replace the decimated smoke alarm, and so no warnings shatter the scene.  
  
Gojyo lights a stick of his own, leaning on the counter. "It really was. Not often we get to do that."  
  
There had been a burst of insight that day, a realization that love did not always lead to sex. Gojyo had been portrayed as more complex than his stereotype; Sanzo had been given a touch of humanity he hadn't fully been able to experience. They'd spoken of care and comfort, conveying deep affection without a touch. They'd gone to sleep in separate beds. They'd remained within the comfortable parameters to which their characters could reasonably be stretched.  
  
"So, is that what it's like when you're locked up all alone with Hakkai?" asks Gojyo, not looking at his companion.  
  
Sanzo replies, "At times." And Gojyo smiles indulgently.  
  
Their respite does not last long, for even before either of their cigarettes burn down to the filters, the red light comes on and another sheet of paper shoots into the kitchen. Gojyo retrieves it and skims the summary.  
  
"Oh, damn."  
  
.  
  
Some time later, Gojyo, Sanzo, Goku, and Hakkai stagger exhaustedly into the breakroom. Goku kicks the door shut behind them and helps Hakkai over to a couch. Gojyo and Sanzo collapse on the other one, groaning in discomfort.  
  
"Four in a row!" Goku gripes. "You'd think they'd give at least one of us a break."  
  
Gojyo grins. "It was all worth it for that one with Yaone and Lirin."  
  
Hakkai laughs, shaking his head. Sanzo nudges Gojyo with an admonishing elbow. Hakkai replies, "You forgot how to speak coherently for a good five minutes after that, if I remember correctly."  
  
Gojyo closes his eyes and allows himself to sink into the memory. "Like you weren't pleasantly surprised. Sure, I was a little worried Yaone was going to turn that into a death fiction but the dramatic last kiss was..." Gojyo holds up the 'OK' sign.  
  
Goku laughs, then clutches at his side. "Dammit!" he hisses, and Hakkai sits up with an expression of concern. Goku smiles and waves his hand away, explaining, "That one author squeezed a little hard, is all. No worries; she probably only ruptured something vital."  
  
Sanzo shudders. "Don't mention internal injury."  
  
Gojyo nods. "Worse for mentioning self-inserts! Those are only a shade above the Mary-Sue."  
  
"But a billion times more powerful!" Goku counters, wrapping his arms around himself. "Not only do they control what _we_ do, but they interact with us too! I mean, that's scary."  
  
Hakkai nods. "And often those authors who stoop to self-insert use script format. Grammatical errors. Spelling mistakes. The deaths of hundreds of valiant commas."  
  
"Not to mention our personalities," Sanzo adds, snorting and looking into his lap. Gojyo nudges him with his shoulder.  
  
"Come, now, it could be worse. Laugh it off, everyone. You and me, Sanzo, we had a good morning, didn't we?"  
  
Sanzo nods, his expression relaxing a bit. "Point made. I did find your reaction to Lirin and Yaone pretty amusing. The rest of us were able to keep relatively straight faces."  
  
"It was _written_ that way!" Gojyo responds, indignant. "Goku barely understood what was going on."  
  
Goku frowns. "I _hate_ it when they do that! Or how about the one where I had all that inner turmoil? Me? Angst? If I want something, I take it. Heart on my sleeve, right?"  
  
Gojyo grins. "You got all deep in that one. I think the authors just want to try to turn you into one of us. We've got overactive angst-glands."  
  
Hakkai smiles. "It comes with being liars, I suppose. Goku is far too honest for all of that, though."  
  
Goku nods. "That's right. Stop laughing, you," he adds, glaring at Gojyo. The redhead chuckles a bit more, then gets himself under control. Sanzo rolls his eyes.  
  
Gojyo yawns. "Man, that last one really took it out of me. Choose-Your-Own-Adventure. What a waste of time."  
  
"That one was very complex, too," Hakkai comments, putting his hand on his forehead. "Possibilities numbering in the double digits that kept looping back around. It was quite the headache."  
  
Goku groans. "Don't remind me. I was running for practically all of that thing. Every possibility, I was running. I can't feel my legs!"  
  
Gojyo smiles and pats Sanzo's shoulder. "I feel the worst for this guy because of the ending. All three of them."  
  
Sanzo shakes his head as if trying to clear the memory from his mind. "Why is it I'm the one who's always whored off to the rest of you? And all three of those tattoos _hurt_." Sanzo rubs the small of his back. "At least none of you have names like Dokugakuji."  
  
Gojyo winces in sympathy. "Putting _that_ in your skin would take your entire back."  
  
Sanzo snorts. "Didn't hurt all that much at the time though. I'm getting residual pain from author stupidity."  
  
Goku raises his eyebrows. "They didn't realize putting needles in your skin would be painful?" Sanzo shakes his head and Goku frowns. "Typical."  
  
Hakkai laughs. "It often comes in handy, though. Broken ribs heal in a week, arrows to the torso never pierce anything important, and I'm the best healer in the world. My job would be made much harder if writers had an idea of anatomy and pain thresholds."  
  
Gojyo grins. "Down, not across."  
  
"Bad joke. You were talking about crossword puzzles, got that?" Goku says, and makes a bit of a face. "But that does happen to remind me of a rather humorous, if deadly, spelling error. Lirin craved to see my face again, except, well, she 'carved' my presence more. That girl is frightening with a knife. I began to feel like a pumpkin two days before Halloween."  
  
Gojyo chuckles. "I'll call you 'Jack' for weeks." He sits forward and arches his back, stretching out his shoulders. "Did I get married today? I forget."  
  
"No, dear, that was yesterday." Hakkai rubs his chin. "How _is_ married life, by the by?"  
  
"Haven't heard from her since the ceremony. You guys seemed to be pretty okay with it, too," Gojyo comments. "Was she really that easy to overlook?"  
  
Goku crosses his eyes. "Shoot her. Shoot her _now_. Like the group wasn't going to change because you - Gojyo, of all people! - got married."  
  
"Come now," Hakkai chides mockingly. "We as a group should not change simply because there is suddenly another person we must accommodate and understand. It didn't hurt that she was _everywhere_ and we had many opportunities to get used to her."  
  
"Pick a better girlfriend next time," Sanzo orders, rolling his head to look at Gojyo. "You were so doe-eyed I actually hesitated with the trigger."  
  
"Well 'Nonattachment' just went out the window," Hakkai comments, and Goku giggles.   
  
Gojyo rolls one of his arms, massaging the shoulder. "Aw, Goku, I thought you liked her orbs. She had nice eyes, too." The redhead winks and Goku laughs harder.  
  
.  
  
Notes: Cien! Cien! Cien! Woo!  
  
Elf Asato: The Peter Parker/Gojyo fic came about from a gigantic gigglefit my friends and I had after watching "Spiderman 2" involving Peter, Mary Jane, and a bit of a problem with premature firing. ...Of _web_ and nothing else. No, really!  
  
Iapetus: Blush on, love! Recognition is a-aaall yours! (Hey, everybody else! Read IAPETUS' fictions!!)  
  
D-Chan: The majority of the weird smut places were either taken from other fandoms (which I owe to a brainstorming session with Iapetus the evening before) or my own twisted imagination. The Spiderman thing and the rocking horse were all me. I'm so sick. Don't worry about reviewing 'properly', whatever the protocol for that is. I wasn't aware there was one. And no, I don't think I'll write a chapter on that. Headache city! XD  
  
OptiMoose: I fear you're right. Fic inundation is a bit of a problem. The poor boys are getting overworked. Eh heh...  
  
Inuyuki: You have promise, but if _any_ of your ideas match _any_ subject covered in "The Breakroom", rest assured the fiction will not be received as warmly as you hope. The whole reason I'm writing this is to make fun of the things people are sick of reading about. A few things, like AU's and crossovers, can be done reasonably well if the right amount of intelligence is used, but others should resolutely be dropped into the can.  
  
Crimson1: The Spiderman thing is all my fault. I may go to hell for it. But I won't apologize for the mental image - it's just too good to let go! The FayexGojyo idea was kind of a brainspark that spontaneously combusted. I'd never really thought about it, but now that I do, they could definitely have a hell of a fling.  
  
Me-Nuriko: Glad I make you happy =) The whole not-touching-one-another orgasm is definitely a strange concept, one I'm sure at least a fiction Gojyo would love to master...quite interesting.  
  
Mezi: Let me out! I can't breathe in here! And...your pocket lint is unbelievable! Honestly, though, 'Mom' is Minekura, the creator of 'em all. I mean, Kanzeon isn't 'Mom' material anyhow. I can't see it. Oh, wait, if I squint it kinda works...  
  
Sussi: It may be just you ;) Glad you're enjoying it!  
  
Cho Mizuki: Nice to meet you! Sadly, I think you're around review 103, due to ff dot net and the weird way reviews show up that isn't quite chronological. I think suggestion #3 will leave me twitching for a while. Oh, dear... 


	11. Break the Eleventh

A/N: As has been pointed out, the last chapter lacked rather sorely in both description and sentence variety. As the author of this fic, I committed quite a heinous sin right there. But you know what? Pbth! Anywho, enjoy chapter eleven - the palindrome chapter! Any and all fictional references aren't mine! The boys are just prone to quoting literature. Har. And yes, before you even ask, Goku is dealing with a **_major wedgie_**. (If some of you weren't reading the author's notes, I figured that'd get your attention!) Some of you might not know the phrase Gojyo uses, so I figured I'd clear it up right here. N-joi.  
  
.  
  
Somewhere, there is far too much fabric for personal comfort. Goku glances around and, seeing none of his companions, remedies the problem. There comes a soft chuckle from the direction of the bedrooms.  
  
"Going to the movies?" Gojyo asks, nudging Goku on his way past. Goku rolls his eyes.  
  
"Leather pants. Again," he explains.   
  
Gojyo leans into the fridge and comes out with a carton of milk. "This early in the morning? And you had underwear on? My sympathies." He takes a swig straight from the carton, ignoring the disgusted face Goku makes.  
  
Goku sighs and leans against the far side of the kitchen counter, watching Gojyo fix breakfast for himself. "How come _you_ get to sleep in?"  
  
Gojyo shrugs easily, taking a bite out of a slice of toast. "It was my turn, I s'pose. Why? How many have you gotten through today?"  
  
"Two already," is the answer. Goku smacks his own forehead. "One was a real teenybop sort of idiot, too. Typed oh-em-gee as part of dialogue." Gojyo crosses his eyes and Goku grins at him, continuing, "I kinda stumbled over that bit. Got confused, you know? It came out as 'Ahmmguh.'" Goku has the satisfaction of watching Gojyo snort his toast.  
  
They both look expectantly toward the door when they hear the lock click back. Sanzo and Hakkai enter, and the looks on both of them cause Gojyo and Goku to double over in fits of laughter. Sanzo, ever effeminate, is decked out in four different animal prints, all 100% spandex. His hair is mussed and glittery, and he wears dark eye makeup as well as a touch of gloss over his lips. There is a red leather collar about his neck. Hakkai is holding the leash in one bedecked hand. Every inch of Hakkai either sports expensive furs or glittering jewels, and the man wears a ridiculously-oversized hat with a long, purple plume sprouting from the band.  
  
The mild and gentle man smiles helplessly, managing to squeak out, "I'm a pimp."  
  
Goku recovers first, though not by much. "Are you two stuck again? My, Sanzo, that's awful fetching on you."  
  
The blonde snarls, fist raised to deal a blow. He stops when Goku kisses his gloss-smeared lips and his costume disappears in favor of his usual robes. Gojyo grins and does the same for Hakkai, though not before playfully messing with the plume on the man's hat.  
  
When Gojyo pulls back, Hakkai regards him analytically. "You drank milk right from the carton, didn't you?"  
  
Gojyo laughs. "Hardly romantic. You owe me."  
  
"I'll let it slide, then." Gojyo and Goku exchange a _How did he know?_ look. Hakkai, without looking at either of them, explains, "There's no glass in the sink. Far be it for Gojyo to use the dishwasher, and he tastes like milk. Elementary, my dear Watson."  
  
Gojyo grins and brushes past Hakkai on the way to the bathroom. "Fine, fine, I'm brushing my teeth."  
  
Sanzo is nearest the counter when the light comes on. He pauses mid-sip of coffee and catches the paper in one hand. He pulls a pair of reading glasses from the drawer by the sink and skims the assignment. "Oh, by the way," he murmurs conversationally, "Hell's frozen over."  
  
"Lemme see!" Goku cries, snatching the paper from Sanzo's relaxed fingers. The look in his eyes is one of both horror and extreme curiosity. "Guys, we gotta go. Um. Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama...is having a baby."  
  
.  
  
The day ends, insofar as the four are afforded a long enough break. Sanzo is first through the door, rummaging in the refrigerator for the ingredients to make a sandwich. Goku follows him in hopes of making something similar. Hakkai and Gojyo come a few minutes later, though their steps are hesitant.  
  
"Uh, guys?" Gojyo calls, sheepishly rubbing the brilliant, beautiful fur on his left arm. "We got stuck."  
  
Hakkai looks utterly despondent. "Twice in one day. This must be a record."  
  
Sanzo and Goku stare for a few moments, shocked into stillness at the image before them. Gojyo and Hakkai have both sprouted fur that ranges from the backs of their forearms to their shoulders, culminating in thick, wild manes. From their lower backs hang two magnificent tails, each tipped in a complementary color. They each sport a set of fox ears and their lower bodies have been molded into the hind legs of oversized wolves. Gojyo sports a foreboding set of fangs; Hakkai possesses sharp claws. Neither are clothed beyond Gojyo's blue bandanna and Hakkai's monocle, but their excessive body hair acts as a censor for anything below the navel area.  
  
"This is new," comments Goku, before reaching up and planting a kiss on Gojyo's mouth. The redhead suddenly, violently reverts to normal form, nearly falling over after losing a few inches and multiple pounds of fur. Sanzo comes to Hakkai's aid, running his hands once through Hakkai's mane and catching him as he returns to normal.  
  
"Thanks," says Hakkai, forcing himself upright. "Excuse me while I grow accustomed to not having to compensate for a tail."  
  
"What the hell kind of fiction was _that_?" Goku demands of Gojyo.  
  
The redhead shrugs helplessly. "We just...were. Lived in a forest, ate berries, drank from a stream, were furry. I'm starving."  
  
"I'll cook something," Hakkai suggests, and Sanzo begins to put away the few things he gathered to make a sandwich. "It'll help us all to relax," adds Hakkai, taking over the kitchen. "Who will begin the venting session?"  
  
Goku's hand shoots into the air. "Ooh, me!" he cries sarcastically. "I had one of the best days ever, yes I did! I got paired with, now wait for it, _me_! That's right. Aside from obvious masturbation jokes, man, he's five hundred years younger than I am! That's gotta be statutory no matter where you are."  
  
Gojyo snorts, still rubbing his arms to ensure the hair is gone. He joins Sanzo in leaning against the far side of the kitchen counter. "That's better than my sudden urge to be hairy."  
  
"I thought that's what being a pervert was all about," Sanzo comments, shooting a wry look at the man next to him.  
  
Gojyo grins a bit. "Point made. And yet. We took that wonderful little trip to Middle Earth and everything was great and all, but...a dwarf? They made me a _dwarf_?! That's maybe a suit of armor and fifty pounds of hair above a garden gnome."  
  
"Oh, Gojyo, it wasn't all that bad," says Hakkai from the stove.  
  
"Says one of the two of us who got to be an elf," Gojyo counters, running a hand through his hair. "You and Sanzo had it pretty nice."  
  
"Yeah, well, I was the hobbit," Goku cuts in. "Barefoot _and_ furry." He takes a moment to shudder. "And that Frodo guy? Nutjob!"  
  
Sanzo raises an eyebrow. "Carrying an item coveted by everyone around you can take its toll on a person." Goku shuts up. Hakkai dips his finger into the pan, sucks on it, and contemplatively goes for the spice rack.  
  
In an effort to spur on conversation, Hakkai goads, "Any good romantic drivel?"  
  
"Only every day," responds Goku with a laugh. "And such melodrama. I think I had around six monologues about the sun, a few about honesty, some on brotherhood and friendship..."  
  
"Ooh, honesty," Gojyo comments, cutting him off. "I got a fun one. I was talking about all the lies I'd tasted, waiting for the truth. So. What do lies taste like?"  
  
"Up, Down, Sideways, Sex Appeal, and Peppermint," comes the immediate response. Sanzo shares a small smile with Hakkai before adding, "Never mind, that's something completely different."  
  
Goku and Gojyo glance at one another again, give up on pursuing Sanzo's comment, and Goku responds, "Mm. Cherry lies. Probably depends on what the lie's about."  
  
Gojyo grins. "Cherry lies. Sounds like a candy brand. Or some sort of rock group."  
  
"Careful," admonishes Hakkai, "or you'll be doing song fictions by Cherry Lies for the next few months."  
  
"It's better than Michael Bolton," Gojyo responds, crossing his eyes. "Tell me, how _am_ I supposed to live without you?"  
  
"Ouch." Goku takes a deep breath. "Man, that smells good."  
  
Hakkai smiles and replies, "It's almost ready."  
  
"Boys, I think I'm having an identity crisis," says Gojyo, dramatically throwing his hands over his eyes. "I'm not sure if I'm gee-oh-jay-why-oh Gojyo, gee-oh-jay-oh-you Gojou, ess-ay Sa Gojou, ess-aytch-ay Sha Gojyo, or even perhaps Gojyo Sha!"  
  
Sanzo shakes his head. "Every once in a while they'll throw a 'u' or 'y' into my name. Sometimes two."  
  
"Yeah!" says Gojyo. "I wish they'd all make up their minds about it, you know?"  
  
Goku grimaces. "You talk about your errant letters. I caught my name one time with -three- 'u's in it. Gee-oh-you-kay-you-you. Goukuu."  
  
"I think that one was a spelling error. That word would have two stressed syllables," comments Hakkai. "Would someone please help me get some plates and silverware?"  
  
"No problem!" says Goku, eager to help if it will speed the meal's arrival.   
  
Hakkai smiles at Goku. "I don't think I've ever been subject to spelling problems," he comments, "except in the case of Gonou and Kanan. Those two are changed quite a bit. My only confusion comes when I am Hakkai Cho. I feel that would be a terrible first name for any child."  
  
Gojyo grins. "Pigsy. And you're so thin, too. Maybe Goku should have been the pig."  
  
"Very funny. At least pigs are smarter than cockroaches, huh Hakkai?" Goku counters, setting the plates out on the counter.  
  
Before Gojyo can get another word in, Sanzo clears his throat. They all are exhausted from the day's work and Sanzo is in no mood to waste energy shutting his roommates up. This quiet signal has long since been recognized as the monk's plea for quiet. Hakkai smiles gently and soon there are four steaming plates of food ready for consumption. They eat standing up, huddled around the kitchen counter and concentrating on their food in a blessed moment of peace and quiet.  
  
Gojyo gets out of helping Hakkai with the dishes when the light comes on a few minutes later.  
  
.  
  
Notes: Anybody who knows the reference I made with Sanzo's suggestion of flavors for lies is ULTRASHIBBY! I just want to see who knows. XP  
  
Everybody who read/reviewed 'Feverish': Glad you enjoyed. I really did have a dream about the quest for the perfect pancake, and I really do go outside in snowy weather with shorts on. I couldn't waste the inspiration.  
  
Elf Asato: Going back and looking at the last chapter, I agree totally with you. I was distracted when I wrote it, to be honest, and I realize now it's pretty bland. Ah, well. I'm still insanely prolific so the quick updates make up for it, ne? Ri-iiight?  
  
Flamingolo: Another blue-orbed baby! Glad to meet you. Thanks for the Pocky - I'm so addicted to that stuff. Commas _are_ valiant, and so often misused. I mourn the deaths of so many vibrant punctuation marks...  
  
D-Chan: Heh, a lot of people are guilty of angsting Goku up, maturing him to the point where he's suddenly filled with turmoil. I guess it's a logical succession, but I never felt that Goku was all that logical to begin with. Anywho, my mental image of the angst-gland chart was not only amusing but, oddly enough, sported...Gojyo as the one manning the overhead projector. I'm quite sure the Angst Gland is far, far northward of the Raging Hormone Gland, though. By at least two feet in a male of average height. XD  
  
OptiMoose: I wasn't able to use all of your suggestions in just one chapter, but I'm working on them! You make me giggle so hard. Eh-heh, my author's notes are long, but not _that_ long! ... yet. And...dearie me, that's not a lot of legroom, is it? I've seen some fics where Jeep may as well be cavernous...hm, there's a thought right there. Thanks for the trivia =)  
  
Me-Nuriko: So glad Choose-Your-Owns were banned. They are _so_ annoying. And, well, because Gojyo's marriage-fic never went past the marriage chapter, he never has to look at the girl again, he can move on to other fictions, and he doesn't have to mess with a divorce! Pretty neat set-up, ne? (I'm so laaazy...)  
  
Nightfall Rising: XP No paranoia! I'm guilty of a lot of this too - easy, gentle fun to be had with it. We all exasperate the boys. I think Sanzo's mellow because he's so freakin' exhausted. There are definitely different functioning parameters in the Breakroom than there are for fictions, just because the boys are so grateful to see one another out of a fiction that cameraderie comes easier. Most of my ideas do, sadly enough, come from slogging (as you put it) through our wonderful little section of the internet. But such is the price I pay for being able to write this...I shall persevere! And heck, it's not so depressing so long as I get to make fun of it, you know?  
  
Joonie: And here, just for you, is yet ANOTHER chapter! I think I'm overly productive and have wa-ay too much free time. Whee. 


	12. Break the Twelfth

A/N: None of it is mine. Palahniuk owns what Minekura doesn't.   
  
I have noticed as of late that my request for idea submissions has the potential to turn into a lynching board. Please understand that the creation and perpetuation of this fiction was meant to poke fun at common mistakes we all have made at one point or another in our lifetimes. When I started writing four years ago, I dealt solely in original fiction and most characters were either Mary-Sue-esque or in awe of such characters. I had a bad concept of grammar and no dramatic timing whatsoever. Everybody has to go through these phases before they can become accomplished, coherent, powerful writers. I'm still working on bettering myself, and other people who post here are on the same path. Looking back, I realize what utter crap I wrote. I refuse to let anyone else read them now, but at the time of their creation I couldn't have been more proud. At that point in my life, it was the best I could do. With that in mind, any person who submits a fiction to be berated without the author's permission or knowledge will be stolidly and steadfastly ignored. Everything I have used thus far is either a generalization or straight from the recesses of my own twisted mind. The only specific examples used are done so with express author permission, and that is how it's going to stay.  
  
That said, please continue to enjoy "The Breakroom" in a jovial, understanding, and gentle light. I don't want to hurt anyone, but only vent my own meager opinions and frustrations through this anonymous medium.  
  
So. Enough with the heavy stuff, and on to chapter twelve! Hakuryuu spoilers abound! Hope you have a good time, folks!  
  
.  
  
Somewhere, there is a gentle rustle of turning pages. Text upon text is stuffed into a small, wooden cabinet. More books rest upon it and its identical twin. These cabinets reside on either side of a soft bed swathed in pristine white sheets. The bed is laden with stiff, full pillows at the head, propped against the wooden headboard three deep. A reading lamp stretches over the bed, secured to the wall just over the headboard. The bed faces an encompassing closet, half-filled with neatly-shelved clothing. The other half houses yet more books.  
  
Hakkai leans against the pillows on his bed, sitting cross-legged on his forest green bedspread. He reads in silence, pausing occasionally to reread a passage that merits a second thought. He wets his thumb against his tongue and separates two stubborn pages, careful not to touch or smudge the text. His usual, placid expression is replaced by raw emotion in reaction to the words on the page. Hakkai is clearly appalled, enthralled, and unsure whether or not to take offense.  
  
Two jaunty raps at his doorframe alert him to Gojyo's presence. He looks up and smiles at the redhead, holding the book open in his lap. "Can I help you?"  
  
Gojyo leans against the doorframe and squints down at the text. "What's that?"  
  
"Oh, I'm reading some popular material, just to ensure I'm not surprised during one of our next crossovers," Hakkai explains, canting his head slightly to the side. "It certainly gives one perspective on the world outside. I think perhaps you might like this one."  
  
"What's it called?" asks Gojyo, though both he and Hakkai know he will probably never pick it up.  
  
Hakkai turns the book so Gojyo can see the cover. "'Fight Club'. Sanzo actually recommended it to me after picking up the movie on his television. Although, I must confess, I am amazed anyone would be able to capture this on film."  
  
"Interesting title," Gojyo comments. "So. You've got the library, he's got the television, I've got the stereo. What's left to Goku?"  
  
Hakkai laughs. "He made me promise not to tell you about it."  
  
Gojyo raises his eyebrows, but knows pushing the matter with Hakkai will get him sixteen shades of frustrated and absolutely nowhere. "Right. Hey, if you want me to leave you alone it's cool. I was just bored."  
  
Hakkai glances down to the book in his lap, snatches a bookmark from the cabinet beside his bed, and marks his place. "Far be it for me not to keep you company, then. I was beginning to lose feeling in my legs anyway."  
  
Gojyo smiles and grabs Hakkai's hand. "We dance, then! Come on, hooray for nervous energy." With that, Gojyo leads a disbelieving Hakkai into the hallway, doing a strange little two-step all the while. After a few moments, Hakkai begins to laugh and joins in the dance. The two don't even touch, but walk in rhythm to their own breathing. Gojyo's boots hit the tile of the kitchen and thud out a beat, even as his belt loop catches on one of the doorknobs protruding from the cabinets. The sound of straining fabric echoes through the kitchen, and Gojyo stops with a guilty grin. His pants are not ripped, but come close.  
  
Hakkai, breathless from dance and laughter, suggests, "Perhaps we should stop. I mean, who knows what might happen to the rest of your clothes the next time?"  
  
Before Gojyo can shoot back a witty retort about the staying power of his clothes, the door swings open and Goku limps inside. "You didn't have to use the yardstick!" he whines, rubbing his rear end.  
  
Sanzo closes the door behind him, his hand on his hip. He looks utterly disaffected, muttering, "Quit your complaining."  
  
Goku turns big, baleful eyes on him. "But Genjo-Sensei! I wasn't even being a bad student! I paid attention in class and _everything_!"  
  
Gojyo snorts loudly, and Hakkai laughs behind his hand. As Goku becomes more and more used to racy fictions with his elder companions, he has adopted a sense of humor about the ordeals that at times can put Gojyo to shame. Sanzo clenches his fists, but relaxes them enough to rub tiredly at his forehead. "That was exactly the problem."  
  
"Hot for teacher?" asks Gojyo, and Goku nods. "What were you teaching, Genjo-Sensei?"  
  
Sanzo mutters something that they can't hear. Goku bites his tongue and Gojyo asks for him to repeat himself. Sanzo growls and grinds out, "Health education."  
  
Goku grins. "And by that, he means the three N's. Nutrition, Narcotics, and Nookie. More or less." For that, Sanzo cuffs him upside the head with the heel of his hand. Goku rubs at the sore spot but laughs nonetheless. "Good fiction to end the day on, I think."  
  
"I would have liked to have seen the assignments turned in at the end of that period," Hakkai comments, smiling at Goku. "At least Sanzo doesn't have to grade them."  
  
Sanzo shrugs. "They had good coffee in the teacher's lounge."  
  
"Speaking of that," Hakkai says, rubbing the back of his head, "Gojyo and I ended the day at dinner. We've eaten our fills. Are you two hungry?"  
  
Goku rubs his stomach. "Not more than usual. Man, you guys got to eat?"  
  
Gojyo rolls his eyes. "We had our own prices to pay for it, you know. Self-censoring, for one. Know what I want to know? How the %&! do I pronounce "$#!"?"  
  
"Um. Very, very carefully?" suggests Goku. "You ought to be good at it by now, though! I mean, what with all those original characters that have more punctuation than letters in their names. I'm still confused as to what an apostrophe is supposed to sound like."  
  
Hakkai smiles. "I think we all flub those as best we can. Back to the matter at hand. Would you like it if I made you two something to eat?"  
  
Sanzo holds up his hand. "I'm fine, thanks. The author oh-so-thoughtfully packed me a lunch. I don't want to look at anything remotely tuna-based for a while." He leaves in search of painkillers.  
  
Goku, however, is hopping with joy at Hakkai's suggestion. The brunette laughs. "I'll make chicken, then. Could you get the apron for me, please, Goku?"  
  
"Sure! I'll help with whatever you need," says Goku, and brushes past Gojyo to get at the pantry. "That means all cockroaches have to get out of the kitchen!" he cries, and pushes at the redhead to get out of his way.  
  
Gojyo rubs his knuckles into Goku's scalp, but obeys. "Sick of red eyes, huh, Goku?" he teases.  
  
The boy sticks his tongue out. "Ulgh, don't remind me! I think Hakuryuu needs a day off."  
  
Hakkai takes the apron from Goku with a disgusted expression on his face. "I understand Hakuryuu was vaguely humanoid in a past life, but honestly. My lover? Your secret admirer?"  
  
Shaking his head to dramatically clear the mental images, Goku says, "Two bestiality fictions in one day. Let's not go for a new record, please."  
  
"Speaking of disturbing, anybody else find switching roles with Kougaiji and everybody a little disconcerting?" asks Gojyo, effectively changing the subject. "That was one of the strangest mornings I've ever had."  
  
Sanzo returns upon this comment and says, "Ch. All that wasted opportunity. They didn't even do it _right_."  
  
Hakkai nods, rinsing a knife in the sink and shoving it into the drying rack. "The characterization was deplorable, too. However, I rather liked the underlying message with that chess-pawn metaphor."  
  
"Yeah," agrees Goku. "Universal situations and all of that. And probably some of the characterization was lost because we completely jumped circumstances. Gojyo's nothing like Jien but he had to be that for Sanzo. Which is normally your job," Goku concludes, pointing at Hakkai. "Is it done yet?"  
  
Hakkai laughs. "Give it another minute. Pink insides aren't good with poultry."  
  
"Or Mary-Sues," retorts Gojyo with a grin. "Did you see that one? She bled rainbows. Psychedelic-like."  
  
Sanzo shrugs. "She wasn't indestructible. That in and of itself is remarkable." He leans against the kitchen counter next to Goku. "That smells good. You're sharing."  
  
"Hey, you turned Hakkai down!" cries Goku.  
  
Hakkai laughs and responds, "How many times have you eaten half of what's on his plate, Goku?"  
  
Gojyo ruffles Goku's hair and says, "Yeah! You owe him like crazy. A few bites won't kill you to share, will they?"  
  
"Only if I've got to share them with you, Gojyo," retorts Goku with the sweetest of smiles. Gojyo cries out in indignance and playfulness, and soon he and Goku are wrestling on the floor.  
  
Hakkai empties the pan onto a plate and sets out two sets of utensils. Sanzo spears a piece of chicken on his fork and the two settle in to watch the show. "Do you think I should stop them?" asks Hakkai.  
  
"No," responds Sanzo, a little quickly. "He'll come when he's ready. Give me an uninterrupted minute here."  
  
So Hakkai smiles and lapses into silence, watching Gojyo inadvertently distract Goku.  
  
.  
  
Notes: My author's notes were _really_ long at the beginning of this chapter. Sorry I'm so chatty this evening! For everybody who doesn't know, the reference I made last chapter was from Terry Pratchett's "Discworld" series, and Up, Down, Sideways, Sex Appeal, and Peppermint are the five components of the thaum, the base unit of magic.  
  
OptiMoose: So guilty of fanon characterisation. SO guilty. Kill me now. Lol, interactive? Me? Ri-ight, that's what we'll call it!  
  
Alex: Wow, going all scientific on me there! As for Pigsy, 'Cho' actually means something along the lines of pig. In the original legend, Hakkai was overweight, and that coupled with his surname earned him the nickname 'Pigsy'. So say the Cultural Notes on my DVD!  
  
Shelley: Well, people certainly are taking notice of the fiction, so hopefully it _will_ do a little good in the fandom world, ne? One can only hope!  
  
=) (the reviewer whose name consists of symbols not recognized by QuickEdit): That is one of the most irksome things about fiction to date. I've been itching to shove it into a chapter, so rest assured it'll show up soon!  
  
Flamingolo: Yay! Pocky!! I tried to think of the most incongruous thing to make Hakkai, and a pimp came to mind. Glad it gave you a giggle =)  
  
Cho Mizuki: I think the concepts of "Hakkai" and "spontaneously combust" will give me gigglefits for days to come. I'm on it!  
  
Sparrow: Such melodrama, love, you gotta relax. Glad you're enjoying Breakroom, though - the Love At First Sight idea definitely inspires!  
  
Me-Nuriko: Heh, always good to have a beta to keep you in check! As for my spellings of the boys' names, well, they were the first ones I came upon. I assume it's much the same for my fellow writers, correct form or not. And, really, I just prefer the look of 'Gojyo'...I dunno, the y is cuter. That's me being weird XD  
  
Firezia: Ammguh! Glad you're enjoying it - nice to meet you!  
  
Nightfall Rising: I now officially love you. Pratchett rules, indeed! I know the trolls counting (Sound off! Many! Lots!) comes from "Night Watch" ... but the flavors of the thaum probably comes from a book involving Rincewind. Maybe "The Last Continent"? I don't know, I need to reread all my Discworld books anyway. Heeh. Anyway, yes, I rather like writing about Hakkai cooking. It just seems to suit him so well, so I'm glad he's good at it and Goku asks for it! Oh, and as for Kanzeon's baby, I'd give anything NOT to be present at that birth...eeew.  
  
Crimson1: !! Poor Cho Chang! Wow, I didn't even think of that. How sad. Eek. Lol. And, well, just _knowing_ about the milk seems so like Hakkai I couldn't resist. =) 


	13. Friday

A/N: Ah, my favorite chapter. Everybody who liked chapter six may just kill me for this one.

QuickEdit sucks big hairy smarmy weasel balls.  
  
Note: August 7, 2004...that's right, this coming Saturday...is the one year anniversary of my joining fanfiction dot net! Hooray! I choose to note this momentous occasion two days early because I'm updating something on the seventh already. And it's _not this_. You've waited two months on that one, you can wait two days more. Anyhow, enjoy chapter thirteen of "The Breakroom" and my notes to you all are at the end of the chapter!  
  
Real quick: all characters not owned by Minekura are utterly, completely mine. I was a screwed-up little eighth grader so many years ago when they starred in their own fictions. Not all at once, thank benevolence. You will also see some elements that have been explored in other fictions. I couldn't help myself.  
.

Somewhere, there is a glitch. Their beautiful, gemstone-colored eyes flitter from door to door. One, exceptionally well-endowed and encased fully in black leather, dangles a keyring from well-manicured fingers. Another, her hips gliding gracefully as she maneuvers in stiletto heels, pushes a cart laden with cleaning supplies. The third slides her glasses up on her adorable, freckled, button nose, clutching her arms about her breasts and looking about her in apprehension.  
  
"Zoeii Sy," she whispers, tucking a lock of flowing, blonde hair behind her ear, "Should we really be _doing_ this?"  
  
The one pushing the cart grins impishly, flashing row upon row of pearly, perfect teeth. "The rooms need to be cleaned, don't they?" She beeps the nose of the girl beside her. "If we happen to carry something out due to...static cling...we can't honestly be held responsible. We've come this far, haven't we?"  
  
"Listen to Zoeii, dear," purrs the third, far more woman than girl. "She knows what she's talking about. Ah, here we are," she pulls the correct key from the keyring and slides it into the lock. A strand of wavy, fire-red hair looses itself from her meticulously-twirled braid and tangles with her eyelashes.  
  
The apprehensive one tries one last time to dissuade her companions. "Zoeii, Carman, _please_."  
  
"Please yourself," Zoeii replies, winking one amaranthine eye and shoving the cart inside. Her breath catches in her throat as she breathes deep of the luxurious scents that meet her.  
  
Carman grins like a predator. "Smells like men." She turns to her compatriots and says, "I call the bedrooms."  
  
"No fair!" Zoeii cries, pointing a finger at Carman. "We split those evenly. Whoever gets two bedrooms also has bathroom duty."  
  
"I'll...clean the kitchen?" suggests the blonde softly. Her name is Shannon, she is modestly built in comparison to her companions, and she is having definite misgivings about having come this far. Her sensible sneakers squeak on the linoleum floor. She empties a few ashtrays into the sink while Zoeii and Carman argue about who should clean which bedroom.  
  
Shannon has to admit the two of them look utterly comical, fighting with one another. Carman is tall, robust, beautiful, and domineering. She is in possession of a killer set of curves and puts Shannon in mind of someone who has to sleep in a back brace. Zoeii, petite and energetic, appears to be the hybrid of a blonde girl and a pink chrysanthemum in process of exploding. From the neck up, at least. Below the collarbone, her skin is flawless and home to an athletic, voluptuous body with the reflexes of a cat. A golden tail is wrapped about her lovely waist, masquerading as a furred belt. Shannon lets them fight amongst themselves, settling into cleaning the countertops and stove. The kitchen, she muses, must definitely be under Hakkai's domain.  
  
"You can clean _both_ Sanzo and Hakkai's rooms so long as I can have Gojyo's!" Zoeii declares.  
  
Carman shakes her head. "I don't see myself scrubbing toilets. You take Gojyo and Hakkai, share the spoils, and I'll get the living room."  
  
"But that's too easy!" responds Zoeii. "And what do you mean _share_?"  
  
Shannon, long since finished with the kitchen and ready to finish her job already, cuts in. "Look. I'll do the living room and bathroom if you two will just get to work on the bedrooms. All right?"  
  
Carman and Zoeii turn to her with looks of absolute glee. Both plant kisses on her cheeks and leave in rushes of musky perfume. Shannon shakes her head and smiles, collecting ashtrays and emptying them into the garbage.  
  
Carman claims Sanzo's bedroom as Zoeii dives into Gojyo's. It is agreed that, because two of the men are neat-freaks and the others are slobs, Zoeii would be allowed to clean up after Hakkai. Rather than clean, however, it seems the girls are totally engrossed in digging through cupboards and cabinets.  
  
"Check it out! He likes the same music I do!" cries Zoeii from her place hip-deep in Gojyo's CD collection.  
  
"That's nothing," replies an obviously-pleased Carman. "I found Sanzo's underwear drawer."  
  
With that, Zoeii charts her own course for Gojyo's closet. She comes upon a dark green button-down shirt and can't help but yank it from the hanger she is quite sure Hakkai put it on. With a quick-but-cute flourish, she slips her arms into the cool, clean fabric and is pleased to see it matches her tank top and skirt perfectly. Insofar as bright pink can match dark green, but the power of knowing the shirt is Gojyo's leaves her conveniently colorblind.  
  
The entire room shudders.  
  
Shannon comes running, and she nearly smacks into Carman on their way to Gojyo's room. "What was that?" Shannon cries, her arms still coated to the elbow in latex glove. Zoeii, in the process of buttoning Gojyo's shirt over her own clothes, shrugs helplessly. The room shudders again, and the door slams shut. The walls drop away, leaving only reinforced steel bars in their place. The three girls clutch ineffectually at the bars, looking around wildly in both guilt and terror. There are other such cages, interspersed as evenly as the doors in the hallway.  
  
"Zoeii Sy!" one of the other captives cries, reaching her arms out through the bars. "Sis, what's going on?"  
  
Zoeii thrusts her arm toward her sister, though there is no way they can get to one another. "I have no idea, Chloe! We were cleaning the apartment and then..."  
  
"Same with us!" replies Chloe. "I was getting rid of the dust bunnies under Zenon-san's bed, just happened to come upon some magazines..."  
  
Chloe is cut off by an earsplitting screech of reverb. The girls, as one, turn to the sky. Above them, against the whiteness of a gigantic storeroom, is a platform. The figures upon this platform send hearts rocketing to record paces in fluttering chests. A few of the girls swoon.  
  
Goku grips the guardrail on the suspended platform, staring down at cage after cage of fangirls. "How...how did they get in?" he whispers to the man at his elbow.  
  
Homura watches the cages with an expressionless demeanor. "Our rooms must be cleaned. The maids have been lax in security."  
  
Goku returns to the guardrail and stares down at the crowd beneath him. Hakkai prevents Sanzo from smashing the megaphone as the second bout of reverb shatters the air. With a gentle smile, the brunette takes the device from the monk and says, "Hello, there! It seems you all have been caught with your hands in the cookie jar, so to speak. Your crimes were hitherto unheard of, and thus no punishments have really been devised. However, we are all inventive people," he explains, gesturing happily to his companions. "Thus, your punishment runs as such: You will first return any and all items you were planning to retrieve from our rooms. Second, you shall remain in those cages until we are thoroughly tired of you."  
  
"Won't take long," mutters Sanzo, and Kougaiji nods in agreement and disgust.  
  
"Third, we are going to...partake in...well..." Hakkai pauses a moment, looking utterly hopeless. He smiles at Gojyo, who grabs the megaphone with a leery grin.  
  
"We're going behind a partition to do very nasty things to one another. And we're not letting you see."  
  
The discordant wail of anguish from below is reward enough. Goku's eyes, however, have grown round as dinner plates. He nudges Homura as they walk away from the cages.  
  
"Yes?" Homura responds, quirking one perfect eyebrow.  
  
"Gojyo's joking, right?" Goku can't help but sound extremely confused. Homura grins down at him and, in response, runs a hand through Goku's hair. Goku's jaw drops, and before he can cry out in any form whatsoever, the clang of metal on concrete echoes through their ears.  
  
Sanzo swears. "Should have kept your mouth shut, stupid pervert," he hisses at Gojyo.  
  
"They can't possibly break out of those things," Doku mutters before his brother can register the comment and show indignance. "Solid steel."  
  
Hakkai laughs uncertainly. "Never underestimate the power of an author in her element." And with these portentous words, there rises a cheer from the multitudes below.  
  
"Well, they can't get up this high," Doku says, holding his hands out in front of him.  
  
As one, Sanzo, Goku, Hakkai, Gojyo, Dokugakuji, Yaone, Lirin, Kougaiji, Homura, Zenon, and Shien turn to see perfectly-executed aerial moves that land the fangirls squarely on the platform they had once occupied. Gojyo turns to his half-brother and orders, "Shut up, before you jinx it worse!"  
  
On unspoken signal, they begin to run.  
  
Goku and Kougaiji find themselves inexplicably out in front, with Lirin, Hakkai, Doku, and Gojyo close behind. The others trail them, hindered either by clothing or vestments. Goku turns and darts back to try and help, and it is this that allows him to look back.  
  
Rising, with the fury of a thousand gods, the tidal wave of fangirls plunges on with inhuman speed, coming nearer and nearer to the pack of heroes. A few heartbeats later, even Kougaiji is overtaken.  
  
The fangirls circle, ravenous, around their captives. Those trapped press against one another, back to back, unable to attack and unsure of how to defend themselves. It is then that the fangirls stop moving altogether.  
  
One grins, her perfect teeth glinting in the bright light. "Partition, nothing."  
  
Goku is lost then, lost in the blur of skin and arousal, at one moment trapped under the warm weight of Kougaiji and the next trying to suck Sanzo's tongue out by the root. An instant with Lirin, then penetrated by Homura, then held shuddering by Hakkai, then back to Sanzo. Bleeding, bound, open, in stockings, in makeup, dazzled by glitter. Over Kougaiji. Under Sanzo. Between Gojyo and Hakkai. He is unable to keep up, thrust from position to position with no moment to catch his breath. He trembles with exhaustion, yanked from Kougaiji's arms to tangle in Homura's yet again. Sanzo clamps his teeth down on the juncture between neck and shoulder and Goku moans. The noise is lost in Lirin's mouth. Dimly, outside of the sounds of moving bodies, heavy breathing, luxuriant moans, he hears frantic arguments among the fangirls. Goku is torn from partner after partner, gasping for air and muffled by the bodies of the others around him. Tears jerk to his eyes as he chokes on someone, unsure even of the people in and around him anymore. The fangirl screaming grows louder as dark spots cloud his vision.  
  
.  
  
Goku awakes with his breath heavy in his throat, his teeth clamped down on his pillow. He gives a soft little whimper, throwing off the nightmare with a shudder. He tries to push himself into a sitting position and finds he is weighed down by two heavy arms on either side. He lays nose-to-nose with Sanzo, spooned against Kougaiji.  
  
"Oh, look, he's awake," a gentle, female voice announces, sending icewater through Goku's veins. He realizes belatedly that he and the others around him are completely naked. Zoeii gives him a bright smile.  
  
"After you all passed out, we decided to give you a well-earned break. We've worked out our differences, too. Once everyone else recovers, we'll clue you in, kay?" She winks and leaves him, locking the door behind her.  
  
Goku buries his face in the pillow.  
  
.  
  
"Hey, ow! Let go!"  
  
These words rouse Goku yet again, and he realizes he is gripping hard to Gojyo's arm, wrapping his arms about the limb. As he regains his wits, Goku loosens his hold and runs his hands over the bandages on Gojyo's arm.  
  
"You okay, Goku?" asks Gojyo, concern on his face. "You were cussing up a storm in here, thrashing around and stuff."  
  
Goku sits up, blearily looking around. He is in his bedroom. He is fully clothed. So, as a matter of fact, is Gojyo. "Where's everybody else?"  
  
"Early morning start," Gojyo responds, jerking his thumb out Goku's door. "Hakkai left some breakfast on the stove. I'd ask if you were hungry, but I know the answer."  
  
Goku nods dumbly, looking around him. His breathing has yet to slow. Gojyo nudges his shoulder and he comes to himself, smiling weakly at his friend. "I'm okay. But what a dream. Fangirls everywhere."  
  
Gojyo shudders theatrically. "We need a containment system, no writing allowed. Like a roach motel."  
  
"Las escritoras entran, pero no pueden salir. Muerta, muerta, muerta," Goku agrees, grinning a bit at the end of it. And then his expression dies completely. "Who...?"  
  
Gojyo looks over his shoulder. "Oh, Goku, this is the new girl on the block! You'll get used to her real quick. Her name's Zoeii Sy."  
  
Zoeii flashes Goku a dazzling grin. "You know, I like your idea," she comments. "But I can definitely see a few flaws."  
  
.  
  
Notes: Translation of Goku's statement reads: The writers (female) enter, but can't leave. Dead, (feminine) dead, dead.  
  
OptiMoose: The forum idea sounds kickass - count me in! Also, I quite agree with you about being understanding about the _constructive_ part of criticism. I had a hard time with that, too. Heh. As for the Hakkai-The-Pimp, if you ever find that image again, please point me in that direction. I am now insanely curious.  
  
Sparrow319: Hakkai isn't mine to give. And yet... _[gives stuffed plushie]_ that ought to work! Glad you're still enjoying it - Breakroom is so my unwind-land too.  
  
Nightfall Rising: The dancing scene felt natural. It's just a comfortable thing, a natural progression. I'm happy with that one =) Hakkai is reading "Fight Club" because it is popular culture and, knowing the movie, Sanzo figures they'll be slashed with Brad Pitt's Tyler or some reasonable fascimile sooner or later. You'll note I never gave Hakkai any obvious emotion to denote pleasure. I don't think he'd particularly like the book, myself. As for Goujun/Tenpou, I've got no problem with that. It's nice, in an anthropomorphic sort of way. But once he's a dragon, well...eh. As for Pratchett, you would know best I suppose - I've read every last one at least twice except for the two most recent 'cause I'm cheap and am waiting for paperback. And for your understanding of the original legend, you've got me beat hands-down. I sit and wait to be schooled, sensei!  
  
Joonie: You'll see. You'll see. Wahaha.  
  
Inuyuki: I've never actually seen a GokuxGoku, but D-chan's mindblowing Seiten fic "Existence" makes me hope I never come across one either. Ish.  
  
Cho Mizuki: That, my dear, is a hilarious thought. I'm working on it, I swear.  
  
Me-Nuriko: What's correct, then, isn't always the most fun, in terms of name-spellings. Heeh.


	14. Break the Fourteenth

A/N: Hello, here I am. Anybody who hasn't heard about it, OptiMoose had a pretty darn good idea in creating an author message board. If you want to go see, paste ffnetauthors. proboards29. com in your browser. Without the spaces, of course.  
  
That little bit of advertising done, chapter thirteen was done mainly to indulge myself. Like Groundhog Day and that one nightmare that won't ever go away. My apologies to those I have traumatized, but know this: Zoeii is not, nor was she intended to be, a recurring character. She just made for a really good ending line XD.  
  
The song quoted belongs to NSYNC. It's called "That's When I'll Stop Loving You." Don't ask how I know it. Now, without further ado. Chapter fourteen!  
  
.  
  
Somewhere, there is the stench of singed clothing and burned hair. Hakkai coughs and smoke wafts from his mouth. Sanzo passes him a glass of water, and this he takes with a look of red-eyed gratitude.  
  
"Well, _I_ totally wasn't expecting that one to happen," states Goku.  
  
Gojyo snorts incredulously. "I think we call that one 'understatement'."  
  
Hakkai sets the empty glass onto the counter, swallowing hard and erupting in a sonorous belch of steam. Genteel manner aside, he grips hard to the kitchen counter and lets out a pained groan. "One would hardly expect indigestion to be a side effect of spontaneous combustion."  
  
Sanzo shrugs. "Authors work in mysterious ways."  
  
"You gotta admit, it was kinda funny," Goku says with a guilty grin. "In retrospect, you know? Hakkai's just walking along and...Bam! Like a balloon and a pin." This comment earns him a slap upside the head. Goku bites back a smart-assed remark about slapstick.  
  
Hakkai rubs his forehead, refilling the glass at the tap and taking another long drink. "First there was sex without explanation. Now there is death in much the same manner. If ever I chance to actually hold decent conversation with a fangirl, I have only one question." Hakkai pauses, knowing he has everyone's full attention. He grins morosely. "Tell me," he murmurs, "What exactly _do_ drugs taste like?"  
  
Gojyo laughs at that, kicking out of his boots and settling on one of the sofas. "At least you got a break for the rest of that one. I had a hard time keeping character for a long time there."  
  
"Yeah," agrees Goku, "and Sanzo was extra bitchy, poor guy."  
  
"I love how you all talk about me like I'm not here," the blonde comments, plopping down onto the sofa beside Gojyo. "My blood pressure must be through the roof."  
  
Goku grins at Hakkai. "It was so bad he was screaming typos. I don't think I'll ever forget when he loomed over me and screamed 'QUITE!' at the top of his lungs."  
  
"You gotta admit it's funny," Gojyo manages through his own laughter. He nudges Sanzo, who begrudgingly nods. Sanzo strains to keep his shoulders from shaking, aided mainly by his own chagrin. He then narrows his eyes and sneers a little.  
  
"What was funnier," Sanzo says, "was karma smacking you in the face for sleeping around. Quintuplets, if memory serves."  
  
Gojyo crosses his eyes. "Yeah, well, elephants never forget, right? I think I'm going to have nightmares about that fiction for a very, very long time."  
  
Hakkai leans his elbows onto the kitchen counter, interlacing his fingers. "It was kind of nice having some children around periodically. So long as you kept them out of my house."  
  
Gojyo scoffs, affecting a look of hurt. "So it's your house now? A man goes and has a few illegitimate children that all happen to be the last-hope scions of some crazy-ass lost race that will, in time, need to go on their own quest to retrieve a...what was it? A _something_ of great importance that somehow ties into the three of you to save the world because we didn't do it well enough the first time and all of a sudden his roommate kicks him out. What a world we live in." Goku laughs as Gojyo leans back to breathe.  
  
"Yeah, all that wonderful cosmic shit," agrees Goku, "in fewer words."  
  
Sanzo snorts. "Shut up about the cosmos, Solarfetish."  
  
"Two-shay!" cries Goku, throwing his head back to laugh. "I got lucky today, getting out of most of that. It just wasn't there."  
  
"What serendipity," Hakkai comments, his understanding pleasure underscored by his dry tone. "Speaking of glorious finds, I stumbled upon Gojyo's diary today."  
  
"Oh?" asks the redhead, his eyebrows raising. "Do I want to hear what I wrote?"  
  
Without a glance at Gojyo, Sanzo says, "Go on, Hakkai." And then he grins at the man next to him on the couch.  
  
The brunette smiles a bit, closing his eyes to remember. "And I quote, _'I have loved him from the first moment he opened his eyes to stare into my soul.'_ He then went on to detail his favorite parts of my anatomy and mannerism, and the ache deep down in his heart for me. Goku, if you continue to gag like that, I do fear it may have an ill effect on your throat."  
  
"Sorry," responds Goku with a cross-eyed grimace. "I just can't stand the thought of love at first sight. Especially, no offense, Gojyo's first sight of you. Mmm, guts."  
  
Hakkai laughs. "I suppose it only serves to show his devotion to me, then. So, you see, after having read this declaration of love and then seeing how he had subsequently gone on and had five babies with another woman, it's no wonder I kicked him out."  
  
Gojyo convulses, clutching his hand over his heart and crying out, "You cut me deep, Hakkai! Just when our friendship was about to blossom into..._something more_!"  
  
"Stop that right now," Sanzo orders through gritted teeth. "If I hear that phrase one more time..."  
  
Hakkai nods, a tired expression on his face. "Damn all popular contrivances. What ever happened to being clever?"  
  
"They just want us to mack on each other," Goku responds, shrugging. "We've just got to spew the right amount of bullshit to cut through the proverbial red tape."  
  
Hakkai brings his closed fists near his ears, then opens his hands. "Boom. Like a balloon and a pin."  
  
"I think the fun bit comes when you get a moment to think about what you've had to say, though," Goku comments, adopting a mischievous look. "Because then you look for loopholes." When he is met with three questioning glances, he explains, "Oh, like you've never thought about it. Take, 'When winter comes in summer, that's when I'll stop loving you.' Hm. Anybody thought of jumping a hemisphere?"  
  
Gojyo blinks rapidly. "I don't know what scares me more. The fact that you quoted a boy band or that I know what you quoted." The two meet one another's gazes and simultaneously cry, "Pussywhipped!"  
  
"Now, now," Hakkai interjects, "Be nice. They're not much better off than we are."  
  
"Yeah," agrees Goku, "But they get paid. A hell of a lot."  
  
"So do professional athletes," counters Sanzo, "but you don't see us quoting _them_."  
  
There is a moment of dumbfounded silence while everyone considers the last words spoken. Then, Gojyo leans over to Sanzo and murmurs, "I'm...going to Disneyland?"  
  
Hakkai adopts a scholarly, contemplative look. "Hardly seductive enough. I heard no mention of neither heart nor flower there." He gives pause and adds, "Unless, of course, you have a thing for anthropomorphic mice."  
  
Without missing a beat, Gojyo puts his hands over his ears and says, "Hakkai! You promised you wouldn't tell!"  
  
Sanzo rolls his eyes toward the ceiling. "That was low. And disgusting."  
  
"You liked it," Gojyo retorts with a grin. In response, Sanzo gives no warning before braining Gojyo with his harisen.  
  
The monk takes a moment to stretch out his arm, rolling the limb. "I think I might have strained something."  
  
"Ya think?" cries Gojyo, rubbing at the back of his head. He winces as the pleasant ding and bright light signify another fiction in the making. Hakkai, closest to the slot, picks up the sheet of paper and skims the information.  
  
"Oh, dear," he murmurs, "It appears Gojyo's quints are back for round two. The author is definitely attentive and this looks like it's going to be quite long."  
  
"Can't make me do it!" Gojyo cries, and Sanzo grabs him by the ear.  
  
"Your damn' fault you made the things. You're gonna take care of them. And I better not have to babysit or there's going to be hell to pay."  
  
.  
  
Notes: That was fun. Way too much fun. Hope y'all are still having as good a time as I am!  
  
Joonie: It was all a dream. A very, very bad dream. It was fun. Read the Author's Notes at the beginning of chapter 13 for notes on who Zoeii is.  
  
D-Chan: Something so wrong felt...just...so RIGHT. I had way too much fun. Oh, and if I am damned for giving you Homura/Goku thoughts, I shall enjoy the trip to hell. It was entirely my intent!  
  
Sorchafyre: I'm just happy you're getting a kick out of it on your own, reviews or not. No need to apologize =) You have inspired me muchly, love, and when I implement this inspiration, I hope you enjoy it. Muahahaha.  
  
OptiMoose: Heh. Violence or humping one another - which would the boys pick? I'm a little frightened to delve into the world of fanart because it could either be ginormically huge or very repetitive. Fanservice is Fanservice. The boys would just have to hold certain poses longer. And, well, the romance vs angst war is one that shall wage on for centuries to come, I imagine...heeh. Should be fun XD  
  
Rhoda: Evil cannot be taught; you must be born with the vindictiveness coursing through your veins. Either that, or I'm too lazy ;D And whatever it was that Carman found in Sanzo's underoo drawer, well, that's totally up to you. I, personally, couldn't decide!  
  
Me-Nuriko: I _am_ nuts. Just not nuts in the way you thought I might be nuts in the last chapter. Which was nuts. ...NUTS!  
  
Sparrow319: I do love you. Heh. So darn cute, you are. I think the most frightening bit about ch. 13 was not that you and others had fangirl moments reading it, but that I based it off of a lot of my own. Ah well, they say to write what you know, right? Eh heh... 


	15. Break the Fifteenth

A/N: Hello and welcome to the quinceanera party for my fiction. (Insert the tilde over the second 'n'.) This chapter will answer some very important questions, such as "What is it that Goku made Hakkai promise not to tell Gojyo about?", "What happens when the Saiyuki boys break character during a fiction?", and "What is the average flight velocity of a laden swallow?" Many thanks to OptiMoose and the ffnet author mb for a few of the ideas expressed herein, and if not herein they'll appear in later chapters.  
  
Enjoy.  
  
.  
  
Somewhere, there is muted music and the squishy sound effect of disembowelment. Every few moments there comes a gasp or a cry, and it is this that leads Gojyo from the front door to Goku's room. He swings inside without knocking.  
  
"Hey! So that's what you have!"  
  
Goku tries desperately to hide his coveted prize but Gojyo is too fast. Gojyo grabs a controller and Goku dives on him, wrestling for control. "It's _mine_, stupid kappa, now let go! You asked for a stereo, you got a stereo!"  
  
Gojyo lets go of the controller and flops onto his stomach over Goku, looking around him and pinning his opponent with his weight. "Would you look at this spread?" he cries, struggling to hold Goku down. "Ess en ee ess, a sixty-four, Playstations one and two, exbox...and a Gameboy! With...Oh, Goku, Pokemon?"  
  
Goku turns his head away, a slight flush suffusing his features. "A phase I'll never repeat."  
  
Gojyo laughs at the boy under him and says, "Answer me this. Why do you want Sanzo's television so bad if you've already got one to play your games on?"  
  
Goku shrugs as best he can with Gojyo's weight still pinning him to the floor. "He's got cable. Now get off before I suffocate." He shoves Gojyo off of him and sits up, shoving his hair out of his face. He sees the look on his friend's face and shakes his head. "No. Nuh-uh. I'm not having you in here at all hours of the day just to look at pixellated babes on my racing games."  
  
"They have those?" Gojyo asks, his grin quirking. "Man, I was just after a bit of good old ultraviolence, but pixel-babes will work. Share with me, come on!"  
  
Goku stands firm, crossing both arms and legs as he sits on his floor, controller forgotten by his side. "I said no! You don't have anything I could trade for, so all you'd be doing is mooching."  
  
This gives Gojyo pause a moment, and as the redhead looks over the gaming consoles littering Goku's floor, his eyes widen with an idea. "Hey, those disc-based boxes should be able to play CD's though. There's got to be some music you like, right?"  
  
"Guess I'd have to look. Are you going to stay in here until I do?" asks Goku, turning again to his game. Sounds of fabricated battle squelch inside the room. Gojyo is silent, but when Goku turns to gripe at him for his constant presence, the redhead is smiling warmly.  
  
"Well, so Hakkai has a library, Sanzo has cable television, I've got music, and you have all sorts of video games. If these are the luxuries granted to us, I wonder what Kougaiji has?" Goku gives Gojyo a _why-are-you-wasting-my-time?_ grimace, turning back to the flickering screen. Gojyo presses on. "It could be anything! Massage chairs, magazines, newspapers. Bet you money Nii's got a toybox. Or maybe, maybe one of them has Internet capabilities. Could you just imagine?"  
  
At this, Goku nearly drops the controller. Upon their insertion into the Breakroom, each of the Sanzo-ikkou had been granted one tie to the outside world. This tie, however, must remain one-directional, preventing communication from beyond the walls of fanfiction. Thus, each settled on a stream of information flooding in from the outside world with no way to reciprocate. But. The Internet meant ceaseless possibility. Pseudonyms for chatrooms, messageboards, websites...  
  
Gojyo leans in front of Goku, snapping his fingers. "Hello? Are you alive in there?"  
  
"I've...got to go to the bathroom," says Goku, blinking twice in rapid succession. He turns to Gojyo as he gets up. "If you touch a single thing while I'm gone..." And with this unfinished threat he leaves the room.  
  
Gojyo grins at the inviting console, grabbing the controller the instant he hears the front door slam. "Worth it," he mutters, and begins to play.  
  
Before Gojyo can even get into the level Goku left, the front door slams again. He pauses the game and pokes his head out of the room with only a small amount of guilt. He smiles when he sees Sanzo and Hakkai.  
  
"What have we here? Everything okay?" asks Gojyo, sauntering into the den. Sanzo is bent helplessly over the couch, wincing in pain. Hakkai gives Gojyo a weak, exhausted smile as he works some life into Sanzo's back. The monk groans into the upholstery, visibly tensing and relaxing under Hakkai's skilful hands.  
  
"Sanzo," Hakkai simply states, "broke character."  
  
Sanzo groans again, unabashedly vocal. "Held the same fucking position _all_ day. S-sorry, Hakkai, I..."  
  
"No need to apologize," Hakkai responds, digging his knuckles into the muscles of Sanzo's shoulders. "You can't help it when you sneeze."  
  
Gojyo plops down onto the other couch, watching the proceedings with mixed horror and sympathy. "That's all you did? Just sneezed? Well fuck me. How long did the block last?" he asks, noting the fatigue evident in Hakkai.  
  
"We lost count after two hours," Hakkai responds, tossing his hair out of his face. "It seemed, after the sneeze that jarred the author's train of thought, they left the document open while taking a break and reforming their idea."  
  
"After a sneeze," Gojyo repeats, shaking his head. "I've caused month-long writer's blocks with less. Were you having sex?"  
  
"Yeah," Sanzo grinds out between his teeth. "Ow, damn it."  
  
Hakkai digs into the spot again. "My apologies, but I've got to work the knots out or you'll never stand upright again." He looks to Gojyo with an apologetic smile. "Bent over and tied to the headboard so all his weight had to be balanced by his lower back. Nearly inhuman to hold for five minutes, let alone the amount of time we spent." He pats Sanzo's back, standing up and away from him. "Sit up and tell me if I missed anything."  
  
Sanzo does as asked, stretching a bit. "I'm fine."  
  
"Oh, good," responds Hakkai, and promptly collapses. Before Gojyo can react, Sanzo darts down to grab him, coming up sharply with a wince.  
  
"Here," orders Gojyo, taking Hakkai from Sanzo. "You can't hold him up; you're both exhausted. Shit, he's stiff as a board." Gojyo lays Hakkai down on the couch he'd been occupying, shakes his shoulder, and looks into bleary, green eyes. "How's your back?" Gojyo asks him.  
  
Hakkai closes his eyes again. "Fine. Really."  
  
Rolling his eyes at the typical, altruistic response, Gojyo straddles Hakkai's legs on the couch and presses the heels of his hands into Hakkai's lower back. Gojyo whistles low through his teeth. "_Damn_, you're tense."  
  
Sanzo, still experimentally stretching out his back, mutters, "You're going to hurt him."  
  
"Am not," replies Gojyo, "and if by some random chance that happens you'll get to watch as Hakkai burns my face off. Win-win situation right there."  
  
Hakkai gasps, pain hitching at his throat. Gojyo's hands are away from him in an instant. "No, no," Hakkai murmurs, his eyes opening. "Do it again."  
  
Gojyo smiles. "Yeah. Tough love, right? It's for your own good."  
  
"You sound like my mother," Hakkai groans, and then laughs a little. "Although I wouldn't want a fangirl to get an idea from that."  
  
Gojyo snorts and turns to Sanzo. "You gotta at least tell me after putting Hakkai through all of that you at least swallowed."  
  
Sanzo raises an eyebrow, lighting a cigarette. "African or European?"  
  
Even Sanzo cracks a grin as Gojyo laughs. "Man," says Gojyo, leaning into Hakkai, "that joke's never going to get old."  
  
"Mm, Gojyo, you'll have to stop or I'm going to fall asleep," murmurs Hakkai, rolling over and kicking Gojyo off. "Thank you, though. Sanzo, how do you feel?"  
  
After a few twists, Sanzo admits, "Still a bit tense."  
  
"Copy me, then," orders Hakkai, and lowers himself to the floor with his calves on the couch. "Let gravity do the work."  
  
A few moments later, Sanzo does as suggested, and Gojyo perches on one of the armrests of the sofa to talk to them. "Goku's out," he says conversationally. "I found his video games and got him going on what everybody else has. I think he's hoping Homura's got instant messenger."  
  
Sanzo rolls his eyes and smashes the cigarette in the ashtray on the coffee table by his head. "Wonder what his screen name is," he mutters dryly. Hakkai laughs at that.  
  
"One can only imagine." He looks up at Gojyo and asks, "So how was your day?"  
  
Gojyo shrugs. "The babies are fine, thanks for your concern and ditching me with them. Yet another fiction where I was a woman, too. In that one Kougaiji and Shien were fighting over me."  
  
Sanzo snorts. "Who won?"  
  
"Kougaiji," Gojyo responds with a shrug. "We went on to have many happy little redheaded babies. Again. What's with me and having kids?"  
  
Hakkai laughs. "Perhaps it's because you're such a stunning example of parenthood material."  
  
"Very funny." Gojyo nudges Hakkai's side with his boot. "But it got me wondering. Kou's pureblood and I' m a halfbreed. So we could either have halfbreed or pureblood children, right?"  
  
Hakkai winces, closing his eyes in thought. "I don't think blood and breeding works the same way as genetic traits do, Gojyo. You would have babies that were one-quarter human. And that's even if you could have the children, though we assume you are bodily able for the sake of argument."  
  
"Excuse the interruption," Sanzo mutters, "but why the hell are we talking about this?"  
  
"Because," Gojyo responds. "But if my looks are altered by my blood, what would our kids look like?"  
  
With a rub of his forehead, Hakkai answers, "Perhaps, because the human blood would be overpowered three to one, they might have Kougaiji's coloring. Or, because your half-brother has dark hair and eyes, maybe they would more closely resemble him. There, I think, you would get into the matter of genetics."  
  
Gojyo leans back, looking into the ceiling. "Huh. Well, the author had it plenty wrong, then."  
  
"Why?" asks Hakkai.  
  
Gojyo grins. "They were all happy magic children in every color of the rainbow, those children of Kougaiji's and mine. Wish the quints were so interesting."  
  
Beginning to get into it, for lack of anything else to latch his brain onto, Sanzo says, "Now wait. Isn't their mother full-human? So they're three-quarters human each. Is humanity dominant or recessive?"  
  
Hakkai holds his hands up. "Wait. Give me a minute to think. I haven't really encountered it anywhere except inside fan fictions. Logically, if I can lose my humanity but there is no way for me to regain it, then the humanity in me would be submissive. Thus, the quints should have Gojyo's hair and eye color."  
  
"Which, as a matter of fact, they do." Gojyo grins a bit. "Whether that's by knowledge or aesthetic, I don't know."  
  
"The latter," sighs Sanzo, "always the latter."  
  
The front door slams open so quickly it sounds like a gunshot. Goku bursts into the room with a milk moustache and a gigantic grin. "Come on, you guys! Yaone asked for the latest in cookware and she's making smoothies with her new blender!"  
  
.  
  
Notes: That was fun. So. What should everybody _else_ have asked for from the outside world?  
  
OptiMoose: I know about the mayonnaise ramen thing and all I can say is "Please, Please let HAKKAI cook!" I've advertised for the board not only here but on AIM, so hopefully some more people will check it out.  
  
Me-Nuriko: Glad you're laughing out loud. I'm working on the 'dessert' chapter next ;)  
  
P3c: I think the play-by-play idea could really work. I just have to find (or make up) the perfect bad-angst scene...Hmmm... By the by, the dancing carrot says "Hello" =)  
  
Crimson1: Love at First Sight bugs me to no end. I think I did pretty well satirizing it, eh? ;)  
  
Tenshi no Yoru: OOC is a common mistake I touch upon regularly. Oh, and I got the hint about your enjoyment =)  
  
Karu Leonesse: Bam! I made up the balloon-and-pin thing on the spot, but at least now I know it's a keeper!  
  
D-Chan: I personally feel very sorry for Gojyo's quints. The mental images you provide for me make me laugh so hard... after all, I used to hang my Furby upside down to shut it up, it ought to work on babies too XP As for update times, I write whenever I can and when the ideas run out or I feel it's a good place to stop, I stop. _[shrugs]_ I never plan it, which could get me into trouble. Personally, though, I'd rather see a long update after a few weeks than five hundred words every day. Heh, I so bad then, huh? As for my evilness...if it helps you write, I'm going to sin every day. =)  
  
Cho Mizuki: Pussywhipped is sort of a vulgar substitute for hen-pecked or just really submissive to the women in your life. Boy bands are prime examples of people that have learned what women want to hear. Heh. And, while writing 'crappily' may provide me with some small amount of inspiration, let's not wound the Saiyuki fandom further ;) Remember this: Sleep is good; drugs are bad. Mkay?  
  
Sparrow319: Of _course_ I'm spying on you. What do you think this expensive equipment is _for_? Um. I mean, no. Lucky guess? Heh, so you know the song, too. Honestly, that entire album is a guilty pleasure I dug out after four years and listened to for about a week nonstop. Heh. It's gone now, hiding back where I won't find it for another four years... Anyway, glad you're laughing. Hakkai spontaneously combusting gives me the giggles too. Would he scorch the pavement or just leave smoking shoes?  
  
WildeLamssu: I've already e-mailed you about how much I love that you know all of my references, _including_ "Shibby". Thanks for the suggestions and I hope to see some of _your_ writing online soon!  
  
KawaiiLilMarron: Humf, I had to yell at you to get you to review. And then Mezi doesn't! Lol sheesh you fangirls are lazy. I read the fic where the Saiyuki boys are turned into women, and though I am appalled at every perspective that would make it a 'serious' Saiyuki fic, I do admit I laughed aloud when Hakkai grabbed Gojyo's breast for comfort and reassurance. That's a mental image that won't leave me for a very, very long time.  
  
Mae: Sorry I didn't reply to you sooner - because you e-mailed me and I check for review responses through fanfiction dot net only, I kept forgetting it was there! You may shoot me for my negligence. As you've probably noticed, I used some of your suggestions already and am planning to use more of them! Thanks so much for letting me know what you think! =) 


	16. Break the Sixteenth

A/N: Hello, folks, and welcome to another chapter of "The Breakroom". It's old enough to drive! Whee!... Saiyuki and all other references are not mine. Some ideas have come from the fanfiction author message board, the url for which can be found in my profile. OptiMoose drew a few very adorable images as pertain to chocolate mousse and the translucency of Jell-O. Enjoy, all, and the notes to my reviewers are at the end of the chapter.  
  
.  
  
Somewhere, there is the thick, wet squelch of saturated clothes being piled on linoleum flooring. Shoes, socks, pants, shirts, underclothes, all are soaked and all are shed. Goku and Gojyo react first.  
  
"Shower!" they simultaneously cry, but Hakkai reaches out and grabs each by their ear.  
  
"Now, now, you aren't going to let Sanzo and myself stand in the kitchen all alone and naked, are you?" he chides.  
  
Gojyo leers at him. "You're not naked. That's chocolate sauce you're wearing."  
  
From the corner of his mouth, Goku cries, "I feel happy! I feel happy!"  
  
Sanzo snorts and grabs Hakkai's wrists. "Under these circumstances, I'd most rather share with Hakkai. Come on."  
  
"Hey, wait a minute!" cries Goku, chasing after them. "You do realize we'll kill each other in there!"  
  
Sanzo shrugs one syrup-drenched shoulder. "In retribution for getting us lost in the _dessert_, Hakkai's going to wash my back."  
  
Hakkai smiles over his shoulder and adds, "You two would do well to do the same. I have a funny feeling all of that whipped cream is going to be impossible to get out of Gojyo's hair."  
  
Goku turns with a bit of a dejected sigh to find that Gojyo has already shut himself inside the bathroom. However, the redhead has neglected to lock the door and so Goku explodes into the stall in a cacophony of warcries and yelping at the temperature of the water.  
  
Hakkai and Sanzo, from their steamy sanctuary, shake their heads and resume their endeavors to chip hardened mousse from their skins.  
  
.  
  
"I'm not touching it."  
  
The sodden heap of clothing has solidified in the time it took for two showers. Gojyo and Goku, clean, reasonably sound, and clothed in fluffy robes, stare down at the lump as if it might jump up and bite them.  
  
Gojyo turns an irritated eye to Goku. "Why the hell not?"  
  
"Wouldn't want to deny you the experience," Goku responds, wrinkling his nose. He backs away and into a warm obstruction.  
  
Hakkai steps around him but not before taking a deep, satisfied breath. "Ah, so that is the smell everyone seems so enamored with." He gathers the mass of crinkled, stained clothing and drops it into the trash compactor. "I think we can do without the ordeal of trying to wash those in the sink, can't we?" he asks brightly, ignoring the confused looks on Gojyo and Goku.  
  
And then, Gojyo gets it. He bends down and puts his nose into the wet mess of Goku's hair. "Hm. It's kind of like gym socks, don't you think, Hakkai?"  
  
Goku frowns, indignant. "What the hell...?"  
  
"We're fresh and clean out of the showers, Goku," Gojyo explains with a grin. "You know how all those authors are crazy about the smell or the taste or whatever that's innately _insert-character's-name-here_? I was just wondering what yours was."  
  
Goku dives on Gojyo, ready to pound lumps into him. "I do _not_ smell like gym socks!"  
  
Hakkai laughs. "Clean gym socks, Goku. _Clean _ones."  
  
Goku backs off from Gojyo with a snort. "And that guy," he sneers, pointing to the laughing redhead by his side, "smells like hard water."  
  
Hakkai raises his eyebrows when Gojyo and Goku grab him by the arms and take deep breaths. They meet eyes and agree, "Soap."  
  
Sanzo surreptitiously lights a cigarette before entering the room, having heard the discourse. Goku pouts when he realizes what Sanzo has done, but Gojyo nudges him and says, "Toilet paper still on the roll." Goku laughs and bounds over to the couch, plopping down with his legs crossed. Sanzo glances disinterestedly in his direction and returns to staring at the smoke coming off of his cigarette.  
  
"I'm still wondering," murmurs Goku, "What the answer to that one question was."  
  
Sanzo quirks an eyebrow. "Which one? I seem to remember you getting them all wrong."  
  
"Hey, that Game Show was fixed, I swear!" Goku cries indignantly. "And anyway, it wasn't really me answering."  
  
Gojyo laughs. "Yeah, and there's more important questions to be answered anyhow. Like, what did you find besides Yaone's blender? And when's the next time she's making pina coladas?"  
  
Goku grins. "She's good at those, huh? Well, um, okay, let's see. Lirin's got a computer." Goku pauses as the communal breath is drawn in surprise. "No internet." The communal exhale follows. "She's got a ton of computer games, though. Kou, no surprise, has his mom. Doku wouldn't let me see what he's got."  
  
"Oh really," asks Gojyo, coming to sit beside Goku. "Sit straight-legged, saru, or put some pants on. Hm, if I know my brother..."  
  
"And you don't," interjects Sanzo, ignoring the dirty look given him by Gojyo.  
  
"I was gonna _say_...damn it, you made me forget!"  
  
"Anyway!" cries Goku, adjusting his sitting position so the flaps of his robe don't curl uselessly around his knees. "One of the coolest things I found was this giant greenhouse Homura's got. Synthetic sunlight and everything, but it's absolutely huge. Full of plants." Goku leans back and adds, "Nobody else was really in the mood to humor me but Homura says I can come by and help him prune anytime I want to."  
  
Sanzo snorts. "You'd kill the stupid things trying to be helpful. Not like your oh-so-delicate lovely little counterpart," he adds softly around the cigarette, looking away and inhaling. He grins and blows smoke through his teeth. "Kazuki, was it?"  
  
Goku shudders. "Shut up! That was creepy."  
  
Hakkai, standing behind the couch on which Gojyo and Goku are seated, leans over Goku and comments, "Why, he was a very nice young man on close inspection. And you got along well with Ginji, didn't you?"  
  
"But!" cries Goku. "He sounded _exactly_ like me. I mean...I mean...and it didn't help that for the first ten minutes I thought he was a girl, either!"  
  
Gojyo pokes Goku. "Aw, come on, now. You've been a woman enough times not to take it to heart." The redhead grins. "I thought that part was kind of cute."  
  
Goku laughs sheepishly at that, agreeing, "I did have a moment of 'that's not supposed to turn me on!', I grant you that. But at least I could form coherent syllables whenever HEVN entered the room. And I think you traumatized poor Natsumi-chan."  
  
Gojyo raises both his eyebrows. "You want trauma? You think _I_ was bad? I'd like to see Akabane and Chin Yisou in the same room together for five minutes at a time. _That_ would traumatize even master Sanzo over there."  
  
"Don't speak of trauma to a man who has worn more forms of binding than a bondage club uses in a decade," responds Sanzo, flicking ash into the ashtray on the coffee table. "I personally wonder who'd come out alive."  
  
Hakkai shakes his head. "Either Akabane or no-one. Or do you mean the Chin Yisou that never laid eyes on Cho Gonou?"  
  
Gojyo blinks rapidly, brings his hands to either side of his head, and opens his fists. "Bam. Like a balloon and a pin." Hakkai pats his shoulders and Gojyo continues, "Mind paying me back from a while ago?"  
  
"What do you mean?" asks Hakkai, but begins to knead Gojyo's shoulders.  
  
Gojyo relaxes. "Thanks. It was this morning, I think. You and Goku took your limiters off, remember?"  
  
Goku crosses his eyes. "The shortest time ever, I think. Must have been a record."  
  
Hakkai laughs lightly, adding, "Well, it was only around ten sentences from the time we transformed, got the job done, and Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama arrived. What happened to you, though, Gojyo?"  
  
Gojyo groans. "You don't remember? You were the one what threw me into that big-ass stack of crates."  
  
"Dreadfully sorry," apologizes Hakkai, and continues his ministrations to Gojyo's shoulders. "Did I knock the wind out of you?"  
  
"The sense, too. You were pretty out of control there for a while, even for you." Gojyo rolls his neck to the side and lets out a happy "Mmm."  
  
Goku laughs. "I don't know how everybody else survives without you around, Hakkai."  
  
The brunette smiles and responds, "Well, I know Konzen has a massage chair."  
  
"Really? How'd you find that one out?" asks Goku with bright, wide eyes.  
  
Hakkai winks and responds, "Tenpou and I share literature. He's getting a bit of a kick out of Machiavelli at the moment."  
  
Sanzo snorts. "So that's why you were wondering where the book had gone when I borrowed it."  
  
"So sorry to rush you on that one, Sanzo," Hakkai replies with a smile, "but 'The Prince' is apparently in high demand. Tenpou is a military man, you know."  
  
Sanzo shrugs, rubbing out the cigarette. "If needs must. But that book could put some funny thoughts into a military man's head."  
  
Hakkai laughs. "I'll be sure to warn Konzen the next time I see him, then. Tenpou strikes me as more of a Major Major than a Colonel Corn, though."  
  
"Marshall Major?" questions Sanzo with a quirk of his eyebrow. "Next you'll be asking Goku why he walks around with meat buns in his cheeks."  
  
Gojyo grunts a bit and grins. "What meat buns? He's got tennis balls in his hands."  
  
Goku frowns, asking, "What?"  
  
Hakkai laughs, leaning into Gojyo's shoulders. "Why, Goku, don't you _want_ apple cheeks?"  
  
.  
  
Notes: I love Orr more than I really should. And that's all I have to say about that.  
  
KawaiiLilMarron: I think Hakkai-The-Pimp is still my favorite image. The chocolate sauce, though, comes very close.  
  
Mezi: It's okay. FF dot net has its review-eating moments. I'll see what I can do with the suggestion, too.  
  
Rhoda: Reference tool for the fics? Really? I've been making them up..._[sweatdrop]_ but. I like encouraging people =)  
  
OptiMoose: I think Sanzo may have an unnatural talent at Pokemon. Only time will tell XP  
  
Akiko Koishii: Nice to meet you, there! Trust me, Harry Potter's been near the top of my list for a long time. It may span an entire chapter, the way my thoughts are going. Patience ;)  
  
Sparrow319: 'Shibby' is from Boy Meets Boy (I love Sandra Delete...Friendly Hostility is priceless) but also from "Dude, Where's my Car?" where I saw it first. So, it's kinda both. But I'm a vocal Cy/Skids shipper too =) As for your lengthy review, I took notes. But I'm not telling you what I'm using. Buahaha.  
  
Nightfall Rising: No apology needed. I laughed aloud when I realized the torment your fic characters are experiencing. Especially poor Jien! Gojyo _is_ sterile. People just ignore that when they want him to be a daddy. Adds another touch of unbelievable hilarity to the whole situation, ne? I rather liked making Hakkai and Sanzo act undignified, and as for other involuntary actions...Oh, dear. XD  
  
Joonie: Welcome back! And the convo about quarter-bloods and half-bloods and pure-bloods was meant to be confusing. My brain was exploding as I wrote it.  
  
WildeLamassu: I _love_ you. I laughed _so_ hard at your review my mom thought I was crying (I was hoarse at the time) When I was carpooling with my friend's dad, the two of us would _always_ quote the 'newt' scene. And the one I referenced in this chapter. "I'm not dead! I think I'll go for a walk!"  
  
Crimson1: Yay for Monty Python. !! Glad you caught it, among the select few who deigned to comment upon it. Waha.  
  
Me-Nuriko: You're still welcome to write the 'dessert' one-shot, lol. I'd actually quite like to see that...  
  
Merf: Trust me, what you're asking for is coming. Not in the way you might expect, but it's coming. Mwahahahahaha... 


	17. Break the Seventeenth

A/N: Hello and welcome to chapter seventeen. I had no idea this thing would get so big, and I've got it mapped out for at least four chapters after this as well. Yay. For all those with questions as to what the hell I was talking about at the end of last chapter, here's the elucidation: Joseph Heller's "Catch-22" revolves around Yossarian. As much as I love Yossarian, I love Orr more. And Orr walks around with horse chestnuts in his cheeks. Why? Because he can't find any crab apples. But he doesn't _really_ have horse chestnuts in his cheeks. He's just got tennis balls in his hands. Major M. M. Major is also a fantastic character, and at one point is flying-tackled by Yossarian in a ditch. They didn't put that scene in the movie. In fact, they cut a lot out of the movie. While this is lamentable, it also makes the movie one giant inside joke. And that's kinda cool.  
  
Anywho, enjoy chapter seventeen. Notes to reviewers at the end.

* * *

Somewhere, there is the lopsided sound of the lame walking. A heavy footfall followed quickly by a solid thud. Wait one heartbeat; repeat process as desired. There is a squawking sound, and the rustle of disturbed feathers ensues. Someone swears, loud and hearty.  
  
"Don't suck on it. You don't know where that's been," Hakkai admonishes. The door to the Breakroom shudders on its hinges with the impact of someone walking into it.  
  
Goku snickers as Gojyo swears. "Goddamn' eyepatch! I can't see a thing with only one eye! ...and will you _get the stupid bird off my head_?!"  
  
Hakkai laughs and says, "Try living with no depth perception every day, Gojyo, and you will know the true pain of unintentionally walking into things." The lock slides back and the four of them manage to make it inside.  
  
Goku stands on tiptoe to fetch the parrot, stroking its brilliant, red head. He is barefoot, clothed in tattered pants, a rope belt, and a black-and-white striped bandanna. His hair hasn't taken to the treatment, and sticks out at odd angles beneath the fabric. He sprouts a fine mess of rugged facial hair and a few more moles than he had before coming onboard the ship. He is extremely glad he did not have to dress as any of his comrades.  
  
Hakkai drips with red velvet finery, clothed in a heavy overcoat detailed with gold filigree. The sleeves tuck into handsome, worn leather gloves that are the same deep brown as his knee-high boots. He sports a white, silk shirt with a high, ruffled collar, and his shirttails are tucked into well-made, black cotton trousers that are held at his waist by a sturdy, leather belt. The buckle, as well as the hilt of the sword at his hip, is pure gold. Barring any impracticalities, the sword is sheathed in pure gold as well. Capping this fine outfit is a black three-cornered hat with long peacock feathers as plumes. His monocle is chained to a gold ring in his ear, and there is a long, jagged battle scar crossing over his useless eye. This, of course, does nothing to detract from his natural beauty. Three of his teeth are gold.  
  
Sanzo is the first mate to Hakkai's Captain, clad in simple cotton clothes not so fine as Hakkai's but definitely of better quality than those on the other two. His hair is long enough to be tied back by a length of black ribbon. This same ribbon also adorns his swan neck, contrasting against the white, collared shirt that hangs loosely upon him, open to the third button. The sleeves of his shirt tuck into black leather gloves, much older and more worn than Hakkai's, so that the index finger of his right hand pokes through. He leaves his shirt untucked, but wears form-fitting black trousers that tuck into brown leather boots.  
  
If Sanzo is the complement to Hakkai's finery, then Gojyo is the wizened cook to Goku's bilge rat. His outfit comes complete with a peg leg jutting away from his knee. The sea has been unkind to Gojyo, who looks ragged instead of rugged, exhausted instead of romantic, and bruised from his being unused to the eyepatch that is his constant accessory. His clothes are torn and tattered beneath a stained, striped apron, and his hair is tied back under a bandanna identical to Goku's. He is missing some teeth, and two fingers from his left hand. The parrot was supposed to be his constant companion, but had rather taken a liking to Goku.  
  
Hakkai removes his hat, fingering the plume with a bit of a bemused look. "Well, I wonder what the glitch was this time. There weren't any pairings."  
  
Goku shrugs. "So we mess with stuff and see what happens." He lets the parrot settle on his shoulder and, with one well-aimed kick, knocks Gojyo's peg leg out from under him. The redhead collapses to the floor with a surprised cry.  
  
"That's me leg, buffoon!" Gojyo snarls, rubbing his head. He struggles into a sitting position, checking the scar tissue at the end of his leg. "If you left a splinter..."  
  
"Okay, it was worth a try," Goku mutters with an embarrassed grin. He jumps a foot at a gunshot and a squawk. Sanzo stands in his familiar robes, gun still smoking and pointed directly to the left of Goku's ear. The parrot leaves no trace.  
  
Gojyo clutches at the calf he had been living without. "Yes! Missed you, buddy!" He scrambles to his feet, jumping experimentally. "Never thought I'd be so glad to be able to do that. Sea legs, nothing."  
  
Goku sighs a little. "I kinda liked her. Polly."  
  
Sanzo snorts, stowing the gun. "It was a stupid bird."  
  
"I seem to remember an incident with a kitten..." murmurs Hakkai, with an added, "and that was canon."  
  
Sanzo is about to retort when there comes a knocking on their door. Hakkai, knowing their last visitor to be a bedraggled Homura, rushes to the potential aid of someone in need. He opens the door to a fresh-faced young man with a mess of brown waves curling from his crown to his shoulders.  
  
"Hello, there, sir! We're just here for some required construction and maintenance, won't be long, if we can just squeeze in here..." He takes two steps before he is confronted by Sanzo, Gojyo, and Goku.  
  
"Who, exactly, do you think you are?" asks Sanzo, a deadly calm in his voice.  
  
The young man smiles brightly and digs in his pocket for a business card. "The name's Jiro. We're with the Original Character union."  
  
Goku and Gojyo stare at the business card in Sanzo's hand. "They have one of those?" asks Goku.  
  
"Apparently, yes," Hakkai answers, and turns back toward the door. Two other young men are entering, each holding a box of equipment. One stands tall, proud, and handsome despite the dirt on his uniform. He sports the same coloration as Gojyo. The other is short, curly-haired, and grinning jovially at some hilarious inside joke.  
  
Jiro leads the procession into the kitchen and pulls a compass and ruler from his toolbelt. "See," he explains, taking quick measurements, "when we're used in a fanfiction that's ongoing, we don't actually get our own rooms like you do. We're not canon. So we join the union and do this all day. Maintenance, construction, stuff like that. And we've got to retain human form, no matter what we actually are."  
  
The one with the curly, black mop eyes Sanzo. "What? We're certified non-Sue, so stop looking at us funny."  
  
The other chuckles and adds, "Ren's touchy."  
  
Jiro laughs at the obvious understatement and turns to Ren to grab a sheet of paper from the box in his arms. "Don't you guys worry, we'll be done within the hour. It's a simple modification."  
  
Hakkai leans on the other side of the kitchen counter and asks, "Excuse me, but what exactly _are_ you doing to the counter?"  
  
The one called Ren holds up a speaker. "See this? You all get an intercom system now, for crises and whatnot. But _only_ for crises. Which is why you've gotta go through a whole ton of red tape before you get to use the stupid thing in the first place."  
  
Hakkai smiles. "Ah, a wonderfully useful invention nullified by preemptive precautions."  
  
"You've got the nail on the head, mister." Ren grins and ducks down to grab a pair of protective goggles. "Uh, you all might wanna step back a bit. The three of us have safety gear but not you."  
  
"Why?" asks Goku, and then stops when Jiro hefts a chainsaw. "Oh."  
  
The roaring of the chainsaw drowns out all conversation after that, though Sanzo and Gojyo sit on the couches and ignore the din. Gojyo wiggles his toes and grins at them. When the dust settles and Jiro has safely put the chainsaw away, there is a perfect hole in the kitchen counter.  
  
"There's got to be an easier way to do that," comments Hakkai.  
  
Jiro grins at him. "This way's fun, though."  
  
Ren laughs and gives him a nudge. "That's it. Your turn, Kei-kun."  
  
"Right," answers Keiji, apparently unfazed at the nickname. He bends down, inserting his upper body in the hole in the counter, and has a look around. He laughs. "There's enough cleaner in here to sterilize a city. Which one of you is a neat-freak?"  
  
"I doubt 'freak' is the right word," says Hakkai, "but I do like to keep things tidy."  
  
Keiji rights himself and grabs a flashlight from Ren. "Right," he answers, nodding sagely at Hakkai. He gathers the speaker and attached wiring from its box and drops it through the hole before diving back in.  
  
Gojyo chooses that moment to turn around. "Nice ass, whoever you are," he calls. Keiji's muffled snort echoes under the sink.  
  
"Oi, hope nobody's afraid of the dark, but we've got to cut off the power here. Where's the fuse box?" asks Keiji.  
  
Sanzo promptly answers, "All power? I'll handle it, then."  
  
The others watch in mild disbelief as the monk rises and walks off toward the bedrooms. Within moments, however, the lights go out.  
  
The only light comes from the flashlight in Keiji's mouth, and that is buried under a good four inches of tile on every side. Hakkai, Goku, and Gojyo can see quite well, but it is obvious from the pained silence that Jiro and Ren aren't faring so well.  
  
"You have to retain human form, you said," says Hakkai. "So what are you, really?"  
  
"Purebreed youkai, Jiro and me," answers Ren. "I'm sure you can guess Keiji."  
  
Gojyo gasps. "I know you! Hey, that bastard beat Sanzo to a pulp!"  
  
"Who doesn't?" responds Hakkai with a dry smile.  
  
"Yeah!" Ren agrees. "And it's not like we could stop him or he could stop himself."  
  
Jiro sighs. "Kinda depressing when you think about it."  
  
"Which," Goku solidly replies, "is why we often don't."  
  
There is a thunk, accompanied by an indecipherable word. "You okay in there?" asks Ren.  
  
"Nn," responds Keiji around the flashlight, and stands up with the flashlight still in his mouth. He spits it out, wipes it on his shirt, and nudges Ren.  
  
"Oi!" Ren calls, "Flip on the power now!"  
  
The lights come on, and Jiro sets to hooking the speaker to the cover that will rest on the counter. It is right next to the little slot and the red light. The speaker is already working, and Jiro turns the volume up to hear the announcement.  
  
"Testing," comes a highly generic voice. "There has been a Shortage of a most important kind. Residents are encouraged to ration thshkzzzzshhhhh..."  
  
Ren frowns. "Give it a thump, Jiro, it's cutting out."  
  
Jiro rolls his eyes and does as asked. The voice cuts back in. "...until further notice. Thank you."  
  
Hakkai looks to his friends. "Curious. I wonder what it is we should be rationing?"  
  
Ren hefts the box of tools while Keiji grabs the one that had once housed the speaker. "No charge, gents," Ren says with a wink. "Pleasure serving you. Good luck in the investigation about whatever you're supposed to be out of." Sanzo returns just in time to shut the door behind them.  
  
"Sanzo," Goku begins, "Do you - " He is cut off by another knock at the door.  
  
Sanzo opens it, ready for an irate inquisition of the Original Characters, but is met by Tenpou. The Marshall holds a few books under his arm.  
  
"Ah, I see you've finished the ones I've lent you!" Hakkai comments, taking the books from Tenpou.  
  
"Why, yes. 'Jingo', I think, was my favorite," adds Tenpou.  
  
Hakkai smiles. "It often is. Is there anything I can do for you?"  
  
Tenpou pauses a moment, then closes his eyes and rubs at the back of his head. "The shortage has been having averse affects on Konzen."  
  
"What shortage?" Goku asks, bursting with curiosity.  
  
Tenpou blinks down at him. "You don't know? Well, I suppose it's understandable seeing as you neither have women nor playful children," and here he pauses to chuckle, "in your apartment, but..."  
  
"Out with it," Sanzo snaps.  
  
Tenpou raises his eyebrows and answers, "Fine, then. There has been a most embarrassing mis-order in the toiletry department, and we have all received double rations of facial tissue. Inversely, bath tissue amounts were cut in half."  
  
The group is silent, until Hakkai clears his throat. "He means," he explains, "That we're dangerously close to being out of toilet paper."  
  
Goku flushes to the tips of his ears. At Tenpou's questioning glance, he mutters, "Thinking about Lirin and Yaone. Um."  
  
Tenpou nods. "Yes, so you can see the problem. The two are far too modest to go around asking for hand-outs, but until the paperwork is sorted out the problem will continue. It will get worse for all of us as it goes on, but the ladies are having the worst of it. And every once in a while little Goku will get bored and see how much he can flush before the paper breaks from the roll."  
  
Gojyo snorts. "And that's what's driving everybody crazy at your place?"  
  
"Oh, no," replies Tenpou. "Not at all. You see, Konzen is in charge of all of that paperwork. Because of that, he's not left his massage chair for a good five hours. I'm here to enlist a bit of aid in getting that paperwork done. And perhaps reversing any long-term damage all that stimulation must be doing to him."  
  
The fact that Tenpou could say that in cold blood brings a strange, entertained quirk to Gojyo's grin. "We know all about being over-stimulated," he says. "And Sanzo's the real thing plus half a century. We'd be happy to help."  
  
As they follow Tenpou out, however, Hakkai leans over to Gojyo. "You're going to sit back and watch as Goku and...Goku interact, aren't you?"  
  
Gojyo grins. "What else? And it'd just be wrong of me to interfere. I might muck it up worse, right?"

* * *

Notes: Yeah, Jiro, Ren, and Keiji are mine. They're appearing in a number of my fictions, but were actually important to the plot of "Cornerstone" despite their later cameos in "Blackjack" and now here. I use them because I keep forgetting to ask permission to use other OC's from other people, and I don't want to come off as too terribly rude. ;) Major thanks to OptiMoose for helping a ton with the ideas expressed in this chapter. Without her, the Great Toilet Paper Shortage would never have been created.  
  
Akiko Koishii: Thanks for your patience =) Hope you liked it!  
  
OptiMoose: The mental image of Konzen poring over a manual is way too cute. I decided to take pity on him, though, what with all the paperwork he's swamped with...  
  
Sussi: I _meant_ for your inner fangirl to react. That was my little fun bit. As for your pet peeve, I've got a funny feeling it isn't mirrored by the boys, lol.  
  
Me-Nuriko: I owe way too much to the MB. Heh. I think Ban/Sanzo conversations would be great to watch...behind a very, very safe barrier. o.O;  
  
KawaiiLilMarron: Well, what exactly _is_ the perfect chocolate sauce fic? I can always try ;) I've had good luck with food so far (Garlic, Chocolate Ears, and Cherry Fingers are all points in my favor!)  
  
Karu Leonnese: Oh, what Doku has will be revealed later on. OptiMoose thought of it, and it's too priceless to let alone. XD  
  
Sparrow319: Collin and Fox are _definitely_ my favorite pairing. Beyond any shadow of competition...I love Fox so hard. Heehee. But it's always good to wonder about Cy and Skids. Explanation of the references is in the author's notes at the beginning. I highly reccommend the book to anybody willing to read it.  
  
WildeLamassu: I was going for explosive nosebleeds. Ten points to Karot XD I'd target fanart if only it were fanfiction. Two very, very different things, especially because of such differences in artists' styles. I mean, the boys would have to change shape to pose o.O;  
  
Joonie: Putting the boys in a sundae would be cruel and unusual. They'd freeze their nads off. But Jell-O, now, that's pleasantly cool _and_ translucent!  
  
Cho Mizuki: I think you've severely frightened me. Poor Sanzo. As for the Sanzo-ikkou in NYC, though, I'm curious to see what you come up with. Lmao at the perfume sprayers...so true!  
  
Therhoda: The show... I'm having imagination fits and it's frightening. My brain's melting out my ears. Hm, I'll see what I can do with it ;)  
  
Incandescens: Thankee! 


	18. Adulthood

A/N: Breakroom is legally an adult, if chapter numbers mirror age. Let's pretend that they do. If none of this makes sense, then we've got to have a party to break in the virgins.

* * *

Somewhere, there is the stench of chlorine and makeup. There is the movement of feathers, of cloth, of plastic, of skin.  
  
Sanzo is soaking wet, sopping wet, dripping colored water onto the carpet. He makes it through the double doors first, but slips and has to steady himself against a wall. With one red-fingernailed hand, he swipes his hair out of his gorgeous eyes and curses. Kohl runs in streaks down his cheeks and neck to pool in the dip of his collar, right above a shimmering gold necklace with his name in flourished script. The sodden, pathetic feathers in his hair begin to fall out, bent at unnatural angles away from his head. The lipstick he wears is not his best color.  
  
When Sanzo slips, Hakkai is near enough to put both hands out to steady them both, and nearly stumbles as well. He is in much the same state of disarray, dripping and disheveled and flushed under his skin.  
  
"Damn it," Hakkai murmurs, his tone barely above a whisper, but Sanzo hears it and his eyes go wide.  
  
"N-!" he manages to cry before Hakkai pulls their frigid bodies together, singing in a voice he is straining to keep quiet. Hakkai continues to sing, his hair dripping cold water down Sanzo's neck, though it is all both of them can do to keep still and nearly silent.  
  
The double doors open once more, and admit Gojyo and Dokugakuji into the hallway. The two pay no mind to Hakkai and Sanzo, but bring their hands, then forearms, finally elbows together. Both are clad in silver, sleeveless suits with heavy gloves over their hands. Doku's hair is spiked forward, and Gojyo could ostensibly have been playing with a fork and a light socket. There is a weapon on Doku's belt.  
  
Goku wanders in, silent and curious, very much alive and clad in little more than a foot's worth of fabric. He wears a set of bunny ears on his head. He brings one dark hand to Sanzo's shoulder, and Sanzo immediately breaks from Hakkai's grasp. Sanzo hits the ground, on his knees before Goku, and fights with his own mouth.  
  
Gojyo grins, his makeup perfect and clashing with his eyes. "Sing it. You know you want to."  
  
The words come slowly at first, hissed through Sanzo's teeth, but when Goku inquisitively takes his hand, Sanzo is unable to hold back. "Chill me, thrill me, fulfill me...Creature of the Night..."  
  
Gojyo throws his head back to laugh, and Hakkai throws his body against the wall, aching at the sight of Sanzo and Goku. He cries out in betrayal and indignation, and the double doors swing open again.  
  
Nii Jenyi is resplendent, soaking wet, and steaming from a burn mark barely visible above his waistband. He walks with ease, if not grace, on the squelching carpet, and grabs Goku firmly by one bunny ear.  
  
"I thought you'd learned from the first time," he intones, and Goku's mouth gapes open in surprise and fear. Nii chuckles. "You know I can't resist that face." He strokes Goku's bunny ears and the golden-eyed child ventures a small smile.  
  
Gojyo elbows Doku, who reaches for the weapon at his belt with a snide grin. In a slithering, syncopated voice, he murmurs, "It always works best...when you're wet."  
  
False pearls leap from Nii's collar, and his arms jerk away from Goku. Dokugakuji puts the weapon back against his belt as Nii collapses to the ground. And gives a mighty twitch, his clothes drying and elongating into his normal lab coat. He gets to his feet, grins at the assembled party, and saunters toward his room.  
  
"Well, we know one way to fix this," Hakkai comments, looking down at himself. "Oh, dear."  
  
Gojyo is about to make a comment when the double doors open a final time. The procession is the strangest parade ever witnessed, but sparkling at the head is Yaone. She is dressed quite similarly to Hakkai and Sanzo, with the exception of a set of Mickey Mouse ears on her head. Gojyo finds his ability to talk seriously hampered by Yaone's ample bosom, which threatens to spill over the hem of her corset. The fishnets and garters suit her nicely, as the high heels give her a wobble to her walk. Unlike Hakkai and Sanzo, though, she is used to the posture, and merely steps gently over the floor. She is dripping wet, and has her arm linked with Kougaiji.  
  
The man would be bleeding all over the floor had he not been healed instantly upon leaving the world of fiction, and instead sports many scars. The leather jacket he wears is filled with punctures, and a tattoo is visible just below the end of his sleeve. Quite frankly, he looks extremely sick.  
  
Behind Kougaiji is a wheelchair, ridden by Tenpou and pushed by Konzen. Both are in dapper business suits, though the tartan draped over Tenpou's waist reveals a shapely leg clad in fishnet and pump. Gojyo can't help himself; he whistles.  
  
Tenpou raises his eyebrows at Gojyo, pulling the coke-bottle glasses a little further down on his nose. "Amazing what taking five hundred years off does for a body," Gojyo responds, nodding once toward Hakkai. While the man gives Gojyo a smile of exasperation, his kami counterpart openly chuckles.  
  
"To the matter at hand," Tenpou continues, noting the weariness of his companions, "We seem to be stuck."  
  
Doku snorts, and Gojyo grins at him. As one, they say, "Hot..."  
  
Kougaiji mumbles, strains, and lets go. He swings his arm around as if he were playing a guitar and cries, "I really love that Rock and Roll!" Yaone giggles girlishly and clings to his arm.  
  
Hakkai shoots Gojyo an admonishing glance. "I would suggest changing pairings to fix the problem, but..."  
  
Tenpou cuts him off with a wave of his hand. "Logically, it would never work. There's enough going on that we'd be caught in the circle of secondhand, even if Frank ishn't here anymaach." Tenpou winces, unable to fight down the exaggerated accent any longer.  
  
Sanzo, Hakkai, and Yaone, caught in the blast of constant climate control, are shivering pronouncedly. Kougaiji gives Yaone his jacket, and Tenpou passes his tartan to Sanzo and Hakkai. Goku stands near them, putting his hand on Sanzo.  
  
"There's always the other solution," Hakkai murmurs, holding his arm around Sanzo and the tartan over both of them. "It involves a lot of waiting and a lot of time in character."  
  
Tenpou and Konzen understand immediately, but both keep their mouths shut. Goku is helpless to do anything but. It takes the others a little bit longer, but Gojyo meets Goku's eyes and gasps. "No way!"  
  
Hakkai shakes his head. "I fear it's the only other way I know. We have to wait until we're each called into a different fiction. We'd have to break character to become another one."  
  
"That could...take...hours," sneers Doku, sliding his arm around Gojyo. "An awful...long...time to stay in. Character."  
  
Gojyo grins a bit under his brother's arm. "But you know, it could be pretty fun cuing people up. I mean, I don't think I'll ever get sick of Sanzo singing _'Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta_-touch me!'" Gojyo breaks off with a strangled sound, coughs once, and his hair falls down around his shoulders again. He is again merely Sha Gojyo, in the process of nearly being groped by his half-brother. He jumps away and then pats himself down. "Hey! Well what do you know."  
  
Tenpou nods. "Breaking ch...aracter," he says, forcing his speech into its normal cadence.  
  
Picking up for his counterpart, Hakkai nods and says, "Sing a song that wasn't yours, and you'll revert!" He clears his throat and, blushing only a bit, cries, "I'm just a sweet trans-vestite from TraaaanSEXUAL, Transylvania!" Hakkai is at once clean, dry, and clad in his regular garb. He adjusts his monocle and takes a bit of a sheepish bow.  
  
As one, Doku, Kougaiji, Yaone, and Tenpou crash into an off-key chorus of "There's a li-iiiight..." The wheelchair disappears, and one very surprised Tenpou crashes to the floor.  
  
Sanzo and Konzen glare at one another, but sing, "I'm going...home..."  
  
All that is left of the fiction is a gigantic puddle in the hallway carpet, and a very forlorn, mute, brief-clad Goku. He pouts dejectedly, unable to speak and rather embarrassed since everyone else had gone back to their regular costumes.  
  
As one, they all look at Goku with appraising stares. Kougaiji snaps his fingers. "Rocky came to life after the Time Warp, correct?"  
  
Gojyo grins. "Hey, yeah! That was a fun one, too. Come on, Goku, it's just a jump to the left..." Gojyo jumped and Goku mimicked the motion, stumbling a bit as per his character. "And then a step to the right." Again, Goku followed Gojyo's lead. Tenpou, who had long since gotten himself back into a standing position, smiled a bit and continued where Gojyo left off.  
  
Heaven's Marshall instructs, "Now, Goku, put your hands on your hips." Hakkai and Sanzo exchange disbelieving looks with two very different calibers of amusement.  
  
Gojyo grins at his new dancing partner and cries, "Then pull your knees in tight! Everybody now!"  
  
A door swings open further down the hallway and a scruffy, dark-haired head pops out. "Would you all _shut the_...Gensui?"  
  
"Ah, Kenren!" Tenpou greets, waving a bit and swinging his hips as Gojyo continues singing.  
  
The General eyes the crowd and grins a bit. "I think I'm kinda glad I got the day off."  
  
Goku finishes the dance and stumbles backward, landing on his butt as his regular clothes appear. Gojyo grins down at him and offers a hand. "Fun, huh?"  
  
Goku clears his throat, tosses his head from side to side, stands on tiptoe so he is nearly level with Gojyo's ear, and shouts, "NO!" at the top of his lungs.  
  
The redhead clamps both hands over his abused ear, already screaming profanities. Hakkai nods a thanks to Tenpou and bids Yaone and Kougaiji farewell before unlocking the door and letting the mess of wrestling limbs that is Gojyo and Goku through.  
  
A pleasant dinging sound and a red light heralds yet another fiction. Hakkai rubs his forehead and lets Sanzo get it. The blonde grabs the paper, scans it, and nearly collapses against the countertop.  
  
"Hakkai," Sanzo croaks, "They know about 'Shock Treatment'."

* * *

Notes: "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and its scrapped sequel, "Shock Treatment", are property of their owners, used without permission, and written without profit. In case I wasn't very clear, here are cast and character listings:  
  
Sanzo = Janet Weiss, Hakkai = Brad Majors, Nii = Dr. Frank-N-Furter, Dokugakuji = Riff Raff, Gojyo = Magenta, Yaone = Columbia, Kougaiji = Eddie, Tenpou = Dr. Everett von Scott, Konzen = The Criminologist, and Goku = Rocky Horror.  
  
WildeLamassu: Bad WL! Read Heller, you!! And you're right, my description of Pirate Hakkai was kinda Interview-ish, at least movie wardrobe wise. ;) As for King Meatbun...lol...I'm working on it.  
  
OptiMoose: That chapter was...all you. I owe you big. XD "Hogfather" Kicks booty, but is it weird if I love that book most for Teatime? Speared with a fireplace poker. Oh, baby, oh baby. As for Takeshi's Castle, I've actually _seen_ that show (albeit dubbed as "Most Extreme Challenge") and that thing is CRAZY!! I'd feel bad putting the boys through that...what an evil plotbunny ;P  
  
Me-Nuriko: Yeah, I felt kinda like making Gojyo real nasty...nobody seems to be able to do that to Hakkai, though, myself included. _[sweatdrop]_ And well, as for the OC's, p'raps "Cornerstone" was something the boys wanted to put out of their collective memories. Eh heh ;)  
  
Akiko Koishii: Glad you like.=)  
  
Sparrow 319: "Breakroom" is becoming mildly plot-oriented as opposed to a bunch of random chapters, so the feeling's going to change a bit. It's all because I have the next three planned out, though, and then the randomness just may return. I dunno, we'll see XD  
  
TheRhoda: We want...a SHRUBBERY! But I rather like the idea you have...I might tweak it a bit, though. Wahahaha...  
  
Joonie: Not yet, but sooooon. (When will _then_ be now? Soon!)  
  
Cho Mizuki: That last chapter was partly fanservice to -myself-, could you tell? XD I almost bought more Saiyuki DVD's yesterday but got "Cowboy Bebop: The Movie" instead. I know, I know, shoot the traitor. But it's ... so good ... _[can't get "Ask DNA" out of her head]_ No regrets. Nyah! 


	19. Break the Nineteenth

A/N: School has started, yes, but that shouldn't affect my writing. At least, not until I actually get into the whole having a full homework load thing. For everybody actually paying attention, the new buzzword is 'taxi' and you can make me happy by using it in your review. I have currently (and most deeply) become addicted to Mindless Self Indulgence. I'm not a fan; I'm a junkie. It's extremely bad for me. Little Jimmy Urine = violent and vulgar. In that good way.  
  
Much love to Scinthion for allowing me to take one of the more humorous points of "And Then There Were Five" and run. My e-mail is pretty hard to get the first time, love, and I wouldn't be surprised if you missed a letter (or added one) and thus couldn't e-mail me about said point. _[sweatdrop]_  
  
That said, n-joi. Glad y'all got a kick out of Rocky Horror last chapter. Hogwarts and all affiliated suchlike are property of Jo Rowling. Cower.

* * *

Somewhere, there are sounds of collisions, followed by the gentle patter of plaster dust crumbling from the walls. Someone coughs, wheezing desperately. "Oh, shit! Hey, are you okay?"  
  
Sanzo sinks to the ground, but shoves Goku away. "Fine," he hisses, glaring at the double doors that slowly swing shut. Plaster dust coats him, cascading in a gentle snow from the indent he left in the wall. "Fucking Malfoy and his fucking trigger happy kid..." he mutters, getting to his feet and taking slow, deep breaths. He has to pause to cough again.  
  
Hakkai puts his hand on Goku and examines the wall, chuckling a bit. "Well, you did happen to fail him."  
  
Gojyo grins. "It was worth it for the look on luscious Lucius' face, right?" He leans against the wall as Hakkai unlocks the door to their breakroom. "He glared at Sanzo with the fires of Hell burning in the depths of his eyes. Nearly died when his eyebrows got singed off."  
  
"The literal nature of stuff is great," Goku agrees with a laugh. "He blinks, there's a little poof, and all of a sudden his sockets are steaming 'cause the fire's gone out."  
  
Hakkai smiles, shoving the key into his pocket and letting the others inside the breakroom. "It is rather hard to keep character. I think I nearly dropped my wand when his eyes combusted in the first place."  
  
Gojyo opens his mouth, but his three companions silence him with very different looks that all quite clearly convey _no wand jokes_. He grins and busies himself with the pre-made sandwiches sitting on the kitchen counter. "The whole professor thing really got me, though. You," he points to Hakkai with a toothpick, "I understand, but the rest of us? At...pigzits? What was that place?"  
  
"Hogwarts, Gojyo," corrects Hakkai. He passes a napkin toward the redhead, and manages to get one into Goku's hand before the kid starts to eat as well.  
  
Sanzo snorts, lighting up. "Wouldn't let me smoke in there, damn it. And that annoying little boy, Harry Potter. Savior this, prodigy that."  
  
Hakkai smiles a bit. "It _was_ a school, Sanzo. The majority of the smoking came from failed transfiguration attempts." He decides it is against his best interest to point out some of the parallels between Sanzo and his pupil, Potter. "I had a rather good time, even if young Hermione seemed to be pretty enamored with me."  
  
Gojyo snorts. "Oh, you noticed, did you? She couldn't walk straight when you were in the room. 'Oh, Professor Cho! That wasn't even in our books! You must know _so_ much!'" Gojyo mimicks, batting his eyelashes. Goku snorts around his sandwich. "And was anybody else amused by the color coordination?"  
  
Hakkai raises an eyebrow. "Do you mean the fact that I sided with Slytherin house merely because my orbs are emeralds? Really, Goku, you have to stop laughing while you're trying to eat."  
  
Gojyo chuckles and smacks Goku on the back. The kid stops choking, but still sniggers around his food. "The orb thing reminded me," Goku explains after he has swallowed, "of Gojyo trying out Quidditch."  
  
Sanzo rubs his forehead. "Wands and broomsticks are off-limits, saru."  
  
"Still," Goku insists, "Puns aside. Dude, you were absolutely out of control."  
  
"Sort of like you in the Care of Magical Creatures class?" Gojyo retorts. "I seem to remember you nearly being carted off by what looked like monkeys with twice the amount of teeth." Gojyo pauses to snicker. "Think they figured you were one of them."  
  
Goku's mouth opens to argue but he is preempted by the cheerful chime and red light. Gojyo snaps his fingers, followed by Goku and Sanzo. Hakkai shakes his head and takes the paper, as if by his touching it he is condemned to leave and the others might stay. He skims the paper and sighs a bit.  
  
"No surprises here. We're becoming geometry scholars, boys." At the questioning looks he points to the paper and clarifies, "Love quadrilateral."

* * *

Goku and Gojyo grin madly at one another, arms laden with prizes purloined from the fiction they had left. Their clothes remain the same, but they have yet to revert and thus are allowed to play with the treasures stolen from the world of fanfiction. Goku has a solitary paddleball game, a set of roller skates, and a jump rope. Gojyo has a few dirty magazines, some candy, and a package of about thirty bouncy balls. This package he opens in the kitchen and watches in satisfaction as the little rubber spheres ricochet crazily off of every surface they hit. Goku sits on the couch, reasonably protected, and tries out the paddleball. On the third bounce, the tether breaks and the red rubber ball joins the multicolored minions already causing chaos.  
  
"Oh, man," says Goku, shoving his feet into the roller skates, "when Hakkai and Sanzo get back they're gonna _kill_ you."  
  
Gojyo takes a bite of a chocolate bar and pauses in his scrutiny of a centerfold to reply, "When we hear the door unlock, we'll force ourselves to revert and it all goes away. Enjoy it now."  
  
Goku gets unsteadily to his feet, testing the friction or lack thereof on his skates. "Sneaky," he comments, and holds his arms out to make sure he has his balance before gliding slowly over the carpet. A few of the bouncy balls have come to rest where Goku tries to step, and the brunet crashes unceremoniously to the ground. He picks a ball up and pitches it at Gojyo.  
  
"Ow!" cries Gojyo as the ball pegs him above the eye. "Yo, I'm having some private time with miss Grune if you don't mind.  
  
"Your Goddamn' bouncy balls are all over the place!" accuses Goku, resisting the urge to smirk as openly as Gojyo at the sound of the words in his mouth.  
  
"Well, _dear_, object of my unrequited passion," Gojyo says, stressing the supposed pairing, "if I make them go away, so go your skates." He picks up a bouncy ball from the counter and chucks it right back at Goku. "Deal, lovey."  
  
Goku grumbles and grabs the jump rope, crawling over to Gojyo and looping it about his neck. He pulls himself upright against the redhead, tightens the jump rope around the back of Gojyo's neck, and plants a chaste little kiss on the end of Gojyo's nose. Goku drops a few inches as the skates disappear. So go the bouncy balls, the broken paddleball game, the jump rope, the candy, and Gojyo's magazines.  
  
Gojyo growls, smacking Goku in the arm. "Damn it, I wasn't done reading those!"  
  
"Got a funny feeling you'll live, as opposed to me about to break my face with those stupid bouncy balls," Goku responds.  
  
Gojyo snorts. "Like the roller skates would have played _no_ part whatsoever in that."  
  
"Yeah, well, you were the one that gave 'em to me, if I remember," retorts Goku with a grin. "Trying to win my affections away from Sanzo."  
  
Gojyo rubs his forehead. "Don't remind me. We went around in a perfect square, you after Sanzo after Hakkai after me after you. That's definitely one fiction where I'm not looking forward to chapter two."  
  
Goku laughs. "Speaking of, how are the quints?"  
  
Gojyo puts a finger to his lips, shaking his head. "Sh, don't jinx it. I've been baby-free for a while now. Praying that there's been a loss of interest."  
  
Gojyo realizes he has made a mistake the instant Goku's eyes widen a fraction of an inch. And then Goku cries out at the top of his lungs, "Oh, but Gojyo, you make such a _good_ father! I'm sure the _babies_ miss you!!"  
  
It was when Gojyo had dived upon Goku, hands over the kid's mouth and legs wrapped around his torso, and the two had staggered around the room until finally coming to a wrestling rest on the couch, that Hakkai and Sanzo returned. From experience, they decided it was best not to ask questions.

* * *

Notes: Whee.  
  
KawaiiLilMarron: Great movie, ne? I actually have a friend who's dressed as Magenta for three Halloweens in a row...  
  
WildeLamassu: Poor cat! You can't make me pay! _[hides under couch]_ Meatbun will protect me! I really think I like the Hakkai/Tenpou interaction, and the way Gojyo acts when he's with both of them. It's definitely fun to write.  
  
OptiMoose: Heh, that must have been one fun meeting then. Hm, you've given me something to think about. I must go and ruminate now...  
  
TheRhoda: If I warn you it won't be any fun!!  
  
Joonie: Watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It will all make sense. As for tall Goku, that's about as odd as celibate Gojyo. We'll see though ;)  
  
Sparrow319: No, I haven't seen "Shock Treatment", I've only heard about it. I didn't think it had actually been made o.O;  
  
Nightfall Rising: I laughed aloud at your review. Hide me, Hide me. You're right - I should have added that in, but it really didn't occur to me. Oh, and I don't know about Tenpou's opinions on Vimes versus Holmes, but I love Vetinari's terrier best ;)  
  
Cho Mizuki: I love Ed's little songs - she's absolutely adorable. See, I've got On Demand too, but it's crappy or something because we hardly get anything On Demand. So, ehhh... But go rent/buy Rocky Horror because nobody can go through life without seeing it. At least four or five times. ;)  
  
Akiko Koishii: Glad you like!  
  
VG Terra: Um, well, I'm too young to legally drink and don't want to subject myself to copious amounts of hallucinogens, so I can safely answer 'no'. But you have given me an interesting thought about Oompa Loompas. ...  
  
Crimson1: Hey, at least you caught on at some point ;) And thanks! You flatter me too much _[blush]_


	20. Break the Twentieth

A/N: (_blinkblink)_ Whoa. I'm alive. I feel happy! I feel happy!  
  
It's been a long while, hasn't it? I've been inundated with art homework, home renovations, academia, community service, piano lessons, babysitting, and recently this wonderful humdinger of a cold that kept me from walking in straight lines. Oh, baby. So that's my excuse. I do still love you all, though.  
  
Today's buzzword is actually two: "Hot dog". Aside from using it in your review, I highly suggest you tool around deviantART looking for fanarts of that name. There are two in this particular set, and if Hot Dog doesn't get you, Hot Dog 2 will. Even _if_ Sesshoumaru non-canonically has both arms. (Aha, I see some lightbulbs clicking on already. Hot...Dog! As my addled friend commented, "The sexy is fluffier.")  
  
There was a **_PRATCHETT REFERENCE_** in the last chapter. And it seems nobody caught it. I sob!  
  
The song in this chapter is "Destino de Abril" by Green Car Motel. If you haven't heard of them, I suggest you go learn more.  
  
Wow, you guys, there have been so many reviews for this. I'm overawed. Don't stop XD Notes to my beloveds at the end of this chapter!

* * *

Somewhere, there is the roar so deafening it is stronger than adrenaline. The noise permeates the very center of every being within earshot, and sometimes farther. And then, with a loud grunt, they manage to close the double doors.  
  
The first to right himself is Goku, dressed in ripped jeans and yellow Doc Martens. He wears black suspenders and black leather gloves with studs on the knuckles. Idly twirling a glow-in-the-dark drumstick between dexterous fingers, he runs his free hand through his hair and dislodges some of the glitter that had fallen over him. The rest of his body is drenched in sweat, so the glitter adheres to his skin. Another side effect of this profuse perspiration is immediately noted when he stretches his sore arms above his head.  
  
"Arms _down_," Sanzo orders, looking utterly exhausted. His eyeshadow is smeared and the only remnants of his clothes are the few clinging strips of mesh on his arms and knee-high steel-toed boots. Leather straps loop about his neck, buckling beneath his left ear. His hair is long, shaggy, and streaked with black. His right nipple is pierced, and he is naked except for a desperate pair of black briefs. Where Goku is coated in fallen glitter, Sanzo had been forced to stage dive and is soaked with perfume, sweat, and the oil from hundreds of hands.  
  
Gojyo reaches out and offers the joint in his hand to Sanzo. "Gohead, it'll relax you like crazy."  
  
Sanzo bats it out of his hand, and Gojyo frowns bemusedly. "Geez, man, that's harsh." He leans back, jutting his hips forward so the bass guitar balanced against them swings. The bass itself is a riot of red and black, connected to Gojyo by a leather strap that dangles to the floor like a whip. The redhead's hair is tied back into a loose braid that hangs over his other shoulder, and a rakish, overlarge top hat is pulled down over one of his eyes. He is veritably clean, his skin not drenched with sweat but merely given a sheen from the heat of the stage lights. A black half-shirt is hiked far enough up his frame that the curves of his ribs are completely visible, and the neck dips low due to the attached hood. His pants are overlarge, dripping with chains and falling from his frame to reveal a pair of chili pepper boxers. The joint he offered to Sanzo is the only one he has.  
  
"Gojyo, that stuff reeks," complains Goku, his arms stolidly at his sides. He reaches up with one stiff elbow to try and brush some of the glitter off of his shoulder.  
  
Hakkai smiles. "That's just because you aren't used to it," he responds diplomatically, swinging his guitar over his shoulder. It is beautiful, an electric axe in silver and green that hangs from a strap embroidered with white and red roses. Hakkai himself is a gorgeous travesty to the working man, wearing torn mesh beneath a white Oxford shirt with holes in the elbows and only two of the buttons done. There is a maroon tie threaded through his belt loops, though the taut leather needs no impetus to stay molded around his skin. His feet are bare. Instead of a monocle, he wears tortoise-shell glasses. When he speaks, there is a clicking noise.  
  
Gojyo grins lasciviously. "Want some help getting used to that tongue stud?" Hakkai smiles politely and shakes his head.  
  
Sanzo growls at Gojyo's idiocy, and his battered vocal chords cause a hiccup in the tone. Goku tries very hard not to giggle.  
  
"Mmm. Puberty," says Gojyo, and grabs a drumstick out of Goku's hand. With a flourish, he beats the top of his own hat and returns to normal.  
  
"My," Hakkai murmurs, "that was certainly...an experience."  
  
Sanzo rubs his temples. "My ears will be ringing for weeks."  
  
If they had been in a fiction, Sanzo's words would have cued an ominous crescendo from the orchestra pit.

* * *

Gojyo stretches out on his own bed, fanning a handful of jewel cases like cards. He closes his eyes, picks one at random, and smiles at it. Into the stereo system it goes, and with the click of a button the music pours into the room. Through trial and error, Gojyo has learned not to trust every compact disc that has been given him. He does not have particular taste, but he does know what he does not like. Most often, these are the songs that appear in fictions. This day, however, he settles into some old favorites, knowing melody if not lyric.  
  
Gojyo, as the rest of his roommates, has spoken nearly every language at one point or another during a fiction. He only understands one, and during the others he lets his body take control and say the words for him without passing through the brain. There is no meaning to him, and even the words he does know hold no weight in the world of fiction. However, this song lends to him a small desire to pay attention to the next potential Spanish lesson he encounters. Mourning and sweet, the music feels hot inside, buoyed by guitar and drum. He can only guess at a few cognates, and the title. It has to have something to do with April.  
  
Suddenly, in the middle of his Chicano reverie, there is a gunshot. Gojyo glares at the wall and reaches over to the volume knob on his stereo.

* * *

Goku bounces in his seat, the controller heavy in his sweating hands. It has taken him hours of work and an open player's guide to do it, but he is a mere task away from completing Final Fantasy X at _one hundred percent_. His golden eyes blur with images of handsome Tidus, lovely Yuna, goofy Wakka, buxom Lulu. He has saved Yuna from Seymour time and time again, played competitive Blitzball in tournament after tournament, ridden more chocobos than can be good for Tidus' poor thighs. Beside him, waiting for the completion of its counterpart, rests the untouched box for Final Fantasy X-2.  
  
Goku hardly gets any time to play his games, busied by fiction and food. When he does have free time, it is often the case that Gojyo does as well, and he prefers not to have a spectator or competitor in the room. Concentration is the most vital part of Goku's gameplaying, and the unlucky passerby that disrupts it is often on the wrong end of a very angry glare. Goku, of course, cannot be bothered to actually -pause- the game and give chase, because that would be even worse.  
  
He is one button-stroke away from completing the power-up to his favorite attack, when a gunshot shatters his precious concentration. He misclicks and the attack is voided. With a loud snarl, he slams on the volume controls for his television.

* * *

Sanzo is not allowed more than one luxury. He originally asked for a television out of a sense of curiosity and the possibility of having multiple news stations. Now, he would much rather have a week-old newspaper stained with coffee rings and torn at the corners. The news stations only broadcast at certain points of the day, and important pieces are swamped with local exploits and hours of useless commercials. Still, today is interesting.  
  
He sits cross-legged on his bed, the remote control in his hand. He flicks between two stations, each providing a different point of view on a political hostage situation. The villain fires two warning shots. _Click_. The villains cower in fear of their righteous captors. _Click_. The innocent lawmakers are in danger of being killed by the heathen- _Click_. Look at how they tremble in fear!  
  
Sanzo rubs his cigarette out in the ashtray by his knee, sighing in despondence. It would be interesting to analyze the situation from an uninvolved viewpoint, but both stations are adulterated beyond repair. Still, it is kind of fun to contrast the radical extremes.  
  
Just as the anchor is about to say something new, a great raucous din covers her words. There is manly screaming and a syncopated drum beat. Sanzo frowns in agitation and hits the little arrow on his remote.

* * *

Hakkai sits calmly in the den, his ears stuffed with cotton. In his lap rests an open book. Periodically, he turns the page. Around every three pages or so, he glances over his shoulder to make sure he has not missed a red light.  
  
Even with his ears blocked, Hakkai feels the vibrations of the front door being pounded upon. He sighs, marks his place, and goes to greet the visitor.  
  
Kougaiji is sleep-mussed, his hair pushed up on one side. An oversized black t-shirt hangs from his lean frame, as do plaid pajama pants. He wears bunny slippers so worn with age that between them the bunnies have two eyes to share. Kougaiji is angry.  
  
"Can you _please_ keep it down?" he asks, trying not to shout to be heard over the ruckus.  
  
Hakkai pulls the cotton from his ears and smiles helplessly at Kougaiji. "I would love to, but it is out of my control."  
  
Kougaiji rubs his forehead. "I was trying to sleep. It's impossible with all of that noise."  
  
"I'm very sorry, Kougaiji-san," responds Hakkai, "but I've learned that it's impossible to stop the war once it has started. It should die down once they lose interest."  
  
"When might that be?" asks Kougaiji, a flicker of hope in his eyes.  
  
Hakkai shrugs. "Two or three hours at the most." At the expression on Kougaiji's face, he gives a sympathetic smile. "Would you like some cotton?"  
  
Kougaiji puts up a hand. "No, no thank you. I'm sure Yaone has earplugs, or perhaps some concoction to make me deaf."  
  
"I hope it's only temporary," says Hakkai, and waves as Kougaiji staggers back to his own room. No sooner does Kougaiji disappear than another door opens. Tenpou saunters into the hallway and, upon seeing Hakkai, grins.  
  
"I see you're getting complaints," he says in greeting. "Having a bit of a media frenzy?"  
  
Hakkai smiles tiredly. "You could say that. It does not happen often, but when it happens, it really _happens_."  
  
Tenpou chuckles. "Quite. At the risk of sounding like a drug dealer, I've got something that can take all of your problems away."  
  
"At the risk of sounding like a junkie, I'll take anything you've got." Hakkai smiles genuinely as Tenpou laughs. The Marshall holds up a finger and walks back to his own room. A few moments later he returns, with little Goku in tow.  
  
"Goku-chan, I'd like you to find...the fuse box."  
  
Blessed silence fills the air for a few stunned seconds, and then the shouting begins.  
  
"Care to return with us?" asks Tenpou, holding a hand out to Hakkai.  
  
The brunette looks between his friends' bedrooms and the emptiness of the hallway. Little Goku tugs helpfully at his sleeve. It does not take him long to make a decision.

* * *

Notes: It'd help if you'd read "The Great Toilet Paper Crisis" to know of Goku's innate ability. Nobody else can fit in the linen closet quite as well XD  
  
WildeLamassu: Heh. Professor Cho of Slytherin indeed. Rowr. Well, hopefully this one's not as rough, but cut me slack 'cause I'm sick ;)  
  
Sparrow319: I hope you remember your suggestion too! Drugs taste like candy. Or maybe that's Pixy Stix...  
  
OptiMoose: Major points for you! Carried over from TP Crisis too, 'cause you're the only one who used the buzzword there as well. Just to let you know, "...ghni" is a Pratchett reference: the sound Vlad de Magpyr made when Agnes kneed him in the voonerables. See: "Carpe Jugulum" XD 'Bouncy Balls' was _meant_ to send your brain to the streets. Mwahaha.  
  
KawaiiLilMarron: I am going to do a lot more with the stereotypical-four/five-bish series...already had them talk about Gundam Wing (those poor boys_ (shudder)_)...but I'm quite afraid of putting Gojyo and Youji in the same room o.O;  
  
TheRhoda: Points for you! Yay! Full Monty is...in my .txt file of ideas. Eh heh.  
  
Akiko Koishii: Thanks. Funny, maybe, but never funn-iest. XD  
  
Me-Nuriko: Broomsticks are actually complete metaphors for something masculine. (That, as Pratchett so helpfully states, is a total phallusy.) As for love squares, depending on the amount of canon characters, love polygons are boundless...!  
  
Joonie: Points for you! Yaay! Yeah, Pigzits was a real half-assed joke on my part XP Heeh. They revert when the pairing or some major status quo of a fiction is altered. Like here, Gojyo is the bass player in the band, so when he starts playing drums reality reasserts itself and the glitch is no more.  
  
Cho Mizuki: Goodness, you wrote a lot. This chapter is dedicated partly to you, if you didn't guess XD  
  
Karu: Points for you! Yay! Woo. Get back up now, that sounded like it hurt...  
  
Kitsune-oni: Glad you finally came on over and checked it out. Nice to 'meet' you!  
  
Nightfall Rising: Okay, your pokage reminded me I hadn't worked on this in a while. You get a cookie, even if it's reluctant. Thanks for the brownies, by the by. Brownies heal _everything_...and my imagination worked overtime on the TP crisis - I couldn't help but not leave it up to yours...if you can possibly understand that mash of terrible grammar right there o.O; 


	21. Swig

A/N: It is 9:42 on the night of Saturday, September 25. I note this because I don't know when I'll be able to actually upload "The Breakroom" and, well, I'd like it to be known that I'm not dead! My computer (as in the archive for all of my writing, the box in my bedroom, my single link to the internet through the particular e-mail I use for eff eff dot net and the pathway for all of my digital communication) is currently unhooked from the family network of about seven computers (Hey, my mom builds them when she's bored.) I had, at some point on the day of September 19, run into a particularly virulent patch of malware/spyware/evilness that has completely overrun my internet settings. It's happened to a few other people at my mother's workplace, and it all has to do with having previously installed the handy dandy Google Toolbar. If you have this toolbar and you haven't yet run into the begin2search bastard, I suggest you uninstall the toolbar until the threat goes away. That seems to be its main turning point. Anyway, this means that while my mother and I fight with the override, I've had no internet connection aside from checking the answers to my calculus homework on the main computer. I basically have to disappear off of the map until this problem is resolved. Speaking of calculus homework, real life is also quite consuming. I love my advanced art courses, but working on four pieces at a time doesn't leave me much time to myself, especially coupling that with calculus and college-level English. So while I have been lauded as a speedy updater, that's going down the drain. I'm a freakin' overachiever. Heh. So much for a spotless record XP.  
  
ANYWAY, today's new buzzword is 'manstick' - seriously, don't ask, but it still gives me the giggles. Hot dog!  
  
"Much Ado About Nothing" belongs to Shakespeare, and fizzy sake really does exist. I just forget the brand name. XP.  
  
Sorry that was so long! Enjoy chapter 21.

* * *

Somewhere, there is the undignified huffing, the sharing of breath. And then Sanzo reaches up and grabs Gojyo's collar, audibly growling as he shoves the redhead against the nearest wall. Sanzo pins Gojyo with the length of his body, their noses mere centimeters from touching. The hall is dark enough that Sanzo can barely make out the outlines of Gojyo's striking features, and Gojyo's hanyou eyes can more easily appreciate the beauty before them.  
  
"It is _not_ my fault," Gojyo snarls, grabbing Sanzo's forearms to keep an elbow from imbedding itself in his ribs. "If you'd kept your godsdamn' TV down..."  
  
"Oh, like I was expected to endure the senseless tinkering you call music over a bit of actual news!" Sanzo responds, sarcasm dripping from his words. "Forgive me for wanting an external link!"  
  
Gojyo shakes his head. "You and the monkey, gunshots all the time! It's bad enough you're violent in person without playing it on your screens, too!"  
  
Sanzo growls, pushing harder against Gojyo so that the redhead slams into the wall and loses his breath. "I'll _show_ you violent, you - "  
  
"Uh, am I interrupting something important?" asks Goku, coming to their sides. He has no trouble at all with the darkness, every sense acutely attuned to his surroundings. "It'd be better if you could help me find the fuse box and we'll play the blame game later."  
  
Gojyo deflates, though with Sanzo's weight upon him this is not quite obvious. "Hakkai knows where it is, I'm willing to bet."  
  
Sanzo lets go of Gojyo's shirt, wiping his hands on his robes. Gojyo rubs the back of his neck, wincing a bit. Sanzo mutters, "Then find Hakkai."  
  
Goku looks sheepish. "He's gone, though. Don't know where."  
  
"Then we wait for him to come back," Sanzo declares, as if speaking to a very small child. Sanzo does not have much of a way with children. This never matters.  
  
"What, in the dark?" cries Gojyo with a frown. "Look, he rarely has fictions on his own, so he's gotta be around here somewhere. I'm going to go out and look."  
  
Goku grins wryly. "Or, if you don't find Hakkai, maybe you'll find yourself in some other good company?"  
  
"So you're coming, then?" asks Gojyo with a wink and a laugh. Goku shrugs and follows him, and they leave Sanzo in the dark.  
  
Gojyo blinks against the brightness of the hallway and looks around. "You wanna start over there," he points across the hall, "and I'll start this way?" Gojyo is already walking toward the apartment to their left when Goku grabs his arm.  
  
"Hakkai's not with Homura. I'll start over _there_." He points to the door across from Gojyo's target. The redhead chuckles but refrains from teasing Goku for the moment. He knocks on the door and listens for any activity within.  
  
The door swings slowly open, and a muzzy, frustrated Kougaiji stares piercingly into Gojyo's face. He then contorts into an expansive yawn.  
  
"Whoa, sorry, but have you seen Hakkai?" asks Gojyo, bemused at Kougaiji's messy state. He understands the handsome youkai must at some point have a bit of down time, but he never realized he would look so ...inelegant... while doing so.  
  
Kougaiji pauses, clears his throat, and answers, "Only in your apartment. Now if you will excuse me..."  
  
"By all means," replies Gojyo, startled into polite speech by the eloquence issuing from his sleep-muddled neighbor. Kougaiji nods and closes the door. Gojyo hears the lock click.  
  
"Oh, my," a deep, teasing voice says. "The poor man never seems to get any rest, does he?"  
  
Gojyo turns around, smiling into Tenpou's face. "Hello, there."  
  
Goku pokes his head out from around Tenpou's waist. Then, Goku pokes his head around from the other side of Tenpou's waist. "Hakkai's in here," says Goku, just as Goku cries, "Gojyo-chan!" and rushes out to meet the redhead across the hall.  
  
"Hush, chibi," says Gojyo, ruffling the kid's hair. "There are folks around here trying to sleep."  
  
"O-kay, Gojyo-chan, but you're coming in with Goku-san, right?" asks Goku, bouncing on the balls of his feet.  
  
"Sure," says Gojyo, "if Ten-chan says it's okay." This makes Goku turn bright, golden, naïve eyes on Tenpou in the kid's best impression of a pleading puppy. Tenpou relents after a few moments of mock deliberation.  
  
Gojyo walks into their apartment, looks around, and grins a bit. Hakkai is blushing politely from his seat at one end of a low card table. At the other end sits Kenren, leaning heavy on his elbow on the table and leering at Hakkai.  
  
Tenpou looks at them and laughs. "Taishou, you're going to alarm the poor man."  
  
Hakkai raises his eyebrows at that, and as Kenren throws his head back to laugh, murmurs, "You obviously know nothing of my roommates."  
  
At the reminder, Goku gasps. "Hey, Gojyo! What about Sanzo?" he asks, poking the redhead in the side.  
  
Gojyo twitches, trying not to reveal a minor ticklish spot lest the two Gokus decide to be opportunistic, and says, "Well, why don't you get him if he matters so much?"  
  
Goku bounces excitedly. "Can we go get Sanzo-chan? Really? Let's go!"  
  
Goku humors his counterpart. "Of course. Come on, you," he says, taking Goku's hand and walking him outside. "Before you explode or something."  
  
Gojyo sidles over to Hakkai and bends down to talk into the man's ear. "Tell me where the fuse box is or no nookie for a week."  
  
Hakkai laces his fingers together and responds, "It'll be a nice vacation, don't you think?" He smiles and pats Gojyo's cheek as the others laugh. "Open door," he apologizes, not once trusting himself to look at Gojyo's face for fear of dissolving into giggles. "It's in back of the linen closet. I'll admit I had a bit of help in the sabotage."  
  
Tenpou puts his hands in the air. "Benedict," he hisses to Hakkai.  
  
"You're a bastard, withholding sex," Kenren says, pointing at Gojyo, "fox that you are. Come on, 'The world must be peopled!', right?"  
  
Hakkai laughs dryly, a few mild chuckles. "I get it. Clever, Kenren-san, very clever." At the blank look radiating from Gojyo, he explains, "Bene_dict_ becomes Bene_dick_, cue the line from Shakespeare."  
  
"Such ado," Tenpou mutters, "Over nothing at all."  
  
"Stop the puns," orders Konzen, making his presence known. He sits on the couch, and must look over his shoulder to see the others in the room.  
  
"The question really is," Kenren says, "the question is, to stop or not to stop?" At the pained groan from Gojyo and the three sets of eyes upon him ranging from irked to not-as-amused-as-before, he adds, "Okay, done now. Couldn't resist. Open door, right?"  
  
Kenren winks at Hakkai, and Hakkai blushes again. Tenpou snorts a bit, finding the exchange hilarious. The door opens, and the two Gokus drag Sanzo into the room. The smaller holds Sanzo's hand, despite the blonde's attempts to free the appendage, and the larger is trying not to look amused. Sanzo is smoking.  
  
Tenpou pulls out a cigarette and passes it to the blonde. Without a word, Sanzo uses the end of his own cigarette to light Tenpou's. Goku closes the front door behind them, and Konzen tries to look inconspicuous. This does not work.  
  
Once around Konzen, it is difficult to tell the two Gokus apart aside from their clothing. The elder Goku is almost as adoring, and equally as energetic, as his younger counterpart. They shower Konzen with attention, asking questions and talking both to one another and him. Konzen does not look at Sanzo, and Sanzo is glad not to be the center of their attentions any more.  
  
"Well, looks like we've got a party going on in here," says Kenren. "What say I break out the sake?"  
  
"None for Goku," says Sanzo automatically, looking over to the brunettes on the couch.  
  
"That's house policy," Tenpou responds with a smile as Kenren goes off to his own room. "Kenren gets all the best liquor, from new experiments to aged beauties. It's mostly sake, but every once in a while we get something like Tequila. That was interesting," Tenpou adds, grinning a bit and not looking at anyone.  
  
Gojyo whistles through his teeth. "Damn, he's got to have a liver of steel."  
  
Tenpou chuckles. "Very true. It's nearly impossible to get Kenren drunk."  
  
"We know how _that_ is," responds Gojyo in a confidential manner. He points at Hakkai and rolls his eyes.  
  
"Really, now?" asks Kenren, emerging from the hall with a few jugs under each arm. "I smell a challenge coming on!"  
  
"Oh, I really couldn't impose..." Hakkai tries to back out of it. "And really, a contest with sake?"  
  
Kenren leers at Hakkai. "What? You don't like drawing it out?" Sanzo and Gojyo tense a bit, but both Hakkai and Tenpou laugh it off. "You on an empty stomach?"  
  
"Near enough," replies Hakkai. "I really can't persuade you otherwise?"  
  
"You were trying to persuade me otherwise? Don't worry, I'll go easy on you 'cause you're easy on the eyes." He grins over to Gojyo. "How _do_ you stand it?"  
  
Gojyo shrugs. "Daily exercise. I call judge!"  
  
Hakkai raises his eyebrows. "How does one judge a drinking contest?"  
  
"Making sure you two down shots at the same time, checking for cheating, calling the ending, and taking frequent samples to make sure there's no foul play going on." Gojyo grins. Kenren laughs and grabs six shot glasses, passing them around.  
  
"Aw, come on, Sanzo," Goku whines, leaning over the couch to stare balefully at the monk.  
  
The response is sharp and final. "No."  
  
Gojyo laughs. "You've got no stomach for it, saru! You pass out."  
  
Goku blushes like a fire engine and, grumbling, sits back down on the couch. The younger Goku is yawning despite his best efforts and settles into a bit of a doze curled up on the couch next to Konzen. The blonde kami engages in a soft conversation with Goku, mainly explaining themselves to one another. Their words are curious, openly so in Goku's case, and while Konzen does not ask many questions, Goku does most of the talking.  
  
At the card table, Kenren and Hakkai are ready. Tenpou and Sanzo lean against the kitchen counter, and Tenpou is directly behind Hakkai so he can keep an eye on Kenren. Gojyo is perched on the armrest of the couch, between Hakkai and Kenren. Tenpou and Sanzo have their shot glasses of sake, but sip sparingly.  
  
Gojyo downs the first shot at the same time as Hakkai and Kenren. "That's one. How many more to go?"  
  
"As many as it takes, I suppose," Hakkai responds. "This is rather nice," he comments, motioning to the jug.  
  
"Isn't it though?" Kenren holds his glass still while Gojyo refills it. "Grabbed a few of my favorites. Don't worry about me running out," he tilts his head back and drains the glass. "Two. I've always got more."  
  
Conversation dies.  
  
Pour.  
  
Drink.  
  
Slam.  
  
"Three."  
  
Pour.  
  
Drink.  
  
Slam.  
  
"Four."

* * *

Tenpou and Sanzo, still idly nursing their first glasses, watch as the first man to show the effects of liquor upon his system is the judge. Hakkai and Kenren know it, too, as they wait for new shots to be poured by unsteady hands. Tenpou finally sets his glass on the counter and comes to Gojyo, placing his hands over the redhead's to steady them.  
  
"My turn," he says, nudging Gojyo out of the way.  
  
"Hey hey hey hey this's my job! Get'cherown." Gojyo swipes at the jug, completely misses, and topples backward.  
  
"Oi, Goku," says Sanzo apathetically.  
  
Goku rolls his eyes and gets up, grabbing Gojyo and hoisting the groaning kappa over his shoulder. "Where to?"  
  
"Pick a bedroom," responds Tenpou. Goku huffs and half-carries, half-drags Gojyo down the hall.  
  
Tenpou chuckles a bit. "Now, where were we?"  
  
"Some ungodly number," responds Hakkai.  
  
Kenren laughs, catching the jab. "You're competitive in there somewhere. Counting doesn't matter."  
  
"Okay."

* * *

"Hakkai is going to kill Kenren in the morning," comments Sanzo, watching the two of them sway some time later. This is the first time he has seen Hakkai credibly drunk, and it has been a very slow process. Each competitor had to take a few bathroom breaks to manage it, but the contest is near its end.  
  
Tenpou shrugs. "They're big boys; they can take it. Kenren may kill himself."  
  
Konzen turns his head. "If he continues to sing, I may get there first."  
  
"Aw-w where'sh your sense of...of...of...sense of?" Kenren asks, and Hakkai giggles. It is not much, but the higher note is definitely evident in his voice.  
  
Goku leans over the back of the couch. "When's this end anyway?"  
  
"When a head dips below the level of the table," Tenpou responds, "or one of them cries 'uncle'."  
  
"Good luck with that," responds Goku with a snort.  
  
"It's late," says Konzen, rising. "Goku, help me put Goku to bed?"  
  
"Yeah, sure," responds Goku, reaching over and easily gathering the small, recumbent form into his arms. They walk slowly and softly to Goku's room, and Konzen turns down the sheets. When the little boy is securely, serenely tucked in, he stirs and makes a knot of bedsheets for a nest. Goku smiles, feeling oddly childish himself.  
  
Konzen frowns. "One more thing."  
  
"Mm?" murmurs Goku, still looking down to the sleeping mess of fabric and boy.  
  
"You put Gojyo in _my_ bed."  
  
"Oh, uh, sorry?" says Goku, rubbing the back of his head.  
  
"Sorry doesn't cut it. Come with me."

* * *

As Goku lugs Konzen's new and improved massage chair from Konzen's bedroom to the young Goku's, the contest is decided. The massage chair is barely plugged in before Sanzo comes looking for Goku.  
  
"Geez, all you people want from me is heavy lifting," Goku mutters, but smiles a bit. He turns to Konzen. "So you're gonna sleep in that thing?"  
  
Konzen nods. "It is meant to be comfortable. I'll manage."  
  
As they walk away, Sanzo mutters, "What is it with you and him?"  
  
"Jealous?" Goku smiles a bit as Sanzo snorts and looks away. "I don't see him much and it was kind of like when you got me out of the mountain. The first few weeks where I didn't want to be away from you? It's like that when I'm with him, and I don't spend all that much time with him so I don't get used to it. Sort of like how you let Goku hold your hand. You don't let _me_ hold your hand."  
  
"Shut up and grab Hakkai."  
  
Goku does as ordered, and turns to see Tenpou doing much the same with Kenren. "Don't worry about this guy," Tenpou says with a grin, "That's the most fun he's had in weeks. We'll all hear about it in the morning, though. Goku and I will come by then to help with the fuse box."  
  
"Thank you," says Sanzo, and the phrase surprises both Goku and Tenpou. Tenpou nods, and Goku follows Sanzo out into the hallway.

* * *

Gojyo awakens to extreme pain, a throbbing in his forehead, as if the top of his head is being torn off. He tries to sit up and finds he is unable. He winces, groans, and reaches up to find his hair tightly braided and tied around some wooden poles. He opens his eyes.  
  
The bedroom is modestly furnished, with a large desk and two doors. One, Gojyo realizes, is the door to the safe he had seen during a rather memorable fiasco. The other is the door out into the rest of the apartment, and that door is open.  
  
Gojyo lays on his back on the bed, and he realizes his head is tethered to the headboard. Tenpou comes in through the open door.  
  
"Ah, you're awake," he observes, chuckling a bit. "I see Goku had a bit of fun with you before leaving you alone."  
  
"Wha' happened?" asks Gojyo, managing after some effort to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth.  
  
Tenpou shrugs. "Oh, you passed out after a brilliant display of judging, and by some random chance ended up in Konzen's bed. I tell you, though, Kenren was amused the most by you. You were very entertaining."  
  
Gojyo shuts his eyes tight, painfully aware of how he is when under the influence of alcohol, and wonders at the vagueness of Tenpou's words. He does not remember much, but what he does remember involves a lot of flirting on Kenren's part. "Entertaining?"  
  
Tenpou nods. "Oh, yes. Kenren got quite a kick out of you. After all, you two are supposed to be the same person, right? We could only stand the masturbation jokes for so long."  
  
Gojyo's throat goes dry. "So I...?"  
  
Tenpou laughs. "You passed out. Goku lugged you in here and tied your hair to the bed. End of story. But hey, open door, right?"

* * *

Notes: That last part is totally credited to OptiMoose - she sent me the picture that inspired the entire scene. I am also making slow progress on a fanart entitled "Strip Drinking" - or the other way this chapter could have gone. When it's done I'll let you know XD  
  
'Nother note: While I am posting this chapter, it's on a different computer. Reviews and suchlike won't be seen, and I don't think I'm going to be very active on the messageboard either. Sorry.  
  
Sparrow319: Points for you! Yay! I _am_ feeling much better, health-wise, thanks for the good vibes. I'm saving the cough drop for a rainy day ;) Glad you liked sleepy Kougaiji. I love him too. Aww.  
  
WildeLamassu: Yeah, okay, so everything's a Pratchett reference XD I can't help myself, honestly. Punk Rock Flavored Hakkai...ooh. It's so fun to dress him up. I haven't seen "Velvet Goldmine" but I'll put it on my to-do list.  
  
OptiMoose: Points! You're just lighting up the scoreboard, you know that? The Chibi-Goku solution was definitely quite important, but now I kind of wish I'd let sleepy-Kou have his fireball fight XD  
  
Joonie: Yes, you are! The gunshots are from the hostage situation on Sanzo's news program - sorry I didn't make that clear. I was being lazy and impressionistic XP And yeah, they were shouting because the power went bye-bye. Oh, and points. Nice, sneaky way to put that in the review. Let them eat wieners! ...The SAUSAGE kind...  
  
Therhoda: Eeq, thy mental capacity! It burns! Puntos para ti ;)  
  
Blades of Ice: Glad you're still enjoying everything - reviews don't have to be constructive all of the time ;) It really makes me happy that you dropped a line, though. Glad you liked TP Crisis, too. Heeeh.  
  
Nightfall Rising: I like dressing them up. I shall go to hell for it, but I love dressing them up. Waha. Lol, I didn't take the seiyuu's vocals into account - I just kind of went with what the personality types felt like. Sanzo would never be a frontman if he had a choice, but when does the music industry give you a choice? Okay and so his seiyuu is lovely-sounding...I got lucky XD Don't apologize for the poke - it was quite helpful. Makes me feel needed ;) Glad you're enjoying ...and the mental image of Sanzo 'howling like Zeppelin' will haunt me for at least another twenty minutes...  
  
Karu Leonesse: Points! Heeeh...rechargeable, huh? Hmmm...-_unduly inspired-_  
  
Cho Mizuki: Thanks for the cookies ...and clean your foot, will you? Lol! Heh, Hakkai does kind of look like Rivers Cuomo, now that you mention it, but only if you're _reaaaally_ looking for it!  
  
Akiko Koishii: Sort of -.-; Only not really. I get what you're saying, though, heh. S'long as I'm funny somehow, right?  
  
Me-Nuriko: Many, many, MANY points for your inclusion of the secret word. That mental image is FRIGHTENING. And really _really_ kinky. That's really all I have to say. (GET ME SOME MUSTARD!!!)  
  
Jadesword: Glad you're enjoying everything, and the mention of "Cherry Fingers" was nice, too. Aww, my 'serious' fics are still being read. XD Everybody's guilty of something I've parodied, especially me, so no worries. Thanks for offering up your fiction to the slaughter - if I ever do find inspiration, I'll be sure to credit you and your generosity!  
  
Asian-Orange: Goodness, a parody of parodies? That's like standing between two mirrors o.O;; Glad to have you onboard...Rocky Horror is one of my favorite parodies, too XD 


	22. Break the Twenty Second

A/N: Happy October, everybody! My internet situation is still odd, at best - due to the fact that I did manage to screw my system over, we're still rebuilding. The funniest part about it is that my computer and the main network computer don't see each other. What does that mean? Well, I get internet connection and e-mail, but can't execute any network functions like sharing or use of printer and scanner. And I think my computer has some funny block against messageboards because I can log on to eff eff dot net just fine...but the author mb eludes me. My computer crashes every time I try to log on!!  
  
In happier, shibbier news, I just received an e-mail request and..."Breakroom" will be translated into Chinese...!! This, for me, is _insanely_ cool. I bow to KaKa in disbelief at the altruism involved in taking this project on.  
  
Now to explain last update's buzzword. Everything, and I mean everything, is funnier when you add the word "man" to the beginning of it. So say Chris (aside to p3c: Topher!) and Eric. And, well, while "mandoor" and "manpoodle" are pretty good, "manstick" had me going for a good minute or two.  
  
For this week's infuriatingly-hard-to-sneak-into-the-review buzzword, I give you "tweezer". I can't wait to see what people come up with. Bwahaha.  
  
Warner Brothers owns what Minekura does not. Dun dun dunnn...  
  
Anywho, I'm glad people got a kick out of the last chapter, and I hope this one does you good as well. It's kind of a wrap-up of the drinking-contest storyline. Chapter 23 will be vastly, vastly different. Bwaha.

* * *

Somewhere, there is the awkward silence of reversed roles. It is ruptured by an uncomfortable laugh and the sound of running water. Gojyo runs his hand through Hakkai's hair.  
  
"Glad I found you in time," he comments, still petting Hakkai. "You've got nothing left," he soothes, though Hakkai wretches again.  
  
"Been a while," Hakkai says, clutching the toilet bowl with one hand and his head with the other. His body shakes again. "Been in here all night."  
  
"I'm sure you have," responds Gojyo, grabbing the cup of water he left on the counter and giving it to Hakkai. "You know how to fix it. Drink. Later on, rice and maybe tea. Beans. And sugar."  
  
Hakkai drinks, leaning back against the wall. "Why are _you_ okay?"  
  
Gojyo shrugs and grins a bit. "Didn't drink half as much as you did, and while Ten-chan was untying my hair from the bed, I got a little lemonade in me. Sugar water, you know? Kenren was the _real_ problem, though. Who won, by the way?"  
  
Hakkai does not shake his head because it hurts, but takes another drink of water and grunts.  
  
Gojyo's grin quirks. "From the sound of it, seeing you both, _you_ won. Ken-chan is positively _explosive_ in the morning." When Hakkai makes a face, Gojyo nods knowingly. "You experimented, didn't you?"  
  
"Don't remember."  
  
"I'll kill Kenren if he gave you red wine."  
  
Hakkai smiles a bit, and this is genuine. In his state, he cannot afford to be false. "He probably did, but I assure you something else has gotten to him first."  
  
Gojyo laughs. "Right you are. Hey, hey, we've done this a million times. It's my turn. Up, up, up." He slides his arm around Hakkai's waist and hauls him gently upright, knowing the dizziness will likely spur another attempt at vomiting. He holds Hakkai's hips as the man heaves over the sink.  
  
"Rice," says Gojyo softly, leading Hakkai into the den and sitting him on a couch. "Rice is good. Five minutes, tops."  
  
The breakroom is silent but for Gojyo's boiling water and Hakkai's breathing. Gojyo curses softly as he rummages in the pantry, catching a box before it hits the ground. He strains the rice, fills a bowl, and leaves it on the counter to cool. He brings another glass of water to Hakkai.  
  
"How's your head?"  
  
Hakkai doesn't open his eyes. "Like you need to ask."  
  
Gojyo smiles. "You don't get hung over much, do you? There's different types, that's for sure."  
  
"It's about to explode," says Hakkai then, putting the cool glass on his forehead. "Because it's filled with fuzz. Fuzz, fuzz."  
  
"Well," says Gojyo, getting up and shoving a questing finger into the rice to check for temperature. "You're holding water down. Let's see how you do with basic carbs." A few seconds later, the bowl and a spoon are in Hakkai's lap.  
  
The brunette looks down at the offering and finds himself staring at a lopsided jelly bean smiley face. He can't help but smile back down at it. He takes the eyes first, leaves the smile.  
  
"Gojyo?" he murmurs.  
  
From the kitchen, giving the pan a glancing rinse, Gojyo responds, "Hmm?"  
  
"Did you tell me you were...tied to a bed?"  
  
Gojyo tries not to drop the pan. "Uh. Heh. Yeah! About that..."  
  
Hakkai eats placidly, trying to ignore the throbbing in his head. "I'm sure I was quite occupied with Kenren and wasn't quite of the mind to notice. Then again, nor were you."  
  
Gojyo chuckles a bit. "Yeah, Tenpou tried to pull the 'while you were out' joke on me, too." Hakkai looks up, his spoon upside down and halfway in his mouth, and Gojyo laughs again. "I got off easy."  
  
"Please, Gojyo," mutters Hakkai, "No innuendo when I'm hung over."  
  
Gojyo snorts. "Of all the words I never thought I'd hear you say..."

* * *

"Meep fucking meep."  
  
Sanzo shakes out his muscular legs, wiggling his taloned toes, and tries to swear again. However, most of his words are muffled by an odd beeping noise that issues from his straining throat. His plumage is magnificent, starting at his thighs and affording him a long tail as well as some amount of modesty. The feathers spike up his back, leaving his chest, stomach, and arms bare, and ends in a veritable explosion of cornflower tufts on his head. The two foremost feathers are golden yellow. Sanzo has, by far, gotten off easy.  
  
Homura is forced to be mute, lest he finish every sentence with "...for I am a gee-eenius." He sports an overlarge bib emblazoned with Sanzo's face, and in his furred, clawed hands are a knife and fork. He, too, sports a tail, but it is short, black, and furry. He is completely naked except for a protective pelt that stretches merely as far as a pair of black, furred briefs. Two long, pointed ears project from his skull, twitching with every movement of those with him.  
  
"Eeh, could be worse, Doc." Goku downs another bite of carrot, leaning jauntily against the wall. His little tail is gray, and matches his two, floppy ears. He is afforded a bit more fur than Homura, but not by much. It mainly stretches up the length of his spine, each strand barely an inch in length. His teeth give him the most trouble, as they impair his speech and force it into a nasal register. He also craves carrots more than anything in the world. Even more than meat buns.  
  
Homura is torn between diving upon Sanzo and taking Goku over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.  
  
"Gimmeep meep. Mee-cking carrot," Sanzo forces out, holding out a hand. Goku relinquishes the vegetable and Sanzo bites in. Instantly, the three are fully clothed and unadulterated.  
  
"That," declares Goku, "never happened."  
  
Homura rubs his forehead. "Indeed. At least that time I was spared having to call you my little sex-monkey."  
  
Goku grins wryly. "One in a million."  
  
"Of all the fictions that _could_ have been in script format," Sanzo gripes, running his hands through his hair. "That one wasn't. Oh, no."  
  
"Ah, but Sanzo, they had far too much fun with the descriptors. I'mma piss orange for a week."  
  
Homura quirks an eyebrow. "I wasn't aware Son Goku could ever tire of food."  
  
Goku grins. "Yeah, well, that was _carrots_. And it's not like either of you two are doctors, either."  
  
"Well, it's not like I'm built to outrun a truck," responds Sanzo, leaning against the wall.  
  
Goku looks from Sanzo to Homura, and winces as he sees the two trying not to show extreme pain. The shock of it shakes him down to his canon core, and he is not sure what to do.  
  
Homura grunts. "My body seems to be remembering that it was crushed under some tonnage of rock face."  
  
"Hey, Sanzo, let's go inside, kay?" says Goku, trying to get himself in position to act as an exhausted Sanzo's crutch. The blonde smacks him away.  
  
"Get off me, monkey," he snarls. "Open the damn' door."  
  
Goku frowns and does as ordered. He looks to Homura, who nods slightly at him. When Sanzo has made his way inside, Goku grins a bit after him and says to Homura, "Meep meep."

* * *

Kougaiji pads into the den and Yaone greets him with a smile. "Did you sleep well?" she asks.  
  
Kougaiji's brow creases with irritation. "Our neighbors certainly were noisy last night."  
  
Yaone laughs lightly. "Well, boys will be boys. At least you got a bit of rest this morning, right?" She checks the clock on the microwave. "Excuse me, this afternoon!" She holds up a pan she is washing. "I made bacon and eggs earlier on. Would you like some?"  
  
"No, thank you," Kougaiji murmurs. "Where are Lirin and Dokugakuji?"  
  
Yaone thinks for a moment. "Dokugakuji left a while ago for a very special occasion. He got a vignette from his point of view. Lirin may or may not be with him."  
  
"Hm." Kougaiji runs a hand through his hair. "I'm sure she will make herself known soon enough. We simply go where the fires are."  
  
Yaone smiles, but before she can respond, Lirin strolls in through the front door. "Mornin', onii-chan! I never thought you'd wake up!"  
  
"Where have you been?" asks Yaone, getting straight to the point.  
  
Lirin grins. "Giving Konzen a headache. I had to, I just had to." At the apprehensive silence, she adds, "Me and Goku-chan, little Goku, we made that toilet paper fort. We were gonna ask you, Yaone, but you were busy."  
  
"Why were you going to ask me?" asks Yaone, raising an eyebrow.  
  
Lirin laughs. "It was your idea, wasn't it?"  
  
Yaone blushes, and Kougaiji shoots her a look. "Why...so it was."

* * *

Notes: Roadrunner and Coyote came from an odd conversation with WildeLamassu. _(Subliminal message: Go read her work!!)_ TP fort comes from "The Great Toilet Paper Crisis". And yeah, jelly beans really are good to help cure a hangover.  
  
Joonie: Woo! Points! As for the outcome...well...that one's up to you. But Hakkai definitely fared better in the morning. Yeah, Goku-and-Goku-and-Konzen fluff. Couldn't help myself.  
  
Akiko Koishii: Aw, shucks. Thanks!  
  
WildeLamassu: o.O; That idea is crazy and interesting. My brain is running away with it. Oh, dear. As for Giggly Hakkai, a lot of people had problems with him. But really, what sort of drunk would he be? He would _probably_ get morose, but that's not fun. Nice paradox, lol. And I had to keep at least _one_ extra review up just for the sake of my ego XD  
  
Asian-Orange: Well, aren't you just lucky. POINTS FOR YOU! Eh, if you've got no life, I'm a walking corpse.  
  
Me-Nuriko: Eh, we're working on it. It's an exercise in patience and programming, that's for sure. I work on Macs at school, and man am I glad of the change. Points, by the by, but you definitely should have gone into what you would have said XD "Consider the word inserted" made me laugh even without meaning to...  
  
Merf: Hallo again! As for the winner, that's up to you. I took a poll and really couldn't decide even after the polls were kind of decided. Eeeh.  
  
Therhoda: Points! Never use natural words, because then someone might accidentally use it in the review and then I'd never know if they'd actually _read_ my author's notes. I'll try to get on the board on a different computer, because mine certainly isn't having any of it XP  
  
OptiMoose: It is a masculine ... um ... twig. Sure. That's it. Points!! As for Goku choosing Konzen or Sanzo, that in itself is a hell of a plotbunny o.O;  
  
Karu Leonnese: Points! You can um...trade ? I dunno. Heh, maybe after a while I'll go through all my a/n's and count up points to see who has the most. Maybe I'll do requests. Now there's an idea ...XD  
  
Crimson1: You make me blush. Seriously. Like crazy. Awww.  
  
Angelic-Kitten: Eeq, hope your spleen's okay. And the rest of you, after that fall. Don't worry, you shall be spared :)  
  
Sparrow319: Aw, thanks! I really liked writing the Gensomaden-Gaiden interaction, though I did have Sanzo and Konzen prettymuch ignore one another to avoid what might escalate into quite the row. You don't have to quote my references at me, no worries - if you caught them and smiled, that's all I really care about :) 


	23. Break the Twenty Third

A/N: Hello, my lovelies, and welcome to chapter 23. It has been a while, hasn't it? Oh, dear. Well, um, I've been writing on other things in the few moments I manage to get to myself. Heeh.  
  
If you haven't seen "Dave", you should. So adorable. Very good movie - at times it's hilariously funny.  
  
Very good job on last chapter's buzzword, everybody. This time, we're going for something odd. (Just humor me and pretend that's something new.) "Tummy button" - not belly button, not navel, but tummy button. Just say it out loud and try not to smile. Tummy but-ton! Yeah.  
  
Dragonball Z is property of its creator, who is not me.  
  
Anyway, enjoy chapter 23. Whee.

* * *

Somewhere, there is the frightening roar of a healthy set of lungs expelling their entire contents. Goku sniffles, rubs his nose on his arm, and groans. He is sopping wet and he shivers constantly.  
  
"Geez, Goku, _you_ of all people?" Gojyo mutters with a prod.  
  
"Buzz off!" Goku cries before violently sneezing again. He shakes his hair out and rubs at his nose. "I've been in water _all day_ while you guys have been in the warm."  
  
Hakkai comes over and drapes a towel over Goku's shoulders. "Let's get you into some dry clothes, then, and I'll see what I can do about some tea."  
  
Goku nods and shuffles toward his bedroom. Gojyo and Sanzo watch him go, and both take a few steps away from where Goku had been standing. Getting sick is the last thing they want to do, because spending so much time in the fiction world gives their bodies far less time to fight the illness. A simple cold can last for months at a time, with only poorly-written smutfic as a respite.  
  
Hakkai busies himself in the kitchen, boiling water and digging around in the pantry for some honey. "The best thing for a sore throat is lemons and honey," he mutters to himself, "but I wonder if I can get my hands on some zinc...oh!" Upon discovering the very item he was searching for, Hakkai smiles. "Serendipitous, surely." He chuckles a bit. "Now if I could only figure out how to keep Goku from eating for an entire hour..."  
  
A few wet plops signal Goku's entrance. "I dropped the stuff in the bathtub," he says, pulling the collar of his robe closer to his neck. Goku is dressed in soft, plaid pajamas. They were once a garish yellow, red, and green, but much wear and washing has lent them a gentle brown tinge. Over the pajamas, Goku wears a blue robe, the sash tied tightly about his waist and the collar pulled completely up to his neck. His socked feet hide in blue house slippers. His hair, having been recently friction-dried with the towel, sticks up at even odder angles than usual.  
  
"That's fine, Goku," says Hakkai. "Make yourself comfortable in your bed, and I'll be in with you in just a few moments."  
  
"'Kay," responds Goku, and with another sniffle he shuffles back toward his own bedroom.  
  
"The kid looks terrible," comments Gojyo, putting his hands on his hips. "We actually going to make him work later on?"  
  
Sanzo snorts. "What other choice does he have? If Goku were on his deathbed he'd have to go."  
  
Hakkai shrugs over the steaming mug on the counter. "I don't know. Perhaps Goku-chan wouldn't mind filling in? It may just work." He stirs in the juice from a slice of lemon and pops the spoon into his mouth. "Perfect. If you will excuse me," says Hakkai, scooting past Sanzo and Gojyo and into Goku's room.  
  
"Goku's a funny anomaly, though," murmurs Gojyo.  
  
Sanzo quirks an eyebrow. "Where the hell did _you_ learn a word like 'anomaly'?"  
  
Gojyo grins. "Same place you learned the word 'supernal'." As Sanzo's eyebrow twitches, Gojyo continues, "Hell, if the author isn't descriptive, little Goku might just work."  
  
"Well, are you going to stand here and annoy me talking about it or are you going to go out begging?" Sanzo snaps, sitting down on one of the couches. "I'm sick of your talk."  
  
In response, Gojyo flippantly gives Sanzo the deuce before strolling out the door.

* * *

"Are you out of your mind?" Kenren cries, casting a protective look down to where he is holding Goku back from jumping on Gojyo. "Do you want to kill the kid?"  
  
"Hey, no, I just wanted to know if it was possible," says Gojyo, holding his arms up in a placating manner.  
  
Tenpou, from the kitchen counter, adjusts his glasses. "Well, Gojyo, it just might. But I'm afraid we're disinclined to lend you Goku's services. He is unaccustomed to the amount of time the four of you spend in the fictional world as opposed to this one. It would be very unhealthy for him, and then where would we be? However, we do wish you the best of luck in dealing with this, and hope that your Goku feels better soon."  
  
Before Gojyo can formulate a suitably angry, righteous response, Kenren has shut the door in his face. Gojyo growls at the wood, but turns around and starts to stalk back toward his room when the double doors swing open.  
  
A rather tall, frighteningly muscular young man strolls into the hallway, looking around with a goofy grin. He has bright eyes, gravity-defying hair, and a fashion sense that would rival a traffic cone. It takes all Gojyo has not to let his jaw drop.  
  
"Uh...'scuse me? Are you sure you're in the right place?" he asks.  
  
The stranger scratches the back of his head and laughs. "Actually, no! I'm looking for Son Goku! Well, I'm Son Goku! But I'm looking for him, too! Do you think you can tell me where he is?!"  
  
Gojyo tries not to cringe. The stranger that calls himself Son Goku speaks so forcefully it is almost a bellow. Every sentence, whether or not the situation merits the extra punctuation, is more of an exclamation than anything else. "Wait. You're telling me _your_ name is Son Goku?"  
  
"That's right!" The stranger blinks. "Gosh, if you don't know where Son Goku is, could you at least point me toward some food?! I'm hungry!" The stranger removes his hand from the back of his head and asks, "Hey, what's so funny?!"  
  
It is a while before the laughter dies down, and then Gojyo wipes a tear from his eye. "Okay, I believe you. I'll take you to _our_ Son Goku if you'll tell me what the hell you're doing here."  
  
"I was told to come! Somebody named Tempo or something!" The stranger smiles sheepishly.  
  
"Right, then," mutters Gojyo, pulling out his key. "Come on in, but try to keep it down, okay?"  
  
"What do you mean?!"  
  
Gojyo groans, "Never mind," and opens the door.  
  
Sanzo's eyebrows shoot toward his hairline. "Who the hell is _that_?"  
  
Before the stranger can answer for himself, Gojyo answers, "Son Goku. Long story."  
  
Hakkai pokes his head out of Goku's bedroom. "What's all the ruckus? Goku? What are _you_ doing here?"  
  
"You _know_ this guy?" Gojyo cries incredulously.  
  
Hakkai shoots him an admonishing look, glances over his shoulder, and comes out of Goku's room, shutting the door behind him. "Goku's taking a nap, and he really needs it. Let him sleep, please. To answer your question, Gojyo, this is the _other_ Son Goku. Different fandom altogether."  
  
"What is he doing here?" asks Sanzo, not moving from the couch. He scrutinizes this impostor Goku, and decides he does not like him at all.  
  
Hakkai smiles. "That I do not know."  
  
When the stranger opens his mouth, it is with quintessential sonority. "I was sent! I was told this was a fiction for some guy! Tempo or something!"  
  
Gojyo claps his hand over the stranger's mouth, hissing, "Quiet!" He turns to Hakkai and says, "Tenpou must have called in a replacement or something! They won't let us have Goku-chan."  
  
"Why can't I stop shouting?!" cries the stranger from behind Gojyo's hand.  
  
Hakkai looks toward Goku's room, but nothing happens. "Well, if you were told you were in a fiction, maybe the complexities of characterization don't totally hold up on a different genre's floor. I think you've been categorized, Goku-san. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to request that you remain silent until we are inside a fiction because I don't see how that problem could abate on its own. Okay?"  
  
The stranger nods, and Gojyo removes his hand. Uncomfortable, strained silence follows. Sanzo gets up from the couch and bangs his fist on the kitchen counter. The light comes on and the pleasant chime rings. Sanzo gives a self-satisfied nod, grabs the paper, and says, "Everybody out."

* * *

"Well," Hakkai muses, trying not to show his surprise, "he certainly eats like our Goku."  
  
Gojyo nods dumbly, closing the door behind him. "Glad Sanzo's keeping the guy busy for practically the rest of the day. All hell's gonna break loose when those two get back."  
  
Hakkai chuckles a bit. "Unless, of course, the two of them are too exhausted for it. Speaking of, I'm going to go check on Goku."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," responds Gojyo, and as the redhead flops down onto the couch, Hakkai goes to Goku's door.  
  
"How are you?" asks Hakkai, popping his head in and seeing Goku awake. The boy is adrift in a sea of used tissues.  
  
"Gah. Sick and bored." Goku reaches up and rubs at his eye. "I took the tablet thing half an hour ago. Can I eat yet?"  
  
Hakkai laughs. "Ah, I know this isn't too serious, then. Of course, Goku, let me go get you some food."  
  
Hakkai closes the door just as Goku mumbles "Thanks." The brunette crosses to the kitchen, and readies some water for instant rice.  
  
"How's Goku?" asks Gojyo from his prone position on the couch.  
  
"About as well as one should expect him to be. He doesn't know about his replacement, and I suppose it would be best not to tell him for the moment." Hakkai rips open a new box of instant rice bags and pulls one out.  
  
Gojyo grins. "Are you sure? I think he'd kinda like the idea of a giant muscleman spontaneously changing colors and height to fit the author's specs. The way his eyes flickered from brown to gold was absolutely seizure-inducing."  
  
Hakkai laughs softly, coming to lean on the counter while waiting for the water to boil. "Well, I suppose Goku's canon reality kept reasserting itself in whatever form it could. That was a far different experience from a crossover."  
  
"I repeat," Gojyo says, thrusting a finger into the air, "I'm glad Sanzo's taking care of that guy all the rest of today. I hope he doesn't rip the monk's arm off while trying to get his attention for some meat buns."  
  
Hakkai smiles and checks the water. It is boiling gently, a few lazy bubbles detaching from the bottom of the pan. Good enough. Hakkai drops the bag into the water and prods at it with a chopstick.  
  
There is, as is beginning to become commonplace, a knock at the front door. Gojyo rolls off of the couch to go answer it. When he does, he is speechless, backing up enough so their visitor might enter.  
  
Hakkai turns his head and meets a rather lovely potted fern face-to-face, coming around the corner. Gripping the pot gently between two massive, strong hands, is Homura. He smiles handsomely and says, "I heard Son Goku was feeling under the weather, so I thought I might drop by."

* * *

That was _fun_.  
  
Notes to reviewers:  
  
Jadesword: Yeah, the Tenpou-Hakkai-Gojyo-Kenren interaction is loads of fun. I think I just want to do that in a spinoff or something. Wahaha. Points for you, by the by, although I'm not quite sure why tweezing would annoy Konzen so much. I get rampant mental images of Goku tugging at his arm hairs o.O;  
  
TheRhoda: Points! Oh, and sure. Whatever you say ;) I know about the fortune cookie thing - we do it all the time and piss off the people at Chinese restaurants XD  
  
Asian-Orange: Points! More points! As many points as you want, s'long as you continue playing along ;) Meep Meep!  
  
WildeLamassu: Um, you need to SLEEP. Yes, I left the smile for a reason. Yay for you catching it - I've come to expect nothing less :) Glad I got you to the point of almost waking up your roommates though. In that sadistic sort of way of mine. Let me tell you, your review had me in giggles as well XD  
  
Sparrow319: Points! The experimenting thing was with liquor, not one another. That is for another fic, I fear o,o ... As for red wine, it's one of the worst liquors, in my opinion, to get drunk with, just because of the morning after. Terrible, terrible symptoms that'll have you in the bathroom for a very long time.  
  
Treneka: Aw, thank you! Yes, that was the original point of this fiction, and I'm glad people haven't really lost sight of that in lieu of watching me dress the boys up in funny costumes chapter after chapter.  
  
Crimson1: Yay! Virtual peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies! My muses are now fighting over them (Yeah, I've got a team. Ooh, Lucky's using his elbows. That's my boy...)  
  
Joonie: Points for creative spelling of 'tweezers' ;) The WB/Saiyuki crossover came from an odd AIM convo. Otherwise I wouldn't have thought of it either XP  
  
Nightfall Rising: Ooh, your concept of Hakkai drunk is _shibby_ ... I'd really, really like to see that. Especially the Sanzo-trying-to-stop-him part lol. As for 58, well, I just can't help myself. There'll be hints because it's in my very fiber. XP  
  
Cho Mizuki: Um. Honey? What do drugs taste like?  
  
Kanzeyori: You get a cookie for extra-inventive-use-of-buzzword. Very cute, and quite logical. Yay for you. Glad you're giggling :)  
  
Sussi: Fanfiction with...smilies? That's almost as bad as 'ammguh' ... must use it! Thanks!  
  
Akiko Koishii: Aw, thanks. The fact that you take the time to review is enough, really!  
  
OptiMoose: Points! I know, I'm terrible. This one was a _little_ longer! Oxygen as a cure for hangovers? Really? That's interesting! Wow...hm...  
  
VG Terra: There ... were no winners. Or maybe Hakkai won. OR maybe Kenren won. Up to you. I left it vague. Woo. I did the contest fic and I'm happy with it...but of course I had to take the challenge and run with it. Optimoose is a goddess for putting up with me on the second part of it XP  
  
Karu Leonnese: Points. Violent points, but points nonetheless. Playing with electricity is bad for your health! If you ever do get a scanner set up, I'd love to see your art!  
  
Me-Nuriko: Points! Odd usage, but I like it! Yeah, Hung-over Hakkai is anomalous enough that he's pretty cool. I kind of like writing him that way, if only because Gojyo gets to have a nice little role reversal XD  
  
Zelgadis55: Points. Ow, poor Sanzo! As for a fireball fight in a later chapter...um...o.O; I'll see what I can do...  
  
Silver Raven 014: Wow! Thanks a lot - I'm glad you're enjoying it and I hope to see you come back soon! 


	24. Break the Twenty Fourth

A/N: I LIVE! Wow, this was an uncharacteristically long period between updates for me. Eh, so I'm inconsistent.  
  
Today's buzzword is "Drapery", just because I just finished watching a rather amusing episode of Teen Titans in which Starfire says, "Um...today is...the Tamaranian festival of yelling at drapery. STUPID CURTAINS!" One of the better lines in the entire series, I should think ;)  
  
Sailormoon and all affiliations belong to their creator, and my rampant references all belong to their respective authors. Bokonon belongs to Vonnegut, and Bananafish are Salinger's.  
  
Anyway, enjoy chapter twenty-four ... notes to my lovely reviewers at the end! After this chapter, Breakroom just might break 300 reviews! Ammguh, I love you guys so much!

* * *

Somewhere, there is a falsetto groan that hitches to the pulse of a heavy backbeat. Gojyo's bedroom door slams open.  
  
Sanzo stands in the doorframe with one hand still on the doorknob and the other on the wall for support. "What...the _fuck_... are you listening to?"  
  
Gojyo looks up and grins a bit. "Makes me feel like a man. San-chan, I had _hetero sex_ today." Melodramatic tears begin to roll down Gojyo's cheeks. "Imagine that! A woman! And I just had to pop this in," he adds, pitching a jewel case over to Sanzo, "for the hell of it."  
  
Sanzo eyes the jacket. "The Yeah Yeah Yeahs? The hell?"  
  
"We aren't all Mozart," Gojyo answers, holding his hand out and beckoning for Sanzo to return the case to him. "And anyway, just _listen_."  
  
For a moment, Sanzo obliges, watching Gojyo nod his head to the beat. And then he snorts. "Not very manly music, if the term could possibly be applied."  
  
Gojyo waves him off, explaining, "If I wanted to feel butch, I'd be out killing something. Nah, this is just hetero sex music. Or at least it was the first thing I found with a girl innit." He grins and manages to catch the jewel case as it is hurled at his head.  
  
"Turn that shit down," Sanzo orders with a frown, quite annoyed with both the music and Gojyo's ceaseless talk. "I can't hear myself think."  
  
Before he reaches out to turn down the racket, Gojyo mutters something sardonically to himself, supposing Sanzo wouldn't hear. As the resulting blows show, Gojyo's assumption had been quite wrong. As the redhead rubs at the melon-sized lump on the back of his head, he finally gets a good look at Sanzo. The man is disheveled, ragged, and his robes hang off of his left shoulder. There are hot, red marks on his skin and his hair defies physics rather more than usual.  
  
"Oi. What happened to _you_?" Gojyo calls, raising an eyebrow.  
  
Sanzo reaches up to rub at his neck, then goes a bit further and runs a hand through his hair, trying to straighten it out. "Mary-Sue. A long-lost best friend not opposed to frequent roughhousing and being overly affectionate in public."  
  
Gojyo winces. "The darker side of hetero sex. Sorry, man."  
  
"I always survive," Sanzo says with a shrug. "If it'll get you to turn that down, feel as sorry as you want."  
  
Gojyo snorts and is about to turn the music back up when a soft titter echoes down the hallway. The hairs on the back of his neck stand on end, and he can see that Sanzo is experiencing a similar reaction.  
  
"That's not..."  
  
"You don't think..."  
  
With a flick of his wrist, Gojyo turns off the stereo and follows Sanzo into the den.  
  
In a word, Hakkai is glorious. The golden glint from beneath the fall of his hair is that of heaven's light; his soft legs and arms are the color of an angel's skin; in his hands, he holds a delicate lyre. In less romantic terms, he has fallen into Mizuno Ami's costume closet and gotten into a fight with her fuku. Hakkai has managed to retain his hair and eye color, but his lips are shining and pink with gloss. He sports Sailor Mercury's most elaborate costume (by some singular feat always managing to keep from stepping on the bow) and the lyre in his hands is a shimmering mass of water that quivers with his every breath.  
  
In a verb, Hakkai is giggling. Like a schoolgirl. The blush on his cheeks matches his lip-gloss and the sound of the giggle echoes off of the water in his hands. Gojyo, sensing an opportunity, raises his leg until his foot hitches under whatever protection the tiny, ruffled skirt provides Hakkai. As soon as it happens, Hakkai collapses back into himself, and though the costume disappears the water merely loses form and splatters to the ground, thoroughly soaking the carpet.  
  
Dismayed, Hakkai admonishes, "You could have waited until I had that over a sink."  
  
Gojyo grins. "Couldn't help myself. White leotards do not good underoos make." Hakkai simply rolls his eyes and goes into the kitchen, digging around in cupboards for some paper towels. When he has located the roll, smiling at Sanzo's remark about its scarcity relative to the amount of toilet paper they have in their bathrooms, he tears off a few sheets and begins to stomp them into the puddle on the floor.  
  
"So," says Gojyo, "What was so funny?"  
  
Hakkai shrugs. "Oh, just Goku."  
  
With a wince, Sanzo rubs his forehead. "Which one?"  
  
Hakkai chuckles at that, watching as the paper towels darken. "Oh, ours. But you see, that is just about the problem. It seems the Dragonball's Son Goku caught whatever ours had."  
  
"Ouch. Payback," deduces Gojyo. "Poor kid."  
  
Hakkai smiles, bending down to grab the paper towels from the carpet. "It ought to be a nice change of pace for him. He'll gain a new perspective on the world, I'm sure."  
  
"He'll fit _right_ in." Sanzo rummages in his robes for a cigarette, just trying to block out the painful memories. "If they all shout as much as _he_ did, Goku will have no problems whatsoever." His fingers finally find the box, and Sanzo grabs one out, shoving it between his teeth.  
  
Gojyo laughs. "Aw, it weren't that bad." He shudders dramatically. "At least you didn't have to face good old script-format smileyfic today."  
  
Hakkai groans. "Don't remind me, Gojyo, please. I've got no idea how to pronounce a hyphen, let alone emote one."  
  
"Yeah, and all those semicolons coming out of my ear were no picnic either." For effect, Gojyo wiggles his little finger in his ear, making a disgusted face. Then, he grins over at Hakkai. "Although I gotta admit that you with parenthesis for hair was kinda cute."  
  
With a facetious laugh, Hakkai throws away the paper towels and looks over to the wet spot on the carpet. "At least it's only water," he murmurs.  
  
The lock slowly clicking back echoed loudly in the wake of Hakkai's outer monologue. The door swings open, revealing a battered, bruised Goku. His clothes are ripped to near shreds and he is sagging fast.  
  
"You guys will _never_ believe this," the boy gasps.  
  
Out of the corner of his mouth, Sanzo mutters, "All of the true things I am about to tell you are complete lies." Hakkai chuckles and rushes over to Goku, checking him over.  
  
"How are you?" he asks. Goku turns to him with wide, exhausted eyes.  
  
"How _am_ I? That fic was full of psychos! There was some dude who either wanted to kill me or fuck me and I think I had a son and five times the muscles I'm used to having and I went blonde like _crazy_ blonde and I'm _so-ooo_ hungry even though I ate a ton and there were these other guys who I think were the bad guys and all they did was scream and turn funny colors while their ki went through the roof!"  
  
Gojyo raises an eyebrow. "Breathe, saru," he orders amusedly.  
  
Hakkai holds Goku up, helping the boy walk to his bedroom. "Well, I don't think you're badly injured, so let's get you into bed."  
  
"Hakkai, Hakkai, there was this little bald guy and some dude that looked like a bug and there was nobody like Sanzo at all! I was so lonely 'cause I was the main guy and I don't know how he lives without somebody there for him! Oh, look, Homura's fern. I like the fern. It looks healthy, doesn't it, Hakkai?"  
  
Hakkai smiles and sits down with Goku on his bed. "Yes, Goku, it does. Now you need to get some rest after that ordeal, so you go to sleep."  
  
"Easy peasy," babbles Goku with a lopsided smile. He falls over, crashing backwards onto his bed, and is unconscious before Hakkai can register the movement.  
  
Hakkai leaves him and comes back into the den, where Gojyo and Sanzo have moved onto the couches. Gojyo cries, "There aren't any bananas in the ocean!"  
  
Sanzo, clearly enjoying this, mutters, "I never said they lived in the ocean," around his cigarette.  
  
"That's morbid," Hakkai chides, but not without humor. "I'm quite sure there are other alternatives."  
  
"Ch. So how's Goku?" asks Gojyo, changing the subject.  
  
"Just exhausted," replies Hakkai, taking a seat next to Sanzo on the couch. "A quintessential case of overstimulation, I think. There were so many things he was trying to tell me that all wanted to come out at once."  
  
"That's Goku," Sanzo comments, exhaling smoke.  
  
A pleasant chime disrupts the calm, and Hakkai rouses himself to take the sheet of paper from the kitchen counter. He takes in the words with a soft sigh. "Oh, my."  
  
"Don't tell me we have to wake up Goku. We'll never get him out of bed," Gojyo complains.  
  
Hakkai shakes his head. "It's not that. The cast consists of us, excluding Goku, Kougaiji, Dokugakuji, and Homura. It appears we're doing a parody of 'The Full Monty'."  
  
Gojyo blinks in recognition. "Isn't that the movie with the anti-fat-bastard cream?"  
  
"I fear, Gojyo, that there's a little more to it than that."  
  
Sanzo ignores them, grumbling to himself about tropical aquifers, and gets to his feet, heading out the door.

* * *

Notes to reviewers: If you didn't get some of the references, that's okay. Go read "A Perfect Day for Bananafish" by J. D. Salinger. It killed my morning.  
  
Sparrow319: Points! I also think I want to do a ba-ad Read or Die switch if Genjo happens to get sick, but we'll see how I feel toward Sanzo on that day...bwaha.  
  
Asian-Orange: Points! Glad you like the odd buzzwords - I have fun thinking them up! Meep Meep to you ;)  
  
Zelgadis55: Points, and creative points at that. I now have the mental image of Goku/Buzz Lightyear the action figure in my head. With Karate-chop action! My head is spinning from all the usage of Goku. Gaaah.  
  
Therhoda: Points! CUTE POINTS!! I want one of those plushies! Aww, Homura trying to make soup - teh cuteness. You're on a roll tonight. As for elevators, it's not so much an elevator as the double doors are um...magic. Woooo. XP I'll figure something out. Noreally.  
  
Joonie: Points! Yes, Goku's training gear always reminded me of a traffic cone. He just has that effect on me...  
  
Merf: Thank you ver-ry much! I loved the idea as soon as it smacked me upside the head. Waha.  
  
KawaiiLilMarron: Well, there's no accounting for what would happen if a fan got into the Breakroom, but I'm sure DBZ Goku has a bit more restraint than you ;) And Homura can bring Goku all the ferns he wants to. And prized potatoes, for that matter. Mm. Tatoes.  
  
D-Chan: Phonetic points! Glad I inspire you, especially if it's HomuraxGoku ;) And I've got the mental image of DBZ Goku making sheeps explode permanently ingrained in my head, now, thankyouverymuch. "Hi! I'm hungry!" "BaaaaAAAH!"** _BOOM!_  
**  
Akiko Koishii: Yeah, that was the one I grabbed, because it's at once the easiest to recognize.  
  
OptiMoose: Points. KINKY-odd points. Aww, poor Goku-chan, no button-rings for thee. Ki-blast contest with Hakkai? Eek. Scary. Scary-inspiring! Hmmm...  
  
Nightfall Rising: I think my favorite review phrase ever is now "Bumptuous strangers foghorning about" - I couldn't stop giggling at the complete and total ... apt-ness. Okay, so you've got me beat in the vocabulary department XP Anywho, what I really meant by the character outside of a fandom having a few lapses is that the canon doesn't assert itself as fully in other canon realms (think like a baseball team not playing as well at away games, I suppose) so that the canon from Saiyuki may be trying to superimpose itself on the canon from DBZ, both in and out of fics - the only compromise is to go with a major stereotype for the character - in Goku's case, shouting. That was basically my thought process on that one XD  
  
Kanzeyori: Points. SCARY points, but points nonetheless. Which Goku? o.O;  
  
Cho Mizuki: "Gives Sanzo the deuce" is Gojyo flipping Sanzo off. I just didn't want to say that. Heh, your reviews always amuse me in disturbing ways. Take that as a compliment. Go Sox XD  
  
Karu Leonnese: Ooh. Vulgar points. You now have Vulgarity AND Violence, you lucky duck! Sanzo plushie. Awww.  
  
Silver Raven 014: Aww, thanks so much!  
  
Orenda: Personally, there have been a lot of suggestions after the drinking contest as to how Hakkai might be drunk, and I kind of wish I'd tried a few other ways. Ah, well, c'est la vie. Anyway, thanks a ton - I'm glad you're enjoying it!  
  
Lisette: They're very familiar with Monty Python because Sanzo's tv is magic and they get the BBC. Ssh. ;)  
  
WildeLamassu: Gah! My eyes are going to hell! Ah, well, they'll get to spend time with Crowley. (I think that sums it up!)  
  
Angelic-Kitten: POINTS! Oh, and you probably shouldn't dare ask, and yes, I am out of my mind, thank you for noticing.  
  
Me-Nuriko: Points! Questioning points are still points, sweetie! Eeq. Fangurls may shoot me for that substitution, I know...  
  
Runefallstar: o.o Wow. Thank you so much. That means a _lot_ to me - more than you could imagine. I'm glad you like this, and think I'm doing well. 


	25. Navidad

A/N: Ah, the long-awaited CHRISTMAS INSTALLMENT! I know it took me forever, and here's why: I kept changing my mind. Whatever I've told any of you before is now a total lie - there are things here I didn't know would be here, and some of the stuff I promised to have just doesn't show. Why? Because it doesn't suit, or it's too much work to coordinate, or it only amplifies the chaos in a way I can't possibly control. So many tangents to follow, so little time! Still, I wrote this in a vaguely back-and-forth sort of manner to try and convey just how ...BUSY everything is. So stay alert. Settle in for the long haul, guys. The wait was worth it. 

I will be going on another little hiatus come Christmas morning - we're heading up north to ski and be with extended family for a week, so don't expect anything from me for a while. The nature of this visit, however, is good for a bit of writing (Last year it spawned "Insufferable" and "Turn of Events" alone!) though it probably won't be Breakroom-related. One-shots are good for the soul. Maybe I'll try something that -isn't- Gojyo-and-Hakkai-centric. Lawks!

Anyway, in celebration of this event, our new buzzword is: chimney. Have fun with that one, folks. Notes to my reviewers at the end.

* * *

Somewhere, the gentle jingle of shining bells breaks the silence. The bells jingle again, glinting in the soft, yellow light of the apartment. They bounce against a soft, knitted, green sweater as the bearer moves about with cheerful abandon, chorusing with every footstep.

Hakkai hums to himself as he holds the bells with one hand and uses the other to open the oven, checking on a sumptuous roast. The smell of it escapes through the open door and fills the breakroom with heat and spices. He nods to himself, shuts the oven door, and then turns to the stove. His white hands are red at the knuckles from chopping, mixing, heating, washing, cooling, drying, tossing, straining, peeling, decorating, and all-around working in the kitchen all morning. The sleeves of his green sweater are shoved up past his elbows, and the cuffs of the white Oxford shirt he wears under the sweater are rolled back behind his wrists. A fluffy Santa hat perches on his head, the ball of which is adorned with yet another bell. He dips a finger into the cranberry sauce and takes a taste, then shakes his hand to cool the burned skin. The bells jingle brightly with this extra movement.

Gojyo stamps in through the front door, stripping himself of boots and vest at the blast of heat. Sweat prickles on his already-warm skin, as he has just come in from a day in the desert. When he sees Hakkai in a sweater, he asks, "You sick?"

Hakkai turns with a benevolent smile and descends upon Gojyo with a kiss to the end of his nose. "Of course not, Gojyo!" he responds, and points upward. "Don't you think that's a good way to keep Goku out of the kitchen while I'm still working?"

Gojyo looks up and squints at a dangling, green mass, still dazed by Hakkai's burst of affection. "Um. He's allergic to weeds?"

For just an instant, there is a flicker of disappointment in Hakkai's face. Then, he brightens again and says, "I don't think so. It's _mistletoe_, Gojyo. When two people meet under it, they kiss. I thought you knew."

Gojyo rubs the back of his head. "So that's what that was? I think I'll warn everybody when they get in." Hakkai smiles and dashes away to lean over the stove once again. Gojyo leans against the counter, not moving an inch from where he is standing. "Oi, are you sure you're okay? You're in a sweater and it's a billion degrees in here. And...you're cooking all of this stuff..." He takes a bit of a step back. "Something wrong? Is it contagious? Should I leave you alone? D'you want liquor? Should I get Yaone? Yaone should know what to do, right?"

Hakkai laughs and comes again to Gojyo, taking the redhead's hands in his own. "You really don't know what today is, do you?" He kisses Gojyo's nose again, causing the redhead to take a few steps back, away from the mistletoe. At Gojyo's obvious ignorance, Hakkai sighs a bit and continues, "December twenty-fourth. Or thereabouts. Christmas Eve."

Gojyo blinks, stymied for a few seconds. Then, realization dawns. "Um. Hakkai? You're the only Christian in here. Wait. You're not even one, right? Hakkai?"

The brunette shakes his head. "No, Gojyo, there is much more to Christmas than the religion. We have capitalism to thank for that." He pauses to chuckle in a way that gives Gojyo foreboding chills. "Christmas is also about family, and food, and giving to one another. This sweater is important to me, so I wear it."

"Matches your emeralds," Gojyo responds weakly, eliciting a laugh from Hakkai. "And the hat?"

Hakkai reaches up and pets the fur. "A symbol of the severe degradation the religious celebration has suffered at the hands of a free-market economic system spattered with such highlights as the advent of _Barbie_, _Chia Pets_, the _Pet Rock_, and _Tickle Me Elmo_." He takes it off and rams it down over Gojyo's hair. "It suits you better, I think."

Gojyo reaches up and situates the hat so it doesn't come down over his eyes. He is about to scramble for a response when a timer dings and Hakkai rushes back into the kitchen with a cry of, "Oh! The roast should be about ready! I do hope Sanzo and Goku show up so we might all eat together." He opens the oven door and checks the thermometer protruding from the hunk of muscle. "It needs a few more minutes," he comments, shutting the oven door.

Gojyo looks past Hakkai into the kitchen, stunned at the array of warmers, pan-holders, tea cozies, crock-pots and various microwave-safe containers that litter the countertops. A glance at the wall outlet brings to his eyes a strip of extensions crammed full of plugs upon plugs that trail in sinuous dark lines to various appliances, all of which are in use. Hakkai slides into Gojyo's field of vision, passing him a cup of what appears to be off-white milk. Gojyo takes a sip and makes a face.

"This stuff sucks without alcohol in it," he gripes. Hakkai merely smiles with infinite patience and benevolence, transformed into the spirit of Christmas himself for this day. Gears begin turning inside of Gojyo's head. "Uh. You know, even with the saru on an empty stomach, there's no way we're gonna be able to finish eating all of this."

"I know," responds Hakkai. He wipes his forehead with his sleeve, tossing his hair from his eyes and bending again into the oven. "Not yet," he mutters to himself, and shuts the door. For respite, he opens the refrigerator on the pretense of grabbing a few more carrots to chop. He leans into it for far longer than necessary, but soon returns to his duties.

The bell on Hakkai's hat jingles loudly. Hakkai looks over to Gojyo with an eyebrow quirked. Gojyo grins guiltily. "Don't know how you stand this thing," he says, shoving his hand further into the hat. "Itches like crazy."

In response, Hakkai shakes the bells around his neck. The lock slides back and the front door opens to reveal Sanzo and Goku in reasonably high spirits. The smell of blood and sweat taints the air around them; a very cathartic battle had taken place in which Sanzo played neither hostage nor damsel in distress. Fortuitous indeed, and enough to force Sanzo into a pleased, straight-backed stride despite his weariness.

Goku, upon entering, takes a big breath and exclaims, "What smells so good? I'm starving!" He moves to dash into the kitchen and position himself underfoot when Gojyo reaches out and grasps his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" Goku says, trying to wriggle out of his grasp. Gojyo points upward. Goku looks, and wrinkles his nose. "Eew! Hakkai, we've got mold!"

Hakkai laughs. "That's not mold, Goku, that's mistletoe."

Sanzo quirks an eyebrow. "Where did you get that?"

"Homura," responds Hakkai over his shoulder. "He has an amazing talent for growing anything with roots. Funny, that."

"What's mistletoe?" asks Goku. To Gojyo, he comments, "Nice hat," with a snicker.

"A leech, basically," Sanzo deadpans. "Used around a certain December holiday to make unwitting people involve themselves in indecent physical contact while in the presence of others. It advocates the swapping of bacteria and viruses that exist in sapient saliva, among other unsavory practices."

Gojyo recoils, stung by Sanzo's words. He pulls Goku closer and adopts a look of confidentiality. "What the monk is trying to say, Goku," Gojyo intones, "is that when two people meet under mistletoe, they mack on each other like there's no tomorrow." He lets go of Goku's shoulder and puts his hands on his hips. "Well, what do you know? Look who's under the mistletoe, Hakkai!"

Without looking up, Hakkai murmurs, "If you want to play with a three-foot radius, so are you, Gojyo."

The three of them jump back, leaving Hakkai to chuckle into his cranberry sauce. He looks over to the oven with a smile, and slips his red hands into a pair of oven mitts that look suspiciously like reindeer. With red pom-poms for noses.

"Ah," he announces. "It's done."

No amount of mistletoe can keep Goku from jumping into the kitchen upon that announcement, and he kisses Hakkai with a little jump before bouncing around the brunette, trying to sneak tastes. Hakkai chuckles with affection, though he does nudge Goku in less-obtrusive directions every once in a while. It is this fantastic, childish spirit about Goku that remains even after he is wizened by smutfic after smutfic. The vitality in Goku always remains, reawakened by good food and good company. Hakkai gives him a bowl and a potholder and says, "If you would like to help, please fill this with the cranberry sauce. No tasting, Goku."

The boy pouts, but Hakkai stands firm until he relents, and goes about getting the sugary goop into the bowl. Sanzo stands back and lights up a cigarette with nary a glance to the hole in the ceiling where the last unfortunate smoke alarm had been. Hakkai is too good a cook to need one, anyway.

There comes a knock at the door. Hakkai smiles indulgently into the roast while absently popping Goku's hand with the flat of his knife for trying to sneak a few cranberries. "Gojyo, would you please get that for me?"

Gojyo raises his eyebrows, naturally distrustful of a smiling man with a butcher knife. "You expecting someone?" When Hakkai shakes his head and chuckles, Gojyo shrugs and goes to the door, opening it all the way. He stumbles back a few feet when three voices crash into a discordant rendition of "Jingle Bells".

"Hakkai!" he cries, and throws his head back to laugh, letting the party in. Still singing, Goku, Kenren, and Tenpou parade into the apartment. Konzen follows a few feet behind, utterly silent but with the strain of muscles in his face that show he is forcing down a smile.

As the three continue their song, the others realize that Kenren and Tenpou tried their best to teach the words to Goku-chan, with little success. However, when the little one sings, "Inna one war soap pens rake!" they all applaud while biting back their laughter.

"So," Gojyo says, leaning against the kitchen counter, "You guys just _happened_ to feel like stopping by, hm?"

Tenpou nods. "By all means. This is a happy coincidence."

"Free food," adds Kenren.

Tenpou chuckles. "Indeed, a Christmas miracle." He looks around for a moment, then clears his throat. "Goku, did you forget something?"

Goku-chan blinks for a few seconds, then says, "No, Ten-chan, I _remembered_ to wash my hands." He nods vigorously, mussing his hair against Sanzo's robe. With both arms firmly locked around the monk, he gives Tenpou the most innocent look he can muster.

Goku, finally managing to get all of the cranberry sauce free from the pan, hops out of the kitchen and tickles his counterpart under the arms. "Come on, you. Uh. Come on, me. I got a job for you. Mistletoe immunity with this one," he wisely adds, leading Goku-chan into the kitchen and letting the kid busy himself with unstacking plastic cups for Goku to fill with virgin eggnog. Under Hakkai's watchful eye, they manage to keep the catastrophe count at one. And that one is Gojyo's fault anyhow.

"Oh, is that what that is?" asks Kenren, innocuously sidling over to the entrance to the kitchen with his eyes on the ceiling. "And here I'd never noticed."

Gojyo gives a loud, facetious laugh. Tenpou himself chuckles and leans against the counter next to Gojyo. "You know, Taishou, Hakkai will never get the roast out to the starving masses if you're in his way."

In response, the man shrugs and eases himself lecherously against the wall. "Tradition calls."

Hakkai murmurs something to himself. Gojyo squeaks, startling Goku-chan and causing the boy to upend the two full cups he had clasped in his hands. Goku dives for some paper towels to sop up the mess and ends up getting quite sticky himself. Gojyo pays this no mind, focusing on the epiphany at hand. "You _didn't_."

Hakkai looks up with a small, harrowed smile. He scoots out of the way so Goku can shove Goku-chan under the tap. "Of course I did. What sort of person would I be, excluding them?"

"Please tell me..." Gojyo looks at Hakkai with pleading eyes, gripping the edge of the counter with white-knuckled hands. Goku-chan laughs uproariously, struggling in Goku's hold and effectively soaking them both. Konzen and Sanzo exchange a bit of a meaningful look. Sanzo growls and grabs Goku by the collar, yelling at him to get a change of dry clothes for them both. Goku obliges, dragging Goku-chan along by the hand.

Hakkai shakes his head. "Homura respectfully declined." He holds his hands up, forgetting that in one of them is the butcher knife and in the other is the meat fork. Gojyo jumps back as the sharp objects whir past his face, and Hakkai apologizes again. "Yes, I invited them. I have no idea what came over me. Except perhaps a bit of neighborly camaraderie. He _has_ been very nice to us." Hakkai's look is admonishing.

Gojyo looks away, muttering, "Yeah, well, it's _weird_ having those guys around. Gods, you know?"

"Hm. Like us?" asks Tenpou, sliding smoothly into the conversation. Two resonant slaps in the background signal the discarding of wet clothes into the shower stall.

Gojyo jumps. "Uh. Not like that!" Tenpou rather enjoys disarming Gojyo, and takes this moment to revel in it. Muffled laughter from Goku's bedroom echoes in the wake of Gojyo's cry. Gojyo turns from Tenpou back to Hakkai. He points at the astounding array of food that is beginning to look smaller and smaller. "But still. How is _that_ possibly gonna - "

Gojyo is cut off by another knock. Kenren, closest to the door, opens it.

"Happy Holidays, everyone!" greets Yaone. Behind her are Lirin, Kougaiji, and Dokugakuji. The two men balance huge, steaming pots of food in their arms, and Lirin, insofar as it is possible, is flourishing the turkey.

Gojyo and Kenren entertain fleeting mental images of Yaone elbow-deep in poultry and little else. Euphemisms fail. It does not help that Yaone has exchanged her usual costume for a sheer white sweater and a candy-cane-striped miniskirt. Without all that flying cloth in the way, her silhouette is blatantly and domestically evident.

Kougaiji narrows his eyes, effectively elbowing Gojyo and Kenren's respective libidos in the gut. Hakkai, mindful but selectively ignorant, smiles through all of this. "Ah, hello, Yaone-san! Happy holidays to you as well. Please, bring the food in here and the two Gokus will help you with anything you need. Starting with that mistletoe. Somebody remove it, please, I think we've had enough of it for today." He turns to Gojyo with a satisfied grin and says, "That's how."

* * *

Feeding such a mass of people, even with the reinforcements Yaone has brought to aid Hakkai, is a long and arduous process. The tenuous hold on order in the line wavers often, and the only thing that keeps the group from disbanding into chaos is the collective growling of empty stomachs.

Still, Kenren and Gojyo find time to spike the eggnog. Hakkai immediately notices, his radar going off at the slightest insinuation of mischief, but instead of pouring out the whole batch he simply nudges the two Gokus and Lirin away from the bowl, discouraging the idea of refills.

Sanzo, starved in fiction over and over, eats a great amount, though not with any speed. This is leisure, as Gojyo and Goku fight over a morsel that could be given them again in ten times the volume if only they would ask Hakkai. That defeats the principle of it, and so they continue to squabble. It escalates when Lirin sets her eyes on a slice of meat at which Goku's fork is aimed, but Hakkai dives in with the butcher knife, playing King Solomon and startling the two enough that they each keep the half they are given with no further comment.

Because there is no real dining table, they all eat cloistered around either the kitchen counter or in the den area with plates propped on the coffee table. Konzen is seated on one of the couches, and as he leans to place his cup on the table, the legs of his pants ruck up. Goku-chan gasps.

"Konzen! What happened to your leg?"

"A skiing accident. It's nothing." Konzen pushes his pant legs back down, but not before Goku-chan has gotten a really good look.

Goku-chan throws his arms open, waving them in a circle for effect. "That bruise is huge! ...Wait. Konzen, what's skiing?" Doku's laughter rings after the question in response to Kougaiji's comment on the mastery Hakkai brings from the kitchen to the dining table. Lirin sticks out her tongue and is promptly popped in the back of the head by her elder brother.

Tenpou grins. "Ah, the vagaries of seasonal fiction. Goku, skiing is when a person stands on two slats of wood and lets gravity pull him down a snowy mountain at quite the fair turn of speed."

Kenren snorts into his "happy" 'nog. "I was in that one, too. Konzen here did a flying Wallenda off of the ski lift and banged his shin on some poor unsuspecting snowboarder tryin' to get his bindings on. Must have been something to knock you through your boots like that."

The blonde looks away, busying himself with a mouthful of turkey. Somewhere in the kitchen, Hakkai again shoos Goku away from the bowl of eggnog. Gojyo snickers and Sanzo rolls his eyes, refilling his own cup for the third time.

* * *

When the meal is finally finished, decimating all of the culinary masterwork past the point of even hoping for leftovers, the group crowds around the couches, maintaining conversation and trying to keep comfortable. There is not space for everyone, though, and so some lean against the kitchen counter and others make use of furniture not normally meant to bear such weight.

Lirin perches on the coffee table (as she has been repeatedly expelled from Sanzo's shoulders), and the dishes, for now, sit forgotten in the sink. She cocks her head to the side. "So, hey, what's this whole thing for anyway?"

Hakkai smiles. "Christmas."

Kenren pokes Tenpou. "Should we take offense?" he jests gruffly.

Gojyo laughs. "We've been through that mess. This ain't about religion so much as...uh...as..."

"As family," says Yaone softly. From her position on the couch, flanked by Kougaiji and a standing Dokugakuji, she is very small indeed. Yaone learned first about Christmas from Hakkai, through the books he has lent to her and the conversations that followed. Tenpou learned about it in much the same way. They all depended on Hakkai for the original knowledge, but now each one applies their own nuances of meaning to the holiday. "It is an excuse to come together and be with one another for the sake of it."

Hakkai smiles. "Well-put, Yaone-san. Of course, I'm sure you are wondering why Gojyo and I are wearing bells."

"He caught me unawares, that's how," Gojyo mutters, and Kenren snorts into his hand.

"That as it may be," continues Hakkai, "there _is_ a reason for it. The universal mascot for Christmas is Santa Claus. He comes from various stories handed down from generation to generation, from Knight Ruppert to Black Peter to the symbol that he is now. He is a rather rotund, elderly man in red furs with white trim. He has a hat much like the one Gojyo is wearing, and on Christmas Eve he comes down the chimneys of every good child in the world and brings them presents."

This statement, predictably enough, causes an uproar. Some are horrified at the thought of a man sliding into their house at night, some scoff at the ability of some fat old guy making it to every house in the world in one night, and still others perk up at the word "presents". Hakkai is very glad he had decided to omit the part about flying reindeer with fluorescent noses.

Once everybody stops talking all at once, Goku asks again, "Wait. So this guy doesn't get _arrested_? That's breaking and entering times a gazillion!"

Hakkai laughs. "No, Goku. He is given some license to act outside of the law on Christmas Eve."

Lirin cocks her head to the side. "What if you're bad?"

"Worried?" asks Kenren, earning him a swift kick from Tenpou. Undaunted, Kenren continues, "What I wanna know is, how does he _know_?"

Gojyo coughs into his hand, the expulsion sounding strangely like "Pedophile!"

Hakkai sighs. "Now, now, flawed as the concept may be, Santa Claus exists in the minds of millions of children all around the world, Christian or not. If a child is good, he receives presents come Christmas morning. If he is bad, he gets a lump of coal."

Gojyo laughs and holds up two fingers. "One," he says, ticking off one of the fingers, "that's bribery. Two, you're teaching bad little children how to become arsonists. That's what the tree's for, isn't it?"

Hakkai fights the impulse to smack his own forehead. Tenpou chuckles and comes to his rescue. "No, Gojyo, although I'm sure they've gone up in flames in some households at least once. The tree is just a decoration, with nothing to do with Santa Claus, or whether or not a child is good or bad. The tradition started with the Egyptians and their worship of evergreens. During the winter, they would bring palms into their houses in hopes of a green spring. Romans adopted this practice as well, and gave presents to one another in hopes of prosperity in the following spring. Martin Luther was the one that actually tied the practice into the Christmas tradition, at once bringing the evergreen tree indoors and adding to the impetus to give presents. One puts presents under the canopy of the tree to protect the spoils of the next spring from harm. The tree is a symbol of flourishing life in a bleak time, as Christ was born and as the tree is green in winter. It is the hope for a green spring, a prosperous lifetime, and a sweet afterlife."

There is a beat of silence.

Two beats.

Kenren pokes Tenpou. "Damn, is _that_ what you read all day?"

Tenpou smiles. "One picks these things up."

Goku leaps to his feet, this movement saved only by Sanzo catching the ashtray Goku nearly knocked over. "Hey! We don't have a tree! That means next year is gonna suck!"

Gojyo snorts. "Eh, no worries, saru, we'll manage well enough."

"Didn't you hear?" Goku points to Tenpou. "We gotta have a tree!" His eyes suddenly light with an idea. "Wait. Wait! I got it. Hold on!" With that, Goku rushes from the room.

In his absence, Goku-chan tugs on Konzen's robe. "Hey, Konzen? I've been good, right? Am I going to get presents, huh? Konnn_zennn_..."

Similarly, Lirin bats her eyes at Kougaiji. The handsome youkai quirks an eyebrow. "What could you possibly want from an old, fat surveillance nut?"

Lirin gives the only answer that could be expected from a vibrant, youthful female. "A pony!"

As Lirin laughs, pleased with herself, little Goku tugs again on Konzen's robe. "Hey! D'you think Santa could bring _me_ a pony too? Or...or a puppy? A puppy! Konzen, can I have a puppy?"

Hakkai smiles into the full force of Konzen's sardonic "Thanks so much, really."

Dokugakuji glances over at Kougaiji with a grin. Both remain silent even as Lirin, who might take a dragon out for a spin any time she likes, continues to wheedle about a pony.

Goku trots back into the living room, a huge smile on his face. In front of him, he holds Homura's potted fern in both hands. The plant, under Goku's attentive care and Hakkai's periodic intervention, has maintained a reasonable level of health. The fronds are vibrant and curling over Goku's wrists. "See? It's green! In winter! _And_ it was a present."

He sets the fern down on the coffee table in front of Lirin. Hakkai smiles. "That's...very good, Goku. You've got the concept, at least."

"What an idiot," mutters Sanzo, but halfheartedly.

"It's absolutely darling," says Yaone, unable to help herself. "We'll have a fantastic year, now."

The top of Goku's head threatens to fall off as he beams under the compliment.

"But..." begins Goku-chan. Konzen shoots him an admonishing look, but the question comes out before the boy can stop himself. "Where's the puppy?"

Goku's face falls, but before he can react further, there come three knocks on the door. And three more. And five following. The familiar cadence is at once foreboding and amusing, as Hakkai goes to the door to greet the newest arrivals.

The biggest Original Character he has ever seen stumbles into the room, tugging at his false white beard and dragging a huge, red bag behind him. Before anyone else, Goku-chan recognizes the hat, squeals, and ducks behind Konzen in a mixture of excitement and the acute fear experienced by anybody under the age of fifteen when confronted with a man they have been told can see them when they're sleeping.

"It's SANTA!!"

Lirin, immune to such bounds as fear and protocol, hops up and stares "Santa" in the eye despite their difference in height. The OC tries to look as jolly as possible, and fails rather miserably.

"Holiday bonuses from the administration," he rumbles, reciting rote from a memorized script. "Please enjoy our gifts to you."

With this, he swings the bag out in front of him, opens it, and begins passing out brightly-wrapped packages to everyone in the room. When he gets to Goku-chan, the boy pops his head out and cries, "Is it a puppy?"

"Santa" passes the package to him with a shrug and moves on. When he gets to Gojyo, the kappa holds his leg out to prevent his passage.

"Oi, where's the holiday spirit?" he asks, flicking the bell on Hakkai's Santa hat.

"Santa" furrows his mighty brow and responds, "I'm Jewish."

This admission provokes another uproar. Some ask what the funny word means, others laugh in understanding, and still more inquire as to why this should make any difference. Goku-chan, headmaster of the first group, tugs on Konzen's sleeve to no avail. He turns imploringly to Hakkai, who rubs the back of his head.

"Long story, Goku-chan..."

"That we can save for next year," Yaone cuts in, eliciting a sigh of relief from those steeling themselves for another seasonal lesson. Yaone tactfully implements a favored maneuver when dealing with those younger than she. "Why don't you open your present?"

As Goku-chan tears into the wrapping, Gojyo jerks a thumb over to the bowl of eggnog. "Help yourself, buddy. Look like you need it." He winks at "Santa" and takes an imaginary swig.

"Santa" smiles a bit, replying, "Thanks, but I don't wanna eat and run. Got more floors to do." And laying a finger inside of his nose, "Santa" strolls out the front door, dragging the empty bag behind him. As the door slams shut again, Goku-chan finally manages to tear through the last bit of tape and hold aloft his prize.

"...Shampoo??"

As the others begin to tear into their paper, Tenpou laughs. And when Tenpou's laughter grows loud enough, Kenren begins laughing too. Dokugakuji joins in, and Gojyo follows, tossing his head back. In every lap, on every counter, inside every bright cover of wrapping paper is some standard amenity afforded them all without request. The laughter grows hysterical when Konzen finds he has been presented with three rolls of toilet paper.

"The bugger wanted to leave before we got these things open so he could get away with it!" cries Gojyo, tears streaming down his cheeks. "He _got_ us so bad!"

Tenpou grins over at Kenren. "So, any plans for those?" he asks, poking the box of Tampons in the man's lap. Lirin snorts loudly enough to attract attention to Kenren and Tenpou. The taishou seems to be at a loss for words, and so only pitches the box at Lirin.

"Merry Christmas, pipsqueak."

Lirin, in turn, pitches her present at him. "I think you'll need these more!" she cries, sticking out her tongue. The odor-absorbing shoe inserts land squarely in Kenren's lap, and the onlookers howl with laughter.

And so the gift exchange begins, where those who were given fairly innocuous presents pass them on to those that deserve them for the sake of comic relief. Even under Hakkai's watchful eye, the eggnog has been depleted enough that everyone is pleasantly buzzed. Outright drunkenness is kept in check not only by canonically strong constitutions but the careful guarding of the rations still left.

Homura's fern is decked with balled-up squares of toilet paper, strung with dental floss, and crowned with a bar of soap that had been clumsily carved into a star. This star topples from the fronds within minutes, but nobody pays attention.

* * *

It is a while before Goku notices that his doppelganger is asleep in Konzen's lap. "Hey, uh..."

Konzen holds up a finger, motioning for quiet. "He's finally stopped squirming."

Yaone smiles over at them. "It is a tempting proposition."

Kougaiji nods. "Then let us go. I would hate to overstay our welcome."

"Says the man who barely spoke," comments Gojyo under his breath. "At least Doku would arm-wrestle me."

"And humiliate you time after time," Kougaiji adds with a bit of a smirk. He stands and holds out a hand to Yaone, who takes it with a nod of thanks. Kougaiji excuses himself to go look for Lirin, who had disappeared some time earlier on a bathroom trip that has taken far too long.

Yaone straightens her sweater and skirt, unused to standing after being seated for so long. She crosses the room to Hakkai and gives him a bit of a hug. "Shall I take the pans?"

Hakkai laughs. "Don't worry about it. One of us will take care of it."

Gojyo visibly twitches, and Doku bites back a laugh. "He means you, huh?"

Gojyo nods. "Yeah, if I'm around I get suckered into it. Kinda owe him anyhow."

"If you're that easy to guilt into stuff, I'm coming around more often," Doku teases.

Gojyo grins. "Only if you want to leave Yaone unguarded." He points over Doku's shoulder to where Kenren is seeing Yaone out. The lanky man looms over Yaone with one arm stretched lazily over his head. In his hand, the mistletoe dangles between their heads. Yaone is blushing and trying to back away without seeming rude. Doku sighs, claps his half-brother on the shoulder, and strolls over to Kenren.

With one swift motion, he plucks the mistletoe out of the man's fingers, crushes it in his meaty fist, and wraps his other arm protectively about Yaone's shoulders.

"We had a great time, Hakkai!" Doku calls, ushering her out the door. "We ought to do it again sometime!"

Kougaiji comes a few seconds later, dragging Lirin by her collar. "I apologize," he says with a stiff bow, "for any disarray she may have caused. Thank you for your hospitality."

As she is led out the door, Lirin calls, "Don't worry, Sanzo! I won't tell anybody!"

As one, six sets of eyes swivel to stare questioningly at Sanzo. The monk grits his teeth for a moment, but then hisses, "If she doesn't tell, what the hell makes you think _I_ will?"

Gojyo grins. "Now, you see, before you said that, we all could of just thought she was joking."

"Curiosity killed the kappa," Hakkai hisses, and Goku snorts.

Kenren mourns, "Damn, he killed a good handful of mistletoe right there." He wipes his hands on his pants.

"Thank you for entering the conversation," remarks Tenpou. "However, I feel we should take our cues from the others and bow out before another of us falls asleep."

Goku turns to Konzen. "D'you need help...um...carrying Goku back?"

Kenren ruffles Goku's hair. "Nah, we got him."

Within moments, they are gone.

Sanzo lights a cigarette and stares at Homura's fern. Gojyo comes to sit next to him. "Cute, ain't it? I'm so stuffed with holiday togetherness I think I'm going to puke." He pulls the hat off with a soft tinkling of the bells and runs a hand through his sweaty hair.

"Funny," Sanzo murmurs. "How no one got called away."

Gojyo relaxes with a yawn. "Hell, we oughtta get a day off every once in a while. We worked earlier."

"Hn." Through the gray haze of smoke, the fern is still green.

"That was nice, wasn't it?" asks Hakkai, pulling the bells from his neck. "I'll deal with the dishes in the morning. It's not like they can get worse."

"Yeah, yeah, all work and no play." Gojyo rings the bell on the hat. "Bed sounds good."

"Bed _does_ sound good," Goku agrees, and the four of them trudge off to sleep, reasonably content.

* * *

The double doors swing open. Homura, Zenon, and Shien stumble into the hallway, haggard with exhaustion.

Homura stretches out his back. "Nice work," he says, unlocking the door to their apartment. "I am sure we were appreciated."

"Whatever possessed you," Zenon says, "let's make that a one-time thing."

Homura smirks. "Indeed. I had no idea the concept would actually work. Enough people acting out of character to cause a glitch in the entire system. No new fictions until the error is resolved. Could you imagine what would happen if one day we all decided to revolt?"

At the stricken looks on his comrades, Homura chuckles. "Exactly why this little miracle goes unexplained."

Shien shakes his head, readjusting his shoulders. "You know, you could have just told Hakkai you had other plans."

* * *

Notes:

devinewaterdragon: Nice to meet you! Points! Thanks for the pocky, and also for the idea! Butter chair. Hee.

Koinu-Chan: I think I may just spoof on the word 'spoff', thankyouverymuch.

Nightfall Rising: Aie! I made you squeal! And yes, that is something one _should_ encourage, I think. Spread the love.

KawaiiLilMarron: Um. That scares me, just a little. Then again, I saw the Gundam Senshi a while ago, so I'm kinda jaded. Eeh. ...And...eh...Goku and Shuuichi in the same room? That's even more frightening. And yet inspiring. I rub my chin conspiritorially.

TheRhoda: Points! Hee, the plushies are so cute - why not a Nii plushie? You'd think he'd have a field day in the stuffed bunny section!

Hakkai'sHerFavorite: I read that fic - um...ri-ight. I think that's all I'm going to say on that one.

Joonie: Points! Bananafish, yes. That was actually lifted straight from an after-lit discussion one day. Hee. Gotta love my coursemates.

Jadesword: Points! Um...Finding Nemo? And Saiyuki? I am...frightened...

Angelic-Kitten: Points! Suspenseful points! Hee. Clothing is optional, indeed. No shirt, no shoes...full-service.

Crimson1: Thanks for review number 300! Major points to you for the milestone! Thanks so much! I love Homura's fern, too. It was originally meant to be a one-time gag, but it's growing on me. (Ah-haha, bad pun.)

Asian-Orange: Points. CUTE points. Hee, I'm proud of myself if you almost got caught reading my fic too late at night. Woo.

Karu Leonnese: Destructive points! Heeh, Hakkai-crossdressing always does funny things to cats, I suppose... (You take that one and run with it.)

Sparrow319: Lol! Kinky points! I think I'll leave the Full Monty to the imagination, though. Else that chapter would be longer (uh...or shorter?) than this one. Geez, what is it with me and really bad puns tonight?

Falling Z: Nice to meet you! Scandalous points, and welcome too! Yay for those who have read Salinger in all its depressing glory. Eh heh.

Orenda: Points! Hm. Hurting the drapery while writing Breakroom? I might just have to try that to see if I can do it. Hmmm...

Kanzeyori: _SEXY_ points. You have no idea how much introspection was given to _your_ drapery comment in particular. I had a nosebleed like crazy. Damn you.

Optimoose: Points! Not only for cleverness, but for making me the happiest little fangirl in the world today - yes, the package came. I bow to you in love and wonderment! ...Eek, Goku the married man? Married to ChiChi? ...she...does have things in common with Sanzo. That scares me to no end. And yet I giggle. Also, I've never heard of 'Tactics' but now am inclined to go look it up. Hrmmm...

Treneka: Dead points! Aw...LIVE, darn you! In answer to question 1, reread the first chapter. I explain it there. In answer to question 2, because they are expendable and aren't developed as well as OC's that actually have dialogue or are pivotal plot points, they don't even exist outside of ficland. Sort of like scenery.

Runefallstar: !! Shut up Curtains is almost better! Oh, and "fic toaster" is a _great_ name for the little slot in the kitchen. I laughed out loud at that one. And...uh...Homura in a thong. Yesss...

Akiko Koishii: No worries, thanks for the note!

Me-Nuriko: Points! Wow, I'm not so inspired either. Writing so many of these really takes it out of you. Doesn't mean I love you any less, of course ;)

Quatrapiller: Nice to meet you, new fan! Hope this fiction gives you something to fall back on after the vagaries of the Saiyuki section of eff eff dot net.

WildeLamassu: Ooh. I am now very curious about "Banana Fish" the manga. And I giggled like crazy at the metaphor - nono, I don't think so. See, they're thick enough to require equals signs. Bad Karot, bad.


	26. Break the Twenty Sixth

A/N: "Freefall" is property of Joyce Sweeney. The reference is vague enough but it is there. It is the one teen novel I've stood enough to read more than once. 

Hello, lovies! Good to see you all again after my long stay away. Okay, long for me. In the time since the Christmas chapter, I have done much. My skiing trip was t3h awesome and I'm going next weekend too! I caved and got a LiveJournal (see link in my bio) though I'll prolly only really use it for fic update notifications. Also, I got tons and tons and tons of new music. Inspiration fodder, yes, but more than that - you have no idea how good for you dancing is.

Anyway. Today's buzzword is "accordion" because today I played one for the first time ever. And it was hella fun.

Notes to my lovely reviewers at the end.

* * *

Somewhere, there is the rustle of pages in inexperienced hands. Rough fingers catch on unglossed pages, unused to traction and delicate paper. When a page is turned, it is after an extensive, exhausting, rewarding interval. A chuckle is cut short at a warning, perfunctory knock on the door heralding the entrance of a surprising face.

"Was the door unlocked?" asks Gojyo, looking up into Tenpou's smile.

"Why, no." The man brandishes a key card. "This belongs to Hakkai. He and I have the same taste in bookmarks," he explains with a wink. He places the card key on the kitchen counter, and then stops still, bearing the expression of one hit in the back of the head with a brick. "Are you sure you're Kenren's incarnation?"

Gojyo raises his eyebrow, leaning over the back of the couch. "Whaddayamean, am I sure?"

"It is just that...I see a book in your lap."

Gojyo resists the urge to react on his ire at the observation. He knows, has watched fictional flashbacks detailing Tenpou's strength and physical prowess, and doesn't want to risk getting his ass kicked over a book. "Yeah, you do. Goku hides the controllers to his video games and hell if I'd watch Sanzo's television. Some things aren't worth getting shot. The stupid set's in black and white."

Tenpou smiles as if he had found a quarter in the street. "Well, what are you reading?"

"Hakkai picked it out for me," Gojyo responds, dog-earing his place and pitching the book at Tenpou. As expected, it is caught without comment.

Tenpou thumbs through the text, trying not to make disapproving sounds at Gojyo's treatment of his reading material. Coffee stains, cigarette ash, and creases from folded pages mar the passages, sometimes to the point of unintelligibility. Yet, Gojyo is _reading_ for _leisure_. And the book does not have pictures, nor does it appear to involve any sexual debauchery whatsoever. Tenpou raises an eyebrow at the genre of the book, but he supposes the redhead's vocabulary isn't as expansive as it possibly could be. Same goes for his reading skills. All circumstances considered, Tenpou is reasonably impressed, and hands the book back to Gojyo with a smile on.

"Don't tell me I may have to share Hakkai's library with yet another person," Tenpou comments, and laughs.

Gojyo snorts. "Yeah, right. Don't you have your own anyhow?"

"Well, ours are different," Tenpou says, coming to sit next to Gojyo on the couch and shoving his hands into the pockets of his coat. "My library consists mainly of historical texts and other possessions I have in canon. Every once in a while, one itches for modern satire. Hakkai and I do share a fondness for good, honest fiction."

"So," Gojyo replies with a leer, "who gets the cheesy two-dollar romance novels and love poems?"

Tenpou pauses for a long moment, biting down on the inside of his cheek. Finally, he suggests, "You should inquire next door."

Gojyo grunts, gruffly saying, "Hey, I think you got something wrong there. I mean, Yaone's got her cooking stuff, Lirin's got a computer, Kou's got his mom, and ... oh, God. You're _kidding_ me."

Tenpou grins. "You know, I almost wish I were. But neither Hakkai nor I have space to hold the sheer amount of those books that are pumped out every day. And I cannot begin to express my gladness of the fact that nobody on this floor even thought to mention the word 'comic' or anything of the sort."

In response, Gojyo crosses his eyes. "I could have lived _so_ well without that ever crossing my mind..."

"Yes, well," Tenpou replies and chuckles. "I couldn't leave without giving you something to keep you awake at night. I wouldn't want to risk missing one of my own cues, so I'll be off."

"See ya," says Gojyo, waving over his shoulder and reopening his book. The door does not so much as close before it is opened again, allowing Goku, Hakkai, and Sanzo to stumble in. Sanzo immediately hurries to one of the bathrooms and Goku zooms into the kitchen to shove some food into his mouth.

"Enjoying the book?" Hakkai asks weakly.

Gojyo gives a monosyllabic response and a short nod before looking up at Hakkai. "Jeezus! You look awful."

Hakkai musters a pained smile and explains, "I fear there may be a...highly selective fiction contest going on somewhere."

"Uh oh," says Gojyo, his face already contorting in sympathy. "What is it this time?"

Sanzo emerges from the bathroom, holding his stomach and near spitting with frustration. "You wanna know what it is? Make-up sex! Oh, no, not _just_ make-up sex. Hakkai-violates-Sanzo-make-up-sex. Everybody's just gotta _fuck the blonde_." He jams the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. "So first we yell at each other and then there's a sappy apology or he takes out his anger on me and _then_ it's ass to the ceiling, monkboy. D'you know in the last one I was crying? Fuckin' crying!" Sanzo snarls and looks away.

It is Goku who responds first. "Ouch."

"Yeah," mutters Sanzo. "I'm feeling sick again. I swear if the next one's another song fiction I'm going to shoot something."

"Big surprise there," Gojyo comments while ducking behind the couch for safety. "Try and have fun with it. It'll make the time go faster. Especially in those ones that are sorta descriptive but leave a lot to the imagination. I swear if one of you can, break out into the chicken dance."

Goku laughs hard. Hakkai jerks a thumb over at him. "If we did that while arguing, we'd get stuck that way."

Gojyo shrugs. "Then be subtle. Bunny ears, a little softshoe; s'long as nobody reacts you can get away with anything."

Goku grins. "Yeah! And if you get the word 'orb' you gotta stick your tongue out. It'll be like bingo! Gemstone references, you gotta stick your finger in your ear or something."

"It's better than praying for a power outage, you know?" Gojyo finishes with a laugh. "We ought to make up a set of rules just for the hell of it. We know we can keep straight faces and all."

"If it's a songfic you gotta jump one one foot the entire time!" Goku cries, triumphant. "And if there's a mayonnaise joke Hakkai's gotta make double the food for dinner."

Hakkai chuckles and rubs the back of his head. "Oh, dear. Well, I suppose that's all right, but only if every use of gratuitous Japanese in a fiction written in any other language merits me first dibs on the shower without having to share the water heater."

"You drive a hard bargain," says Gojyo, "but that's way too often to cut both bathrooms off. Howbout only if the fiction's real messy?"

"Unless," Sanzo cuts in, "we get caught in the 'dessert' again, in which case everything is up for grabs."

"And if I have to angst Hakkai makes _triple_ the food for dinner!" declares Goku.

"Geez, you gotta learn to put your mind on other things, animal," mutters Gojyo.

Hakkai laughs. "Things just wouldn't be the same. I agree to all the terms, but I will only make triple food for Goku if he promises _not_ to try to help me."

"After angsting over Sanzo for too long I don't want to do _anything_," assures Goku, rolling his eyes.

"But here's a good rule," says Gojyo. "If somebody says 'I love you' more than three times in one chapter, the game's off because you don't wanna risk getting stuck in that one."

The others respond with complete and exasperated agreement.

Gojyo grins. "We gotta write these down sometime."

"Why? To impose them on everybody else?" mutters Sanzo dryly.

"Nah. To make sure nobody cheats and makes up a rule about Hakkai cookin' quadruple."

Goku growls and jumps over the back of the couch, a fist in Gojyo's hair before he even lands.

The pleasant chime echoes over the din of wrestling, and a slip of paper ratchets into view. Hakkai, nearest the slot, grabs the paper and makes a resigned face. "Hakkai and Sanzo are fighting again. Over a girl. Differences," he reads, "are eventually reconciled."

Gojyo and Goku stop fighting for long enough to make sympathetic noises before the two leave the room. And then Goku realizes his hand is still in Gojyo's hair and that Gojyo's foot is still in his stomach. The war resumes.

* * *

Somewhere, the mad clicking of keys is the only sound. Their rapid rhythm is unbroken, even as a giggle tumbles into the air.

* * *

Notes: Dun dun DUNNNNNN...

D-Chan: Inspiring Homura/Goku is _not_ a bad thing. Seriously, using the fern reminded me of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" so I couldn't resist. Glad you liked it :)

Joonie: Points! See: "The Santa Clause". X3 Glad you liked it! I think chapter 25 is way up there with my favorites.

Hakkai'sHerFavorite: Points, even if you're yelling at me ;) Ouch! Your poor wrist! Well, I didn't fall on my trip at all so things were cool - even though the conditions were terrible. Can you say: White-out? Ah well, it was good anyhow. Hee.

Crimson1: Um. Wow. That's another chapter of Breakroom _altogether_. Thanks a bunch for the compliments blush

Koinu-Chan: Well, heh, chapter thirteen or whatever it was (Goku's nightmare) basically dealt with that idea, only in major numbers. The OCs I used are mine, but they are so Mary-Sue they really fit both categories. Eh heh. And as you can see, Goku didn't have a good time at _all_.

Asian-Orange: Points! Except for the whole Killing-Santa thing. Eesh, they probably would. And _then_ realize he gave out presents. Meep Meep!

Silver Raven 014: Here you go :)

Caffinebunny: La-a-azy. But points nonetheless ;) Yay for you and your Grune reference-catching! It's like Where's Waldo cheesecake...Or something. Ehh.

Jadesword: Ooooo! Sweets for Karot! Thankyou! And yes, I did, thanks very much!

Sparrow319: Points! Flattering points! Aww. ...oh, geez, Saiyuki pagan fertility? Man would that _ever_ kill Gojyo not to be able to go XD And if Yaone ever had a sense of maternity, she ought to be reminded that she still has her hands full with Lirin...o.O;

Zelgadis55: Nice use of "chimney" - points! I think that's my favorite line, too XD

Schizo The Mentally Disturbed: Glad you liked it, and nice to meet you!

Devinewaterdragon: -ness-ness? Hmmm. Loch ness. Loch nog. Dingly loch nog. Thanks for the pocky. I'm incoherent, nice to meet you.

Akiko Koishii: It's okay :) If you read and it makes you smile, that's all I care about.

OptiMoose: Oh, gosh, the canon puppy. I totally forgot about the canon puppy. It may very well be hanging around. And, well, perhaps inspiration will hit once my brain's settled down a bit. Eh-heh.

Mezi: How could I forget you? And yes, I know of the UruSai! scene with San-chan in the reindeer suit. X3 Points, if freaky. And I -have- been on AIM. I just don't poke you enough and my screen name has been changed. I think it's in my bio though.

Sohmachi: You know, I'm not sure how fun it would be to have Gojyo around. But it'd definitely be interesting to find out XD

Aki: Aw, thanks. Here's another chapter for ya.

Lilghost: Although I don't normally respond to reviews to chapters other than the one immediately prior to the one I'm posting, your review really caught my eye. Aside from the length, I laughed quite a bit. Especially at the perpetual-breakroom-fic idea. Whoo, boy. As for collaborating, you have no idea what a bitch I could be. But we can always work out ideas with one another if you'd like. Gimme a buzz sometime :)


	27. Break the Twenty Seventh

A/N: Hello and welcome, lovies! 

Yay. I'm going skiing again tomorrow. And finals week is over. And so many other good things have been going on that 'yay' is the best word for it. Woohoo.

Twenty-seven is three cubed. It is also the third cubic. With all of these threes flying around, someone's bound to get hit. Ooh.

This update's buzzword is "Copernicus" because apparently it's the best battle cry ever. I'll take his word on it.

Notes to my reviewers at the end.

* * *

Somewhere, four handsome men stumble through a revolving door and each rummage for their respective sets of keys. The hall in which they stand has two doors on each side. The white walls are stained, scratched, scrawled upon in a mural of leftover blood, the remnants of food fights, and some pieces of clingy Mary-Sues. Each of the three doors being unlocked by their respective owners has a little plaque with the bearer's name. And a few others. Hakkai's comes open first.

He looks inside and his eyes light first upon a familiar labcoat on the peg by the door, and then upon the littering of papers that hides the floor. And he smiles with no small measure of affection. Outside, there come the explosive welcomes from zealous roommates next door and across the hall. But inside, all is peace and quiet, and for the moment this is all Hakkai could ever ask for.

The walls are soft gray, illuminated by weak white light fixtures in polished chrome. Inside the kitchen, the tile is dark both on counter and floor, so that on cleaner days the counter is very nearly a perfect mirror. The kitchen is separated from the den by this counter, and in this den is one television set and entertainment center, two armchairs upholstered in soft gray, and a low coffee-table of steel and glass. Two bedrooms branch away from the den, and one bathroom connects the two bedrooms. There are no windows, but two radiators and a linen closet.

Hakkai bends down and straightens a few papers, enough to make a path so that he might walk from the door to his claimed armchair. In the other one, Tenpou is curled over a book, asleep. Hakkai checks the ashtray for anything burning. Those in glass houses should not throw stones, and those in a sea of paper do not start campfires. The brunette stretches a bit, then falls into his armchair, unable to do much more than sit for a few moments. He is tired beyond caring, sprawling with his legs hanging over one of the armrests and his head on the other. The chair rocks a bit with the impact, and this lulls Hakkai into a doze.

Tenpou's voice breaks into the haze. "Long day?"

"Indeed," responds Hakkai through lazy lips and half-closed eyes. "Hope you don't mind if dinner's late."

Tenpou laughs. "Is my cooking really that bad?"

Hakkai smiles a bit. "Not really. I suppose I'm just in the habit of caring for messy, smoking roommates. At least you use the ashtray for your cigarettes. Have you been reading all day?"

Tenpou shrugs one shoulder. "Except for something earlier on, all has been quiet." With one foot, the Marshall kicks out and nudges Hakkai's chair enough to make it rock again.

Hakkai murmurs in appreciation. "Trade me?"

* * *

Not long after Hakkai's door clicked behind him, Sanzo finally gets his and Goku's door open. And immediately wishes he hadn't. Goku-chan perches happily on the kitchen counter, waving ecstatically when Sanzo and Goku enter.

"Hi, Sanzo! Hi, Goku! Did you guys have a good day?" He hops down and pads over to the two of them. "You look tired."

"Why are you over here this time, Goku-chan?" asks Goku, smiling a bit at the observation.

Goku-chan's expression visibly drops, and he presses his two index fingers together. "Konzen told me to play in here while he got work done."

Sanzo rolls his eyes with a growl. "When does _he_ do anything? We're supposed to be on _break_."

Goku-chan shrugs. "I don't know; he just sits at his desk all day and stamps things like he always does. And the stamps aren't even different. At least when Ten-chan showed me how to make stamps from potatoes I could make different ones. Hey, maybe Konzen needs some different stamps. So he won't be all bored."

Goku grins. "I think you wanna ask him first. Ooh, _potatoes_. French fries. Food. Hungry." He crosses into the kitchen, opening the fridge and diving in headfirst. "Aw, man, we're all out of Hakkai's leftovers. Eew! Moldy bagel!" The offending item sails over Goku's shoulder and lands with a clang in the sink. Goku mutters to himself while rummaging. "Sanzo's giant jar of mayo, celery, beer, beer, beer, an orange! And...Sanzo, did you put _peanut butter_ in the fridge?"

Sanzo quirks an eyebrow, not interested enough to make an issue out of it. Goku goes instead for the freezer.

"Well. Here's the jelly. I wonder if this thing's microwave-safe?" Goku hefts the frozen jelly jar in one hand. "Hey, Sanzo..."

"I'm sure it never came to be a manufacturing question," Sanzo responds, sitting in an armchair and grabbing a newspaper from the coffee table. Goku huffs, leaves the jelly on the counter to thaw, and tears into the orange instead.

It is a few moments before Sanzo realizes he is being intently watched. He looks up from his paper, slips his reading glasses further down his nose, and looks over them. Goku-chan sits cross-legged in Goku's chair, staring at Sanzo. "Shouldn't you go back to Konzen?"

Goku-chan ignores the question. "Geez, why don't you ever read anything fun? You and Konzen look mad when you're reading stuff."

"This _is_ fun." Sanzo returns his attention to his paper and Goku-chan rolls his eyes.

Goku looks around, pulling a spoon from the drawer and shoving it into the peanut butter. "Hey, Goku-chan, how long have you been in here?" He pops the loaded spoon into his mouth and digs around for a glass for water.

"Dunno, why?" Goku-chan waits until Goku can again be coherent before even saying this.

Goku bites his tongue, not wanting to intimate that Goku-chan is a walking disaster area. He knows best how exactly to annoy himself, five-hundred-year age-gap or not. "I was just wondering what you did to keep yourself busy. I know you hate being bored." And he replaces the spoon, just to ensure he says nothing more.

"Oh!" Goku-chan rolls off of Goku's chair and crawls over the floor to a pile of crayons and a pad of paper. "I drew pictures. 'Cause when I tried to read some of the stuff around here it was really boring. Like when I tried reading some of Konzen's papers."

Goku grins. "There's got to be _something_ similar about them, right, Goku-chan? Come on; let's go see how Konzen's doing. I think he'll be glad to have you back. Hey," he adds as they're heading out the door, "D'you think Konzen has any jelly that's not rock solid?"

* * *

"Yo!" Gojyo greets, swinging easily into the apartment and shrugging out of his coat and boots. He collapses backwards over his chair, feet waving in the air. Kenren grunts in greeting, then resumes pitching a rubber ball at the wall.

"Here," says Gojyo, and Kenren shifts trajectory just enough to hurl the ball at his roommate instead. Upside-down, Gojyo catches it well enough, but he's got to fall over to right himself so he doesn't risk pegging the lamp behind Kenren. The game of catch escalates until they're throwing as fast as possible, accuracy be damned. When Gojyo misses an errant throw, the ball bounces crazily through the kitchen, finally coming to rest on top of the refrigerator with a loud thunk.

"Hn. I thought you were _good_ at baseball," Gojyo taunts.

Kenren snorts. "You were the one who couldn't catch it. Damn it, now I've got to get up."

Gojyo hoists himself upright. "You sit. I know how getting up's so tough for other guys." Gojyo dodges the ballistic lighter aimed at his head and manages to catch it before it hits the ground. He retrieves the ball, pitches the lighter to Kenren, and plunks down in the chair with the ball balanced on his forehead.

"Show-off," Kenren mutters, but grins. Gojyo bows and the ball falls off, rolling over to Kenren's foot. The general retrieves it, making a show of passing the ball to his own forehead without using his hand and balancing it there for a few seconds.

"You've been practicing," comments Gojyo as Kenren throws the ball back to him.

"What the hell else is there to do around here?" Kenren leans his head on one hand and plays catch with the other. "There's no trees to nap in, no drink, no women, nobody to annoy the hell out of, and heaven forbid I go bug Tenpou in his library. _Especially_ when Hakkai's in, too."

Gojyo laughs. "That's a lion's den, that is."

"Oh, _God_, have you ever walked in on a philosophical argument? The flying references damn' near took my head off." Kenren has to lunge a bit to catch Gojyo's throw and grunts when the ball makes contact.

"Whoop," offers Gojyo by way of apology. "And yeah, I have. Scary stuff. Hey, Kenren?"

Kenren catches. "I'm here." Kenren throws.

Gojyo catches. "Did you and Tenpou..." Gojyo throws. "You know. Did you ever..."

Kenren throws. "Ever what?"

Gojyo catches. Gojyo throws. Kenren catches. Kenren throws. Gojyo catches. Gojyo holds. "Did you and Tenpou ever fuck? I mean in canon. Really fuck?"

Gojyo throws. Kenren catches. Kenren tosses the ball into the air a few times before pitching it back to Gojyo. Gojyo catches. Gojyo throws without looking into Kenren's face.

Kenren catches. "I won't tell you." Kenren throws.

Gojyo catches. "Right. Sorry, man. Bad question." Kenren catches.

Kenren laughs. Gojyo catches. "If you're anything like me it'd fuck with your head something awful, wouldn't it? Knowing your past body had his." Kenren throws. Gojyo catches. Gojyo holds, staring at Kenren. The general grins. "Yeah, it'd drive you _nuts_ because every time you went into canon you'd think about it. We have to because _they_ did it. Or we shouldn't because _they_ didn't. Or we shouldn't because they already did. Or we should because they _didn't_ because they...ran out of time."

Gojyo drops the ball into his lap.

* * *

"Yaone! That's so sad!" Lirin cries.

Yaone jumps a foot. "Lirin-sama! How long have you been there? You know it's rude to sneak up on people."

Lirin puts her hands on her hips and says, "It's _my_ room and _my_ computer. You want to lecture me on being rude? You only had to ask, Yaone!"

Yaone blushes furiously, eyes downcast. "I'm sorry, Lirin. You're right. I should have asked you."

Lirin grins. "It's okay. Really, I think you should finish this before the guys get back. Onii-chan and Doku are having a good time with the peace and quiet around here."

Yaone pauses a moment, staring inquisitively into Lirin's eyes. "Lirin...you do realize..."

Lirin's grin grows wider. "Keep writing, Yaone. I won't tell them if you won't!"

* * *

Notes: MAN that was fun. The Breakroom that could have been.

Nightengale13: I have no idea, really. XD Actually, this story was meant to be a one-shot, if the author's notes from chapter one are as clear as I'd meant them to be. It's gotten out of hand, really, but so long as I have good material I'll continue. Just please, please, _please_ tell me when it's becoming crappy. I'd really like this to end while I'm ahead...but I have at least four more chapters planned, not to mention my .txt file filled with ever more suggestions.

Angevar: Gosh, way too much for -me- to think about o.O;

Therhoda: Points! As for The Rules, there were too many. They'd need a fiction like ...well... The Breakroom for reference XD As for a contest thing, I don't know where the venue would be (aside from maybe my LJ or the author mb?) because, well, I'm apparently already cutting it close by responding to your reviews. I'll see what happens, though :)

KawaiiLilMarron: Aww, thanks. And, well...perhaps you only find 58 because you want to. Chapter six notwithstanding XD

Hakkai'sHerFavorite: Points! And yes, it was awesome. I felt kinda like Weird Al. Lol that seems to be everybody's favorite line. As for the mental image - I tremble...

Schizo The Mentally Disturbed: You -almost- had it. Thusly you get the 'smart cookie' award for this particular review session. It was Lirin's computer, at least...XP

Sparrow319: Heh, Nii's got various other...instruments. Dokugakuji gets the romance novels both at Optimoose's suggestion and my love of the idea. Oh, and extra points for sneakily hiding the buzzword in there. The Valentine's Day chapter is actually being constructed as I type. By other people o.O; drop by the author mb to see what I mean - it's an open forum on what people want to see on V-Day.

Jadesword: I think it says that he's somewhat of a romantic at heart. Just a big ol' softie. XD Everybody has their funny quirks. And you get lots of points for giving me the mental image of what Kenren would try to do with an accordion. It nearly merits a montage.

Asian-Orange: Points! Accordions are very cool, but so complicated! I'm used to looking at a horizontal piano keyboard and now all of a sudden it's vertical. o.O; Not to mention the bellows motion. Yig. And I'm glad you liked everybody's favorite line XD Meep Meep!

Nightfall Rising: gigglefit oh, dear. Well if ever I need quadruple the food, I know who to call (and what language to use!)

Addictedtomarbles: Glad you liked it XD

Joonie: Points! And yeah it was awesome. I am such a dork - they're FUN like crazy, though. Glad you liked chapter 26 - hope chapter 27 was fun too!


	28. Pheromoan

A/N: Hello, folks. This is the long-awaited Singles Awareness Day chapter. It is much like the Christmas chapter for the following reasons: It is huge, it is complex, it took me forever to write, and I owe quite a bit of it to OptiMoose. Those who frequent the author MB will know what I'm talking about. (Threadname "My Funny Valentine") Much of this chapter is also credited to Treneka, without whom a certain idea would never have crossed my mind. And to Iapetus, for helping me make a rather important decision. She says to credit Bunny Urasawa's "True Romance", a doujinshi that provided me with a rather priceless mental image. 

Warning: This chapter is spoilery like fuck. Well, not that fuck is spoilery, but this chapter is really spoilery. Yes.

The buzzword of the chapter is the corniest pick-up line you can possibly give me. Think hard on it, folks. I want the worst you've got. Muahaha.

Notes to my reviewers at the end of the chapter, as always.

* * *

Somewhere, there is laughter. Somewhere, there is vibrant life and encompassing, forgiving, accepting love. Somewhere, under the rainbow, bluebirds fly.

Here there is the cynicism of the jaded and the humor in the sordid. One Genjo Sanzo, a golden idol, sits buried to his neck in valentines. There are so many bouquets that no counter space is left and a few vases totter unsteadily on the couch. The door is thrown wide open to allow passage of original character after original character bearing bags upon bags of cards. The last is a familiar face.

Ren saunters over to Sanzo on the couch, one eyebrow raised high. "You sure make a lot of friends."

Sanzo shifts and an avalanche of perfumed, pink paper tumbles to the floor. "Blame crossovers."

Ren grins. "Poor guy. I've got one more thing for you. Look; a stuffed bunny. It's pretty unique, huh?"

The expression on Sanzo's face is carefully blank as he reaches up to accept the gift. There is no tag on it, nor is there any marking that would indicate that this stuffed bunny is any different from the thousands of stuffed bunnies existing in the world. Without looking back at Ren, Sanzo takes firm grip of the top of the bunny's head and tears it away.

Nestled inside of the stuffing is a small roll of paper, decorated on the outside with two green stripes. Sanzo sneers, snarls, pulls the paper out of the beheaded bunny and opens the note. There is nothing on it.

"What do you want?" Sanzo asks, knowing Ren is looking over his shoulder.

Clearly startled, Ren mutters, "Nothing. Creepy, that. Uh. Happy V-day."

"Yeah." Sanzo holds the bunny for a while, enough of his character asserting itself so that he seethes instead of experiencing acute anxiety. For the moment, it takes his mind away from the love notes in his lap. Ren does not shut the door behind him, and so Sanzo gets up, causing another cascade of falling envelopes in the process, to lock himself in.

Instead of completing his intended task, Sanzo comes face-to-face with a very haggard Gojyo. In a diaper.

In fact, the monk is so taken aback by the sight that he continues the process of closing the front door and, in effect, flattens Gojyo's approaching foot against the doorframe.

"God _damn_ it what was that for?" Gojyo howls, bending down to cradle what will soon be brilliantly bruised skin.

"Ch. Baby," is all Sanzo can think of to reply.

The irony is not lost on Gojyo, who defensively cries, "I'm _Cupid_, okay? I got stuck in a fiction where I was the one floating around set-gyah!" Gojyo gives a very undignified yelp as Hakkai pinches one of his love handles and forces him to revert. The brunette ducks into the room under Gojyo's arm, giving Sanzo a bright smile and apparently taking no notice of the mess of adoration into which their den has been transformed.

"Uh…Hakkai?" Gojyo calls, rubbing the spot that had been pinched. "You in a hurry?"

Hakkai pops out of his room a second later, an easy smile on his face. He keeps his hands behind his back. "Why, yes, actually. No rush, you see, but I _do_ have somewhere that I need to be. Errands to run, and all of that. I'll be back in a minute or so."

And with that, Hakkai is gone. Gojyo looks past Sanzo, finally registering the sheer volume of perfume permeating the room. And then he looks down to Sanzo.

"…Are you holding half a bunny?"

* * *

Kougaiji stands in his kitchen, absently eating an apple. He has been eating this apple for the past twenty minutes or so, listening to the sounds of Yaone down the hall as she talks to herself. It is, in a word, amusing. He knows his sister and his apothecary have bonded in nearly the sense of a mother and daughter, but the looks they have been giving one another recently have been outside of the norm. He supposes he will only bring it up if their behavior causes a problem, but the constant in-jokes are beginning to irk him to no end. He wonders what is so funny about frozen strawberry jelly.

His reverie is broken by a measured, authoritative knock. Kougaiji puts down the slice of apple he had not been eating and goes to greet the visitor, absently wondering if Lirin had forgotten her keys again.

The sight in front of Kougaiji is nothing less than dazzling. Homura Toushin Taishi is groomed impeccably to the point of gleaming, with buffed skin, hair that is clean and tangle-free, a shining smile, and a daringly tight outfit that brings attention where it is most desired. In one hand he holds a terra cotta pot of forget-me-nots, obviously home-grown, and in the other he holds a platter with a chocolate cake baked in the shape of a heart.

Before Kougaiji can react, Homura purrs, "May I speak to the lovely lady of the house?"

Immediately, Kougaiji's thoughts spring to Lirin. In a burst of brotherly protectiveness, he nearly shuts Homura out. But he thinks better of it, responding, "There are two."

Homura does not find this humorous in the slightest, and brandishes the flowerpot with no small measure of authority. "Bring Yaone out here. I demand to see her."

Affronted, Kougaiji snarls, "Yaone? _Demand_? You don't have the right to _demand _anything from me!"

At this, Homura grins. His teeth gleam better than a toothpaste commercial. "She holds my heart. I have the right to demand it be brought back to me."

His ire rising, Kougaiji opens his mouth to give Homura the what-for when he hears, "Kougaiji-sama, do we have company?"

As one, Homura and Kougaiji turn to see Yaone walking calmly into the room. For a moment, albeit a small one, neither man can speak. She is, as is her custom, dressed to suit the holiday. Whereas her outfit for Christmas was rather reminiscent of a chilled candy cane, for Valentine's Day she has donned a souped-up version of the Little Black Dress. The fabric clings to her skin and catches the light in shimmering red, highlighting her curves and drawing the eye down her long legs to black, strapped sandals and her red-painted toenails. Kougaiji manages to realize that this is the first time he has ever really seen her bare legs. Without tights or garters, there is a sudden jolt of intimacy to her. For this occasion, she has let her hair down and painted her lips in soft gloss. She gives them both a shy smile.

"Why, hello, Homura-san. Kougaiji-sama, please, you should have called me."

Homura, upon being addressed, jolts into action. "Oh, lovely lady, too many nights have gone by that I have spent alone dreaming of your limpid, sparkling eyes! I dote upon your very footstep and cherish your every breath, that this humble man might spend another minute in your presence. For too long I have watched you, admired you, loved you from afar, but I can hold my silence no longer. Please accept these tokens of my undying affection, my dearest Yaone."

Yaone blushes like a fire truck. She rushes forward to Homura, cradling the pot of flowers in her arms and leading him toward the kitchen counter so that he might deposit the cake. "H-Homura-san!" she stammers. "You shouldn't have!"

Wryly, Kougaiji remarks, "You heard the lady."

If it is possible, Yaone's flush deepens. "Kougaiji-sama…that isn't what I meant to say." She turns back to Homura, who bestows upon her another dazzling smile.

"You heard the lady, Kougaiji," he sneers out of the corner of his mouth. Then, affixing upon his lips a beatific smile, Homura interlaces his fingers with Yaone's and takes to a kneel, valiantly resisting the urge to look up her skirt.

"Yaone, my _dearest_ and most treasured Yaone, I do not think I could live another day without you. My only wish is to be by your side every night and every day. When I am with you I feel like I can touch the sky. You…complete me. Please, marry me."

Silence falls heavy and stifling, broken only by Yaone's racing heart and Kougaiji's wordless, incredulous exclamation.

Homura looks over to him with a smug smirk. "Do you want me to repeat it for you?" He turns to Kougaiji and enunciates slowly and clearly. "Yaone, my _dearest_ and most treasured Yaone, I do not think I could live another day without you…"

As Homura repeats his monologue, the soft click of the lock sliding back goes unnoticed. Slowly, shyly, Dokugakuji enters his apartment, arms laden with a bottle of expensive wine and a gorgeous long-stemmed rose. The door slams loudly behind him just as the words "…marry me" escape Homura's lips.

"Um…am I interrupting?" Doku asks, trying to maintain his composure. Homura, still kneeling in front of Kougaiji, does not take his eyes from the redheaded prince. His gaze is returned in full.

"No," Kougaiji responds in a growl.

In a similar tone, Homura contradicts him. "Yes, you are."

Dokugakuji shrugs and begins to cross the room to Yaone. Homura sees this and, anticipating, scrambles to his feet. Doku pays him no attention, passing the rose into Yaone's surprised and waiting hands.

He smiles gently down at Yaone and says, "This rose cannot compare with your beauty, Yaone. This wine cannot compare with your sweetness. And yet I make the offering in the hopes that you might care to spend the evening with me."

Yaone's eyes widen, her blush returning full-force. "D-dokugakuji!" she cries, too polite to back away but too stunned to do anything else.

Homura growls, advancing toward Doku. "What do you think you're doing?" He steps between Doku and Yaone, forcibly shoving the taller youkai back a few feet. "I cannot allow you to go _anywhere_ with that oaf!"

Yaone's eyebrows raise in surprise and indignation when Doku cuts in, grabbing Homura's shoulder. "Hey, you might be our resident war god, but if you think you can boss around my lady friend here…"

Homura throws Doku's hand away from him with an expression of disgust. "_Your_ lady friend?" He pushes Doku back a few more feet, advancing in anger and aggression. "You seem to misunderstand, _oaf_. Yaone is my _fiance_."

Said woman mutters weakly, "I am?"

Doku jumps on this. "Is she? I thought you were proposing to Kou just a few minutes ago."

Homura's face falls as Doku smirks. Kougaiji glares at the both of them. "He was _not_."

And with this momentary interruption comes another knock at the door. Homura and Dokugakuji are content to resume bickering and Yaone is pressed against the kitchen counter watching the fray. Kougaiji massages the bridge of his nose and goes to answer the door, muttering, "This had better be someone sane…"

Hakkai's bright and friendly smile greets him. Kougaiji nearly sighs in relief when he sees a book in Hakkai's hands, but his expression quickly turns to one of horror when, beneath that book, he sees gift-wrap and a bow.

"Hello, Kougaiji-san," Hakkai greets. "May I please speak with Yaone-san?"

Kougaiji hesitates, but the smile on Hakkai is too much. He sighs in resignation and opens the door all the way. "Come on in and pull a number."

When Hakkai eyes the array, he purposefully misinterprets the situation. "Oh, so you are having a party to celebrate Saint Valentine's, are you?"

Doku snorts. "No, no. I just wanted to pick Yaone up for a dinner date."

Homura, clutching Doku by the collar of his white coat, tightens his grip. "You would not _dare_ go out with my betrothed!"

Thoroughly exasperated, Kougaiji shouts, "Who says that I am giving her the evening off?"

This exclamation throws Kougaiji into the shouting match between Doku and Homura, and the three of them are so wrapped up in each other that Hakkai decides to sidle over to Yaone.

"Hello, Yaone-san. Is everything okay?" he asks, eyeing the other three warily.

Yaone gives him a weary smile. "Don't mind them, Hakkai-san. Are those for me or for Lirin?" she asks, looking pointedly to the parcels in Hakkai's hands.

Hakkai smiles a bit. "Well, the book is for you. I know you have been wanting to borrow it for some time, and I finally got it back from Tenpou. Please don't mind the coffee stains, Yaone-san. But the gift…now, that is for a very special someone."

Yaone smiles, accepts the book, and gently kisses Hakkai's cheek. "Believe me, Hakkai-san, I am very grateful to hear that you have your own special someone. Who is the lucky girl?"

Hakkai smiles, nearly grins impishly, affection suffusing his features. Having just been kissed by a ridiculously lovely lady doesn't hurt. "Well, Konzen owes me a favor for helping him out during The Crisis-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named." He and Yaone both pause to shudder. "I asked him if he might give this to Kanzeon."

Yaone tries not to look horrified; the last thing that she wants is to offend Hakkai. "…Kanzeon Bosatsu?"

Hakkai realizes her assumption and laughs. "It's not like that at all!" He bends over to whisper into Yaone's ear, ignoring the pointed glare he gets from Homura for doing so. "Kanzeon has the power to breach floors and hell if I'm giving this to Nii."

"Aah," Yaone says, and giggles. "So those are for Kanan-san?"

The smile Hakkai gives in response is enough of an answer. Yaone laughs again with gentle affection. "I'm glad you found a way to contact her outside of fiction. At least you know that she is doing well."

Hakkai's smile grows a bit wider, his eyes tired. Yaone is nearly overcome by the sudden urge to embrace him. "I love…that she is alive," he says. "She can touch others around her. That is enough for me."

Yaone smiles back. "I'm sure her floor is a better place for her presence."

Hakkai grins. "That reminds me. Have you heard about Hazel Gloss?"

"Who hasn't?" Yaone asks, a wry smile on her face. "Is there something else I should know?"

"He's causing riots." At Yaone's laughter, Hakkai explains further. "It seems that our faceless administrators managed to lose the advanced warning mail that signified him as a new, permanent, important canon character. Hazel-san had to move in with Komyou Sanzo-sama for the time being because Gato's new place doesn't have another bed for him."

Yaone puts her hand over her mouth. "Oh…oh, dear."

Hakkai nods in agreement. He pauses while a particularly spectacular expletive flies from Doku's mouth and is responded to in kind by Homura. He winces, noting Yaone's presence, but the woman seems unfazed.

"Does Sanzo know about the rooming arrangement?" she asks.

Hakkai shifts uncomfortably. "Well…I got the information from Tenpou, who learned it from Konzen. And you know how Sanzo and Konzen are, especially after Konzen decided Sanzo should stop smoking with his reincarnated body…"

Yaone hisses. "I thought they were on speaking terms again."

"Oh, oh, no." Hakkai rubs the back of his head. "Because Konzen cut off Sanzo's cigarette supply, Sanzo declared that all of his lighter fluid had to go _somewhere_ and…well…Konzen's magazines are completely destroyed, along with a good amount of completed paperwork."

Although she feels guilty about it, Yaone has to laugh. "That bad?"

Hakkai heaves a bit of a sigh. "Worse." He clears his throat and manages to look straight into her eyes. "By the by, I never managed to say this before but…you are looking extraordinarily lovely today."

Yaone blushes again, unused to receiving respectful compliments. "Why, thank you, Hakkai-san."

Hakkai feels he is almost about to receive another kiss when a knock on the door draws her attention away. The three fighting in the middle of the room continue unfazed. Hakkai watches, trying not to betray his amusement, while Yaone goes to answer the door.

"Oh! Why, hello, Tenpou-san. What a pleasant surprise."

Tenpou grins, presenting a bouquet of assorted flowers to Yaone. "I bring beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady." At that moment, Homura cries out in recognition of some of his prized perennials but the exclamation is cut short when Dokugakuji waves an angry finger in his face. Tenpou peeks into the room, escorted inside by a rather dazed Yaone. "Hello, there, Hakkai. What's going on here? Rehearsing for 'Love and War'?"

Hakkai grins, easily falling into literary reference. "More like 'One Flew Over'."

Tenpou laughs openly. "Oh, boy. You know, Kenren's on his way."

"Kenren-san?" Yaone asks. "But I saw him leave this morning through the doors!"

Tenpou shakes his head, his grin quirking at the ends. "The author changed her mind. The fiction now stars Goujun, barring any blows to Kenren's inestimable ego. He's been spending his time doing favors to get special deliveries out of the original characters swarming around here today. Kenren's got a silver tongue when he puts his mind to it, and after a few minutes, well, anybody will relent." Tenpou chuckles a bit, a knowing sheen in his eyes.

The subtlety is not lost on Hakkai. He clears his throat. "Kenren's…favors aside, I haven't seen many deliveries today."

Tenpou shrugs. "You haven't been checking the right closets. There are original characters everywhere if you know when to look. Most of them, I'm told, are carting gifts for Sanzo."

Hakkai laughs nervously, but Yaone is insistent. "Tenpou-san, please don't change the subject. Kenren did what?"

"Oh, Yaone," Tenpou responds, "I'm sure he means to share it with you."

Hakkai raises an eyebrow. "I doubt that's comforting. But really…Kenren sharing? Well, I shouldn't compare Kenren to Gojyo as they _are_ two different people, but… 'sharing' is a word subject to interpretation."

Tenpou grins. "They're not so different sometimes, I assure you." He turns to Yaone. "Perhaps you might like to come over to our apartment?"

Yaone blushes, while behind her Hakkai desperately tries not to nosebleed at the insinuation. Hakkai quickly adds, "Or, perhaps, to mine?"

"Oh, Hakkai-san…" Yaone smiles a bit. "I'm sorry, but I really must decline. You…do remember what happened last year, yes?" At Hakkai's blank expression, she continues, "Goku-san, Gojyo-san, the edible underwear, and…"

Hakkai cuts her off. "Oh, oh, yes!" He is visibly pale and the look on his face admonishes Tenpou not to inquire. "Please…don't continue. I had tried to forget that."

Tenpou smiles a bit, silently debating on whether or not to tell Kenren that his gift is not as unique to Yaone as the general had hoped it might be. "So, Yaone, if you would not spend time with us, who will be your companion for tonight?"

Yaone nearly opens her mouth to answer, but is cut off by Doku rather loudly asking Kougaiji if the two of them should gang up on Homura for "stealing our Yaone". Homura counters with another line about Yaone being his fiancé, and Doku declares that she is his lady friend and again asks for Kougaiji's help in winning Yaone over from Homura.

And this, it seems, is the last straw. Kougaiji balls his hands into fists and shouts, "That's _enough_! Yaone is _my_ apothecary, and if anybody is going out on a dinner date with her, it's going to be me!" He shoves past a stunned Doku and Homura, coming to stand before Yaone. "Did you hear me?"

Yaone tries not to grin. "Yes, Kougaiji-sama. Do I have time to get my coat?"

Kougaiji will not let his fervor be dampened by the comment, and grabs her hand. "No." He pulls her with him out the door.

Yaone, laughing, cries, "Of course, Kougaiji-sama!" And before the door closes behind her, she mouths "Thank you" to Doku and Homura.

While Hakkai and Tenpou share terribly confused looks, Doku and Homura slap one another high-fives. "That worked better than I'd hoped," Homura comments with a grin. He looks over to Tenpou. "That doesn't forgive you the transgression of trespassing on my flowerbeds."

Dokugakuji grins and nudges Homura. "It was worth it, wasn't it? Come on, it's V-day. But-man, Kou's dense."

Homura chuckles. "I must admit it did take is a rather long time to hammer the point home."

"I still don't think he's got it." Doku then turns to Hakkai and Tenpou. "So, you guys want a drink?"

The door slams open. Kougaiji, still firmly gripping Yaone's hand, bellows, "OUT, now!"

The four men stand in shock, and while Doku and Homura fumble for angry and dejected expressions, Yaone explains, "We'd much rather stay in. Alone. Good evening, everyone."

And Kougaiji pulls Yaone into the kitchen, holding her hand tightly until the intruders have left. After the door slams, his fervor abates somewhat. Yaone smiles at him, and Kougaiji has a sudden urge to lock the door.

* * *

Doku collapses against the door, laughing against his fist. "Hell if that wasn't close!"

Homura chuckles. "I'll admit he did catch us off guard. Kougaiji wins points for energy, though."

Doku again turns to Tenpou and Hakkai. "So, I'm kicked out for the day. What d'you want to do?"

"Um…I think I might just have somewhere to be," Hakkai murmurs, brandishing the gift he has yet to deliver. Tenpou latches onto the concept and nods vigorously.

"Why, you'll be wanting to find Konzen, won't you? Here, I think I know where he is…" Tenpou takes Hakkai's arm and they get the hell out of there as fast as they possibly can. Before the door slams shut on Tenpou's apartment, Doku and Homura start to laugh.

* * *

Konzen is, as expected, seated behind his desk. The massage chair whirs gently, humming low against Konzen's back. When he sees Hakkai and Tenpou, he does not rise, but motions Hakkai inside. Tenpou smiles a bit and saunters away, leaving their business to each other.

He nearly stumbles over Kenren, with hair extra-spikey and usual garb shed for a red silk shirt and black jeans. Most notably, Kenren's shirt is tucked in and buttoned almost to the collar. In his hand is a wrapped box.

Tenpou murmurs, "If that's for Yaone, you're about ten minutes and various unrequited years too late. Nice job with the outfit, though. It suits you."

Kenren scowls. "Too late? _Now_ what am I going to do today?"

"What you've been doing all morning?" Tenpou suggests with a grin. Kenren frowns at him, but Tenpou has moved on to other things. The sheer amount of _stuff_ on the couch is staggering. "Then again," Tenpou amends, "we might run out of room if you do."

Kenren smirks. "Okay, so I went overboard. What can I say? They just kept coming to bring me things."

Tenpou laughs at that. "I'm sure. But really, Kenren, did you have to _accept_ everything?"

"Didn't want to seem ungrateful." Kenren untucks his shirt, pitches the present into the pile with the other things, and shoves his hands into his pockets. "I agree the pinwheels are a bit much, though."

At that moment, Hakkai emerges from Konzen's room with a smile and empty hands. When his eyes light upon Kenren, his smile quirks. "You're looking festive."

The pile on the couch explodes and Goku-chan rockets toward Hakkai, bedecked in what appear to be red and white Mardi Gras beads. There is a construction-paper heart taped to his forehead. "Hakkai-chan!" Goku-chan cries, enveloping the visitor in a hug so hard Hakkai rocks backwards a bit. "Hi! What are you doing here? Is Sanzo coming? And Goku-niichan?"

Hakkai laughs a bit. "Well, Goku-chan, I don't know if having Sanzo over would be the best idea right now…"

Kenren grins. "Aw, come on. We'll make Konzen play nice if you can say the same for Sanzo."

With a helpless smile, Hakkai replies, "Sanzo is in no way under my control; you ought to know that well enough by now. Ah, Goku-chan, do you think you could let me go? My hands are falling asleep."

Reluctantly, Goku-chan releases Hakkai, pouting at the suggestion that Sanzo and Goku might not come over. Hakkai, taken in by the show, decides to relent. "All right, Goku-chan, let me go see if he is willing to come, okay?"

And while Goku rejoices, Kenren grins and slips away.

* * *

"Kenren?" calls Tenpou, opening the door and knocking simultaneously. "I think you might want to know that Gojyo got into your present for Yaone and he and Goku seem to be having flashbacks…"

Kenren's head pops up from under his bed and he shoots a quizzical look at Tenpou. "Flashbacks? Oh, wait, you mean…oh, God, I forgot I promised Goku I'd never let him live that down." He grins with all of his teeth and brandishes a bottle. "Found what I was looking for!"

"What is it?" Tenpou asks, fully wary of giving liquor to company in a den fully stocked with edible underwear among other items.

Kenren's grin does not slacken in the slightest. "Well, it ain't freezer-chilled, but I've got Vodka here and we're gonna make some inventive Red C's."

Tenpou's jaw drops as he catches sight of the label. Kenren normally receives sake; imports are rare and precious. "You kept _Charodei_ under your bed? _Your_ bed?"

Kenren gets up, brushing off his knees. He rubs the bottle on his shirt, examining the label. "Cool, dry, dark place. Where else would it go?" He winks. "Like I'd keep it in the cellars with the other stuff. This is my _only_ bottle." Kenren strolls over to Tenpou and says, "Come on, you can help me make 'em."

Tenpou sighs with a mixture of exasperation and affection, following Kenren out into the chaos in the den.

Sanzo is alternately beating Gojyo and Goku over their heads with his harisen, Hakkai is amusing Goku-chan by spinning the pinwheels without blowing on them, Dokugakuji is idly toying with the end of a black feather boa, and Konzen's door has been shut and locked.

Tenpou shakes his head while Kenren brushes past them all to settle himself in the kitchen. After a quick bout of counting, he pulls out six glasses and a tray of red ice cubes from the freezer. Into the glasses go a hefty helping of Vodka and two ice cubes that already begin to stain the water.

"Booze up!" Kenren cries, and attention shifts to him. "Red C for those that want them, chibis notwithstanding."

"Thank you," Hakkai says, taking a glass and swirling it. "What is in the ice?"

"Two parts cranberry juice concentrate, one part water," Kenren responds. "It'll be strong on you 'til you get used to it."

"Ooh, cool!" cries Goku, staring into the glass in Sanzo's hand. "Aw, Sanzo, can't I have some?"

Sanzo gives him a bit of a shove. "No booze for monkeys. They can't handle it." He takes a swig of the darkened liquor and it burns going down. Sanzo raises an eyebrow. Usually, or at least in the land of fiction as it has skewed his perceptions, he can handle straight whiskey without batting an eyelash. He takes another sip, swirls the ice cubes in the glass, and drinks again. He decides to wait a while, to let the cranberry juice melt in and see if perhaps it changes the flavor of the drink.

Meanwhile, the others are enjoying the drinks without any sign of ill effect. "So, Dokugakuji," says Hakkai, "Where has Homura gone?"

Doku shrugs. "He, Shien, and Zenon got pulled into another fiction. Zenon came out of their place ranting about Homura falling in love with Rinrei's reincarnation or descendant or second cousin or something like that. All Valentiney-like."

Hakkai winces. "Sounds like a lot of fun."

Gojyo rubs his backside for effect. "We've all just been having _wonderful_ days, haven't we?"

The wry comment lands on Goku-chan's unassuming ears and becomes lovely. "Hey, yeah! I have! I got to cut valentines out for Konzen and for Ten-chan and for Ken-niichan and for Nataku and they all looked really good! And then I came back and Ken-niichan had all this stuff to play with. I like Valentine's Day!"

Sanzo hides a smile behind another sip of his drink. An ice cube hits his lip and sends a shock through his skin. He glances suspiciously over to Kenren, who is conversing as easily as ever. Sanzo tentatively presses the tip of his tongue to the ice cube and his entire mouth blazes. He sets the drink down so fast it nearly breaks the glass.

Kenren, still behind the bar in the kitchen, watches this and grins to himself. Tenpou, still by his side, takes immediate notice. "What did you do?" he hisses through the side of his mouth.

"Reach into my front left pocket," Kenren responds.

"What, _here_?" Tenpou asks, acting affronted. Kenren snorts and takes a drink from the glass in his hand. Tenpou belatedly notices that Kenren has chosen to take his Vodka straight. Tenpou's fingers close around a small, glass tube and pull it out, keeping it below the level of the counter and thus hidden from view. A crimson droplet still rests in the very bottom.

"Oh, Kenren," Tenpou laments, "What did you _do_?"

Kenren's eyes are riveted on Sanzo. The monk is focused solely on his drink by this time, though still subtle in his movements in bringing the ice to his mouth. "It was a game of chance, really," he murmurs so that Tenpou must lean closer. Over the din of Goku and Gojyo swordfighting with pinwheels, his voice is nearly lost. "I just made one special cube and dropped it in the drinks. Sanzo chose that one on his own."

"What's it going to do to him?" Tenpou asks, unable to pry his eyes from Sanzo now. The monk has taken the ice cube into his mouth, pretending to focus on the idiots in the center of the room. "Kenren, do you know?"

Kenren grins. "Funny thing. I don't. But the girl I got it from said it was from Kanzeon to whoever decided to pick it up. At least we know he won't die. And it was bound to happen sooner or later, if se was behind it."

Tenpou sighs. "You can't blame it on ineffability," he hisses, shoving the vial back into Kenren's pocket. He pushes a bit too hard and Kenren's hip jolts downward to follow his pants. The motion draws attention.

"Everything all right back there?" Dokugakuji calls, grinning a bit.

"I'm sure their business is their business," Hakkai chides, absently swiping the battered pinwheel from Gojyo's hand and rendering him weaponless. Goku stabs for the gut and Gojyo falls.

Hakkai passes the pinwheel to Goku-chan while Gojyo dies an elaborate and lengthy death. Goku nudges Gojyo with his foot, and when the half-breed does not respond sits heavily and abruptly on his gut.

Gojyo kicks out, losing all breath and catching the feather boa on his boot. When he drops his leg, the boa comes with, loosing an avalanche of stolen Valentines' gifts from the couch onto the floor. A plushie with a pull-tag immediately catches the eye of Dokugakuji, who leans down to pick it up.

Doku pulls the tab and the little recording plays.

"Urasei!"

In the ensuing stunned silence, Doku pulls the tab again.

"Bakasaru!"

Gojyo bites down hard on his tongue, but does not manage to keep the laughter in. Goku is openly grinning, and Hakkai is covering his chuckles with his hand. Kenren is bent double, and Tenpou with him, shaking with laughter. Doku is grinning bemusedly at the toy, and Goku-chan is busy spinning the pinwheel, not quite sure what is so funny but glad that everyone is having a good time.

Everything stops when Sanzo cries out, "It's so cute!" and takes the plushie from Doku's hands. He pulls the tab, raises his eyebrows when an expletive sounds from within the doll, and rubs his nose against the sticker chakra on its forehead. "I've never seen anything so adorable," he comments, pulling the tab again.

By this time, Gojyo and Goku have scrambled behind the couch, keeping as far away from Sanzo as they can. Gojyo mutters to Goku, "D'you think it's contagious?"

Hakkai surreptitiously stands in between Sanzo and Goku-chan, and Doku freezes against the couch. Tenpou stares only at Kenren, unable to coherently form even a facial expression to convey his emotions toward the general. He is torn between hysterical laughter and ripping Kenren's head off.

At that very moment, Konzen's door opens. The blonde kami makes a show of ignoring the company, padding into the kitchen for a glass of water.

Sanzo turns to him. "Hey, Konzen-san?" When he is ignored, Sanzo remains undaunted. "Konzen-san, I just wanted to say…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have set your magazines on fire, especially because I know Goku likes reading them too. But, well, when you refused to allow me some more cigarettes, I felt hurt and frustrated. I hope we can be friends again. Maybe I can find a way to replace your magazines or help with the paperwork later on."

It takes Konzen a good two minutes to pry his jaw off of the floor. Goku is sputtering a bit at Sanzo's knowledge of his reading material, and Gojyo watches with a bit of a grin. "Magazines, huh? D'you read 'em for the articles?"

Goku nearly wails. "They're about health and fitness! It's all pictures of athletes!"

Gojyo's eyebrows shoot into his hairline. "I knew it! You _do_ like muscles!"

Konzen turns on Gojyo, hearing him full well. "He reads them for the articles, as do I." Then Konzen turns to Sanzo. "Fine. But I'm not giving you any more cigarettes. It's killing your body, which is a real nice way to treat something I passed down to you."

Tenpou decides not to call Konzen on his technicality, instead preferring to jam his heel into Kenren's instep to punctuate his point about Sanzo's behavior and continue watching the monk. Sanzo, still clutching the plushie, responds, "Well, okay, so long as we're not mad at each other."

Konzen shrugs, downs his glass of water, and begins to leave the room. Sanzo reaches out a hand. "Don't go, Konzen! We're all here, so let's have fun. It's so good not to be fighting or angry at anybody."

Konzen, pinned under the force of a megawatt smile from a mouth used only to scowling and the pressure of violet eyes that are literally sparkling, has to stop walking. When Goku-chan tugs on his pant leg, voicing agreement with Sanzo, he relents.

"Alright!" Sanzo cries, punching a fist into the air. "So, you guys, what do you want to do?"

In the ensuing silence, Hakkai is tempted to make cricket noises. He resists, though, and soon Goku-chan fidgets, piping up with an idea. "I've got a coloring book…"

"Cool! Show me the way," Sanzo says, hopping up to follow Goku-chan out of the room. As soon as Goku-chan's door closes behind them, Tenpou clears his throat.

"Kenren has something he wants to say."

Dumbly, the room's occupants turn to Kenren. When the General tries to stall, Tenpou reaches into his pants. "This," he says, producing the glass vial, "contained something which, when frozen into an ice cube and deposited into Sanzo's Vodka, thanks to Kenren here, produced the result you have all witnessed. If what Kenren tells me is true, it is a present from Kanzeon Bosatsu, it should wear off, and it probably won't kill him. We just have to wait it out."

Gojyo is the first to respond. "Holy fuck."

"Motion seconded," adds Doku, raising his hand. "What do we do?"

"Try to keep him from hurting anything, I suppose," Hakkai murmurs, and glances firmly down to Gojyo. "He has to be taken care of for now. No messing about."

"Why not?" asks Gojyo. Kenren snorts. Just as Tenpou is about to not-quite-so-patiently explain why Sanzo's condition is not the best for practical jokes, there comes a jovial knock at the door.

Without thinking, Goku answers. Homura, Zenon, Shien, and Lirin greet him with their own particular brands of neighborly affection. "May we come in?" asks Homura. "Lirin seems to have been…locked out of her apartment, and none of us feel right leaving her alone."

At that moment, Goku-chan bounds from his room, coated to the elbow in marker and sporting a long braid. "Konzen, Konzen, look! Sanzo braids hair real nice! He should do yours!"

Before anybody else can respond, Homura elbows Shien. "Get. Your. Camera."

* * *

Sanzo feels as if he has been passed repeatedly under a steamroller. He grinds the heels of his hands into his eyes and finds that there is a plush miniature of him tucked into the crook of his arm. The doll is wholly unfamiliar, but he attributes it to the sheer amount of valentines he had received the day before. In fact, the bed is littered with them.

Sanzo sits up, blinking groggily as he regains balance, and looks around. These are not valentines. They are Polaroids. At least thirty Polaroid photos of Sanzo doing things Sanzo does not remember doing. Braiding Konzen's hair. Drawing with markers on Gojyo's back. Allowing Gojyo to reciprocate. Wearing Hakkai's apron. Playing hopscotch. Shooting spitwads. Laughing openly, genuinely, so that his eyes close and his skin wrinkles around the force of it. At a sock stuck by static to the back of Gojyo's head.

He remembers none of it, flipping through the pictures in horror, until he comes to a photo of two unfamiliar, manicured hands holding a sign. Above it, an androgynous set of eyes gives him a wink. The sign reads "The Chronicles of Genjo Sanzo, test subject for Love Potion #3, a concoction not so potent as its successors, but an interesting prototype nonetheless."

* * *

Phew! How was that, folks?

Mezi: _is glomped_ glad you liked it!

Nightengale13: Well, I think Hakkai takes domesticity in stride - cooking for someone _is_ how he unwinds. To take that pleasure from him (in both cooking and being appreciated as a skilled culinary artist, as I'm sure Tenpou repeatedly lets him know) is just unfair. Oh, and I think your review was cut off unless you speak in half-sentences XP

LadyQueenscove: Aw, it's okay - like I'm going to complain about multiple reviews XD Glad you like it, and points to you!

Snowyheart: Thank you, thank you XD

Hakkai'sHerFavorite: Nope, this was Yaone's one stint in the land of bad fanfiction. She'll never do it again, despite Lirin's begging XD Glad you liked the chapter.

Wynjara: Yes, my dear. Just that chapter, though :)

Schizo: You're welcome, although I'm a bit wary of giving you free sugar again o.O;

Asian-Orange: Points! Copernicus is a historical figure. I suggest you look him up. My friend uses the name as a battle cry, just for the hell of it. Meep Meep!

OptiMoose: Points! Knowledgeable points at that. -.-; hopefully Breakroom kinda returns to its earlier glory. And if it's not please let me know - I've not really got a gauge on these sorts of things. By the by, this chapter is five-ninths you, mathematically. I owe you big 3 3

Jadesword: Yes, it was. Pyrotechnic points XD and...well...okay so I missed the Chinese New Year, but hopefully this kinda makes up for it.

Mae Aloril: I know that fic! I think it's actually in my favorites - the discussion about whether or not to buy a new mattress is too priceless. I'm glad you still like Breakroom - it's grown rampantly even by my own expectations.

Blood-Debt: Not at all. Intimate. tr.v. To make known subtly and indirectly; hint. See synonyms at "suggest". Instead of a stress on the first syllable only, add a minor stress on the 'a' and you have In-ti-MAY-te. Which is the word I meant. You learn something new every day ;)

Sohmachi: Thanks a bunch!

Joonie: Canon the original story as the creator intended it. Saiyuki before the fandom. Points to you! I'm sure if somebody racks up a thousand I'll let them redeem the points for -something, but that requires quite a few more chapters of Breakroom. Until then, it just shows me who reads the authors' notes XD

Runefallstar: That's certainly something to think on, isn't it? Sometimes in writing Breakroom I stumble upon a topic that could quite easily become a long, serious, philosophical rambling on their situation. Sometimes it's tough to keep the humor up in the face of stuff like that - I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks too hard about it.

WildeLamassu: Points - and no, I didn't. Which means you get an extra point XD And, dear, I would love to see you do more Tenpou-and-Hakkai stuff. XD

Angelic-Kitten: Points. That's really all I can say.

Onezumi: Points! With nondescript, gratuitous violence! Good for you XD Nice to meet you! I'm glad you like the story - more raving fangirl moments are needed around here XD

Caffinebunny: Points! Pratchett reference points! How about Rincewind's motto? "We who are about to die don't want to". That one's my favorite XD


	29. Break the Twenty Ninth

A/N: Ammguh! Chapter twenty-nine! Sorry it's been so long, folks. RL consumes, other plotbunnies bite, and there was a veritable tornado of other mitigating factors. 

Star Trek isn't mine! Nor is that old show Space Cases. I wonder if you remember it. Radu (Curly blonde hair, super-ears, fantastic temper) was partial inspiration for Gojyo. But only 'cause Radu was hot like none other. And sensitive. Um. And a few other things that appear in this chapter aren't mine either. I don't want to spoil it, though. XD One reference appears especially for WildeLamassu, God love her.

Anywho, I'm glad y'all liked the Valentine's Day chapter. Much love to all the contributors. Today's buzzword is: Cookie. As suggested by Ramen (eff eff dot net author: Ramenkitty) C eesh for cookie, that's good enough for meeee...

Notes to reviewers at the end of this installment. Whoopee...

* * *

Somewhere, there is the buzz and whir and click of space-age technology being loud and proud about it. Melodic beeping is followed by an angry hiss, and the door to the apartment is slammed open with no amount of ceremony.

"Shut the stupid thing up!" Gojyo cries, frantically waving his arms. "It's louder than I am!" He desperately resists the urge to sit down from reassertion of exhaustion, thrumming with fictional exuberance and parading about in unnecessarily shiny pants and a whole lot of supplementary nudity. His hair is done up in a high ponytail, his skin has darkened to olive, and he sports an extra set of eyebrows that waggle more freely than the original pair. His antennae truly function as such, twitching with his every movement and picking up changes in his comrades' physical emotions.

Hakkai kneels on the floor of the entryway where he landed, peering intelligently into the screen. He is, in short, a fantastic Vulcan. "I'm trying, I'm trying," Hakkai murmurs softly, his slim, white fingers dancing over the console. "Captain, please occupy Gojyo. His pacing is highly distracting."

Sanzo, his insides rebelling but determined not to be the one to break character, dives upon Gojyo and sits on his stomach. He commences to pet Gojyo's hair and the redhead purrs, relaxing. "Just our luck we're stuck with an extra saru," he mutters.

Goku bites him hard on the ear. Sanzo yelps and swats at the sentient, tan monkey sitting on his shoulder. Goku dodges, settling on Sanzo's other side, and retorts, "That's what you get. I'm s'posed to be resentful anyhow." He chitters gleefully and tugs at a lock of Sanzo's hair. "Don't stop pettin' him. It's the only thing that gets him to settle down."

Gojyo releases a pleased but indignant mumble from the floor. Sanzo, for good measure, risks a tweak of his ear and is slightly vindicated when his annoyance is still part of his character. The monk is still a holy man, but this time plays a Christian ambassador to the cosmos, chasing Jesus and spreading the Word all at the same time. He is cloaked in clothing far too tight and black to be fully holy, but this only reaffirms that the role had always been meant for Sanzo. The blonde glances over to his navigator-cum-technological wizard and asks, "What are you getting?"

"Wait for it..." Hakkai must speak slowly and deliberately, focusing on perfect enunciation and maintaining an expressionless visage. It is not easy after years of repeated smiling in both false and honest means. "Ah. Gentlemen, I believe I have done it."

Sanzo does not stop petting Gojyo, and thus the redhead does not sit up. Goku bounds from Sanzo's shoulder and lights on Hakkai, staring raptly into the computer screen. "Sanzo," he whispers, "We've got..._internet_!"

Hakkai sits back, trying not to look genuinely pleased. Anticipation floods the room, smothering and feeding all at once. Sanzo does not ask Goku to repeat his statement, although he is sorely tempted. Gojyo grunts in disapproval as Sanzo's fingers tighten in his hair. He loosens up a bit.

"Well, where shall we go?" asks Hakkai, flexing his fingers.

"Somewhere," Sanzo replies quickly, "where there _aren't_ any writers."

Hakkai bites down on his tongue to keep from laughing. "Yes, sir."

"Hakkai, Hakkai," Goku calls, bouncing on his shoulder, "let's start with us!"

Hakkai casts a stolidly unamused glance to the monkey by his ear and responds, "Morbidly curious, are we? Fine, then. I'll run a search on the four of us."

Point oh-three-seven seconds later (as their connection is wireless and deftly avoids the vagaries of dial-up) Hakkai has to try very hard to keep his jaw from dropping. Sanzo and Goku, unhindered by such emotive boundaries, are free with their shock.

"I..." squeaks Goku, "I don't think I can count that high."

"Probably can't," sneers Sanzo, leaving his post atop Gojyo to come and lean over the screen with the others. Goku, sensing opportunity, yanks on Sanzo's nearest sideburn and chitters again at the insult.

"Well," says Hakkai, "let's play roulette. I scroll until someone tells me to stop, and then I click the link. Here goes."

It is Goku who declares it, with both paws clasped over his bright, big, golden eyes. "Stop already."

Hakkai nods, clicks the first link he reaches, and suddenly the screen goes purple. The beeping that Hakkai had been unable to stop turns into music, a soft techno beat and falsetto. On the screen, offset by virtue of shading against the purple background, is a rapidly growing, very familiar silhouette. Three beats. Hakkai can no longer maintain his character, just as Gojyo sits up to catch a very fleeting glimpse of his likeness in very, very tight pants. And a little red half-shirt.

As the kappa gapes, Hakkai dissolves into laughter and collapses helplessly under a suddenly full-grown Goku on his shoulder. Even as the boy scrambles to get up, struggling and surprised, Hakkai can't stop laughing. He takes one look at Gojyo and laughs harder.

"Was...was..." Gojyo stammers.

Goku, sufficiently recovered, laughs openly. "Yuh. You. About to shake whatcha momma gave ya."

The only response Gojyo can come up with then is, "At least I've got one! I'mma beat yours off! Get back here!" He darts to his feet and pounds after Goku, racing through the tiny apartment like a pair of elephants and bellowing at the top of his lungs.

Hakkai sits up, coughing a bit at having had the wind knocked out of him by Goku. He glances over to Sanzo's horrified expression and chuckles a bit.

"I am suddenly thankful that we don't have a regular internet connection," Sanzo mutters, still staring at the place where the stolen console had been.

"I suppose I am glad I only found something concerning Gojyo and not myself. It was a bad conquest in the first place," Hakkai agrees.

At that, Sanzo snorts. "Bad. It's only so popular because most people aren't trafficking images of themselves unless they want to."

Hakkai nods. "Just be glad we don't have to do fanart as well." When Sanzo's expression crumbles, Hakkai smiles and gets to his feet, nudging the monk's shoulder before answering the whining coming from the mess made in Goku's bedroom.

* * *

Gojyo sits, relaxing and smoking, on the couch. Hakkai is cooking in the kitchen, making flapjacks to soothe a sudden craving and utilizing the newest random food gift bequeathed to them that day. Snozberries dot the batter in bright array, and a tantalizing scent of breakfast for dinner fills the apartment.

"Oi," Gojyo murmurs, knowing Hakkai can hear him and wanting to open lines of communication. "I been thinking."

"Uh oh," Hakkai murmurs with exaggerated melodrama.

Gojyo resists the urge to throw something at him. "Funny," he comments dryly. "No really, though. I mean...we all have numbers, right?"

It takes Hakkai a moment to realize what Gojyo means, and when he does he nods. "Sanzo is three, you are five, et cetera?"

"Yeah yeah," Gojyo responds, glad his audience is keeping up. "But do the math for a moment, wouldja? I mean, it's weird to think about. Five plus three is eight. So does that mean me and San-chan make you? Or what about three squared? So does that mean Goku's twice the man Sanzo is? Or three times? And does two of me make a Tenpou?"

Hakkai laughs. "That last one was uncalled-for."

"This whole idea's uncalled-for," Gojyo retorts, "but I'm sayin' it anyway. What's all that mean for us, huh? Is it a coincidence or is the math important?"

One shrugged shoulder is Gojyo's reply until Hakkai finishes a batch and turns around. "Well, you do know the original point behind the meanings in our names, correct?"

"Yeah, yeah, Buddhist concepts, paths of righteousness, blah blah blah. But you can't tell me everything's coincidental. I've been a part of too many bits of good writing to believe in that sort of shit. Too many bits of bad writing too. Like I'm red and you're green. Complements. And not just like sexually, you know? So if you minus Sanzo is me, or vice versa, or all sorts of other crazy mathematical crap, what's it mean? Five and eight is thirteen. We unlucky or something?"

Hakkai laughs, interrupting him. "I'd believe that." He plates a pile of snozberry pancakes and motions for Gojyo to come over.

"But if you wanna play with luck," Gojyo continues, hopping up and rubbing out his cigarette in an ash tray, "thirty-five is divisible by seven. Five and nine is fourteen, _also _a seven-thing going on. That's funny in a Western way, you know? Me an' Sanzo, me an' Goku, both lucky as hell. But only you and me get thirteen." He leans against the counter and snitches a steaming pancake with bare fingers, blowing on it before taking a big bite. "Mmm," he hums in appreciation.

Bent over the stove and the bowl of batter in his hands, Hakkai says, "How long have you been thinking about this?"

Gojyo grins sheepishly. "A while. Not so hot at math, me. I kinda stole a few out-of-character intelligent moments from some fictions to figure it out, though. Like alternate universes where I could read real well or beat you at cards." He grabs another pancake and swallows before adding, "Being a high school student has its perks, then."

Hakkai smiles. "You know, Gojyo, eight and nine is _seven_teen. A Tenpou divided by a Gojyo is two. Plus you again makes...oh, would you look at that! Seven! If you want to play with two, then two of Goku is eighteen. Minus a Tenpou makes me. A Tenpou and a Sanzo would, by your standards, be highly unlucky, and if we put Goku and Goku-chan in the same room that's either twenty-seven Sanzos or eight Tenpous and a one left over. Sixteen of you with that same lonely one."

"To control them or to keep up?" Gojyo comments wryly, allowing himself to be unseated without much of a fight. He begins eating his third pancake and pads over to the fridge, taking a swig of milk straight from the carton even though Hakkai thwaps him with his spatula.

"Hey, it was just something to think about," Gojyo mutters, taking his place at the counter again and finishing the third pancake.

The light goes off and a sheet of paper slides out of the counter to the tune of a pleasant chime. Hakkai grabs it, skims it, and turns off the stove.

"Oh dear, I hope the others will get back before the pancakes cool. It's our unlucky day, Gojyo," he murmurs mischievously, motioning toward the door. Gojyo does not get it until they are outside, and then throws his head back to laugh.

* * *

Notes: Whoo. Sci-fi and number play. Yeah, baby.

Wynjara: XD Sanzo, I'm sure, was a holy terror once he left his bedroom (although he took the requisite few hours to compose himself) but I felt like leaving the boys intact!

D-chan: You don't have to be eloquent - lol your emotion is conveyed clearly enough. Psh, like I'm eloquent enough to merit it anyhow. Glad you liked it - I really feel that what you quoted was definitely Homura's best line. I giggled while writing. Woo.

Nightengale13: Fuck you? Is that your pick-up line? XD Points for gettin' straight to the fuckin' point! Glad you liked the chapter. XD If that's an understatement, I apologise.

Onezumi: Points! I once got told that by an old guy on the street. Just some random old guy. Creepy points it is! Hee, I'm rapidly garnering a reputation as a sleeping-roommate's nightmare. Glad you liked the chapter XD

Asian-Orange: Narsty points. I love it XDDDD Hope your spleen's feeling better though. Meep Meep!

Mezi: Aww! I know that line! Points for nostalgia! My CG teacher used it on me lol.

LadyQueenscove: Yes, yes I did. You caught me. Bubbly Sanzo. Woo. Oh, and POINTS XD Not only for the line, but for catching the frozen jelly reference. Love to you!

Jadesqord: Hee, it's a-okay if you couldn't think up a pickupline. "Aziraphale" and "Tenpou" in one review does it well enough for me XD

Khascat: Nice to meet you! Easter, hmm? I see ... chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. Hmmm...

Orenda: POINTS! I _LIKE_ that one! Lol!

P3c: Hallo you XD And you actually gave...constructive criticism? Excuse me while I tear up with love for you. And as to your question - well, I could have them go on strike. With burly OC's coming in to shove them into ficland. Ooh, flying Sanzo-ikkou. I hear Edd crying "Gracious!"

Caffinebunny: Points...although I have no freakin' idea what the first line was. Um. Yes.

Joonie: Points! Lol it would only have been worse if you'd said "You complete me." Oh wait. Homura did that XD

Sparrow319: Points. I'm freakin' drowning in all your contributions XD Lmao at the tic-tac. Sock? noo-oo it's just a breathmint. And, uh, as for Kenren's favors - Opti suggested it on that one. Read real closely. Kenren + silver tongue. Now get rid of the 'silver' and think about Kenren real hard. Yesss.

Blades of Ice: Aw, thank you! I adore chapter 28 as well!

Lillie: Nice to meet you! And points for originality as well as verbal punniness. Good one XD Ooh, I was recommended in a forum? Really? Neat-o jet! Thank _you_ for reading.

VG Terra: Yes, of course you make sense. I've seen the shift myself, but as one grows and evolves so must the story. Otherwise I think I'd run out of material. Having everybody live with one another, however, poses so many interesting possibilities I can't help but keep them out of fiction for a while. Lol heaven forbid I start a Breakroom offshoot with some vaguely serious material. I think I'll just keep it at Gojyo waxing ineptly philosophical and Hakkai laughing at him. Yesss...


	30. San

A/N: This is a momentous occasion! 

You guys. Breakroom has reached thirty chapters. Holy shit on a stick. I've said it before but it begs repeating - I fully intended this to be a one-shot. Hwoops.

Some of this chapter is credited to the slasher's dinner. I'll just call it that. Those who were there will know it when they see it. Many other influences went into this chapter, and I've either forgotten their names or it's a nebulous concept that would spoil what's coming. Also, I was watching "The Dreamers" today. Puts a hell of a spin on classic movies, don't it? XP Anywho, there goes your fair warning. The first scene in this chapter comes from a fiction that, presumably, really exists. I didn't make this one up, folks. Cower at that thought a moment. Oh, yeah, and I -know- when Sanzo's birthday -really- is, but nothing's chronological in the Breakroom if I say it's not. Nyah. Buzzword: twist. Just because I want to see what people do with it. And because when Korn does it, for some reason it's hot like none other. Woo.

Notes to reviewers at the end.

* * *

Somewhere, there is a kappa with his pants down. With a heavy, dejected sigh, Gojyo examines himself. He grins wryly. "Knew it was too good to be true," he mutters, and hikes his pants over his hips once again.

Gojyo very nearly inflicts serious damage upon himself with the zipper when someone asks, "What, now?"

The redhead at least has the presence of mind to finish the job before wheeling around, fist curled. Dokugakuji quirks an eyebrow at him, stepping back. "I'd push your fist down but there's no way I'm touching you."

Gojyo does not deflate, but snarls and lowers his fist anyway. "God _damn_ don't you know not to sneak up on a guy?"

"Sorry, bro, didn't know you still had some modesty in you." Dokugakuji grins, his hand perched on his hip. "Do I want to know what you were talking to yourself for?"

Gojyo nearly winces at the preposition at the end of Dokugakuji's question, still aching from the atrocious grammar he had just left behind. "Uh. Badly-written alternate universe fiction. Second cock. Prehensile. Fuckin' huge."

Doku's eyebrows shoot into his hairline. "I'm sorry..."

"Eh?" Gojyo grunts, digging in his pocket for cigarettes. He lights one and offers the pack to Dokugakuji, who declines. "Don't be. Best fun I ever had in my life." A cursory rub to the back of Gojyo's head reminds him of the fuzziness still brewing behind his eyes and he amends the comment. "Aside from the whole badly-written thing."

"I meant I was sorry for whoever you were paired with."

Gojyo grins like a jackal. "Birthday boy, if you gotta know. How's everythin' going, by the way?" Gojyo asks quickly before Doku can put two together, pun intended, about said boy's hypothetical flexibility.

As it is, Dokugakuji has to pause and blink, focusing himself on the subject. He glances toward the double doors in some show of conspiracy and bends his head close to Gojyo, being careful not to touch him. Gojyo notices and rolls his eyes, intentionally bumping his brother just to make him cringe. "Goku-chan glued Kenren to the couch making cards. Hakkai and Yaone are cooking up a storm; their part's almost done, but that means nobody's paying attention to Goku." Doku pauses for a moment, clears his throat, and when he speaks again it is in a whisper nearly inaudible. "He's gone over to hang out with...Homura."

"Ah, fuck! We'll never get the him back!" Gojyo cries, spitting out his cigarette and deafening Doku in the process. The youkai stumbles back, clutching his sensitive ear. Gojyo shrugs an apology, stamps on the butt, and continues his rant. "And if we do he'll be coated in dirt from that _greenhouse_ and..." He trails off, helpless. "Eh, I can't get mad at the kid. But it'll bug the _shit_ outta Sanzo and all we need is a conniption from the bitch."

Dokugakuji shakes his head a bit, trying to clear the ringing from his ear. "Is he gonna be tied up in fiction all day, d'you think?"

Gojyo levels a look at him that rivals Sanzo's for its deadpanned _I'm trapped with an idiot_, but it is broken by the sudden pun that surfaces when he reexamines Doku's words. He grins, not even bothering to suppress his laughter. "Probably. It's his _birthday_. He's getting boinked by more people than..." He is cut off by Hakkai bursting out of Yaone's apartment and walking briskly down the hall.

"My turn," the brunette mutters by way of explanation, pushing through the double doors and into a rainy, dark night with Sanzo already waiting and soaked to the skin. The doors swing shut and Gojyo, closing his mouth, simply points at it.

"Point made. Ah, I better go help Yaone cook. You go see if Tenpou's got Kenren unglued yet." Doku scratches his chin and adds, "Keep 'im from killin' Goku-chan, wouldja? Oh. And Konzen's been fighting red tape all day to requisition a few candles. He's _not_ happy."

Gojyo huffs. "Man, the guy's a pencil-pusher by profession and he's bitching about it?"

"More like he's bitching about who he's doing it _for_." Doku sighs and swings into his own apartment in a burst of flour.

Gojyo winces again as the door slams. More prepositions. He takes a moment to relax, to readjust to a world governed by physics instead of letters and to his same old boring anatomy. Without the driving power of fiction behind his brain, he idly wonders if he might have had fun trying to pick up beer bottles. _Look, ma, no hands._

"Damn. When you actually _want_ a glitch it's no dice," he mutters to himself, strolling to the Gaiden apartment and opening the door without knocking.

Kenren is glued to the couch. Not only is he stuck by a liberal smattering on his clothes, but his skin and his hair is also coated in adhesive. Various tools, among them icebags and a hair dryer, lay scattered around the couch. Tenpou has his hair tied back, a chisel in one hand and kitchen cleaner in the other.

"Super glue?" asks Gojyo by way of greeting. Kenren tries to wrench around to bellow at him to get out but the movement just brings upholstery with it and he yelps pathetically.

"Gorilla," responds Tenpou. "It was Ken-niichan's idea to let Goku-chan into the powerful stuff in the first place. He just had the lack of foresight to fall asleep while he was supposed to be _watching_ Goku."

"Yeew," says Gojyo, rather eloquently capturing the mood of the situation. "Where's the runt now?"

"Fiction with Konzen," Tenpou explains, hacking experimentally at some of the glue attaching Kenren's shirt to the couch to avoid potential mistakes that might rip off the General's skin.

"You know," Gojyo murmurs conversationally, seating himself on the other couch, "Nothin's gonna dissolve that glue."

Tenpou nods. "I know. Thing is, we could partially cut him free by removing his clothing, but if any successive attempt fails he'll be glued to the couch _and_ naked. Intriguing as the thought may be, we _do_ entertain visitors."

Gojyo snorts loudly. "Why, don't you think _that_ would?"

Kenren, whose jaw was glued shut by virtue of Goku-chan's application of glue to the outside of his cheek and the arm of the couch, growls. Tenpou frowns down at him. "Well, what do you suggest, then? How long does it take for all of the skin cells on your body to regenerate? Over a week. By then the glue won't be stuck to the new growth, if you _really_ want to lay here."

Gojyo reclines on the couch, spreading out and getting comfortable. "That pose looks like it's gotta hurt after a while," he insinuates, clearly enjoying making Kenren squirm. Kenren fell asleep with his face pointing toward the back of the couch and his feet toward the sky. His hands are each glued separately, one crossed over the other, to the arm of the couch near the floor so his arms are twisted over his head. Gojyo has a sneaking suspicion Goku-chan awoke his Ken-niichan with a bout of tickling.

Tenpou shrugs. "I suppose I could just cut the upholstery off of the couch. Although that would require my asking for another couch. And because Konzen has decided it would be best if he took over official supply requests as well as toiletries..."

Gojyo laughs. "The decision's up to him!"

Kenren rolls his eye up to stare at Tenpou. His eyebrow quirks, then droops, then raises gently in supplication. Tenpou takes pity on him and yanks the scissors off of the table.

Within a few minutes, Kenren is cut free, not much worse for wear beyond the bits of upholstery coating his face, his heels, his cheek, the back of his head, and the palms of his hands. Tenpou cut the bits of Kenren's clothes that had been glued to the couch away from him, leaving the general in what amounts to little less than a hospital gown's worth of coverage. Kenren makes ready to rip the upholstery from his heel when Gojyo grabs his hand.

"Nuh uh," he warns. "Seriously. It'll take the skin."

Kenren glares at him, still rather effectively silenced with his lips half-stuck to a bit of couch upholstery. Gojyo nods knowingly. "Sorry. No lie. But if you mess with it enough sooner or later it'll come off. If you really want the blisters."

The look on Kenren clearly conveys that he is willing to deal with blisters. Tenpou nudges the General and asks, "You want to just stay in? Know how you hate missing a party, but..."

Kenren shakes his head and stomps off to his room, not turning when Gojyo has to laugh again at his bare backside. Tenpou clears his throat and Gojyo stops, but only after some effort. "I'm amazed the guy wasn't covered in marker," Gojyo remarks.

Tenpou shrugs. "Goku-chan wanted to save all his colors for the cards. He made one for everybody to give to Sanzo."

Gojyo sticks out his tongue. "A-and my cute quota is now filled." He is cut off by a pleasant chime and a little white light from the kitchen. "Hope that's not for Kenren," Gojyo mutters, snickering.

Tenpou grabs the paper presented and skims it. "No; it's for me. I have a feeling Kenren would like to be alone, so provide him the luxury."

Gojyo gets up with a laugh. "Man's had a hard day. Lock me out, then."

Tenpou does so, ushering Gojyo into the hallway and locking the door behind them both, sauntering with a farewell wave through the double doors as Hakkai limps back out of them. Tenpou gives Hakkai a friendly nudge as they pass. Hakkai smiles back.

"Ah, Gojyo," he says when he sees the redhead, "you wouldn't mind giving Yaone-san and me a hand carrying supplies, would you." The phrase isn't a question but a thinly-veiled order.

Gojyo nods and goes along with it. "How's Sanzo?" he asks.

Hakkai winces, trying to stand up straighter. "Having the time of his life, I'm sure. I can only pray that by the end of today he won't be dead-set on taking all of ours." Gojyo grunts in agreement and Hakkai knocks on the door to Yaone's apartment.

Kougaiji answers, white as a sheet. Flour cascades from the prince's hair when he moves, and he lets the two into an apartment that is rather similarly coated. Yaone, looking rather helpless, says, "Lirin knocked the flour over. Dokugakuji wanted to help clean up but ended up sweeping the majority of it into the air." A timer dings and Yaone jumps to, shoving her hands into oven mitts and opening the oven. Heat radiates from the box and Yaone sweats some of the flour away. "On the upside, the fourth cake is finally finished!"

"Four?" asks Gojyo, torn between shock and ravenous sugarlust.

"Of course. I know how everyone eats. Hakkai-san, if you could please begin frosting the third cake? I believe it's cooled enough by now." Yaone wipes her brow, leaving a streak of clean skin among the flour streaks.

Hakkai nods, obliging immediately. "I'm sure a few wet paper towels could go a long way in cleaning this mess away," he says innocently.

Gojyo is well-trained. He grumbles, but grabs some paper towels, wets them in the sink, and tosses one to Kougaiji so the prince might clean himself off. "So where's Lirin and Doku now?" Gojyo asks, sorely tempted to grope Yaone in the process of removing flour from her person. Instead, as Yaone is at the moment carrying very, very hot metal, he focuses on the countertop site of the original spill.

"Decorating your place."

Gojyo nearly falls over. Kougaiji shrugs helplessly, knowing that he is out of his league when Yaone and Hakkai are in full party-mode. "They've been warned not to go further than the den. Dokugakuji should at least be able to maintain some semblance of order."

* * *

Hakkai and Yaone finish decorating the last, cooled cake before Gojyo has managed to get all of the flour off of the countertops, the refrigerator, the oven door, the floor, ad nauseam. To the kappa's credit, or discredit as the case may be, he took frequent breaks to try and steal tastes from the finished products.

As Hakkai takes a cake platter in each hand, he motions for Gojyo to do the same. Yaone opens the door and ushers them out. Once the cakes are safely settled in the kitchen in Sanzo's apartment, Gojyo looks around. Streamers and balloons dangle from the ceiling, and party hats and favors are strewn about the room.

Gojyo grins. "San-chan's gonna _hate_ this."

Hakkai chuckles. "We could have done worse. Imagine if we'd tried giving him a surprise party."

Gojyo's eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. "Dear God! He'd shoot us all before we finished jumpin' out at him!"

"No doubt," agrees Doku, grabbing Lirin about the waist before she can dive onto the cakes. An authoritative knock on the door sends Yaone rushing to answer it.

"Konzen-san!" she cries in greeting, letting him in. "And Goku-chan! How are you two?"

Konzen, in response, dangles a package of candles in front of Yaone's face. She laughs happily, catching his cheek in a grateful kiss before taking the candles. Konzen gives little response aside from shying away out of reflex before Goku-chan's charisma overpowers his own.

"Great, Yaone-neechan!" cries Goku-chan, his arms laden with a huge stack of colored paper. "'Xcept Ken-niichan caught me playin' the flush game and he got all mad at me. But that's okay. We're even now."

Gojyo snorts so hard he has to cover his mouth before he bends double laughing. "I'm on your good side, right, Goku-chan?" he gasps between stifled giggles.

Goku-chan, sufficiently stymied, can only nod. Yaone smiles gently, and gets ready to close the door. Instead, Homura insinuates his arm under hers and keeps it open.

"Hello, Yaone-san. How are you?" he asks, grinning to the depths of his eyes.

Yaone is hard-pressed not to blush. She is saved when Kougaiji steps up behind Homura, making a possessive push at the war god until he is well clear of Yaone. Homura bears it with near-glee, and Doku very nearly cracks up.

Yaone shakes her head with a smile, ushering Kougaiji inside and then noticing Zenon and Shien in the hallway. "My, I haven't seen you two in a while," she comments.

"Eh," mutters Zenon, "we been around. Shien's got his camera," he adds, jerking his thumb over his shoulder. "Since it was such a hit before."

Hakkai chuckles. "We'll be sure to keep it out of Sanzo's grasp, then." He gently takes the pile of cards from Goku-chan and sets them on the counter by the cakes. "Did you remember to make one from you?" he asks with a smile.

The question makes Goku-chan pause, his face screwed in thought. "Um. No! Oh, geez, I forgot to make one from me!"

Hakkai laughs and holds his hands up. "Don't worry. Why don't we share mine, then? After all, you made it."

As Goku-chan launches himself at Hakkai, Gojyo turns his attention away lest he puke from the cuteness overload. Yaone is laughing as Kougaiji sends murderous looks to a similarly amused Homura, Dokugakuji is arguing rather animatedly with Zenon while keeping a firm grip on Lirin's collar, Tenpou is strolling into the room fresh from fiction land, Shien is tinkering with his camera, and Konzen is watching the process, asking periodic questions. Gojyo leans back, letting the background talk wash over him.

Goku nearly skids past the door on his way to alert them of Sanzo's presence. "You guys! He's coming! He's only got a short little vignette before he's out. Everything ready? Ooh, cake!"

Homura holds out an arm, catching Goku before he can land on the food. "Patience," he counsels, despite Goku's watering, pleading eyes.

"Oi, Goku," Gojyo calls, sensing his moment. "Give ya my piece of cake if you sing _Happy Birthday_ to Sanzo, Marilyn Monroe style!"

Standing, haggard and weary, in the doorway, Sanzo says, "Give you mine if you don't."

All hell breaks loose in honor of a monk. Shien gets photos. Sanzo gets glomped. Goku gets cake. And all is right with the world. At least, until Sanzo's first gray hair.

* * *

XP

Asian-Orange: Points! Thanks for the Pocky too XD Meep Meep!

Lazuli: Hee, glad I made you laugh, even if it -was- at work

OptiMoose: Woo! Space Cases fan! I miss that show so much, if only because it was -so- unabashedly crazy.

Nightfall Rising: Points! Poor Jeep, but points! Heh, sorry I brought you right back around to the math. Bad me. Eek, I do hope the 8muse and the Spockmuse work out their differences. I wonder if Kirk could handle Hakkai ... Yay for Snozberries, and four is lucky? Heh, works for me!

Wynjara: Lol! Okay math class in terms of pretty boys A+ in math for me.

Jadesword: Gah! I'm sorry! Points anyway. Forgive me? Triskedecaphilia? Heh, I'd only heard of triskedecaphobes before now. You fuck thirteen. Hm. Um. As for Hakkai/Gojyo and Zira/Crowley in the same fic, well, either my head would explode or it would be sheer brilliance. I advise you to try it first, though!

Joonie: Points! Aw shucks. Heh, sorry if the math was confusing. It was hilarious when I wrote it - got my first A on a Calculus test in a lo-ong time and had to celebrate. Gojyo's dumber than I give him credit for, but I have to have stupid thinkyness expressed in a character -somewhere-...

Hakkai'sHerFavorite: You're welcome! Gotta love the cartoon XD

Onezumi: Points! Nomnom! Space Cases rules! WOO!

Jamaica: Yay for Space Cases. See, I didn't use him as Gojyo exactly, but just for the oversensitivity thing. I was thinking "Hm, aaaaliens... RADU!" and had to use it somehow. I miss him. o,o I miss that show.


	31. Break the Thirty First

A/N: I'm a terrible person, I know. So long between updates. And on Wednesday you guys got Author Alerts and got all excited only to say "WTF? If? Not Breakroom? Boo!" …Then again, I may be giving myself too much credit. 

Buzzword? This time, well, how about Umbrella? Or popcorn? I smell a double-points loophole!

Notes to reviewers, as always, at the end.

* * *

Somewhere, Goku is coated to the elbows in egg dye, Hakkai is mixing chocolate _without a spoon_, and Gojyo sports bunny ears, a fluffy tail, and very little else. 

Sanzo stumbles backward, slams the door, and tries the next one.

Somewhere, Nii is giggling like a little girl.

On a more removed side of things, Gojyo is being reprimanded for wiggling his ass.

"The fuckin' tail is _gone_, cockroach," Sanzo snarls, twitching bodily as his hand gropes for gun or harisen, whichever comes first.

Gojyo frowns, but stops. He casts periodic glances over his shoulder, though, muttering and obviously disquieted. Goku swipes at the air behind Gojyo's back and the redhead jumps at the movement in his peripheral vision. When the culprit registers, Gojyo growls menacingly, tensing to tackle.

Hakkai unlocks the apartment door, lets Sanzo in, and freezes the other two with a chuckle and "Shall I leave you two outside until you've reconciled your differences?"

"No difference here!" Goku cries, and Gojyo readily agrees.

"Yeah. Practically twins, us," Gojyo adds, and the two barrel through the door with such force that only Hakkai's instincts and experience save him from being flattened against the wall.

Goku grins a bit, laughing to himself while he rummages through the pantry's contents.

"Uh oh," Gojyo intones, nudging Sanzo and Hakkai with his elbows. "Saru's lost it."

"Did not!" Goku responds, flourishing a baguette that had not been there that morning. "I've got it right here." He gives them all a cheesy smile and tears into the bag with his teeth. "Was just thinkin' we'd be screwed if we did a bongo run."

The other three stare at Goku for a long moment, until Sanzo breaks it by huffing, lighting a cigarette, and moving to plop down on the couch. Gojyo throws his hand over his head, saying, "Whoosh."

"Nono," Goku declares, pressing the matter, "You know this. Like when you're trying to run and your legs spin and you hover in the air for a few seconds? That's a bongo run."

Gojyo looks down, tests his knees, and resumes staring at Goku as if the boy had a zit the size of Maine on his forehead. And was wondering if it was really a zit or if chakras are contagious. (Which actually poses a bit of a question, seeing as once the chakra becomes contagious, it's also quite lethal to the original host. Knowing this, Gojyo would be one of the first in line to receive the vaccine.)

Goku turns to Hakkai. "You know what I'm talking about, don't you?"

Hakkai shrugs. "I'm sorry, Goku, but I don't think I've ever had the experience. I would think I'd remember it if I had," he adds, smiling a bit helplessly.

In a final, vaguely desperate ploy, Goku hops over the back of the couch and lands next to Sanzo. "You. Were a bird. And I was a bunny. And Homura, he was…was a wolf or something. You _remember_, we all did bongo runs. There were even sound effects!"

Sanzo, quite thoroughly irked, shoves Goku away from his side of the couch. "Yeah. Yes. So? What were you trying to prove?"

Goku deflates. If one listens hard enough, one can hear the air rushing away. "Only that it exists. An' that's why I was laughing." Goku realizes belatedly that he never let go of the bread. He takes a big bite of crust and rips it from the rest with a bit of vigorous tugging.

Gojyo takes a seat on the other couch and looks pointedly at Sanzo. "Bum a light?"

Sanzo frowns, but Gojyo's eyes speak of thousands of bummed lights and lit bums. There is no reason to argue here, so he pitches the lighter at Gojyo and turns away. Gojyo smiles, baring all of his teeth, and lights up. "No 'ffense, Goku," he murmurs, "but what a hell of a waste of time. Why'd you ever wanna run like that?"

Goku frowns into his bread, chewing thoughtfully. He takes another bite. And another. Hakkai comes to sit next to Gojyo, and Goku takes another bite of bread. When the baguette is finished off, Goku shakes his shirt to dislodge the crumbs and answers, "Dunno. Author made me?"

Gojyo laughs, and Hakkai does as well. "You have to admit, it's an odd contrivance," says Hakkai. "Does the pause serve any purpose?"

"Like those monologues in SailorMoon?" interjects Gojyo. "Gratuitous panty shot, right?"

Goku makes a face. "No. You're such a freakin' pervert. I…I guess it's comedic or somethin'."

"Animator laziness, if it's canon," mutters Sanzo, tipping ash into the ashtray. "Art mirrors life, and fans are rip-off artists."

"Beautiful sentiment, I'm sure," Hakkai responds, grinning a little. "But how does that explain, well, the monologues in SailorMoon? I'm sure it's just as much work to animate all of those little sparkles, perhaps even more."

"They just wanna draw tee-an'-ay," Gojyo declares, putting his foot up on the coffee table. "And it translates over. Or like, there's all that stuff they gotta get into the story so you set up a hugeantic, ginormic monologue to get it all in."

"And nobody but no-one interrupts," Hakkai continues.

"Even if they're gettin' cramps from standin' there with their weapons or tied to a tree or somethin' for twenty minutes straight!" Goku finishes. "An' then, just to screw 'em over, the good guy shows up and the villain who's been yammering on tries to bongo run and can't get away in time."

Gojyo snorts, drawing a pleased little circle in the air with his cigarette. He takes a drag, rubs it out in Sanzo's ashtray, and stares with mild wonder at the surviving stick said monk has been nursing for longer.

"Nah, man," Goku continues, on a roll, "what really gets me is that whenever somebody says something important, you gotta repeat it. And then sit there for five minutes while main-character-bigshot talks to himself about it. I mean the major angst in the middle of what could be a _real_ good fight. I've sat for the majority of my life while one of you guys has a kitten over some epiphany brick droppin' from the sky."

"Did you come up with that one all by yourself?" asks Gojyo, leering enough to insinuate a noogie without actually wasting energy.

Goku ignores the bait. "Catch as Newton can." He grins at the collective wince as the gravity pun sets in. "But yeah. I mean, sometimes that's worse than breaking character, you know? Because someone's going on and on and _on_ over a hangnail or some Sue being their long-lost sister or _worse_, having little sex-memories."

"Ah," Hakkai agrees, "there are many things that could be better than bouncing from battlefield to bedroom every paragraph."

"What, like _remaining_ in the bedroom?" Sanzo quips, finally killing his own cigarette.

The leer rises again before Hakkai's watchful heel to Gojyo's instep can stop it. "Aw, it all depends on who you're with, San-chan," Gojyo teases, yelping when Hakkai's heel lands a second too late and harder than it had been meant.

"More like who's writing," Goku cuts in, rolling his eyes. "I'd rather be written into a three-foot box by someone good than have the best sex of my life thanks to Madam Third-Grade-Grammar and Sir Spells-Like-Shit."

"You had better take that one back, or they'll hear," says Gojyo conspiratorially, glancing with mock paranoia at the corners of the room. "'Cause if someone real good puts you in a box, it's gonna be hell and you're gonna feel _every last bit of it_." He pauses, then giggles. "Although I'd really like to see Sir Spells-Like-Shit's coat of arms."

"Thwarting spell-checks across the land," Goku obliges wryly. "Does he tilt at dictionaries?"

"Dunno, _you_ made him up," Gojyo responds, leaning against the armrest and crossing his legs. "And you've gotta stop whatever you just did because that was more Hakkai than that guy." He jerks his thumb at the man sitting next to him and Hakkai grabs it, twisting just enough to pinch.

"Indeed," he agrees, and Goku grins at him. "Because we all know you would never be able to survive were there two of me."

* * *

Scary prospect, isn't it? 

Snowyheart: Eeh, also a scary prospect. But I'm glad this has gone as long as it has. I have fun.

D-chan: Hooray indeed! I'm glad I induced sparkles. Hee.

Nightengale13: Yes, an opportunity missed (3x10) but one I'd rather not exploit. That's some scary stuff. Kenren got mad at Goku-chan for playing the flush game. Goku-chan glued him to the couch. That was prettymuch the extent of it. Sanzo's birthday is...in late November. 19th or something like that.

Blades of Ice: Points! OMG what a mental image.

Hakkai'sHerFavorite: Points! Lol! Nice buzzword yourself. Rather frightening, but there you go.

Joonie: Oh, Doku's just secretive because Sanzo wouldn't be happy about it - he's got an innate, characterised distrust of the man, especially after knowing about all of the slashfic involving Goku and Homura. Well, sanzo -will- have his protective tendencies.

Rune: Points, and I nearly bit through my tongue. Oh, wow. XD

Narrizan: Hee, I got your e-mail about posting a fic on EftW. I swear I'll get around to reading it...someday. XP

Asian-Orange: Yes, I thought I'd give you the Goku-as-Marilyn image to sit on. XD And no, Kenren was glued to a -couch-. Funny enough, there's a big difference. Meep meep!

Onezumie: Points! Oh dear! Doom!

LadyQueensCove: o.O; BAD. Points. Bad points. Ooh. Bad.

Jadesword: Points. Scary. XD Can't stop laughing.

Akisawana: Nice to meet you - and creative use of buzzword! Points! Steal the bunny. Steal the bunny! And if you do anything TELL ME!

Madame Maya: Nice to meet you too! Yes, Goku-chan did the glomping. Goku-chan does all the glomping. As to your fiction, please be patient. I've got a full plate, but I'll try to get to it soon. Don't take my characterisation as the iron rule, though. XP I make it up as I go.

Sparrow319: Points. XD I did like bringing back threads of the Valentine's chapter. This one was kind of shorter and more like...well...a throwback to the very first chapter. And for that I do like it. Eeh.


End file.
